The Story Thread

[bogfrog]

I offer a metaphysical campfire to magnetise stories of the highest caliber!

We all love a good story, nothin like it to make you wonder about this wacky world..

So please do share a story if you have a goodie.

1st hand, 2nd hand, hand-me-down, home-made, dreamed into existence... All stories welcome.

I have a doozy to start with. Bit icky.

I was with my ma the other day and this fellow rode past on a bicycle in bare feet which prompted mum to remember this story about an acquaintance of hers from when she was in her 20s.

So this guy was riding his bike along the road, in bare feet, with his dog on a leash, la dee dah, as you do,

..When the poor fellow somehow crashed his bike and his feet got caught between the pedals and the road and the majority of his toes were chopped off.

In a bit of a daze, the guy started to realise he had lost quite a few of his digits and figured he should collect them incase they could be sown back on at the hospital..

...but before he could pick them all up off the concrete, his dog ran around and gobbled up all of his dismembered toes!

.. Let the story telling commence (?)

[tripsis]

[Dreamwalker.]

arrrhhhh!

[terracottacactus]

Once I went on to SAB look up some grafting techniques for some new seedlings but instead read a terrifying story about the dangers of joint bicycle and dog ownership.

Edited November 18, 2013 by terracottacactus

[Halcyon Daze]

Ugh that was aweful Ceres, by the way, shouldn't you finish such campfire horror stories with the classic ending -"and the killer... WAS ME!"

Fortunately this one was not me but a guy I knew from high school, bit of a class clown/ troublemaker who went on school excursion to Dreamworld. He decided it would be the perfect opportunity to try acid for the first time. This is how he told the story...

He got to school early where his other friends were already waiting to board the chartered coach. In his pocket was an acid tab that he'd bought especially for the occasion, there was a sense of excitement in the air. On boarding the bus his name was ticked off the list and he was a given an entry ticket and told specifically to hold the ticket somewhere safe and 'Do not lose the ticket under any circumstances', because it's the only one he's gonna get.

He decided to take the tab as soon as he took his seat so it would kick in sometime soon after arrival, but as it happened things started getting really weird before the bus made the 2 hour trip -warped vision, a dragon in the sky etc.

So he held his nerve and tried his best to hold it all together, he thought if he could just make it into the theme park and away from the teachers he'd be free to roam around without people knowing he was tripping balls.

As the bus pulled up at their destination, the tension started to build. All he had to do was act straight and get past the teachers and he'd be having the time of his life in no time he thought.

So one by one they entered through the turn styles until it was his turn. "Keep calm, act straight" He said to himself as he stepped up to the teacher who for some reason just started staring at him. 'Oh God I'm busted now' he thought as the teacher gave him a scornful look. "Well," she said, "where's your TICKET???"

'OH SHIT, THE TICKET!' he thought, " I DON'T KNOW" he said, almost shitting himself in panic.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW" screamed the teacher, "WHERE IS IT?"

"I DON'T KNOW, I MUST HAVE LOST IT"

'WELL WHERE DID YOU PUT IT?? HAVE YOU LOOKED IN YOUR POCKET?!?"

So he reaches into his front pocket and sure enough, pulls out... His Ticket LOL

The teacher must have thought this guy was the dimmest lightbulb in the pack, she just stared at him in sheer disbelief and annoyance. But he made it through and had a great time tripping at dreamworld all day, and all the way home too. Actually I think he might of said he had the worst time of his life. -made a good story Anyway.

Now for the twist, people...

That Evil Teacher...

WAS ME!!!!!

[bogfrog]

Haha nice one Halcyon.

I gather from your reactions that I have definitely inherited my dad's twisted sense of humour! Cause when I heard this, of course I grimaced and commented things like 'how horrible' and 'poor guy'...but then I couldn't help but laugh at the mental scene of this poor chap scrambling to get his toes before his dog.

That evil story teller... It's me!

Just remembered another one. It took me a long time to pry this story out of my grandparents. It seems to be a huge source of shame and embarrassment for them to this day. When I asked my dad about it he just looked at me with wild-eyed, mischievous glee, and said "I did lots of things you don't know about.."

