gomaos Posted June 22, 2003 Lately I feel bored a lot. It's not that there isn't any work to be done, there's plenty of it. The house is always messy and needs cleaning up, I'm always lagging behind. Plenty of work in the garden, worst of all weeding, I've fallen hopelessly behind... Yet my life appears to empty and meaningless. The "spark" is missing. As much as I try to fight it with my willpower, and with whatever little iboga and kratom I have, after 3 days off it, I return to the same thing: "Better a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy..." After drinking enough of it, the "temporary lobotomy" lets me forget the boredom... until I wake up with a hangover and feel even worse. There seems to be no way out of it and no light at the end of the tunnel. It just strikes me how there's such a strong connection between addiction and loneliness... A year ago I was strong, I had to fight for my children so it was possible for them to stay with me. This gave me a strong purpose and willpower, and I was able to resist addiction totally for over a year. Now my daughter has been "bought back" by her mother (my mortal enemy) with promises of her own computer and the latest mobile phone etc etc etc My 2 sons are still with me, the older one turns 16 soon and it's very likely he will "go his own ways" when possible. The little one will still be with me for a long time and needs care for at least the next ten years... But when my daughter left she took "the bright side of my life" with her... Just her everyday presence seemed to have a positive influence, which doesn't mean that she wasn't wrong about many things, for example she sees herself as a christian (yuk), and the music she was listening to was quite annoying(mainstream-pop and sometimes even country[vomit]) I even took up smoking tobacco again... I could put in an effort and start looking for a girlfriend, a partner... But it seems virtually impossible to even think of someone compatible... most women my age are conservative and have set views about everything... After 3 failed marriages I don't have many illusions left... I just don't know where to go from here, and I appear to be losing the battle with the bottle... Anyone have any ideas? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
planthelper Posted June 22, 2003 what you started again? :mad: :mad: stopp the cigis right away now. talk to yourselfe every morning: i don,t need cigis, cigis are a waste of money, cigis only effect on me is, coughing... you are a big shaman now, you know cigis are pretty close to useless and a "fgn rip off". never drink alko till hangover levels are reached. easy said, agree but you know you can do it. i am your friend, please put more restraint on it again. coffee :D , i drink instead of an other beer. oder soll ich jetzt zum raunzen anfangen? 8 jahre ist es her seit dem sie mir meine kinder entfuehrten. danke, ihr pflanzen, habt mir das leben gerettet! ach wie ist das leben schoen, ich kann ja oft spazieren gehn. ein schwammerl auf der wiese steht, weil es mir dann besser geht! i used to smoke 50g tabaco in 3 days, who smokes/smoked more...let me know, i am interested. [ 22. June 2003, 11:28: Message edited by: planthelper ] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gomaos Posted June 22, 2003 Actually, the tobacco part isn't really bad... a 30 pack of 2 mg cigarettes lasts me a week, just used for mixing with other herbs like vervain, calea and what have you... tried a "chopchop" cigarette a few days ago... got half way through it and had to throw it away... couldn't breathe anymore.... horrible stuff... thanks for your sympathy, wolf, it helps a lot... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gomaos Posted June 22, 2003 you are a big shaman I wish... still got a lot to learn 8 jahre ist es her seit dem sie mir meine kinder entfuehrten. danke, ihr pflanzen, habt mir das leben gerettet! Hast du sie seitdem wiedergesehen? ach wie ist das leben schoen, ich kann ja oft spazieren gehn. ein schwammerl auf der wiese steht, weil es mir dann besser geht! Bei uns hier gibt es nur champignons und knollies auf der wiese, gute schwammerln sind sehr selten... nicht so wie bei Euch... im Land der Zauberpilze! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
planthelper Posted June 22, 2003 thx, gomaos!^^ne, habs'e nie gesehen. ich, hab alles versucht. [ 22. June 2003, 18:19: Message edited by: planthelper ] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gomaos Posted June 23, 2003 Das ist ja heftig. Sind sie in einem anderen Land? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
planthelper Posted June 23, 2003 yes, thx 4 your empathy. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fractalhead Posted June 23, 2003 I think I know the feeling, gom. You want to do something but everything seems like a big drag. Wouldn't it make you feel GOOD if you did do what you know you should do? Sport/Physical exercise has got to be the best starting point for working all those depressive toxins out of you and a good chance to meet other healthy people. How about a bush-walking club or the society for growing australian plants (SGAP)? They often go hiking and looking for cool new plants to grow. How about going for a swim at the pool or beach? I'm sure you can think of something that suits you. Even if it does take a strong cup of coffee to break the downward spiral, just count 1,2,3 and jump up off your arse and do something because you really do 'want' to! . The positive upward spiral is just as easy to sucked into as the negative downward spiral. