Relationship Advice?

[Slybacon]

I feel like I need some help working some things out about my current relationship. Basically I have been in a relationship for 6 years. At first it was very relaxed and we both had our own sepperate identities, we agreed that we need our own space and both repected this and so it worked. About 6 months into the relationship my GF had get major brain operation, I really respected her and in all honesty was already falling in love. I decided that I wanted to support her through this and help her get back on her feet, although I know she could do it on her own. She is very tough but was having trouble with her family at the time so she accepted the support. We became very tight over this, she moved out of rehab and in with me. I cared for her through her recovery from not being able to walk to where she is now with a Degree in Science Hon and a 100K+ Job. So as you can see she is a very capable person, all I did was support her to be herself and be strong. Just as we were recovering from the operation her brother commited suicide, so again I took time out of my life to be the suppoting person again. This was another heavy heavy weight on our relationship. So we moved through this and things gort stable again. When I was in Sumatra by myself for a boys surfing trip I get a phone call to say she has a new job. This job was in another town for the mining industry and she was fly in fly out. So we did 6 months of her working away for 14 days and then home for 5. Again this was another huge weight that added stress tyo our relationship. Thoroughout all this I have held several jobs and not really furthered myself.

My GF has not been open in expressing herself. We have had major physical problems in the bedroom since her operation and I thought this was just her getting over things you know. Any way it turns out that she is starting to have feelings for other men whist she is being away. She is only just feeling confident enough to be honest and open with me and it co incides with her interest in other men. I am a very modern person, and I really understand this interest. So we talked about what to do and I agreed that if she wants to explore it than I give her permission, so long as she is honest with me about her feelings for me and other people.

After this conversation she left for work away again in a mine camp where women are a minority. So as you can imagine (she is hot) she gets hit on a bit. So now with full permission she decides to Kiss a boy. She told the boy she was in a relationship and just wanted to talk and maybe a kiss to see how it feels..... She came home and was honest and open and I really respected that. I thought it would kill me but it hasn't , I'm kinda happy she feels confident enough to express herself.

So we have given it 6 more months together, now we are talking to work through things to see if we can stay together. I'm to a point wher I don't want to think about it.... It's really killing me to know she wants out. I feel like I had to sacrifice so much to commit to her getting better, and now she is better she want s to just leave without giving me the same chance. Do you think we can work it out. Is it already to late. Have other had their GDF kiss another man (not Sex) and been ok. She tells me she is not interested in this other man, but how long before she is more interested in someone. Can we find each other again. Can we live poly..... I don't know it all NEW to me. I really need some advice, I don't have anyone but her to talk to about this. Thanks

[Marcel]

Christ. That's a tough lot you've got there. I've heard that Western Australia mine story go bad so many times. Emotional intimacy, as I see it, can't be sustained at this distance for any length of time. I'm sure there are plenty of examples to prove me wrong, but I need my partner's company too much.

It's definitely a big advantage that you're so honest and open with one another. Imagine the anguish if all this was just asides and suspicions.

The question of the kiss depends on a few things. When someone gets upset about their partner kissing or having sex with another person, is it the loss of exclusive physical access that worries them, or simply the loss of a one-on-one relationship? If it's a case of the latter scenario, then it's not really a matter of whether or not a partner has sex, a kiss or simply a glance. The hurt happens the moment the partner begins to look in other directions. That said, it seems like you're pretty comfortable and steady about this, so maybe this doesn't apply.

Hope you pull through ok.

[Slybacon]

^^^ Thanks Marcel. For me the Hurt comes from the fact that she has not been honest with her self or me about why we haven't connected on a physical level for soooo long. It feels like now she is talking and discussing things is already when she is interested in other people. I felt for years that it was a problem with her physically and she re assured it wasn't me, but if she can achieve this with other people than it is me. So that hurts. I feel like I had to make so many sacrifices right in my early 20's prime time, and now I'm nearly 30 she is fronting up and being honest. She waited untill she was good and I have no energy left.

I really do want this to work. I'm discussing with her that now she has kissed another boy and told me, that if we are going to do another 6 months then I want her to be mine and mine alone, or at least tell me prior if she is talking to someone else or thinking of seeing someone else.

She won't tell me his name or details, but I think that is best. She says she wants to keep in touch with him but he is not for her, and its just friends....