When my dad was in his teens, he was a really naughty little shit. Anarchist punk sorta kid, very smart but very troublesome.

So one day when my grandparents were at home in their small southern town where nothing ever happens, there was a very loud knock at the door.

My grandma opened the door and was greeted by two large men wearing full black suits, carrying suitcases.

They refused to divulge their identities, but told my grandma that they had received some disturbing information from the Russian embassy regarding a letter sent by her son.

After my grandma explained that my dad was only 15 and very prone to troublesome behaviour, the men relaxed a little, recognising this was a (extreme) prank rather than a serious situation. Then they proceeded to tell my grandma that my dad had sent a letter to the Russian embassy, offering his services to assassinate the current American president Ronald Reagan.

[tripsis]

Hahaha, thoroughly enjoying this thread. Brilliant idea Ceres.

[Amazonian]

the poor fellow somehow crashed his bike and his feet got caught between the pedals and the road and the majority of his toes were chopped off.

..but before he could pick them all up off the concrete, his dog ran around and gobbled up all of his dismembered toes!

I have a similar flesh ripping story...

It was a dark and stormy night...not really, it was just an ordinary night, but a lot of stories start off like that...anyway... once apon a time... I was at a party, and through out the night i could hear people gasping and ooh-ing when they were talking to one particular girl, but i didn't know them so i didn't ask what the deal was. Later on i got introduced to this particular girl and was told the story that made people gasp and ooh , and it was gasp worthy...

Ok, so this is where it gets interesting....She was leading her horse when it got startled and was rearing up. The girl had the lead/rope wrapped around her thumb and when the horse reared, it ripped the thumb off but leaving the bone. What a freak accident. Her dog gobbled up the boneless thumb just like a tasty treat before she could get it. So with no flesh to stitch , the surgeons sewed her thumb into the flesh of her stomach. Apparently it was in the hope skin and tissue would grow around the damaged thumb. So as this girl is telling me this story, i am imagining a skeleton thumb sewn into a stomach right next to me. I began to get dizzy and feel sick. I soon left the party,lol. I don't know what the outcome of her thumb was, but i hope it was a good one.

The end.

Edited November 19, 2013 by Amazonian

[Sallubrious]

When I did my apprenticeship I worked with a bloke named Brent Clarke, every time he opened his mouth a torrent of shit would flow out it. One day when I went to the toilet I noticed the toilet bowl was branded Brent and the cistern was branded Clarke(possibly the other way around). The shit that flowed out of his mouth combined with the fact that his christian and surnames were both the names of toilet hardware just begged for a nickname associated with toilets, so I started calling him S-bend and it stuck.

Anyway we all used to play practical jokes on each other, so one day I pulled the fuel line off S-bends' motorbike and slipped a ball bearing into it and then put the fuel line back on thinking it would cut the fuel and the bike wouldn't run.

After work he started the bike as normal and to everyones surprise rode away but he only got about 300 yards before the bike conked out. He started it back up and then rode off again only to stop about 300 yards down the road again & he kept doing that until he disappeared out of sight.

The next day he turned up late for work and he was obviously distressed and very confused, apparently he rode all the way home in 300 yard stints. He lived about 50 km from work. Because it had taken him so long to get home he left home to come to work at 3 am for a 7am start and still turned up late.

It turned out that ball bearing was getting sucked onto the carby inlet while bike was running and cutting off the fuel flow until the bowl emptied and the bike stalled. Then the ball bearing would roll back down into the bottom of the U shape that fuel line was making and allow the bowl to fill back up in the carby and enable him to start it again and ride until the fuel ran out.

[incognito]

Poor dude! U mean bastid!

I don't have much to add but I've tried to fit this in somewhere and had to tell someone but last night I dreamt that I was eating tea at my parents house and I was getting a blowjob by radar from mash underneath the table. It was the weirdest dream if my life so far. I was worried my parents would find out (their favourite show is mash) and completely freak out.. We where eating sausages an mash potato and it was really nice and mum and dad where trying to initiate conversation but I just couldn't participate as radar was sucking my dick REALLY WELL, so much so that I really didn't want him to stop, about as much as I didn't want my parents to find out. The whole dream was both awkward and pleasurable in equal amounts, I only woke up when I came in the dream and it so happens it was also the first wet dream that I can remember.

