apothecary Posted April 22, 2005 omg im back. If anyone cares, post and I'll write all about it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
occidentalis Posted April 22, 2005 Welcome back. Mind fucked? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Leo^ Posted April 22, 2005 yeth how do u feel about it? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
_e_ Posted April 22, 2005 how long was that??? good stuff if u stuck to it... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smogs Posted April 22, 2005 i think a worse mind fuck would be 2 solid weeks of eddie macguire (or however u spell it) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
apothecary Posted April 22, 2005 I realised I don't really know how I should go about describing the last two weeks... It was really pretty bad. Interestingly, for the entire time...I didn't once crave a cigarette or beer or a joint. Those I bore easily. The hardest for me was music. For the first few nights, I was plagued with some bad depression. I mean bad. I would make an attempt to read, say Plato's Dialogues or similar and end up on the floor in a twisted ball staring at the wall for hours thinking of the last girl I asked out and then the one before that... During the day I was fine, I had work to occupy me, but once I was alone it got bad. I took to going to bed at 10PM or so, despite my usual bed time being midnight or much later. Every night without fail (at first I thought it was the lack of marijuana) I would have completely lucid dreams that would stay with me during the following day. I'd go to bed depressed and dream of not being alone, being happy etc. The whole thing definitely forced my mind out in the open to play. No distractions meant no ...well distractions. It was me and the voice in my head and it did everything it could to fuck with me. I bore the restrictions I placed on myself with little temptation, but it was really the mental side of things that got to me. Today when I played the first song I had heard in two weeks (A Perfect Circle - Passive) I found myself grinning stupidly and screaming the lyrics as loud as I could. I dunno. I wish I was more eloquent and could describe it better. Maybe it'll come to me over the next few days. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thelema Posted April 22, 2005 I find it interesting that you found it hard. I go everyday without music or television. At night sometimes I go on the computer. Mostly I read science and philosophy. I dont find it hard at all. Im not saying this because I believe I am special, just different. Oh I guess occasionally I watch a good documentary on non-commercial TV. So Im no purist, but its certainly not unusual to have the type of week youve had. No wonder I cant relate to people! LOL Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
apothecary Posted April 22, 2005 This is an attempt to put into words how the last two weeks felt to me (I apologise for the rantings of someone who has most likely cracked it insane): I feel as if the depression of a hundred souls had been placed on mine. A voice in my head tells me I and my thoughts are selfish and cold guilt curbs my self spite into something less potent. I see the world around me as beautiful, the universe an orchestra far more complex than any of the grains of sand which the musicians of this earth are could wish to compose. Yet I feel apart from it all. Withdrawn, my body is simply another of Searle's chinese rooms, and the within operates on its own detached from all else. I feel the good around me, when I see trees reaching their branches into the blue sky for sunlight...I see nature going about on its own path regardless of the world man has built, and man going on its own path regardless of the world it was nurtured in. But I'm not part of either. I'm alone. They say there is someone for everyone, but I don't believe I fit that rule. Dry voice in my head reminds me once again of the self absorbed nature of my thoughts. Each life is nothing but a flash, a split second where the shutter opens on the camera and you get a photo imprinted on film that will probably never be developed. But you can hope. You can hope when the shutter opens you'll be standing there with a beer in your hand, a grin on your face and someone who loves you by your side. I want that...but I'm running out of faith in in the whole idea. I'm turning apathetic, the shutter can open and close whenever it wants, I'm running out of "care". Don't get it wrong, this isn't a resignation or negation of the life I'm in, I've just run out of empathy. The best I feel I've got out of life is the ability to enjoy myself...which doesn't count for much when the only goal I ever set was finding love. People will probably say "you're young...you have plenty of time to go, to find someone and be happy" but I feel old...I feel like I've already spent an eternity looking... I'm alone. All I have is what I have worked for myself. Meagre knowledge of philosophy, many books...my plants, but they aren't people...computers, which are supposed to connect but do nothing of the sort....good friends, no lovers. I guess by normal standards I'm doing pretty well for myself...but none of it means anything to me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Torsten Posted April 22, 2005 geez, after all that effort it was the hormones that got to you Glad to have you back apoth! It does seem that all your pain focusses on the fact that there is no other half. Gosh, at 19 the last thing I wanted was to be tied down (unless it involved ropes ), and the line between good friends and 'partners' was very blurred. Are you sure you didn't just misinterpet those feelings as hormones revving up with nowhere to go? At that age I often confused lust with love - especially during 'droughts'. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nabraxas Posted April 23, 2005 i think Torsten puts it really well. you definately seem to need a mate. the first time i went to india i spent a week alone on a houseboat in Srinegar. i figured that was the longest i'd been totally alone before that. there was no electricity, & you couldn't go out at night--curfew. i'd split w/my partner ov 4 years before heading out there. i can relate to alot ov the feelings you describe. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted April 23, 2005 hey apoth, i think its true that love never really comes when u are looking for it,its more often than not when u are least expecting it,when u have given up hope,dude ur a young tiger,u have a whole life infront of you, keep ya shoulders up and keep it real!! jono :cool: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
