Different partners in different locations

[Halcyon Daze]

My friend doesn't know what to do.

If you can't be with the one you love, should you love the one you're with???

Serious advice greatly appreciated!

[bogfrog]

I am inclined to think that people who are truly meant to be together, will end up together again despite having long term breaks.

I don't think that a romantic relationship can remain muturally beneficial and provide both partners with happiness without regular face to face interaction.

Probably alot more beneficial to go separate ways on good terms now, with the potential of reuniting later in life, than to struggle over a drawn out period of time at a situation which is likely to have a negative affect on both partners.

[shortly]

Definitely. But only If your primary partner is comfortable with the situation and your second partner can cope with being "the other partner" which can be a big ask, especially when inlaws get involved

And there are polyamory support groups, sometimes it helps to just lurk through their message boards & FAQ's

LDR's can work but they take 50 times more effort than when you are together.

[watertrade]

My friend doesn't know what to do.

If you can't be with the one you love, should you love the one you're with???

Serious advice greatly appreciated!

 

No thats silly, love someone just because they happen to be in the same place you are ?

falling in love with someone because you spend lots of time with them and your have come to like them. thats fine.

fall out of love with someone because you never see them? thats fine too.

whatever your friend does the only advice I can give is to be honest and open with all involved.

I have heard a number of stories of people with two families. they travel interstate lots and have managed to have and support two families with teenage kids. sounds horrible.

[IndianDreaming]

Someone with those options to choose from is blessed with a wonderful life...

- A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush, but good things come to those who wait...

^ haha, that is just a re-statement of the issue... I say have both, as long as you're communicative to all parties, it can work, but you need to be open to the other parties doing what you're doing too...

Edited August 25, 2012 by IndianDreaming

[incognito]

I think before relationships should be considered you have to be happy with, in love with, yourself.

Noone can

Make you happy.

I like the glass full and overflowing analogy.

U have to be happy for your happiness to flow to others. If u can't care about yourself, u really have nothing to offer.

[chilli]

I think before relationships should be considered you have to be happy with, in love with, yourself.

Noone can

Make you happy.

I like the glass full and overflowing analogy.

U have to be happy for your happiness to flow to others. If u can't care about yourself, u really have nothing to offer.

 

Sounds like someone badly needs a root.

[CβL]

It's a really tough spot you've your friend has found himself/herself in. The only things I would say concretely to your friend are:

1) It's best not to bullshit the both of you, by saying you're in love when you're not. I think it's really best to be honest.

2) If you've well and truly let the ship sail with the one you "love" (more on this later), then there's no guarantee that there'll be another chance within your finite lifetimes. This implies you either make another chance, or face the vanishingly small chance of it happening without intervention.

Secondly, "love" is a very strange word. It's been stretched and contorted so much, that it applies to many different things rather than one. There is the obvious, generic "I love ice cream", which is probably not much of an issue. But the real problem is that people implicitly think love is a feeling (there was at least one song proclaiming exactly that). Well I contend that love is not a feeling at all - that the feeling being described is just fickle infatuation (for anyone who doesn't know this word, you damn well should learn it right now - go on! look it up, and write the definition on your hand).

Love is more of a knowing, a trust, something that can only be cultivated by knowing the person. This extends that you cannot truly love someone without knowing them. You can of course imagine a perfect idea of what a person could be, but that's when you're loving an idea, and not a person.

[FancyPants]

Does your friend have an innate connection with the Settler? It'd be pretty hard to ignore the strength of feeling of connection with a special person, but there could be multiple for different people, who knows?

[incognito]

Are you coming onto me chilli? Sorry just some people do it to me but I can't tell?

Edit - actually HD here's my advise. If you truly truly love her. Make sure she knows, if it's not welcomed man u just have to deal with that. Travel. Go doofing meet and talk to girls, you will find many are actually pretty cool

If her feelings are reciprocated then man do what you do.

Broken hearts do mend man, just takes time, and lots of fun ;)

The earth will keep turning regardless.

Edited August 26, 2012 by incognito

[Belching]

Why can't they be with the new person? Do they truly prefer the new person, or do they just want it because it's 'forbidden'? This is an important consideration. Forbidden love is super romantic and super dramatic, but often once the forbidden aspect is removed, the relationship collapses.

Then again, staying in an unhappy relationship is not fair for either party.

If they respect the one they're with, they won't try to keep up this deceit. It will be ugly, but if they truly prefer the new partner's company, ,it's best to end the original relationship so they can devote 100% of their attention.

[Halcyon Daze]

I'm a sucker for cuddles but I know what that always leads to.

It's just really killing me lately, I'm at my wits end.