Weird.

Oh well. When I was a child my dad and I stocked a Dam on our farm with golden perch fingerlings (baby table fish) after about three years of constantly trying to catch one ( I was fishing mad)

In the time the dam nearly dried up a couple of times and got hit by a wayward crop duster)

And constantly coming away with not even a bite I made a pact with god. I had three lines set up on springers (electric fence fibreglass rods that bent when u had a fish on) I went into a prayer like state ( I was in a pretty crazy religious catholic primary school at te time and we where made to pray twice a day) and proposed to god that if I caught a fish I would spend the rest of my life telling people that he actually exists. To my freaking disbelief and astonishment, not to mention a complete eerie epiphany like state, as soon as my prayer was completed it was answered, a springer hit the water and I pulled in my first 2+kg yellow belly. Then another, then another.. I went home with a dozen. It was rather strange, but then again we stocked the dam with 2000 fingerling so the odds where in my favour- the timing was just impeccable to the prayer. And no I've never lived up to the bargain- I've never told anyone that god exists lol I'm still unsure myself!

But anyways- that dreamer and that fisherman--

It was ME!!!

Edit- if there are any peeps that are any good at dream analysis please interpret for me

- seriously. It was such a lucid dream and it's freaked me out. I've hardly ever watched mash and certainly don't find radar sexually attractive and to think it was user the kitchen table while I had dinner with my parents. I really hope I'm not that fucked up!

Edited November 21, 2013 by incognito

[gtarman]

Well they say that dreams are possibly your brain's way of organizing and consolidating memories and unresolved/outstanding mental conflicts I think. So maybe it was some kind of clash - like Radar represented the views/opinions/values of your parents (as a part of something your parents value - MASH), and maybe it was your brain's way of expressing some kind of conflict you feel between your sexuality and the values of your parents? And the dinner-table setting could have played into that as well - like you feel you're performing some kind of uncomfortable balancing act by trying to keep your parents' values and your everyday relationship with them separate from your sexuality.

Although I don't know anything about your sexuality or about your parents so it's hard to say lol. You might just be that fucked up lol

[Yawning Man]

I still remember this clear as day. I must have been about 6 or 7, somewhere around that age and my brother and I were in the midst of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle obsession. My mum had always been into cooking and baking, LOVES it! One day we find these brand new mixing bowls, the kind a mum who loves baking and would to try out with a batch of biscuits or something. These bowls look like something we could strap onto our back to use as makeshift turtle shells.

Cool. Now lets take turns pretending one of us is a baddie and whack the others shell. So here we are, my brother and I taking turns to smack mums new mixing bowls, putting huge dents in them. Next thing we hear is "YOOOUU BBOOOYYSSSS". Mum's at the back door, fuming, she comes racing down grabs the bowls, grabs us, gives is a flogging and puts us in our room. LOL.

Poor old mum.

[Sallubrious]

Poor dude! U mean bastid!

I don't have much to add but I've tried to fit this in somewhere and had to tell someone but last night I dreamt that I was eating tea at my parents house and I was getting a blowjob by radar from mash underneath the table. It was the weirdest dream if my life so far. I was worried my parents would find out (their favourite show is mash) and completely freak out.. We where eating sausages an mash potato and it was really nice and mum and dad where trying to initiate conversation but I just couldn't participate as radar was sucking my dick REALLY WELL, so much so that I really didn't want him to stop, about as much as I didn't want my parents to find out. The whole dream was both awkward and pleasurable in equal amounts, I only woke up when I came in the dream and it so happens it was also the first wet dream that I can remember.

Weird.

Freud would have said you have a repressed desire to kill your dad and sleep with your mum, but I bet he would have been jealous.

I can just picture BJ & Hawkeye looking through a hole in the wall during the whole scene and Hawkeye saying something like.

"Now I know how Radar developed his supehuman hearing"

Edited November 22, 2013 by Sally

[Amazonian]

I've hardly ever watched mash and certainly don't find radar sexually attractive

I bet Clinger is more your type

So here we are, my brother and I taking turns to smack mums new mixing bowls, putting huge dents in them.