2b Posted April 23, 2005 . [ 23. April 2005, 01:08: Message edited by: 2b ] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jasemateau Posted April 23, 2005 that was 2 weeks!!!!!! time flys! dont worry bout partners, during my clubing days i spent 2 years in a drought, and did'nt care to much 19-21 was my drought. after all the self exploration was slowing down chicks were there. dont sweat it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
2b Posted April 23, 2005 2b: Welcome back , did you sweat much at night? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Benzito Posted April 23, 2005 quote: did you sweat much at night? When I quit MJ, I did. Like, really badly, my girlfriend couldn't even hold me in bed. I was like a wet dishrag. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
apothecary Posted April 23, 2005 Thelema, I'm surprised you totally missed the point of the entire thing. Why don't you try giving up your science and philosophy and occasional non commercial tv program for 2 weeks and see what happens? T, I'm definitely sure. I don't like feeling like this at all, and so I examine myself pretty thoroughly, often. I wish it was just hormones, because then I'd be sure I could just ride it out. I didn't sweat at all. As it were, I suffered no withdrawal symptoms at all apart from some bizarro dreams (some of which I attribute to lack of visual/auditory stimulation for 2 weeks and some to lack of mj). Listening to Triple J this morning was great. EDIT: On that note, garden update also ('cos I don't feel like starting a new thread) The L. leonurus plants arrived T, with not a sinlge dead leaf...one of your best postage jobs ever! I put them in clay pots and they're doing fine. I planted my poppies (Persian White) about 10 days ago now, it took the seeds only three days to start bending and germinating! How cool is that! Unfortunately there was warm weather long enough for ants to venture out and steal all the ungerminated and half germinating seeds, leaving only three poppy seedlings (which they didn't take because they were fully germinated). Which is ok I guess, I figure it saves me from having to thin them out and each one will probably grow more than one head because of more rootspace. On Saturday I planted about 6 P. harmala seeds, and the first one sprouted this morning...didn't want it to go brown like I heard happens sometimes so I put it into the sun straight away. Has anyone noticed the uncanny resemblance between P. harmala sprouts and C. Sativa sprouts? Umm...oh yeah. Gom, I love you. The heimia plant and brug are both powering along awesomely, the green colour of the heimia leaves is mesmerising and I'm astounded by the fast growth of the brug. I have only planted the little T. pachanoi cutting you sent me, I've run out of pots and am waiting for more before I plant the two longer ones (thanks for the extra length btw ). I may have forgotten something but yeah. Oh and smogs, those pups I have waiting for you have started growing roots (they really want soil) so we should definitely organise a time to pick them up. Sorry I've been so busy recently. [ 23. April 2005, 02:21: Message edited by: apothecary ] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr toodly Posted April 23, 2005 apothecary: I would make an attempt to read, say Plato's Dialogues or similar and end up on the floor in a twisted ball staring at the wall for hours thinking of the last girl I asked out and then the one before that... The will v. The knowing subject. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Benzito Posted April 23, 2005 quote: I planted my poppies (Persian White) about 10 days ago now, it took the seeds only three days to start bending and germinating! How cool is that! Shit! 3 days! What did you do Apo? How did you get such fast results? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
apothecary Posted April 23, 2005 r. Jackson, I missed that, can you explain? Benzito...I'm kind of ashamed to say I did absolutely nothing lol. I dragged one of the old foam rectangular windowsill type pots from behind the shed, it still had plenty of soil in it. I soaked the soil, then sprinkled the seeds on top...then left it in a part shade part sun area of the garden (moving it into shadier areas on a hot day). That was it? 3 days later the seeds started bending (kind of like how kidney beans look) and some of them sprouted roots that night, then the next day they were up! ..sorry for the lack of an amazing tek heheh. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Benzito Posted April 23, 2005 No, that's great. Thanks apo! The only reason I asked is that I always go to a whole heap of effort, ploughing the earth and stuff, and never get any sprout that quickly. I plough the earth, then sow the seeds in the rut, and then rake a little bit of soil over the top, then water. I guess your way of doing it leaves them exposed to alot more air and sunlight. Everyone says that these things are easy to grow as a weed, but hard to grow deliberately. I guess I'm proof of that. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr toodly Posted April 23, 2005 Animal desire v. Knowledge of essences (Pure/Platonic Ideas/Forms)' Animal desire = Suffering (positive), ceaseless striving, Becoming but never Being/constant flux, hungry ghost, samsara, the desert, etc. Knowledge of essences = Painless (negative), eternal, perfect Being. Dissolution of the will. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mr toodly Posted April 23, 2005 Platonism: A beam of light shining through thunder clouds. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
apothecary Posted April 23, 2005 Dude if I'm ever in LA me and you are going to do some hardcore hallucinogens Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Benzito Posted April 23, 2005 If I'm ever in LA, then the US government will have my fingerprints on file, as I believe every tourist to the US is required to do now. So, I will never be in LA. You can bet they will never get a tourism dollar from me, if I have to give them fingerprints. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