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coin Posted June 23, 2003 (edited) =-= Edited January 21, 2011 by coin Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gomaos Posted June 24, 2003 The only thing that came remotely close to exercise was 2-3 weeks ago when I got lost in the native section/lake at the Mt. Cootha Gardens... the native section is quite large and there all these different acacias and psychotrias and what have you to look at, then behind that there was this lovely lake with beautiful flowers etc. I had to pick up tha lil fella from preschool at a certain time, and walking out I got lost and walked in circles... having that time pressure on me I really had to speed-walk... was quite good exercise should it more often. re clubs etc. I'm limited 24/7 by having to look after the lil fella... except 2-3 preschool days... And then I was never one to join clubs, I like to do things by myself. In the 70s I even walked in the Himalayas without a guide... but that's another story Thanks for all the good advice, I'll try to get out to the gardens more often... best place for a walk in a heavily polluted environment like Brisbane... Bushwalks... how I crave them... one day I'll live out in the bush again, one glorious day.... and I won't leave again.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coin Posted June 24, 2003 (edited) =-= Edited January 21, 2011 by coin Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gomaos Posted June 24, 2003 "Keen on meeting a partner" I am and I'm not... 'the burnt child fears the fire' "awkward of socialising" definitely, as I mentioned up top, I haven't much in common with people in my age group, except the age... I hardly ever go out... last time was 4 weeks or so ago to meet someone from an ad in the newspaper, a 48 yo woman, while we basically agreed on our world views (more left than right, and hating Bush etc blablabla) there was a wide gap between our actual lives. I'm not going into this any further... but it gave me even less incentive to try again, knowing it's so bloody hard finding someone suitable to me... Needless to say, atm I'm not trying, I'm not even real worried about it, and anyhu, the depressive phase that made me start this thread seems to be majorly there on weekends... it comes and goes.. at the moment it's not a problem at all... anyway thanks for your positive input... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thelema Posted June 24, 2003 There's nothing wrong with leading an isolated lifestyle, or drinking too much, or anything. As long as you're happy at it. For as long as self-relation dominates, the external pales. All the above suggest things you can do on the external: but gomaos, why don't you change so as to accept that the lifestyle you lead IS who you are - and that there's nothing wrong with it? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gomaos Posted June 24, 2003 Well, I'm definitely not happy with drinking too much because alcohol is such a drag... no need to get into this again, we've already got a very very long thread about that.... Other than that, you're right, Thelema... ...no need to hunt some grannies just for a possible root and a cuddle... This was different even just 10 years ago when I sold my soul and everything else for sex... I should have learned, shouldn't I... since according to planthelper I'm such a "Big Shaman" I'll just wait until the groupies line up outside the front door.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ramon Posted June 24, 2003 Hi Gomaos Been offline for a few days as most of the electrical appliences in my house blew up due to energex feeding too much power into the house. Someone mentioned exercise as the best starting point. I agree. I have been meaning to get fit again for about two years but never got around to it, but due losing my licence for speeding I have had to drag out my bike and start to use it regularly. I feel good about being able to ride the 20 K's to work. Not that I do it daily but I will work up to it. The way I see things it is not important where you start but as long as you see progress that is good news and reason to feel good. Exercise will improve your life in a myriad of ways and will have untold benefits. Maybe you can find a bushwalking club you can join. That way you are killin more then one bird with a stone. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Slarty Fart Blaster Posted June 25, 2003 When was the last time you really blew your tits off with a full on trip ?. Feeling the love and connection/unity of a full on trip does allot to blow off the blues. Both Trichos and Lophos are used as a cure for alcoholism. I have fought addiction and i feel it is really important you fill you time, what are you passionate about ?. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mescalito Posted June 25, 2003 Sometimes life forces change if you become stagnant! It's always when you're at your lowest,you'll find that the next new thing's just around the corner :D It's all a catalyst for balance. I kinda know how you feel,so keep your 'eyes' open! I drink a lot of beer too.....so I started brewing =learning=fun & expectation=pride. I used to get the guilts about drinking so much 'till I finally (through horrible circumstances )met someone wonderfull. She has a mystery disease that she has to accept, I have my drinking,which she taught me to accept :D Chin up dude you got heaps of friends here I bet!! Oh yeah and blow ya tits off as above :D :D :D [ 25. June 2003, 10:54: Message edited by: mescalito ] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
t st tantra Posted June 25, 2003 hey gomaos,we are fortunte to live in this time,we have such a large range of plants etc available to us that its our own fault if we cant sort something out. there are so many experimental bioasseys calling out to be done.you have recently contributed in this area. the human being has the ability to pull itself up by its mental bootstraps. beyond this i think u want to be told to get off your ass and do something,anything should help. at our age people of our lifestyle are hard to find,most have 'copped out',but i know from my experience my partner is not my twin,but my opposite.together we help complete each other. i have a need for 'something' to keep something happening in my head,but nowadays my options are many so i can chop and change as needed. sorry to be so disorganised in my thoughts but know we do care ! t s t . Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