That reminds me of the time i wanted carpet in my bedroom instead of floorboards, so i nailed mums good blankets to the floor,lol. She wasn't happy.

[Halcyon Daze]

Had a watermelon fight with my lil sister in the kitchen and got severely busted for it. Every surface and wall was covered, what an insane mess!

[bogfrog]

Hahaha when I was a kid roughly 6-7 years old, i was living in this hippy commune house and I discovered this mysterious tin which always seemed to have money in it. I started taking money from the tin to buy lollies and Pokemon cards, not really every thinking too carefully about why this money kept appearing, just considered myself quite lucky.

Eventually it became clear that this jar labelled 'Koha' (Maori for gift) was actually the communal rent jar which all the people living at the complex payed their rent into

Fuck I was a naughty little ratbag at times.

[incognito]

Was? ;)

[bogfrog]

Ha, sorry more correctly 'am'.

That place is overflowing with good stories.

Like the infamous 'feral children wars', when the children of the community divided into two groups, girls vs boys and we built bases and watchtowers throughout the 5 acre garden. It was pretty mild at first, just leaving slightly abusive notes at each others' home camps.

Things escalated though when I encouraged the other members of the girl tribe (I was the oldest, so got to be chieftain) to collect up all this broken glass which we scattered at the entrance to the boy's home camp.

They crawled over it to get into their camp and got glass in their knees, so retaliation was inevitable.

They stormed our camp while we were away collecting plums and berries, and they set fire to our hut and burnt all the treasured books and toys that we had stored there.

We responded by filling sacks of pine-cones, and hiding up a big tree near their base camp, and then we threw pine-cones at them from about 4 metres up when they walked past.

That's when the adults intervened, they usually let us do pretty much whatever we wanted, but this was getting pretty 'lord of the flies' style, and all the children were forbidden from interacting with each other for a few weeks.

[incognito]

When I was 6 I broke the drummer from "cutcopys" (band) nose with a cokecan. He was a complete asshat of a bully, at a soccer game. I was henceforth banned from soccer as his mum was the president.

[tripsis]

There are some stories I would like to share, but being a public forum probably won't.

So back in my youth, when I still smoked weed, I was in Africa with my girlfriend at the time. We had travelled to a little coastal town called Lamu, in Kenya. East Africa was an extremely intense and often unpleasant experience for us, both being young, naive and with little experience travelling in foreign countries. So we're in the town, idyllic in some ways, not so much in others and decided we wanted to smoke, so to went to find some weed. This was an easy thing to do for both of us as we had dreadlocks, which immediately labelled us as Rastas to many Africans. We found someone who could help us out and followed him into some back alleys. We sat down on a bench across from a local eatery and he told us to wait. After a few minutes he returned, then asked us to pass him the money discreetly. Once done, he handed us the bud right in front of everyone who was eating, making no attempt to hide it and then bolted. We were sitting there with everyone staring at us, stunned and unsure what to do. We quickly left and got back to our hotel, rolled up a joint and smoked it up on the roof. Then the paranoia set in. We thought about the shit we would get in if we got caught, weed being illegal there and all, and so in a moment of panic decided the best thing to do would be to flush it down the toilet. When that failed, we tossed it off the roof into the wind. After calming down we turned to each other and commented "could really do with a smoke now...damn!".

[waterboy 2.0]

A very young WB also like a bit of the choof...lol

As a bright high school lad he obtained some weed seeds and planted them out in little pots. His bedroom had a lovely northern exposure.....and that was the spot.

So he manages to convince his mother and father it was a science experiment... my mum was a star...she would water them when I neglected them and some nice 1+ metre tall mullies developed on the windowsill, lovely leggy bush sativas

Did I mention that northern exposure was near the front door...lol...facing the street.... in the suburbs

When the tap on the door finally came from the cops mum had basically took over the "cultivation" of the herbage (as was doing a top job ), the cops had had to argue with my mum that their identification of cannabis was completely wrong.

