Cheating

[Sheather]

So I found out on... Monday, that my girlfriend had cheated on me with one of my friends (she told me, crying uncontrollably). Twice. Once a month ago and a second time about 2.5 weeks ago. I believe he blackmailed her into the second but that is not the matter at hand (though I've entertained thoughts of him going to prison for it). I thought I was okay, initially I didn't have any reaction, just went about my day, then I spoke to one of my friends, and to my girlfriend (over the phone). Essentially I told her I needed some space to think things through and come to a decision.

Now I'm a real mess, my emotions are all over the place. I'm almost in a rage half the time, I can hardly imagine life without her, but I hardly think I could look her in the face now. Not to mention the friend. We've been together just over 3 years.

I don't know if I don't want to end it because I'm afraid of the change it will bring, or if I want to because I don't know if I can trust her, or if I want to stay with her because she makes me happy. (not right now though)

I'm a mess, and I come asking for advice. What is your suggestion folks? What would you do?

[tripsis]

Stay with her. If she still loves you, and she is sorry, then there is room to grow and get past it. Monogamy is not the natural human state and I believe understanding that helps in situations like these. Find out why she did it, making sure she is completely honest in her answers. Reassure her that her honesty is integral to a positive outcome in the situation. People cheat because they are attracted to other people and because the majority of relationships are not open enough or honest enough to allow for discussion about feelings each person might have for other people. If there was complete openness and honesty in relationships, cheating would be much rarer.

A question. Are you open to the idea of an open relationship or polyamory?

[Sheather]

I am leaning towards giving her a chance. But I think I have room for just one, and that already used.

I'm almost certain all her answers have been honest. She says there was no romance, she doesn't feel attracted to him, but it happened when we were in the middle of a small fight, but this has almost happened before, and she swore to me that it would never happen again. I try to promote complete honesty (including no honesty through omission) which is why she told me I think, she believes I never would have found out at all if not for her telling me.

The second time I believe he implied that he'd tell me about the first if she didn't again, and if I could forgive him the sexual encounter, I don't think I can forgive him coercive rape. The thoughts of seeing him go away for it started when I checked my brothers law book and saw the legislation for it, punishable by 14 years imprisonment. But 14 years is a long time for one mistake, so I don't think that that will come about.

I am open to the idea of polyamory. I don't think it would be appropriate for me not to be, because I am in love with my best friend, as well as my girlfriend. I have told both parties of this, and at first the GF was pretty insecure, but I assured her that if the best friend was a threat then obviously I wouldn't still be with the GF. Still monogamous though, girlfriend wouldn't be comfortable with it and best friend has since entered a relationship anyway.

[migraineur]

Dump her arse and then fuck her sister or one of her friends and let her find out about it.

[tripsis]

Sounds like you have more of a problem with your so-called friend. If he really did coerce her into having sex with him again, I would seriously pursue legal action. It is unacceptable for a friend to what he has done to you, but even more unacceptable is coercing someone into have sex, via blackmail. You might dismiss it as a mistake, but it's not. Clearly he is old enough to make informed decisions.

Re. the polyamory, have you brought it up with your girlfriend? It can be surprising how peoples opinions change over time. Even if she's not comfortable with it now, tomorrow she might think differently.

[Sheather]

Polyamory: Yeah, I haven't really asked her seriously for quite a while, but I trust that if she changed her mind she'd just tell me.

The friend: Yeah, well I trusted him to be a good person and that didn't turn out so well. Main problem would be having any form of evidence regarding said coercion, apart from testimony of girlfriend. Unless I called him and recorded the conversation, I don't believe I could procure any.

[~shameless~]

I wouldnt talk to her or him for at least a week or so man, forget about it if you can till then - its harder than it sounds.

To much anger and thoughts of pay back will get iin the way of considering if you want her back or not.

I reckon trying to work things out at this moment will just give you the shits even more man,

Witnessed some fairly inteligent people do some and say some silly things when they are emotional.

[faustus]

first, the dude who boned your gf ain't your friend. it's better to have one less friend, than to have an an additional bad friend. if you stay friends with him, then you have no respect for yourself. i reckon don't bother with legal proceedings cos nothing will come out of it and it'll be emotionally draining. just let everyone in your and his circle what he did.

as for the girl, tough decision.

i'm not going to offer you any advice on what to do. she's totally chat for cheating on you, but to her credit she admitted cheating. just appreciate what she did: she did something fucked up and she knew that by telling you the truth, you might break up with her. i personally highly rate such honesty, cos in the face of possibly losing a relationship, most people are just fucking cowards.

