Another Suicide topic,

[OpticalLight]

I see there was a topic started on this subject at the start of June, here. That thread with that topic name has since been closed. I really don't mind if this thread is closed either but I have to get this out first.

I am in the process of moving to a state where I know hardly anyone.

My ex-boyfriend of 6 and a half years just called me. since i broke up with him his mental health has deteriorated greatly. this person is normally a super fit, happy person. doesn't do drugs, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, super confident and very intelligent. but since February he's been a wreck, like waking up in the mornings at 3.30 as a quivering mess. shaking and..

the point is, i am in sydney atm; and he is in brisbane.

he just called me, and it was a suicide call. no it wasn't a fake suicide call. it was very real. he told me i had under 3 minutes to take him back or he would hang himself. he told me that the shaking and his mental health was not from him trying to get over me, he said it was from the realization that he wouldn't find someone like me again. he told me that he had written letters and placed them beside his bed and that i now had 30 seconds and that i could tell his family where to find him - in the park

i screamed at him something along the lines - THAT IS SO FUCKING SELFISH, THAT IS THE MOST FUCKING SELFISH THING YOU CAN DO, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND, THEN NO, DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO FUCKING DO

and then i fumbled around with my phone desperately trying to call his mother. desperately hoping that she would pick up in time. she picked up and I was screaming at her to find him , she was saying that he's just been getting worse and worse, she was on the phone to me and she said we found him, just as the phone dropped out. perfect. found him how? just what I need. i called her back and she said his brother went and found him. he is physically okay.

i really don't what to say, i have never felt so mad, helpless and terrified in my entire life. and it doesn't make me want to get back together with him, if anything it makes me even more furious!

and now, i am going to call one of those numbers in that pdf in that other thread because i need to speak to a professional counsellor.

Edited June 9, 2010 by OpticalLight

[flora]

i hope you dont feel guilty as to how you reacted. i dont know how i would have reacted but i too would be furious. do you feel he wants others to suffer as he is suffering.

[OpticalLight]

i hope you dont feel guilty as to how you reacted. i dont know how i would have reacted but i too would be furious. do you feel he wants others to suffer as he is suffering.

 

i just got off the phone from a counsellor, i feel a lot more together now. i told the counsellor how I reacted and apparently, i did the right thing? i told the counsellor what i said to my ex about calling him selfish ect - and the counsellor said something along the lines of "that's about right, whew you're making me teary", lol.

does he want me to suffer as he is suffering ... I'm guessing yes.

Edited June 9, 2010 by OpticalLight

[SunChaser]

You should either drop your life and dedicate all your time to getting him healthy again, all just wish him luck and completely walk away. Just kinda being there for him if your not planning on continuing the relationship is the only wrong thing you can do and will just make the problem worse in the end, imo.

[OpticalLight]

You should either drop your life and dedicate all your time to getting him healthy again, all just wish him luck and completely walk away. Just kinda being there for him if your not planning on continuing the relationship is the only wrong thing you can do and will just make the problem worse in the end, imo.

 

Well there's no way I'm going to drop my life, I've just started living my life. Now I'm going to be selfish. I need to be selfish. Or I'll never live for me.

I hadn't been talking to him for a couple of months and then he called me in the early hours of the morning one day, and he said that calling me was a last resort, and then he explained how he'd been feeling, and that members of his family had recently passed away and that his cousin was in a bad mental state. at the time i was feeling pretty shit myself because i couldn't sleep and was having withdrawals from coming off of some anti-depressants. he said that he hadn't been sleeping and that all he needed was for me to stay on the phone with him until he fell asleep. but he never did, and all i wanted to do was go to sleep myself. i was trying to remain normal on the phone but he kept talking to me for hours and hours and in the end i swore at him and told him that i couldn't take it anymore. and then he said that he was going to stop this and that i shouldn't contact him

the reason that i was trying to remain normal is that my ex is very anti pharmaceutical drugs and i didn't want to admit to him that i had taken them. i did sent him a text informing him though that i was withdrawing from them

that was it until a couple of days ago he send me an email about all the good things he appreciates about me and that i'm the centre of his life. then he sent more emails, then he sent me a text wanting to remove the don't call me ban.

he called me today from a blocked number. i can't ignore every single blocked number ever, my home phone is a private number and my mum doesn't understand how to turn call blocking off per call.

i just feel sick

trying not to feel sick

Edited June 9, 2010 by OpticalLight

[SunChaser]

Fair enough.

But if you truly are at a point where you don't want the dramas anymore, why not change your phone number?

I mean after 6 years or what ever you said, I personally don't think it would be to big of a sacrifice, just to get it over with and cut the line for good.