The plants were taken without any charges laid and dad kicked my arse...lol....took a while for mum to be actually convinced she was growing weed for me....next few years she could smell it anywhere - could pick sativa from Indica and became an expert in seek and destroy.

My old girl would outdo any drug sniffing dog at finding contra.....I was a bastard of a kid....

[gtarman]

I didn't think I had any good stories...but I might have one.

When I was in high school I worked through summers with my dad as a builder.

We were renovating this lady's house, and the service we ran was one of those all-inclusive things where we subcontracted out everything we weren't personally skilled or licensed to do and managed it for the client so they only had to deal with one person and pay one fee.

So one day...I can't remember whether I was jack-hammering up the old courtyard or painting the roof, but we had a plumber come in to do some work on the plumbing beneath the bathroom. When he started work he said, "I've gotta get under the house and open up the pipes so if anyone really needs to use the toilet you can, but don't flush it."

So anyway he gets on with his job which is gonna take an hour or two, and just before morning smoko I need to take a leak. So I went into the bathroom and I didn't forget his instructions much to my surprise - that he said not to flush it. So I do my business, and then as I walk to the sink to wash my hands, a very loud (but still muffled) string of curses coming up through the floor made I realize that I had actually absent-mindedly flushed the toilet just through sheer force of habit. And the dude got my piss on him.

I was caught somewhere between "Oh fuck that was stupid", and "Oh fuck that was hilarious" and "Oh fuck he's probably coming up here to try kick my head in" lol. He thought I'd done it on purpose...and it didn't help that I was struggling not to laugh. But seeing as I was only 13 or 14 at the time and he ended up seeing I didn't mean it, I didn't get my face rearranged.

I feel sorry for the guy, and I still feel bad about it. But thinking of that muffled cursing and the sudden realization of what had happened to this day gives me a (guilty) chortle.

Edited November 23, 2013 by gtarman

[Halcyon Daze]

LOL That's great G-man.

I wasn't going to post this but I will purely for U guys' entertainment sake. I had a close one with the cops today, right in my own sacred backyard sanctuary. Some really dumb bitch made some serious false allegations against me, but her sketchy story really came back to bite her on the ass, and I think she's going to have to face the music over it. I'm not sure exactly how she worded it ( I'll have to go and find out) but she basically claims I tried to abduct her or some shit, but a quick chat with the boys in blue soon set things straight. I can't wait to see the look on her face next time I see her. I just know she won't be able to look me in the eye.

So to set the scene, it was a beautiful afternoon about a week ago, the birds 'were' singing and people were out everywhere walking their pets and getting some fresh air. I had just mowed the lawn and was in my work clothes driving my van to Bunnings (via a street in the University area) when I saw an old class-mate of mine. (I'm going back to uni next year and I've been catching up with all my old uni mates lately). So I didn’t think twice to pull over and say hi, I figured she must be back on campus since she was taking an afternoon stroll so close to the uni and all. So I pulled up and got out but she just walked straight past me and totally snobbed me off, without even looking at me, even though I said "Hi Heidi" and waved.

No use, she had her white earphones stuck in her ears and obviously didn’t want none of it from me LOL She just 'Walked on By' without even batting an eyelid. "Oh well, her problem", I thought, "-Some people are just awkward and mishandle social situations, so it's cool, no offense taken" but then I had to drive past her again to keep going to Bunnings and as I passed her I noticed that this time she was full-faced glaring at me... I was thinking "what a weirdo" but gave her a courtesy nod/wave and continued on my merry way and pretty much forgot about it.

Maybe I should have 'tipped my hat' as well because here's where it gets weird. She must have decided to call the cops today (a week later) with my number plate and some BS story about me trying to "offer her a ride" or get her in the van or something crazy like that LOL. I can only laugh at this now because THANK FUCK it all backfired on her. Her Bullshit story all came apart at the seams, and she was exposed for the dumb bitch she obviously is.

So sure enough, out of nowhere I get a visit from the fuzz. "Hey mate", comes the booming voice that shattered my 'feng-shui', can we ask you a few questions. "Were you driving in the D-'ton area last week and offered someone a ride?'

"WTF??" I thought, "-I was never in that area and I never offered anyone a lift, These guys have got the wrong poor c*nt.