AHHHHHH..... I can't think of ANYTHING else. Its driving me nutz. I pour 6 years of energy into this and now she want to just throw it away like it was a normall relationship and we can just get on with our lives. Its ok for her now, but I think I'm going to struggle moving on and getting over this.

[PhoenixSon]

Hey bud.

Dont think that your not in your prime, and by the sounds of it the only person that should be ashamed about all this is your GF.

And your all ready going through the process at least your talking about it!

And hey maybe she is still suffering upstairs if it was a head injury..

Take care of yourself maybe consider going to a counselor/psychologist to have a chat, some can be quite switched on.

[Slybacon]

^^^ Thanks Space. Yeah I am considering this. Its hard tho as Im a bit paranoid of doctors so I don't know how I'll be with a Therapist. Its also very expensive. She earns a mint maybe she can pay.....

[Marcel]

Your GP will give you a referral for 10 free counselor visits a year. And even then, it's no issue getting it extended for more visits if you need 'em. A good psychologist has little similarity with a doctor; they can be wonderful people to talk to, whether you're bummed or not.

[Evil Genius]

Wow, Slybacon. Those are some huge sacrifices you made. Sounds like you are a very good man. It may sound paradox, but caring that much for someone can kill a relationship very fast. Especially in the bedroom. Its a complex process and i dont want to crush your hopes, but it would be best of you´d go out with some other girls too. You know, i would do the same and care to a certain degree for my girlf if she´d be in need but as soon i´d realize she wants to be with someone else, i´d be dating other girls in no time. I think its time you put your own needs in the center of your life and start caring for yourself right now. If she really loves you, she´ll realize what she is about to lose. You know, we sometimes need to lose the things we love to find out how much we really need them. Give her the gift of missing you.

Because its a psychological fact that woman can lose interest in men, who try very hard to accomodate their needs and who are available all the time. If i were you, that would be the very first thing i´d change. As soon as she realises that your a man other girls find attractive too, she might perform an impressive 360°. If she doesnt, dont take it personally. The stuff you mentioned would kill many relationships. I dont know why that is so....maybe unconditional love and huge sacrifices are interpreted as parental love sometimes on an emotional level. And that sometimes kills the sexual attraction. Dont blame her, its an unconscious process and men sometimes show the same thought pattern. So that behaviour is not limited to a specific gender. From a psychological point of view, its impressive. But in your case, its really sad and i feel with you. To be honest, i see no way this could have been prevented because im sure you´d do the same again. And from what i heard about how everything went down, im sure it was the right thing to do. I´m pretty sure i´d do it too. But for your relationship, it might have been poison. You know, to do the right thing isnt always the smart thing. And the best for her isnt necessarily the best for your relationship. bye EG

Edited August 18, 2011 by Evil Genius

[tipz]

jealousy and possesiveness are natural feelings (not putting you in that box) but was in an open relationship for 7 years and it worked well. Maybe this is not something you can handle. Its a tough one and i feel for you bro ! Whatever happens im sure you will always be a big part of her heart and i doubt she would ever forget what you have done for her. Respect to the girl for being honest and open ! Whatever happens make sure you dont ruin the chance of being friends in the future - a mistake i made from getting bitter and still regret to this day

All the best man - no doubt the universe shall unfold as planned

peace

(edit) its an old saying but its a good one ! 'If you love something set it free and if it comes back you know...'

Edited August 18, 2011 by tipz

[botanika]

You're very lucky she's honest at least and you are very brave and compassionate for helping her in times of need - what else could you do? But...most women want success (usually monetary/fashion, security), a bit of wildness or the man 'who is number 1'. You unfortunately became the 'carer' and the guy who 'sacrificed' and not the man who is no 1. Plus 6 years is a long time - biology starts taking over looking for another mate. I agree with what EG said: 'But for your relationship, it might have been poison. You know, to do the right thing isnt always the smart thing. And the best for her isnt necessarily the best for your relationship'.

If she is kissing other boys its time to kiss other girls. You might be able to throw away the past and move on together but in my experience it never works. Move on, no U-turn. No guilt. You sacrificed yourself for her, now its time to sacrifice her for you. Find a healthy new lover, not a risky patient. Good luck man!