I'm really not having a go at you and I probably shouldn't have said anything. But from being in a very seemingly similar situation (except on the other side) not so long ago, I look back and think, WTF, why would she sit there bitching and moaning about how awful it is to have be hearing about it. Yet not even bother to change her phone number?

 I mean he's probably just in a really dark place, which can make past times seem a lot better, than what they realistically were, he's just depressed, rather than trying to hurt you. If it was about hurting you, I doubt he'd be asking for ya to come back, yeah? If you don't want to know about it, just change your phone number.

Peace

 

[OpticalLight]

Fair enough.

But if you truly are at a point where you don't want the dramas anymore, why not change your phone number?

I mean after 6 years or what ever you said, I personally don't think it would be to big of a sacrifice, just to get it over with and cut the line for good.

I'm really not having a go at you and I probably shouldn't have said anything. But from being in a very seemingly similar situation (except on the other side) not so long ago, I look back and think, WTF, why would she sit there bitching and moaning about how awful it is to have be hearing about it. Yet not even bother to change her phone number?

I mean he's probably just in a really dark place, which can make past times seem a lot better, than what they realistically were, he's just depressed, rather than trying to hurt you. If it was about hurting you, I doubt he'd be asking for ya to come back, yeah? If you don't want to know about it, just change your phone number.

Peace

 

Unfortunately it's not that simple. My phone isn't even in my name. I am broke and am in debt. I'm not even getting centrelink atm. I suppose I'll have to find $720 and try and get out of the plan. I will then have no internet access where I am moving to and then I will be paying for expensive phone calls.

My problem is that I don't bitch and moan about anything. I normally keep quiet and try and bear the burden by myself. But I have every right to voice my opinion too.

I was taught by my parents to be quiet and keep every thing to myself from a young age, my dad was an alcoholic, he would be off his face 4+/7 days each week, and it wasn't a nice sort of drunk.

_____

Edit - (I said it wasn't a nice sort of drunk, but that's actually not entirely true. My dad was a kind hearted person, and always treated me right. Maybe even a bit overprotective at times - he would always insist on walking me to the train station or bus stop on the way to school. [Which often lead to some awkward situations where he would be completely off his face and I would have to try and help him stay upright - which wasn't easy because he was tall, and some well to do stranger would be driving past and then stop to try and tell me to get away from that drunken old man - my parents had me later in life]. He was an intelligent and emotionally intelligent person, and I get my personality from him. We spent a lot of time together, playing sports and making things; and there were a lot of happy moments. My mum on the other hand wasn't really able to express her emotions that well, but I think that's just the culture she grew up in. She expressed her love in other ways, such as buying stuff. [Which sometimes pissed my dad off because he would accuse my mum of bribing me - as she had all the money]. Having said that, there were numerous nights were I would fall asleep to the sound of both of them verbally fighting - but my dad would try and ensure that I was asleep before this occurred.

I really haven't thought about this sort of thing for a very long time, I don't normally think back that far.

My dad always used to say, "you'll miss me when I'm gone" - and he was right, I really do.

I did have a happy childhood regardless, and I was sort of left to do my own thing which was good. I guess that's what made it so hard for me when my dad moved on; because the emotional support and encouragement I received from him disappeared. It also didn't help that when my friends and I were at the stage of starting to explore alcohol and other substances, that my mum would try and blame my friends for influencing me - as if I didn't have a mind of my own. I was actually anti-mind altering substances for quite awhile, and my friends were aware of this and it didn't matter to them either way. I think this made it difficult for me to relate to my mum when I was experiencing depression; as my mum put it down to me hanging out with my friends and taking drugs - I wasn't even taking anything then! I think it got to the point where my mum accused me and treated me like I was taking substances so much, that I thought fuck me - I may as well try them!

_____

I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, not teachers at school, not friends, I was rarely allowed to have friends over because my mum was afraid of people finding out.

This happened my whole life up until I was 13. At which time he got so pissed that he was walking down the footpath with his golf club which he used for a walking stick, and there was a car parked across the driveway. He damaged the car with the golf club. Then there was a court case, then he vowed to stop drinking. Then they ran some health checks to try and get him off of the charges because of his mental health. Then they found out he had lung cancer, because fantastically he smoke 40 cigarettes a day as well. Then he only had a couple of months to live. Then he got worse. Then he was in a hospice. Then the alcohol wasn't working for him any more and I wished it still was. Then I would have to wheel him in his wheel chair out to the balcony so he could still have a smoke, and every bump the wheels went over he would be in utter agony. Then I turned 14. Then he died a couple of weeks later.

What does this have to do with anything? I will bitch and moan however long I want to. I have every right too. I will not be quiet.

And I will change my phone number. Tax time is coming up soon so that should help.

