Tis hard.......

[PD.]

i been off tha forums for a few weeks, not because i need space or because im sick of it, i had a shock, a massive shock i was never in any way prepared for. It was something ppl go thru every day, nuthn new, nuthn strange, but incomprehensible to me none the less. My best mate, my brother, my best friend was killed, the vehicle he travelled in was moving too fast and the small tree it moved toward was too strong. He was killed on impact apparently, i can only hope that is the case as i would hate to see him suffer after such an accident and cant think of him in such a position.

This has hurt me more than anything i have ever felt, some here may know me as a bit of a sook, open wit my feelings if you may, but this event has shaken me more than anything i have felt and wish to feel ever again. Im serious when i say id rather be gone than feel the hurt i have at the moment and to experience that again i cant imagine. Im very lost atm and life seems to have lil purpose. Now dont ge me wrong i have lost close friends, its only 12 months since i lost another brother who i held very close but this shit is doin my head in.

I was 7 days clean of opi8s when i get the fone call. he is dead. FUCK.

not much i could think of other than killing tha pain and only one thing for that, highest dose of morphine i could get, over and over again. So for one week, till the day of my brothers funeral all i could do was get high as fuk and block out the fukn horror of it all.

I had just come thru massive WDs a week prior so stoppin for a week then goin back on for a week was gon kill me and i knew it. Regardless i was not prepared to handle the reality of a death without morph so in i dived. Today is the first time i have felt like even lookn at a PC and even now this reality seems foreign, i dunno how long i can see out this fukn shitty reality. Happiness is only a small factor of life, all the other emotions are equal and that is something i have tried to block over many many years for no apparent reason other than my dislike for feeln shit.

I have a partner, i have kids, i have sisters, i have parents, i have good mates. The thought of this happening again is too much, i know there is lessons, i know there is more to life but fuk me ive had enuff, stop tha fukn ride i need off. Seriously, if tha lows are so fukn LOW then i dont see the freakn point. I love everyone i know but i dont see the need in all the hurt really. I need out.

I dont really know what im tryin to convey here, life is shit, live ya life, thats the way she goes. Everybody dies and that is something i cant handle, do i leave this dream asap or ride it out and be sad when i have to? Serioulsy, i know i have to live this life but i dont like it anymore, hate it if anything, why feel so shit for so long? its stupid, if ya can feel nada and be gon then fuk it, im there. bee good, stay spine free!

PD.

live ya life............

[Chiral]

I kinda feel your pain PD...I'm a bit pragmatic when it comes to death...circle of life and all that, I've lost 23 friends I went to school with in car crashes, 2 of them were my girlfriends who I was deeply in love with...it hurt for a while and then time subsisdes the pain and we move on....don't use drugs to soak up your losses man it's totally not the thing to do and serves no purpose only other than to inflict worry on people who care about you...see the whole cycle starts again...we are organisms roaming the planet and we at some point will die and return to the earth as fertilizer...try to embrace death and enjoy life, don't give your wife and kids something to worry about with your drug taking as the whole cycle perpetuates again and again...

your bro is off somewhere doing whatever new life does...we morn mostly because we are selfish...we have lost something and thats pure selfishness....wave goodbye, have a beer and spliff and show movies of old times that will always be part of his existence here on this plain.

take it easy man and stop the morph now and look inside...ask Buddha if u have to for guidance...i know i do a lot and he is always willing to lead me from behind when I have problems.

hope this didn't sound callous or harsh, I just think that it is how it is and this is how I feel, and it is just my opinion....take care scallywag and hug your wife and kids.

[Darklight]

Hey PD

I'm so sorry you lost yer bro, you obviously loved him deeply and your feelings of loss honour the depths of your bond.

You seem to have your priorities in order at some level, you've instinctively thought of the living too, your family and friends at a time when you need to hold onto what's important, both for yourself and your brother's people

Drugs schmugs, you've been clean before and you will again, obviously it's important to you cos it's eating you up. Drugs are only recreational while they're fun, and this doesn't sound like anywhere near fun. Don't let angsting about drugs take up all the time you need to represent your brother's interests for his and your families just cos he's not here right now.

I hope I put that right and didn't offend, it's difficult to know how to put stuff at a time like this. I'm not at all condemning you, I'm saying I love your vision, hold it fast and dear. Feeling pain like this honours the love you have in your life, it sucks and it sears, but don't let it blind you to the reason it's there in the first place.