HOWEVER!

i also believe that if you choose to stay with her and she cheats on you again, then you don't have the right to get angry at her: if, after having gained insight into someone's nature, you still allow them into your life, then you need to accept responsibility for when they act that way again in the future.

the parable of the snake scene in natural born killers perfectly reflects this point of view

 

 

[C_T]

First thing is to kick that mate to the curb, no more contact.

Second is to workout why your misses went that far with a close friend of yours. These type of morals do not appear or disappear overnight...

[Mycot]

I say dump her ass. It will be painful for a while but living with distrust isnt healthy either plus you'll have a chance to find yourself again.

She cheated on you twice so odds are things would continue down that path.

I also would say forget about polyamory, for one you'd be doing it from a position of defeat and secondly theres a high probability it will blow up in your face and fuck with your head much worse.

[dr dognutz]

move on, leave her and be positive about your future... leave her and all the other negative shit in your life behind you and surround yourself with people that wouldn't fuck you over ever again.

lifes to short to share it with someone that has shat in your face.

if its meant to be then maybe your paths will cross again in the future... if i were you i would be choosing your next move wisely friend!

[Sheather]

I also would say forget about polyamory, for one you'd be doing it from a position of defeat and secondly theres a high probability it will blow up in your face and fuck with your head much worse.

What the fuck are you talking about, position of defeat? Polyamory is about mutual multi-partnered relationships, the fact that I support the idea of them has nothing to do with this (and please explain this so called "position of defeat"). On the note of cheating, she did once, and then was blackmailed in to doing it again.

@CT He wasn't a very close mate, but I was given the chance to stop the GF from being around him (she offered, because she knew I was uncomfortable with him) but thought he was trustworthy, at least enough to be her friend.

@Dr Dognutz, about leaving behind the bad, she does also happen to be one of the best facets of my life right now. I VERY much plan to choose my next move wisely.

An example of my swinging thoughts happened just then. As I started this post I was all up for defending her, and now I'm all like "People can't just fuck me around like this, this is BULLSHIT RAWR!" Fully angry at both of them again.

[random]

If you both started the relationship with the discussion and intent to be monogamous, then she has betrayed your trust in a way that is sincerely painful and hard to get over.

As hard as it is for me to say this, I have to agree that *dumping* her may not necessarily be the right move.

It all depends on how much you have invested in the relationship, and how able you will be to trust her in the future, or indeed able to live with distrust in a relationship. Now that can be hard but not impossible to deal with.

Considering she has admitted her error, feels remorse for her mistake and if you feel she genuinely has no intention of doing it again, and you're in love with her, why would you dump her?

Seriously, lust is a powerful thing and not everyone is able to control that emotion.

People make mistakes, its whether you are willing or able to deal with that *mistake* that is the issue here, not the fact that she was unfaithful.

Wishing you all the best and feeling bad that you have been hurt so much by this, betrayal is never easy to get over.

[mac]

I think its something you have to work out for yourself & between you & your partner.

dont go looking for advice from people as the final decision effects you & your life with whoever you choose to share it with

on another note i see your profile says your only 20 so your still young, things could be much harder if there were children involved in the relationship

Just take as much time as u need & think things through

[random]

But your *friend* is more to blame in this situation, and obviously took advantage of your gf in more ways than one. I say dump the friend for sure, but think about whether you want to give your girlfriend another chance or not.

But you certainly can no longer trust your *friend* at all. IMO.

Give it all time. There's no hurry and you will be feeling so upset by this that rushing into decisions isn't going to benefit you in the long run.

All the best.

Edit, didn't realise you were so young. Hope it all works out for you.