Edited August 18, 2011 by botanika

[Slybacon]

Thanks for the advice. Just reading these messages feels like it has empowered me some more. I know ultimately I can move on and be ok, its just hurting now cause I've never been here before and its a tough lesson. I need a little advice as to what I should do with my living arrangements. We are getting along still, and sharing the same bed 5 nights a fortnight. We are waiting for another bed to come so I can move to another room. I own all the furniture and I'm set up support myself, I just need time to get my bearings and figure out how this is going to work. Its BAD timing as I just recommitted to finish a course and started working 3 days a week not 5.... so yeah a little bit less cash unfortunately. I own a dog too so I really need to think about him too. The rent is is like $350 per week and includes all bills. Its a bit much for one person so she is moving out but in the same house until I finish tafe and work out a better arrangement. She can ultimately go to her Mums than. I want to say I'm going out to meet other girls and see whats around but I really don't have the energy and I just can't think properly about it. This will change, as it does with all men. Considering we had plans to buy a house , finding another place that is suitable for me and a dog is going to be interesting. I hope I can work something out with her and still be flat mates. I don't feel too much resent, just hurt. For the time being.

[botanika]

Take care not to prolong the inevitable. By allowing her to be a flatmate (is she paying rent?? Doesn't she earn $100k+??) you are continuing to nurse her along and she will continue to use you. New pad, new flatmate, new beginnings. Walk the dog.

[ThunderIdeal]

I don't have anyone but her to talk to about this. Thanks

 

isn't that so often the case with us blokes. not trying to start battle of the sexes but women tend to involve other close people (their mum, friends, etc) in their relationship from day one and when the relationship stumbles they can go straight to that network, and the poor bloke is left with nobody because so much of him was only being shared with one person.

i really hope things turn out okay for you.

[incognito]

?? ive always spoken with my sisters,mum and my closest friends about my relationships. But i guess guys that have been brought up to be a "MAN" may not be able to express such emotions openly with anyone. I rejected that shit from day 1 from my old man. The whole aussie culture that "men dont cry or show emotion" is in my opinion why we have ssuch a high suicide rate in our gender.

[Kee]

As someone who has recently just lost a girlfriend of four years I understand the somewhat inability you're feeling about talking to other people. The internet is a great tool, use it to it's best but remember that it will never make you feel the same way as talking to someone in reality.

I've had a similar knock to the ego in the form of a bedroom related lacking. She met someone else while we were still dating and although it never got physical it changed absolutely everything. Women are on a complete tie to their emotional side when it comes to sex and will always follow the blind, irrational desires of the unknown. I am attractive, smart, energetic and make great sex - but it counts for nothing when the familiarity takes its toll. Again, the worst thing you could do is take it personally. I am still coming to grips with the whole 'Nice Guy' mentality and how women often take it for granted and don't see devotion when it slaps them in the face. I, like you, adored my girlfriend - she even said she didn't know if she'd ever meet someone who loved her as much as I did - alas the emotions inside her told her something different.

Sometimes life just changes, people change, they want new things. I couldn't do the whole 'dose of missing you' gift EG suggested. I would have liked to, but i still have limited contact - It works for me i suppose and she seems happy. I can't pretend like i know what i'm doing at the moment. I feel like I love her somewhat unconditionally and would prefer to see her happy than to tarnish a beautiful relationship and friendship because of a bruised ego. She has tried to be respectful and without spite so what more could i ask for? The reality was she left me for another guy.

The only advice i could give you is to keep your dignity and don't let your pride get in the way. Sometimes these things feel so awful and scary - change usually is. But it's all just life and it's one big journey. I hope with all my heart that you find each other again, i really do. But if you don't, understand that it was meant to be - because you are living one life and it's reality. It is just how things have to be.

Edited August 18, 2011 by Kee

[WoodDragon]

Bacon.

There are a few things that we don't see eye to eye on, but in this matter I know exactly where you're coming from.

I spent the better part of my 20s and 30s being the rock-solid support for about half a dozen girls over that time. I didn't deliberately go out to find ones that needed supporting - it was just the way the cards fell.

The thing is, there's a difference between being someone's support in a partnership, and being a social worker. That's a lesson that I took too long in learning! You're not this girl's social worker, so don't give her the chance to treat you like you are. You've already done your part, and it's not been enough for her, so move on.

