Jokes Thread

[phloom]

What do you call someone who wears their shirt backwards and can breakdance well

rob

Edited June 5, 2007 by phloom

[ThunderIdeal]

what happened here? i remember that being funny. put the answer back.

[Μορφέας]

Aussie Humor

An elderly Aussie bloke lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.......................

F*# off" she said, "they're for the funeral.

[Peyofox]

A guy sitting at a bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head.

He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him, "What the FUCK do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!!

[Μορφέας]

lol

[Legba]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up and sat down next to him.

He had spiked hair in different colours green, red orange,

blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared at him.

The young man turned to him and said sarcastically, "What's the

matter Old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eyelid, the old man replied, "Got drunk once

and rooted a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[xShiva.spacetechnology]

ahahahahhaha Bacchant, all that wine goes for some awesome jokes ahhaaha

[dqd]

*disclaimer* no bank managers were harmed in the telling of this joke *

Why did the Irish call their Pound a Punt?

Because it rhymes with bank manager.

[Ace]

For the Nature-Lovers amongst us

And finally - all hail the mighty wanker-cactus!!

[Peyofox]

just noticed its already been posted

Edited August 20, 2007 by ReclusE

[Legba]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can

store and play music.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on size.

This has been hailed as a major breakthrough because women are always

complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to

them...

[Legba]

[Monk]

Special Frog

A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog's for?

The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and blows the man. The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again.

So the guy a second time snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the man, and hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded, he offers the guy $3000 for the frog.

The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.

The bartender, after his shift, goes home. he's sitting in his kitchen, calls his wife over, says he has something to show her.

His wife walks in, the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table, snaps his fingers, the frog jumps down, blows the bartender and hops back on the kitchen table.

The wife asks, "why the hell are you showing me this?"

The bartender says, "cause you're going to teach him how to cook and then you're gonna get the fuck outta here."

[simon_marklar]

What do you call a kangaroo with a goofey look on its face?

Joey.

[Legba]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

[MrBumpy]

This isn't really a joke... but it is kinda funny

http://www.ubergizmo.com/15/archives/2007/...beat_blaxx.html

They probably should have thought about the name for this product a bit more.

-bumpy

[Auntyjack]

Whats BLACK and RED and sits in a tree?

....a crow with a fat of course.

[simon_marklar]

A thief got past security at the Louvre, stole some paintings, got them back to his van, but was captured within minutes when the van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a brilliant crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is why I had to steal: I have no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"

Do you have DeGaulle to forward this joke? You have nothing Toulouse!

ba-boom tish!

[Sparkster]

loves it!

[Ace]

Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This isn’t so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed!!'

[Ace]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh!t'

[devance]

When George Bush wakes up for a security briefing he asks, have we killed all the global terrorists and who killed the most.

Theres only one left they say the worst, after a monent of thought he trys to grab the secret service mans pistol and kill himself.

[JDanger]

Why is there no K-Mart in Iraq?

'Cause there's a Target on every corner.

[Yawning Man]

Knock knock

who's there?

The mailman with your mail.

Knock knock

who's there

Jahovahs witness

aahahahahahha

[incognito]

whats better tha eating a mandarin?

eating a mandaout.

lame joke but hey.