I know he's hurting, he is in a really dark place. He is really depressed. I'm really sorry for hurting him. But when he sat me down and told me about the other women he's been with, why wasn't he sure then? Why did it have to come to this? Why aren't I allowed to have time to try and find myself when he made me so confused. This just doesn't help the situation, because I'm confused too.

I contacted his friend and they are talking to him on phone.

I'll change my number.

Edited September 20, 2010 by OpticalLight

[FancyPants]

Have been in similar situation to yourself a couple of times, OL. One was a mate who made me promise I'd help her off herself (I had no intention of helping her, not at this point of her life) after she'd been raped by two men. I basically just stayed up with her until she passed out drunk and exhausted. There's no ONE right way to handle these things. And since we who try to help are generally not trained psychiatrists it's EFFING hard to know what to do.

Fair enough.

But if you truly are at a point where you don't want the dramas anymore, why not change your phone number?

I mean after 6 years or what ever you said, I personally don't think it would be to big of a sacrifice, just to get it over with and cut the line for good.

I'm really not having a go at you and I probably shouldn't have said anything. But from being in a very seemingly similar situation (except on the other side) not so long ago, I look back and think, WTF, why would she sit there bitching and moaning about how awful it is to have be hearing about it. Yet not even bother to change her phone number?

 I mean he's probably just in a really dark place, which can make past times seem a lot better, than what they realistically were, he's just depressed, rather than trying to hurt you. If it was about hurting you, I doubt he'd be asking for ya to come back, yeah? If you don't want to know about it, just change your phone number.

Peace

 

 

Because just because a person isn't in your immediate life, doesn't mean you want them to commit suicide. Regardless if you were for-real with threatening suicide, why would you think someone trying to help another is "bitching and moaning"? Doesn't that person also deserve an outlet to frustration? Also, why should that person change their phone number?

[OpticalLight]

Thank you FancyPants. I can see where ur coming from too jabez, glad you commented.

[Evil Genius]

Hi Optical Light, you absolutely did the right thing. You just cant tolerate such a selfish behaviour. Break ups are hard but some guys have to learn that they cant act like a spoiled brat everytime they dont get what they want. bye Eg

[OpticalLight]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZhDHt9WywM

This is how I feel right now. And I thought I was well past Eminem. lol

[ref1ect1ons]

Cool song, thanks, had never heard this 'till now. I agree with EG, it is selfish but at the sametime I think he would change it if he knew how, so sort-of selfish but not selfish.

[SunChaser]

Because just because a person isn't in your immediate life, doesn't mean you want them to commit suicide. Regardless if you were for-real with threatening suicide, why would you think someone trying to help another is "bitching and moaning"? Doesn't that person also deserve an outlet to frustration? Also, why should that person change their phone number?

 

If we were just talking about friends, you'd have a good point. But this is a relationship, not to mention that from what I've read, the whole source of this poor blokes illness was the break up. There for lingering will just make things get worse, imo.

Also, how's he being selfish? His clearly unwell. If people acted rationally and were a joy to talk to when they were severely depressed, then depression wouldn't even be an issue, would it?

Fuck me, from what logic do people get the idea that a severely depressed person is just being selfish?

An opinion of the one rooting his ex, I'm guessing!

Edited June 9, 2010 by jabez

[ref1ect1ons]

Holy shit, you are so right Jman, and what about the attitude of the councillour, laughing and shit. No wonder he can't find any real help...

[OpticalLight]

If we were just talking about friends, you'd have a good point. But this is a relationship, not to mention that from what I've read, the whole source of this poor blokes illness was the break up. There for lingering will just make things get worse, imo.

Also, how's he being selfish? His clearly unwell. If people acted rationally and were a joy to talk to when they were severely depressed, then depression wouldn't even be an issue, would it?

Fuck me, from what logic do people get the idea that a severely depressed person is just being selfish?

An opinion of the one rooting his ex, I'm guessing!

 

My mistake for posting this thread.

Lingering is bad.

Good point.

I am not seeing anyone currently.

Someone kill this thread.

Edited September 23, 2010 by OpticalLight

[dworx]

Jabez I don't think that is what is being said but you are looking from one window and they are at another - you are both seeing the same story from a different angle and it communicates differnetly.

OL I was raised in a similar style to you, life is hard in an alcoholics world, when alcohol is more important than family, bad things get overlooked and it is the innocent that always suffer, I think jabez has a valid argument - step away from the problem or you will get dragged down with your ex. Any involvement you have will be manipulated by your ex, in a selfish attempt to regain what is lost. If he succeeds, you wont be happy, but if you are still involved and he carries out his promise you wont be happy, If you step away to live your life, even if he does as he has said, you can seperate yourself from this and carry on in pursuit of your happiness. You cannot be accountable for his actions and you should not be abused with his promise of suicide. He is surrounded by family and they can look after him, if it wasn't you I am sure someone else would have copped this same abuse, How old is he <20???