It'll hurt like you're bleeding your guts out. But you'll recover. Guaranteed, even when it doesn't feel like it. Just make the start, like others are saying - go out, kiss a few girls, and learn to wrestle the pain. Be nice to your ex, but be steadfast in looking after yourself. You're no good to anyone - her, yourself, or other prospectives - if you are crushed by someone else's lack of respect for your previous relationship.

Negotiations to 'open' a relationship that was previously exxclusive very rarely succeed. She's simply taking advantage of you now, and a genuinely loving partner wouldn't do that.

So look after yourself. Maybe she'll wake up, and shape up. Probably she won't. But don't be someone else's doormat. Give-and-take only works when there's fair give and fair take, and this girl is not being fair.

Anyway, that's my take...

[mutant]

Great advice from people here.

yeah I believe you might wanna start kissing other girls too. you might also want to decide if you wanna tell her about this or not.

if the sexual thing is not top [has it never been good and healthy?] , you got another reason to start forgetting this love story and move on. There are reasons for which people match sexually with some people more and with some people less.

you need someone to help you regain your confidence not an insecurity-generator.

I am sure everything will go fine in time.

if she already wants to leave, then there's few you can do about it. worse thing is that she seems to know you will be there for her, but you don't have such a security. That's unfair and enhancing your agony.

like people said, start thinking about moving in front !

[Slybacon]

Thanks Again. This thread and talking to friends and family has really set me free. I woke this morning feeling rather sharp. I went about and got everything done for my self. I organised alternative living arrangments, I lined up the rest of my year and thought about what my plan was to become number one in my life again. I lifted the responsibilitys she has for the life we created and basically just let go. I'm not waiting for her to make a decsion Im just taking the reins, I don't know if we will stay together time will tell. We are going to see a Therapist but not to stay together, just to try and make it easyier no matter what way it goes. Maybe the therapy will help a cleaner break. I rang my Mum in front of her, and I told my mum everything... Which included.....

"GF(name here) took me out to our fav restuarant to tell me she wants to see other men, she told me before we even got our food. Naturally I didn't feel like eating"

So what happens now.

I go home after work, I say hello. I then head out with some friends and leave her at home. I enjoy my weekend and try and forget all the stress. I'm just going to have a good time. She leaves for work on Monday and wont be home till the following tuesday.... but guess what!

I wont be there. I've booked a holiday to another country without her!!!!!!

Its only for a week. When I get back she will be at work again. So after monday I wont see her for like a month. When she gets back we'll see what happens. In the mean time Im living life for ME...

Thanks all. This advice on here has really helped.... And the PM's too...

~BOOM

[Marcel]

Good work, Sly. Seem like you've got a lot of sense in your head and a wise ol' heart.

All the best.

[Rabelais]

Now that's what I call positive steps.

Hope the time away provides some clarity and emotional peace.

[Evil Genius]

Im so proud of you right now, Sly! I think this is the first time i´ve seen someone following the given Advice in a situation like yours. Which is clearly good Advice from people who care about you and who have nothing but your best in mind.

The first steps are alway the hardest. There will be days that are very difficult but in the end, everything will change for the better. If you stay on your path regardless of what your gf says or does, you´ll be surprised how rapidly her feelings can change. Girls like men who have a purpose in life and who dont go out their way for them. I assume you´ve been going out your way for her much too long and it stops now. And even if its already too late and the relationship cant be saved anymore...you´ll be fine. In life, you always meet twice. Im sure that there will be days when she desperately wants to be with you again. bye EG

[tripsis]

You sound like you're heading in the right direction Sly. Travel is an excellent option, however short it is.

You sound like you deserve more than you have been getting. Wanting to see other people is not necessarily a bad thing and I personally think it is very natural, but there has to be a balance and there has to be giving. It sounds like the balance is out and only you do the giving, so it's better for you to make a break and learn to be free again.

Good luck with it all man.

[Evil Genius]

Travel is an excellent option, however short it is.

Theres nothing a new city cant cure.

[Marcel]

Travel is an excellent option, however short it is.

Theres nothing a new city cant cure.

 

I disagree. I traveled the entire Indian subcontinent in 1999 with terrible diarrhea. From one city to the next, there was no relief and certainly no cure.

[tripsis]

As a rule of thumb, it's better to avoid cities.

[Evil Genius]

As a rule of thumb, it's better to avoid cities.

Yeah, especially with the living Dead walking around.