[Evil Genius]

Sorry to hear, Sheather. To be honest, there are not many options how to deal with this. One thing is pretty sure: If you take her back without this to have any consequences for her, she´ll do it again. Even if she doesnt cheat again; she will definately lose respect of you if you take her back without showing that she went over the line. And a long and painful argument wont show her that. Believe me, i know how the female psyche works when it comes to cheating. First thing i think you should do is to get rid of that friend. Next time he has a chance to rat you out again, he´ll do so. In regard to the girl, there are not that many options you have now. If you are someone who can handle open relationships for some time, this would be a great way to turn the situation around and make it even. But not in secret...tell her right in the face that you have the right to see other people too if she screws around. I know that many guys dont think this is the right thing to do but there has to be a reason why she cheated in the first place. Most of the time, people tend to take their partners for granted because they are getting used to each other. A very strong emotional tool that you can use for your Advantage in order to reverse this lack of sexual attraction is jealousy. Girls always like men more that have chances with other girls and thats a good way how you can restore the relationship dynamic that made her fall in love with you in the first place. You ve got to get back to the "It´s On"-Vibe from the early days of your relationship. BUT if a woman is cheating, there has to be something wrong with the relationship so it´s possible it might be already too late to do something about it. Dont take it personally...The fact that something is wrong with the relationship has nothing to do with you as a person. It´s human that relationships cool down at some point but there is a lot you can do to prevent that. And like i said, one of the things you can do is to see other girls yourself. As soon as she emotionally remembers that you are attractive to other girls, she wont even feel the urge to talk to other guys anymore. If you arent able to do this because you are emotionally too attached to her, you should fake it and make up that you see other girls. If you just tell her without actually acting it out, it might be already enough to help your game immensely. Dont be concerned that this will drive her away completely because as soon as a girl cheats on you, the relationship is already greatly damaged and its high time to do something against it. Unfortunately, attraction doesnt work like our mothers told us it would do. It´s not the case that the better you treat a girl, the more she´s going to love you. Doesnt mean you should treat her bad now though. It just means that you should treat her accordingly how she deserves. If she fucks the relationship up, dont take her back without consequences. If she´s trying hard and changes her behaviour, be nice to her. You have to set boundaries and she has to be aware that you wont get out of your way if she steps over them. Men always do the mistake that they set up relationship rules and act like nothing happened after she broke them. I know its hard but if she is cheating on you, the least thing you have to do is to make a temporary breakup so she realizes that this behaviour is unacceptable for you and that there wont be the slightest possibility that she can treat you like that and get away with it. Thats the least you should do now. Using the "laws of attraction" in your favour is a huge Topic and i think you should look into it, because it could prevent you ending up in a similar situation again. take care. bye Eg

[Sheather]

Hah, yeah, she's my first partner to any serious degree, and I've been with her for a full 1/7th of my lifetime. (Whoa when I think of it like that... Whoa)

I didn't really come here looking for someone to tell me what to do, I just wanted to know what people thought of it, and your perspectives are giving me a little bit of material for thought.

@Meeka - Thank you very much for the well-wishes, I will definitely be giving it at least a week before a decision is made, in that time I'm going to mull it over a little.

@EG - Holy crap man. There's a lot to think about in that block of text, I'm not sure I agree with the jealousy gig, although I think it would work, I just have one main issue with that...

A very strong emotional tool that you can use for your Advantage in order to reverse this lack of sexual attraction is jealousy.

There is definitely no lack of sexual attraction, I mean, you'd agree, if you saw me. Don't call me humble or anything, but I am goddamn appealing! Haha!

(Good to know I still have an easy laugh)

[Amazonian]

That sucks big time . Some things that i would have said, have already been said ,so just to add to the above... Sometimes you think you want something , but when you get it, you realize that the grass is not greener, and then appreciate much more what you already had. To decipher that.... i mean that your girlfriend was lusty, had sex with this dude ( hopefully whilst wearing a condom) and then realized that it wasn't what she wanted and that she really loved you. The second session, as you stated was probably blackmail, and after doing it again she felt even more guilty and came forward . You obviously are pretty keen on her . Heck, stay together if it makes you happy , just don't marry her for a long while.

And are you seriously only 20, you sound pretty mature.

[Evil Genius]

Don't call me humble or anything, but I am goddamn appealing! Haha!

Yeah i absolutely believe you. It has nothing to do with being sexy. Im sure you are that in a lot of ways, because otherwise she wouldnt have fallen in love with you in the first place. When its about keeping a relationship going on a long term, its a little bit more difficult than that though. Even i had girls that were cheating at some certain points in my life and it had less to do with how i looked but with what i did or what not to keep the attraction going. Sexual desire and attraction are two diffrent things that sound pretty similar. And like sexual desire, attraction isnt necessary limited to looks. I dont know you and thats why i cant say what was the cause your gf cheated on you. It could have been a thousand things that were going on in her life, without you even realizing it because girls rarely speak about that. You can compare that kind of stuff with a toolbox: Im sure you still have the hammer to arouse her, but in order to get back to the point where she doesnt feel the need to be with other guys too, you might need a finer set of tools. Jealousy can be one of them. I dont know if you realized but being jealous is a huge turn-on for many people, me included. So, jealousy isnt always a bad thing if you dont use it to hurt others. Theres a good kind of making someone jealous and a bad one. The bad one is the one when you fuck her sister in her bed and tell her afterwards to hurt her feelings like mentioned above. I didnt mean it that way.