[OpticalLight]

Jabez I don't think that is what is being said but you are looking from one window and they are at another - you are both seeing the same story from a different angle and it communicates differnetly.

OL I was raised in a similar style to you, life is hard in an alcoholics world, when alcohol is more important than family, bad things get overlooked and it is the innocent that always suffer, I think jabez has a valid argument - step away from the problem or you will get dragged down with your ex. Any involvement you have will be manipulated by your ex, in a selfish attempt to regain what is lost. If he succeeds, you wont be happy, but if you are still involved and he carries out his promise you wont be happy, If you step away to live your life, even if he does as he has said, you can seperate yourself from this and carry on in pursuit of your happiness. You cannot be accountable for his actions and you should not be abused with his promise of suicide. He is surrounded by family and they can look after him, if it wasn't you I am sure someone else would have copped this same abuse, How old is he <20???

 

he is 24

[SunChaser]

Sorry optical, that last comment wasn't directed at you in anyway, I can see how it looked like it was.

I was kind of being a smart arse, by saying you'd probably be the sort of person to steal some blokes girlfriend to have that opinion.

But I should of kept my opinions to myself, really sorry.

Peace

[ref1ect1ons]

If someone wants to go hell bad, how selfish is it of the family to force them to continue out of guilt for them

[ThunderIdeal]

OL

1. collect your centrelink benefits, who knows how long you will be unemployed or whatever? its your right as an australian, and i know they're a pain to deal with, but its worth it when you have money in the bank.

2. you shouldn't need to change your phone plan ???? keep the plan, get your provider to give you a new number.

----------------

it sounds like a difficult situation. the above advice is straightforward stuff but i'll only venture one thought regarding the complex issues with your ex. when you desperately want to be with somebody, even the slightest hope is enough to hold onto. you haven't cut him out of your life (he has your number), so by the sound of it he will continue clinging to that hope, and that false hope won't help him.

i know you've already told him no. are you sure the answer is no? if the answer IS no, then perhaps the best thing for him is to either terminate all communication, or be prepared to give some of your energy to his recovery. this has more or less been said by others.

namaste

[C_T]

whatever you do, dont listen to jabez... he/she is the one who shouldn't be posting, not you Optical Light.

Yes suicide is selfish! If they stopped and thought about someone besides themselves, they'd realise this. So many people have hard lives, does a boyfriend or girlfriend breakup justify ending your life?! Or blaming that for getting off-track? And to ring you with an ultimatum... fuck me if that isn't the most selfish act out there i dunno what would trump it!!!

[SunChaser]

whatever you do, dont listen to jabez... he/she is the one who shouldn't be posting, not you Optical Light.

 

firstly, I never said anyone shouldn't be posting. As far as I'm concerned anyone can post anything they want here and it has nothing to do with me. I just gave my opinion without the BS emotions.

Also, forgetting about this actual situation and just talking in general. Suicide may be selfish, but so what? How peddy would a person need to be to want to point that fact out if a person had actually done it or was 'seriously' about too?

[Rabelais]

it sounds like a difficult situation. the above advice is straightforward stuff but i'll only venture one thought regarding the complex issues with your ex. when you desperately want to be with somebody, even the slightest hope is enough to hold onto. you haven't cut him out of your life (he has your number), so by the sound of it he will continue clinging to that hope, and that false hope won't help him.

^^this^^

You cannot leave him with the slightest bit of hope. He must understand without any doubt that it is 100% over. Totally cut him loose. Not friends, nothing.

That's all I'll venture.

Good luck with your new start.

[C_T]

firstly, I never said anyone shouldn't be posting. As far as I'm concerned anyone can post anything they want here and it has nothing to do with me. I just gave my opinion without the BS emotions.

Also, forgetting about this actual situation and just talking in general. Suicide may be selfish, but so what? How peddy would a person need to be to want to point that fact out if a person had actually done it or was 'seriously' about too?

 

please re-read the entire thread, then things will make clearer sense.

[OpticalLight]

Hi Optical Light, you absolutely did the right thing. You just cant tolerate such a selfish behaviour. Break ups are hard but some guys have to learn that they cant act like a spoiled brat everytime they dont get what they want. bye Eg

 

Hi Eg, it feels like I did the right thing in that particular call and the call I had to make afterwards; but the part where I said "do whatever you have to fucking do", hmmm, maybe not so ... but in the heat of the moment, that's what I said. I'm selfish, he's selfish; I think we'll just leave it at that. Break ups are hard, harder on the side which got broken up with though.