You sound like you live and love generously, and that's a fine thing IMO. You sound like you know the morph is getting in the way of this, trust your instinct, instinct won't fix it for you but it will shine a light on a dark path

Here by PM if you need me

All the best for your upcoming days

DL

[VOID]

Hi PD,

As you know I am only new to these forums, I feel as though I have something to say....

I too kind of understand your pain, though I have not lost a friend to a car accident I was involved in a serious DUI car accident which put me in intensive care for 2 weeks hospital for 2 months and rehab (learning to walk again) for 12 months.

All I can say is that I am almost certain that your friend did not suffer, I was on deaths doorstep with only a 10% chance of pulling through with multiple life threatening injuries. The one thing I can tell you is while I was trapped in that car I felt no pain what so ever, though I was in a tangled mess.

It is hard to explain, while I was trapped in the car waiting for the rescue squad an energy came over me filling me with the up most peace and love, it was though it would be easy to pass on to the other side, in fact it almost felt like it was the normal thing to do.

I had no fear, worry or pain just an unexplainable peace and an energetic presence of someone/thing being there to help me through though at the time.

I know this may not stop your pain, but please do not put yourself through pain, chances are he did not suffer in the least.

The pain I was left with was an internal a mental sad pain, the physical pain passes and you don't really remember it.

Remember this if you can......The one thing that still hurts me today is the memory of family and friends crying at my bed for things I had done to myself.....

I hope this helps ease your pain.

Peace and love to you,

VOID

Edited August 7, 2010 by VOID

[Amazonian]

I have a partner, i have kids, i have sisters, i have parents, i have good mates. The thought of this happening again is too much, i know there is lessons, i know there is more to life but fuk me ive had enuff, stop tha fukn ride i need off. Seriously, if tha lows are so fukn LOW then i dont see the freakn point. I love everyone i know but i dont see the need in all the hurt really. I need out.

 

Those people you have mentioned would have to deal with the same pain if something happened to you. Yeh life can suck sometimes. There is no easy way to deal with the death of a loved one. Try to remember the good times you had together . Keep your chin up . Deepest Condolences.

[t st tantra]

you say you have all these people in your life , are you able to be there for them at the moment if they need you?

or are you too much into your own pain.

so thats what negatize means? stick a ........blah,blah

t s t .

[exaddict,daily pain!]

[gerbil]

One day at a time mate, these situations are hard beyond belief, we don't forget them but we can build from them and make sure it doesn't happen again.

You are one person that has taught me a great deal about life and myself, you need to stick around 'cause the world needs more people like you and you know you have the strength to keep on going. You've got a great family, friends and lots of support, it doesn't particularly make it easier at the time, but there are reasons to go forth and live life.

Spend some time in the garden man, they don't judge and always willing to listen. Things will get easier over time, and there's no guilt in that.

Thinking of you.

[ThunderIdeal]

time eases pain. somehow it just does. i hope you make it through this.

[Yawning Man]

I wish i could hug you right now bro. I'm shit with advice so i'm always cautious to provide any (at the risk of making things worse ) But i reckon you would upset a lot of people, me included, if you just got lazy and sulky. It's easy to do that though ey, just think fuck it, other people can take charge for a while, but relax and stay focused. Focus your energy and time into your family and friends. Remember that you still have so many more friends and family that love you like nothing else. There's heaps of good shit in life man.

I love you bro. Listen to what everyone has posted here (some incredibly smart kids here). As Yoda once said "With the force, he is now".

cheers

[PD.]

Thanks everyone.

Just to clarify RE tha morph use, i stopped using after one week but that was enough for a nightmare ride on the WD train again. Day 6 today and still very sore and sorry.

funny ya mention star wars YM, was one of my mates favourite things, bastid could pretty much recite all episodes word for word lol.

I guess all in all im fairly selfish when it comes to emotions, i dont often consider others when im down as fuk but i guess not many ppl do. Nat has been my strength through most of this and i dont know how she does it, she lost a best mate too, stood up infront of everyone and gave a beautiful eulogy but carries on and carries me on aswell, like i said, i dunno how she does it.

Thanks again everyone for your words, I understand some of you have been through much worse and are still here holding your head up.

Ill get there.

[Rabaelthazar]

That sucks. I can relate to a lot of your first post. Sometimes what seems like the right time to quit comes at the worst time. Advice doesn't always help in this kind of sitch, so I'm not going to give any.

I just hope you can pull through. All the best. Our thoughts are with you.

[watertrade]

Sorry to hear your news PD, I can’t imagine what it feels like and doubt anything we say can touch on your emotions. But for what its worth, the people here who you share friendships with would do anything they could to help you through this.

