Adolescent Heart-Break

[divinersage]

Dear SAB,

Without sounding like im repeating the plot to an episode of Dawsons Creek meets The "OC", I truly need to conjur the advice of all those of you who have already had your hearts broken in your teens.

Im 18, been with my current girlfriend for just over 9 months now, at dinner a couple of days ago she revealed to me that she would be moving back to the states with her family in 6 months, to go to college and what not.

pretty much she doesn't have a lot of choice in the matter and this ever-looming "expirary date" as she so tenderly proclaimed it is eating me up inside and making it near impossible to enjoy the remaining time i have with her, we get along extremely well and hardly ever fight, when we do its over the stupidest things because we dont have any real issues to quarrel over.

I also recently ceased my course in advertising, is it a stupid idea to want to move over there and start a new life all-together? its always been a dream and i cant see myself getting homesick or missing my family/friends to the point that i have to return. but i also dont want to sit around waiting for her to finish her 3 year college degree, its also a possibility that she will meet someone else once she starts at college anywho

i need advice you old bastards! feel free to immasculate me and make me out to be " the pinnacle of whats wrong with this generation" but if you could be as kind as to throw in some advice i would really appreciate it.

Thanks in advance - DS

[incognito]

choice only u can make. go with your instincts.

[sethomopod]

I feel for you man.. Heartache is never fun...

The only thing I can tell you is that no matter how much pain you will be in if you break up, it DOES go away.. time is the only cure.

When I was 18, I loved so fuckin hard!! All consuming passion, When my heart was broken, I honestly didnt think I'd make it...... but I did...

I think it was Kahill Gibran that said something like

Your soul is a block of marble and pain is the chisel that turns the marble into something beautiful...

Not the exact words but something like that..

Just saying that all that pain I felt DID go away, I AM a better man because of it.

I know this doesnt exactly fit into what you were asking, but I'm just saying that if it all goes bad, as much as it might not seem possible, You will eventually heal and you will have a new depth to your soul and ability to love even deeper...

Hope it works out for you man

[mutant]

Hmmmm

going after her is a bit extreme. Thing is these choice are not easy, only you know as inco said, so it might be good , whatever you decide , to be a conscious choice.

There's also a greek pop song , I am pretty sure there might be other versions og the idea around, it goes somewhat like this:

"There are orange trees elsewhere, and they too make oranges"

Aren't you bit young to pick the orange tree now?

[divinersage]

thanks for the feedback/advice guys!

@sethopod - I know that what your saying is true, and that it comes from experienceThe problem is, I'm scared of what i'll become when she leaves, Im terrible with dealing with my emotions,

and when im having a downer, its pretty rough even when things are going fine and dandy, for a long time ive literally wished that i had a reason to be so miserable, and now that i do, i cant even face it.

i guess what im trying to get across is that im not quite sure whats going to happen emotionally to me, and im scared it might impact my life for the worse.

it might sound pretty stupid to anyone else, but it made sense to me at the time.

be careful what you wish for!

any guides on what to do to start preparing? or what to do shortly after?

[mr me]

I would suggest to try and put aside emotion and use your brain. Yes you may love her, but you need to see the reality that, you can't stay there for an extended period of time and for her to study here would also cost a lot and the parents would probably forbid it. I think the relationship is doomed, so you might as well live it up together for the period of time you have available. Have fun, go on road trip, etc

Just might add - yes she will find someone(s) else when she goes to college even if it is Brigham Young University.

Good Luck

[Torsten]

like has been said before, you'll get over it...... probably ;)

I think if you like the idea of living in the US for a while then why not give it a go? not so much just because of her, but simply because it will be an awesome experience that can only enrich your life. just don't put yourself into situaitons you can't get out of. At that age chances are you guys won't be spending the rest of your lives together [purely from a statistical point of view], so you definitely should not make this decision purely because of some romantic notion of a fairytale life together.

OK, consider this: If you moved over there and after 6 months you both decided the relationship wasn't really working, would you regret going there or would you make the most of it and move on? if the answer is regret then you probably shouldn't go in the first place.

[Evil Genius]

Hi Divinersage, sorry to hear. I always hated situations like yours and i can feel you. There are only two things i can say about that:

1. Dont even think about long distance relationship. It will be a more painful experience to see your relationship breaking apart. It will be better to break up as lovers because this way, she will remember you as the hot stud she knew and not the guy with the webcam in his face from the internet. And if she should get back one day, she´ll probably want to get involved with you again because she only has good memories about you.

2. Im with Torsten. Why not going to the states in order to have a great time. You know what they say: life is what happens while you're busy making other plans. ;-) If it doesnt work out, you can always leave the states. Well, at least if you dont end up in a american prison with a life sentence because you stabbed another guy with a spoon caus he was hitting on your girl. Just kidding. I´d fly with her to see what life has to offer. bye Eg

[PD.]

Let her go man. She is leaving in 6 months time and she is telling you now for a reason i presume.

Man, sort yaself out first before dedicating your life to following a girl around, id let her go BUT me at your age prolly would have followed. I left a couple good jobs when i was younger for very similar reasons and at this point in time i really regret doing so. There is plenty of time for you man, plenty of women, i know its hard but ya shouldnt get stuck on one at your age, just my opinion.

I like the advice the grandfather off little miss sunshine gives his grandson -

"Listen to me, I got no reason to lie to you, don't make the same mistakes I made when I was young. Fuck a lotta women kid, not just one woman, a lotta women."

[_e_]

enjoy it whilst you have got it.. The last thing you want is to be spending your precious time in the present fearing the future. Really go into the time you have and make the most of it. As it is your 'first love' it will seem like you dont know how to love beyond this relationship/ feel impossible to have the same depth of relating.. This is not the case. Every love is unique and rewarding with its individual lessons and particular brand of magick. There will be many more, sometimes it may take a year or two to get over the last... But we have infinite capacity to love and learn through relating.

the best thing u can do is surrender, let go, make peace with going your own ways, and really really IN-JOY the time u have.