Apart from that, there is one thing i can promise you for sure. If you take her back without consequences, you´ll definately lose her on the long term. The loss of respect that this would cause would be irreversible.

[Micromegas]

because I am in love with my best friend, as well as my girlfriend. I have told both parties of this, and at first the GF was pretty insecure

Sounds like good motivation not to take the relationship too seriously. I wouldn't like this if i was your partner and it would lessen my devotion to you. You might want to consider how that may have contrinuted to the breakdown of trust in your relationship.

My guess it'll be on and off now for a little while because you will find it difficult to make a decisive choice. You'll want to make a clean break one way or another but it won't be possible unless you move apart spatially. You still love (or have lust for) her and that's the most annoying thing of all. That is why it hurts. She has lost some of her innocence and beauty; and you have lost some of your exclusive ownernship over that beauty.

Unfortunately, you will have to work on the complexities of this situation over a number of years as you mature. Fortunately, if you work on it appropriately it will make you a more caring person and lead to fulfilling relationships based on communication and trust. Because, most likely, this will not be your last or eternal affair. Many young loves run their course and terminate with the kind of gritty emotional breakdown experience you are now having.

As for now. the hurt you are feeling will probably make you want to (1) assert your dominance over the other man by possessing your gf again, (2) assert control over your partner by using her infedelity as leverage to be insensitive and get your way and (3) have relationships with others in actual fact or in your thoughts because you have lost total (but not all) respect for your partner. But you needn't necessarily do any of those things.

She will also have a great deal to work through as I am sure she is aware she has devalued you, herself and the relationship you have shared for so long. There were probably contributing factors in your relationship that led to infidelity, but she will know they are not legitimate excuses. But fundamentally good people rarely turn bad and she can restore and even excel beyond her previous self: you are in a position to help with this, but only if you are fully committed, which you are certainly not obliged to be.

Sounds like the lust masquerading as love scenario, or young love. It's not a bad thing, just difficult. The sexual attraction that you feel for your gf is what is going to make the situation difficult, since you have not lost that feeling and because it is comingled with other, more tender emotions from the past as well as the recent emotions associated with betrayal. As your first relationship, what you are going through is totally fine. Relax and observe how complex your feelings are toward this person. Sift out what is most important.

The other point is, if your friend or semi-friend really did coerce someone into having sex, he should be crushed remorselessly in whatever non-violent way you find appropriate. Personally, i suggest making yourself a better person and tempering your spirit and growing your integrity. If it is as you say, at this point he is worthless and will continue to be so, until he restores his integrity and make amends - which will take some great deal of effort. Out of everyone, if what you say is true, he has lost the most. Only, he doesn't know it, and it doesn't appear that way to you! Put absolutely no energy towards this person (unless there is a legitimate legal issue to pursue); use all of that energy to improve yourself. Get buff, get smart, study hard, whatever - become a fine specimen of a healthy, mature and principled man; take the high road and grind your worthless opponent into the dust throught the attainment of indefatigable self-knowledge.

Finally, remember to communicate. If you are attracted to someone else (indeed in love with your best friend!) that is not your partner, ask yourself if that is really appropriate and what constitutes a breakdown of trust. Discuss that issue and what it means. Evaluate what is love and what is passion and how the interplay between them can cause emotional turbulance. Understand the position of your heart and drive your decisions from there.

The reality is, you can't see clearly what this means and you won't for a very long time, maybe not for many years. Sure, make your next move wisely... but you're not that wise yet! But you'll be wiser because of this event, so just make your next move truthfully and be considerate of the feelings of the beautiful people in your life. Be considerate and forget the rest. Use your anger as a self-development tool and don't get any dark and demonic tattoos right away!