This will take time and you need to give yourself time to accept these fucked up emotions - They will come, and they will eventually go.

I find it takes hard work to stay happy but is so easy to feel sad. This will not consume you and you will get past this. Only you know what is the right thing to do. Take the time you need to make the right decisions. I don’t think I’m alone when I say you have our support.

[incognito]

you have my number man.

you know what needs to be done.

are u ready to do it?

lots of great advice on here.

dont let ur apathy and addiction destroy you.

ur addiction will grab onto this and pull you down and keep u there.

your addiction wants to kill you.

i got ALOT of time for you.

you have a great girl and great kids, who look up to you.

frim my viewpoint, you have ALOT to live for.

might be time to put changes in place.

you have to admit that you cant do it on your own.

crisis can precipitate change.

Edited August 8, 2010 by incognito

[-YT-]

sorry to hear PD

you know where to find us bro if you ever need to chat ay about whatever!! i know when i went through the same thing i really appreciated having friends and especially you crew to ramble too

Much love too ya and that wonderful family of yours mate!

[herbologist]

I feel for you mate, hope you get through this, for yourself and for those that are close to you.

[The Dude]

All the best mate! The only consolation I could give is... My belief and experience that the spirits of the dead continue to live, their presence is felt. It's that abrupt disconnection and loss that is really sad but there's a continuity too. I'm sure your mate would rather see you laughing than crying.

All the best

Edited August 8, 2010 by The Dude

[ayjay101]

Very sorry to hear your loss PD

I don't know how I'll cope when I lose my brothers

My mum lost her sister a few yeras ago and we all feared the worst for her as a result. Before long she was self-dosing on anti-depressants to the point she was a mere fraction of her former self. She tried to reduce her doses with medical assistance but was unable to cope with the emotional instability. It was looking grim. However with time and reflection she was able to recover and dispense completely of the meds, all by herself. Now she is a stronger and a more well-rounded person from the experience and it's a joyous relief that she has come back. She obviously still misses her sister like crazy every single day, but the loving memory of her sister is now a part of her that she loves dearly and nurtures constantly.

As much as we like to beat up on the anti-d's en masse, they definitely helped my mum get through the hardest time of her life. Once she was able to realise she no longer needed them, she was able to move on and be a happy, fully-functioning person again. As such, I truly believe they can be useful in times of such extreme grieving. They are not a solutuion - obviously they do not take the cause of the pain away, but they can help us cope in the meantime until we are strong enough for the healing and integration to take over. Perhaps they could assist in your situiation and reduce your thoughts about your 'easy way out'.

All the best mate. I am sure you will become stronger and happy in time.

EDIT: I just want to add that we should all use these horrible reminders to cherish the times we have with the people we love and to tell them that we love them often, like RIGHT NOW.

Edited August 8, 2010 by ayjay101

[mescalito]

What can I say that hasn't already been said.....

Your situation sucks esp. wit the drugs as does many here,no-one wants nor expects you to be perfect and just get on with it hey, so no-one here is judging you for your reaction,in fact it makes human sense.

I nearly folded yesterday through WD's,it's nearly Dad's anniversary for his departure from this realm again(it doesn't go away)....but I agree with the dude. Make him proud and work mindfully through the construct that is the human existence......there is more to come here and after....more importantly there's a reason for you to complete your course,and you will.

Just know you are loved.

Very sorry this happened man.

Anytime.....mesc

[mescalito]

EDIT: I just want to add that we should all use these horrible reminders to cherish the times we have with the people we love and to tell them that we love them often, like RIGHT NOW.

 

...It means EVERYTHING.

[kindness]

waking in the morning thinking it has all just been some kind of horrible dream only to realise it was actually true all along. Hurting from the bottom of your soul and wondering if the tears will ever stop.

It's a bit like a tree with a big fat old chop taken out of it. it fucken hurts and it ain't ever going to be better... it will just heal a bit over time.

I am not an advice giver. The above is my experience, yours may be different. In My Humble Opinion... I still hurt. My mate killed himself and that took a long time to get over. but as time passes.... so does the hurt. and the more I see that transitioning into the next part of it all.... (i.e. the afterlife) is just as peaceful as smoking a bong and watching the simpsons... if you know what I mean.

peace

[Zen Peddler]

There is nothing like the death prematurely of someone your very close with. it just shocks you to the core and you become almost a shell of who you were for a while - the simple things and locking in a pattern might help you get back up. But it will take time. Some people (like me) let it all out at the time, others bottle up - bottlers ive known are worse later on. So dont be afraid to do what ever you have to.