[SunChaser]

"Listen to me, I got no reason to lie to you, don't make the same mistakes I made when I was young. Fuck a lotta women kid, not just one woman, a lotta women."

 

This is seriously the best advise you could possibly get. If only I had of taken that advise as a 18 year old kid, I would have had so much more fun.

There's a joke, the son bull says to the father bull, let's run over there and fuck one of those cows, then the father bull says, hold on son! Why run down there and fuck one, when we could just walk down there and fuck them all.

[nabraxas]

& fucking someone new will be the best way to get over her.

[Rabaelthazar]

Hey Divinersage,

Who knows what will happen in the future? Whatever does happen, though, will eventually be in the past and you'll have a new present.

If you let her go and hurt, you'll get over it. If you follow her and get hurt, you'll get over it ()but at least you'll have the experience of dropping everything and heading overseas which is something you can do at eighteen but not so easily once you've got a family or mortgage).

The likelihood is that you'll end up getting hurt at some point, whatever you choose to do. I'd imagine that only a tiny fraction of relationships between eighteen year olds last for more than a few years. Sorry to say.

Someone said "follow your instincts" and this is very sound advice. Everything will turn out cool in the end and when you look back at your life when you're old and grey you're more likely to regret not following your gut than regret a bit of emotional pain.

And of course, the most sage advice printed here is probably the quote from the grandpa from little miss sunshine.

Edited May 26, 2010 by Rabaelthazar

[Foton]

hey divinersage, I can relate for sure... having to deal with relationship related emotions is probably the hardest thing Ive had to deal with in my life.

The above advice on dating lots of women gets my vote.

In the pick-up community they talk of the disease of one-itus. Its a horrific disease affecting many people. Plenty of fish in the sea... all that. Think about open relationships.

Perhaps an open long distance relationship is the best thing you could do ?

[Quill]

Going out and fucking someone is not going to cure a broken heart, but it may make you feel a little better. However time is the only cure for a broken heart. With this time you just beed to distract yourself with activities enjoyable or otherwise.

Maybe I'm a romantic but a few of the above posts seem to confuse physical love with Love. One feels great and and is relatively short-lived, the other can feel mazing and soul-destroying within the same day. The good news is that they are both repeatable.

I feel for you diviner, but you will come through this either way as a stronger more mature person. I've had my heart broken and to be honest i look back on it's effect on me as positive.

ALL THE BEST

[SunChaser]

Going out and fucking someone is not going to cure a broken heart, but it may make you feel a little better. However time is the only cure for a broken heart. With this time you just beed to distract yourself with activities enjoyable or otherwise.

Maybe I'm a romantic but a few of the above posts seem to confuse physical love with Love. One feels great and and is relatively short-lived, the other can feel mazing and soul-destroying within the same day. The good news is that they are both repeatable.

I feel for you diviner, but you will come through this either way as a stronger more mature person. I've had my heart broken and to be honest i look back on it's effect on me as positive.

ALL THE BEST

 

yeah, my post was more about not taking it so seriously, rather than actually going and finding as much girls to root as possible.

After a 10 year relationship from the age of 15, I can honestly say I'm not better for the experience and would of been far better of just letting go in the first place.

But that's just my experience.

Edit, but then again at that age I would of been straight after her and no one could of stopped me.

Edited May 13, 2010 by jabez

[holymountain]

things that seem like the end of the world will eventually become things you laugh about a few years later.

it's hard to keep that in mind at the time but it's true. your life moves on in all sorts of new and exciting and unexpected ways...you are 18...you can't even fathom what you'll be doing in 2 years time. that doesn't stop things hurting but it does mean that no matter what happens it will all pass soon enough and new doors will open.

in the meantime for heartache can i prescribe the following albums:

'siamese dream' by smashing pumpkins

self titled third Velvet Underground album.

'ladies and gentlemen we are floating in space'- spiritualized

[divinersage]

thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to add their two cents!

thanks for the recommendations holymountain! i cant promise you ill "buy" the albums, but ill definitely give them a listen ( i know, i know, i'm the root of all evil and responsible for the downfall of music as we know it )

after a couple days of deliberation and reading everyones post individually about 5 times, i've come to the conclusion im just gonna let her go do her thing, who knows she might come back, she might not.

an open relationship is a good idea in theory, but like most posters have suggested, at this age ( infact she's younger than i am ) we are both very likely to fall for other people eventually. so i might aswell cut my........emotional losses.

the only thing is now that i know its going to end in 6 months, im beggining to wonder if it will even survive 6 more months. it really does put an unspoken and quite sinister strain on the relationship.

As much a i try to stay positive and act as i normally would had i not know, its gotten to the point where its almost awkward. I find it hard to find things to talk about with her.

its a strange strange game this whole "Love" thing.

[satyr]

the only thing is now that i know its going to end in 6 months, im beggining to wonder if it will even survive 6 more months. it really does put an unspoken and quite sinister strain on the relationship.

As much a i try to stay positive and act as i normally would had i not know, its gotten to the point where its almost awkward. I find it hard to find things to talk about with her.

 

....well one could maybe postulate that when we say we love somebody that we are actually not loving that person for its own sake, rather the emotion that person creates in us. So now that the situation has changed, meaning your perception and expectation of the relationship, it obviously led to a change in emotion. Those emotion might not be as pleasant as others so a "falling out of love" could happen...

Anyway my personal experience is -as already described by others- that everything is self regulating, emotion adjust to circumstances (sooner or later)and concern or issues turn into nothingness. So don't worry it will sort itself.

All the best and travel safe