I don't feel sorry for you and I don't have a clue if you should continue your relationship with your gf or not. But you're lucky to have a relationship that inspires so much passion but that means your emotions are going to swing back and forth for some time; but if you work steadily, in the end you can maintain the beautiful memories of your first relationship without the baggage, whether you are still together or not. Down the track the memory of what you experienced together will become poignant so set it up with foresight and brings thing to the right conclusion. It will work out, but not immediately and probably not as you would expect. It's possible you'll make a decision that at the moment you haven't even conceived of, such as moving to another state, another country or beginning a new phase of your life, simply because you need to understand yourself better to overcome emotional events such as the one you are currently experiencing. People change as events grind one's understanding forward and now you have a grind stone on which to sharpen your spirit.

All the best.

(Also, consider getting a std check if you wish you have intercourse again)

[Yogibear]

I'm a mess, and I come asking for advice. What is your suggestion folks? What would you do?

 

Right now, start the process of detaching - self-preservation my friend, is more important than romance.

Then, bearing in mind that she could very well cheat on you again - at any time too I guess - follow your heart, but realize it won't last forever.

Also realize, that most relationships don't last forever - if they did, nobody would have more than one girlfriend in the entire course of their natural life and we'd all still be happily with our first girlfriends/boyfriends/whatever. How many people do you know who're still with their first girlfriend? .. Each 'romance' is a learning experience that teaches us about who we are, and who we need.

I got a question too. Did he blackmail her the second time into having sex with him, or did she just *SAY* he did? I mean, have you heard it from his mouth? .. Just because someone says something, doesn't mean that's how it happened. Words are just noises coming out someones mouth, after all.

Anyway, bottom line of it I guess, is have fun with her, but don't leave all your eggs in HER basket: I guarantee you will end up completely, and utterly crushed.

[Sheather]

@Amazonian - I guess I am pretty mature, but I try to keep that in check. Immaturity is the way to go in life IMO, you have much more fun :D

@EG - Thanks for the good advice mixed in with the good humour. I will think on it.

@Micromegas - Indeed I would say that we are a case of young love, but I do not know that we feel lust, under the guise as love, but perhaps love and lust intermingled would be appropriate. As for legal issue, there likely is one, but I'm not sure I want to put the time and effort into pursuing it. Too much time, effort and money focusing on this guy. I'd rather be completely apathetic towards him.

About the three things you supposed I may want to do, number one is a no-brainer. Of course I want to. I want to crush him in to the dirt, problem is, that's illegal. In relation to #2 and #3, not so much (if at all)

To all of you mentioning the polyamory - I told my girlfriend and best friend of this over a year ago, and have since assured the GF that she is no threat to the relationship, enough (I believe) to make her understand her security with me. I support the idea of it, but I fully do not intend to pursue multiple relationships at one time. I mean, one girl is enough to deal with at one time so far. I'm not so supremely confident in myself yet that I could handle TWO women. Whoa.

@YogiBear - I have not heard the admission from his mouth, I've had as little contact as possible with him since, but I do plan on talking to him and hearing it before I finalize my decision. It is, after all, a rather major contributing factor.

[bℓσωηG]

Sheather, im sorry for your pain, i have had this before with someone i loved dearly , over a seven year period she had three different guys. In my experience if she's done it once she'll do it again.I do understand the hurt but please don't do anything rash.

I know its hard to move on but i would.... even if you have to pay for sex ,get yourself laid it helps believe me.

[Gunter]

you can't make a good decision with a mind clouded by emotion, you need time to ponder and consider, it is best that you two come to some type of mutual understanding about how you both feel and what you both want and can both agree too, and it is important to agree that if one of you cannot meet the terms of what you agree to do then that is a sound and rational basis for ending the relationship

it is better to walk away from a bad relationship where both people end up hurt, than it is to try and make something work that won't

hope is mostly for the desperate, it is not something a relationship should be founded on

love is not such a good thing without trust, otherwise it destroys people

[hutch]

Shit man...sorry to hear that...It is like a knife to the heart. I have experienced it before with my first wife.....A little different I suppose...she was banging the painters who were painting my house. two of them at once....wondered why I was getting it done so cheap and why it was taking so long....I real good female friend couldn't cope with it any more and let me know what was happening right under my nose....absolutely gutted....but in the end it was all for the best...Being cheated on hurt like fuck......lucky I was never caught hey

I would go with my heart if I was you...trust how YOU feel....it won't let you down....

Sounds like you need a camping weekend away with the boys.......

Hutch