'No' I said, completely baffled

"You don't remember stopping your van and asking a young lady to hop in?"

‘Holy Shit’ I thought,’ this is fukkin serious’

Then it dawned on me, 'Do you mean on W**th street?'

"Yeah" they said

"Well I stopped and said hi to my friend but she totally ignored me, she just walked straight past me -is that what you're talking about?"

“Oh, wait, so you know her??'

"Yeah" I said " we went to uni together. Her name is Heidi C*****e "

Well you should have seen their faces change once I said her name. So I told them the whole story and everything checked out as you'd expect. Her story just seemed like a total crock of shit. I have been an acquaintance for years really; I even went to her 21st Birthday party.

But they really knew she was full of shit when they asked me if I had an eyebrow-ring.

-NOT SINCE I LEFT UNI!!! ***BOOM!!!***

LOL Dumb Bitch! I was a cheese-maker for months after uni and I had to get rid of all personal jewelry. There ain’t no eyebrow-ring on me sucker. CHECK MATE!!!

Obviously she knew it was me all along and tried to pin me with the eyebrow ring that I used to have.

With such a close terrifying encounter (close enough to supposedly see "an eyebrow-ring") how couldn’t she half-recognize me after 3 years of classes together, why doesn't she make any claim to know me? I sure remembered her by name

It just doesn't add up.

Besides, since I obviously know her, why would I ever make a half-assed attempt to terrify or abduct her in broad daylight? -I'd only get instantly locked-up for it. No one's dumb enough to try abduct someone who's gonna be able to turn-round and identify them by name.

That would be failing before you even begin.

So her story just fell apart like that, obviously she’s making up a story like a 'little princess' (having to pretend she didn't recognize me). Adding a few lies to make it worth the cost of the phonecall. Otherwise the cops would wonder why she even called.

Or maybe she's just trying to be a mean cold-hearted bitch for no actual reason.

The only logical conclusion is that it's a bit of both.

Pathetic! What a dumb bitch with a poorly thought-out bullshit story. How could she concoct such an extreme story based on absolutely nothing??? It must have been a pretty serious allegation for the cops to come pay me a personal visit. I really pity her, she doesn’t even know I’m coming back to uni yet. She’ll have to walk past me a thousand times next year and I’ll really turn the screws. I’ll tell the story to everyone I (we) know including her professors who are actually my mates who I go orchid hunting with for various research projects.

So yeah I’m totally going to follow it all up with the cops because I’m not gonna leave the window open an inch for her to try and creep back in and destroy me. I don’t want to go down like those in ‘The Crucible”.

Anyway as the cops left they had a good look around my garden extravaganza and could only sing my praises commenting on the beautiful garden, (I have orchids and ferns and bromeliads everywhere), they were super nice to me and I just told them she had always seemed a somewhat troubled soul with some emotional issues and such

But in reality it still doesn't make sense why she would do it. I guess she didn't the look of me, or maybe my musky scent -even though plenty other girls seem to wet their pants over it. Maybe it was my majestic beard or the sparkle of freedom in my eye. Oh well sucks to be her right now, here's hoping!

CHEERS BOYS!

So anyway, hope you've all found my story enthralling Oh and sorry about this, but that creepy guy in the van...

REALLY WAS ME!!!!

Edited November 23, 2013 by Halcyon Daze

[waterboy 2.0]

No one's dumb enough to try abduct someone who's gonna be able to turn-round and identify them by name.

Thats what a lot old folk thought that have been bailed up and into boots/vans.....

Thats some pretty serious allegations Halcyon on the surface of it , I would be getting to the bottom of such an allegation if that was me.

[teonanacatl]

This one time I was at my friends souvenir shop and this large obese woman entered the shop. Seconds later this guys pig dog came flying into the shop and bailed her up! He grabbed the dog and took it to his car only for it to bail out the window and do the same thing. I had to giggle with my mate, this dog had obviously never seen a fat obese person before and figured it looked tastier than a feral pig :D The woman didnt have a clue what was going on.

Funny thing is, it was my dog! She was doing her "Check out this big pig dad, come shoot it, shoot it, shoot it bark."