psybernaut Posted June 26, 2003 Have you considered some form of study? It's a good way to meet people with common interests, and helps build a sense of achievement. Or maybe writing? I find it helps to make things clearer, and it's often a catlyst for change. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gomaos Posted June 26, 2003 Ummmh.... yeh... sometimes I write and I even post it here... But lately I never get any input anymore, whether the story sucks or is good... which isn't very encourging... I get the feeling people think: Oh.. just another drag by gomaos... yawn... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mescalito Posted June 27, 2003 No way BRO !! I have; (& am still waiting for ) some wonderfully cared for plants etc. From you- You have a talent ........expand on it Try the I Ching or Cards for direction (or pm me-my other half is good with cards/me with the coins?!?!!) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gomaos Posted June 27, 2003 ummh... the I Ching... burnt 3 copies of it in my mother's living room in Germany in a voodoo ritual in 1997, for giving me bad advice... later it turned out the advice had been spot on but totally misinterpreted by me... I don't think the I ching doesn't want to know me anymore... I'm very sorry for what I did, but too scared to ask it's council again... I do the tarot every now and then...... lately I get "the hermit" a lot as an outcome... which I don't really like at all... would much prefer "the lovers".... but what can you do? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ramon Posted June 27, 2003 The I Ching is a brilliant book. It warns you at the time of your greatest triumpth that as everything is always changing when things are at their best they can only get worse so make preparations. Similarly when things are at their worst change can only be for the better. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Thelema Posted June 27, 2003 Hey brother gomaos, i'm going to do a few readings for you and let you know by PM. Didnt mean to sound unsympathetic in my previous post, it's just I have the same problems as you, and I've found the best way to deal with it is to ease on it; if we were all socialites interested in sex only then the world would be full of superficial cassanova's instead of shamans. I have found that the latent cause for all of my problems is actually a spiritual one. Given your previous post on "the non-existence of god" etc..i'm pretty sure that you've got the same diagnosis. I was an atheist for a long time, then I sat on the fence, but now ive finally come to some sort of gnostic position, where I believe that the essence of the unformless-nothing can actually be experienced. readings of the great yogic masters have been of some help here...yoga shows and explains to me in a way that I find gels with my world outlook a way in which a super-consciousness can actually fit into the picture. Given my years of depression, stuck in the nothingness of Zen or the absurdity of a godless world, it's as though a breath of fresh air has stirred through me. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gomaos Posted June 28, 2003 Heya bro thelema, yoga is very good, I used to do it over many years... nowadays I just lack the solitude needed... I don't know if I've written about this but there's no harm in mentioning again: My yoga practise was like this, I was in great condition For starters I did "Salute to the Sun" an extremely powerful exercise. You begin standing in the prayer position, then raise your arms, bend your whole body backwards as far as possible, then forward, fold your body together like a pocket knife, lie down in a sort of push up position, then do the same positions in reversed order, then do it again, this time using the left arm first, same positions again etc. One way is 12 postions, then the same backwards also 12 positions, which makes 24... and you repeat those 24 positions 12 times... if you're good at it, you do it real fast, beats ANY other exercise... after having done all 288 positions, you're breathless and your whole body is totally charged up with energy, and so is the mind... then lie down on the floor as relaxed as possible, put on a yoga nidra tape which lasts from 30 min to 45 min approx... With your energized mind you can really get off and I have been in states that just about beats NY drug experience... Haven't tried this for ages, don't even have a yoga nidra tape anymore... as fat as I am today I would probably take hours to finish the salute to the sun... I've found this the best (yoga) exercise there is... problem is nowadays I totally lack the frame of mind for it... also, I can now see what my real problem is, and no exercises and walking clubs can fix that... I'm in dire ned of true friends or a community at the same wavelenght... While I still got at least one good friend here, nobody is into shamanism or evemn alternative lifestyle. Ideally I could join a community somewhere in the country or bush... this is what I truely need... if I'm condemned to be single and a hermit, so be it, but I want to be with like-minded people, in a harmonious area, don't know if that's possible, but it's definitely my goal... I desperately need a change... to the better of course... given my (almost non-existent) luck these days I'm not very hopeful, but that is what I need Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