Nobody knows my troubles...

did I say me? I meant MY FRIEND.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Halcyon Daze

[Halcyon Daze]

I just read it actually called 'love sickness' and I tell you it's F*%king BAD! I'm like a moth to the flame.

Edited August 27, 2012 by Halcyon Daze

[WoodDragon]

For a few years now I've loved myself.

It's working out pretty well so far...

Of course, I'm demographically isolated, so there's not a lot of choice in the matter, but there is never any argument!

[WoodDragon]

A bit more seriously HD...

Love is like a wave - ya can chase one for ages and it won't let you get on. When you do manage to catch it, ride it and hope that it doesn't dump you into the sand. If it doesn't it's one of the best highs ever. If it does, well, just get back up and keep practicing until you get better at it (the initial pain lasts about as long as a broken leg), or get sensible and take up another sport. And there are always more waves (except when there aren't).

Surfing two waves at once? Well, I have difficulty with finding just one that'll go any distance without washing out (apparently I have a habit of surfing at the wrong beaches), so I can't comment on the trick surfing.

There are differences of course. Waves don't get jealous if you ride other waves, they don't care if you fart, and they'll happily let your friends share them with you - even at the same time.

[shruman]

"For a few years now I've loved myself."

"Of course it was tough love..humghhh"

"There are differences of course. Waves don't get jealous if you ride other waves, they don't care if you fart, and they'll happily let your friends share them with you - even at the same time."

Nice analogy

I'm not gonna try & pretend I have any advice

I'm sure it could work for some lucky people out there on this big spinnin rock but I know if any level of decpetion is involved (even to yourself) its doomed...

Best of luck brutha

[Halcyon Daze]

It's actually really good advice guys. We were rolling in the sea just yesterday. We're about to go public but I just have to keep a handle on it so nobody gets hurt.

Wish me luck, I'm a red blooded male and the odds are stacked against me.

- Way too much fresh air and footy down here in Tassie. And raw salmon! lol

Edited August 27, 2012 by Halcyon Daze

[incognito]

Are you

All

related?

Edited August 28, 2012 by incognito

[Micromegas]

Well firstly you should stop pretending you have "troubles" and acknowledge that you are enjoying the situation because that seems obvious. By diffusing the notion you have trouble, and accepting consciously what you want out of this, you can make a more accurate assessment of your motivations. If you find they are more about self-gratification and egoism than care for the other and harm minimisation then you'll have to have a closer look at the situation. This is more about personality type than anything. Some people could handle having a partner with another partner (it depends on upbringing, past experience, current desires and emotional baggage), but some could not - but almost everyone who is lied to, in any situation romantic or otherwise, ends up feeling betrayed, so transparency must be paramount. But stop making out this is a problem for you. This is only a problem for the people who stand to get hurt. When vulnerabilities are exposed, damage can be done remarkably quickly to a person's self-image. This is not a judgement on your personality just an assessment of the few facts presented. You are in the best position to know if you are being motivated by care or by your loins! and what potential outcomes may arise from your decisions. Where is there room for personal development of the people involved? where is there room for damage and resentment? Which is more likely? Only you and they can know.

[Halcyon Daze]

Ok but I'd say it's almost exactly opposite to everything you just said though.

It plagues me day and night and my mind seems to change just as often. I never thought I would have this problem.

My plan now is to pull out while I still can and deal with the small problem now rather than a huge problem later.

I just don't think I could keep it under control for 6 months. There is a possibility they could come face to face and the consequences of an unwanted child would f*&k everything I've ever worked for.

I just need my cuddles God damn it! and thankfully my awesome ex is gonna sort me out with some. She's pretty sharp though. I can't sneak anything past her! lol

Oh and no incognito we're not all related lol. One is from PNG one is from South Korea and one is Dutch. Too much information for you???

[IndianDreaming]

Hmmm... as mentioned earlier, and reinforced with immaculate precision and articulation by Micromegas - the 'problem' you're experiencing is really a 'blessing', and if you're open and communicative with all parties, then the world will unfold for you in ways that make 'everything you've ever worked for' seem like memories from a distant past. You have the oppourtunity to shine my friend, with friends and loved ones - I'm not sure there's anything else in life worth striving for, and it's on your doorstep...

If you read a book called the 'celestine prophecy' - There's lots of garbage in it, but there's a gem that states 'two people need to be whole to flourish in a relationship' - The need for cuddles is lovely, and in everyone innately, but it shouldn't be the deciding factor in a relationship, because it saps a little bit of the other persons energy... (needs need to be fulfilled)

Good luck in your adventures, next time I'm in Tassie we should catch up - I'll look after one of your problems for you

Edited August 28, 2012 by IndianDreaming

[incognito]

Second cousins?

[Halcyon Daze]

LOL