Of messianic complexes and apocalyptic visions...

[themagicmushroom]

This is going to be a progressive post, the whole affair is still very recent and somewhat metalogical... I'll add bits when, and if, i find words for 'it'... feel free to comment.

All text posted by the username "themagicmushroom" in this thread is copywrite me, 2006.

1. Where does one start a story?

I've always been a little 'crazy', never good at making friends, a little too intelligent for the traditional school (daycare?) system, a little too flakey for any other education system, too tall to not stand out, to shy to want to stand out. But, one plays the cards they're dealt.

Did anyone else ever get the feeling they were being 'watched' when they were a kid? Like their life was a setup? Like the whole damn thing was orcestrated by someone else? Did I hear the back row mutter "skitzoid?" Yep, I was already off to a shakey start...

I remember when I was a kid, the whole world seemed to react to my thoughts, feelings, etc. I used to play games with myself on long car trips, a car would overtake (my mum drove like, well, a woman...), and I would try to guess the numbers on the numberplates... I generally came pretty close. Considering I was technically guessing, my hit rate was astounding, but, wasn't that the way the world worked? Nothing special, just passing the time...

Then as I grew up, the world seemed to stop working like that, I was introduced to emperical science, the "physical" logic of the western mindset, and started to get caught up in an inferiority complex due to my percieved "weirdness". Well, biting kids that wouldn't leave me alone is pretty weird isn't it?

(Fastforward through several years, several schools, several councillors and a hell of a lot of ritalin)

Highschool, what is it about highschool that makes everyone cringe now, is it the way others were? or the way we were? A bit of both I'd guess...

I get expelled from *insert fuck-off priced private school in Canberra... the one in Red Hill* for attempting to buy cannabis, and get sent... somewhere else. New school, new Mikee. This time not with a reputation as a fucking psychopath but as a druggy (much cooler), and I fall in with the "wrong" crowd. All is good, for a while...

(Fastforward through 3 years of, well, smoking up, drinking and harrasing various government authorities)

Magic mushies? Grow? in CANBERRA? WTF!?! Why didn't anyone tell me? Yeah, fuck yeah! First trip is shits n giggles... mostly giggles. "Maaaaaan... is that carpark like... underwater?" Fun trip, laugh my ass off ("Wow, I thought I saw a seahorse"). Good times.

2nd trip... BANG. (I feel compelled to point out that my first trip was 20 subs, in good company. My second was 70, and just when I'd finished munching them, I remembered I'd arranged to go see Starwars Episode 2 with my dad. The audio delay on the space-mines was fucking cool... but all the mirrors in Australian Pizza Kitchen really got to me, lol)

Anyway 2nd trip, BANG. I spend the night wandering the cold, wet and incredibly beautiful streets of canberra.... thinking. Objective thoughts, emotional honesty like I'd never experienced before... I forgive all the jeering faces from school, all the teachers, everyone, everything. The world becomes perfect in its imperfection. Wow... so drugs can be... good? As well as fun? Fuck yeah. I start tripping as often as my tollerence allows and soon enough the season is at an end. Mikee just discovered spirituality.

2. A little sex, lots of drugs and banging techno partys:

About this time I was introduced to the rave scene... Ecstacy didn't do *anything* for a while but i loved the openness, the happy people (i was previously a wigger), and the music was so... cool. (Happy hardcore really IS hardcore, you just GOTTA be edgy if you can be so mindlessly happy every weekend...) then the pills start working... WOW. It's all taken to a new level... Life IS good.

Soon though, the politics come in. People (ghosts?) from the past start showing up, sketch recoverys and sunday pills. Speed. Ketty. G. People having arguments about who gets the last nitrous bulb. paranoia. rediculous social games and power-plays. Paranoia. Messy homosexual experimentation. PARANOIA. Dealers and large sums of cash. PARANOIA. Ice.

Fucking ice. I'd NEVER have thought i'd get addicted to anything so fucking fast. suddenly my brain goes "Wow. I know this feeling" (i was on 60mg/day from the age of 7). And the ride starts...

But I'm NOT stupid enough to go down that that path. 6 months later I fuck it off for good. I look around and find my life changed. Kicked out of home, living with a "boyfriend" 16 years older than me, my new-found friends have rapidly evaporated (to those amazing couple of people who stuck by me, if you ever read this, know now that I love you and would do anything for you), addicted to nicotine and fast becoming an alcoholic. Oops.

over the next year or so I try to pull it together occasionally, get the only job I can and proceed to drink and smoke myself retarded. (this is where that bullshit inferiority complex comes in, if you take anything from this ramble, let it be this: you are only worth as much to anyone else as you are to your self.)

The "boyfriend" gets the shits with having a lazy druggy that dosen't put out around and kicks me out, I would have too. Hey, i've got nowhere to live... I've got a ticket to earthcore though... sort it out next week eh? yeah, fucking PHAT.

3. How to garrantee a psychedelic freak-out:

So, I'm going to a four day party, I've got $900... and I'm gonna wax the lot! the free radicals inside me are freaking man!!!

(I've proven this to myself time and again since, btw, so you can probably trust my data... 1g crystal, 3 bickies, 5 drops of lucy, some opium, some salvia, 60 nitrous bulbs, opium, a case of goon, 2 tins of tuna and a packet of rollups. Yeah, that'll keep me going for four days... Find out yourself if you must, but don't say you wern't warned...)

So, I rock up to earthcore, the temp is 45 degrees in the shade. The sky is burning, you can't see more that 200 metres due to the heat-waves. We have a beer and bed down for the night, except, I can't sleep... I'M AT EARTHCORE!!! So, I stay up, do a little speed in the morning to stay up and party. someone shouts some acid, I go for a swim and go toe-to-toe (well head to head) with a log. Dive right into it. Mmm water. Mmm concussion. Mmm drowning.... get out, go back to camp, hole up in a tent and start smoking meth. The next night comes round, and I'm lying there, tweaking out, listening to the randoms I'm camped with talk cod-shit.

"...sensient were cool..."

"...so fucken munted..."

"...way better trippers..."

"...I reckon mikee and gabe are arse buddies..."

"...wanna get some food..."

"...wheres that dickhead..."

Now, my best friend has gotten paranoid that I'm into him, (everyone thinks I'm a fag at this stage) and won't talk to me, the suns rising, the temp is rising, the anger is rising.... "who the fuck do these people think they are? call me a fag, fucks I'll fucking kill them all, motherfuckers..." blah, blah, fuckity blah blah blah. Cut a long story short, the whole ordeal ends with me screaming at a stunned campsite "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?! ALL I'M DOING HERE IS TRYING TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS" and running off crying into the bush.

(Curtain closes on a campsite full of stunned ravers, an emotional mess and a reputation as a wingy little girl. Nice.)

4. Mikee gets a girl.

After I get back from earthcore, i met and moved in with a girl, the girl was kinda fucked up, but so was I, and we spent our days combing the botanical gardens for shrooms, smoking weed and doing what boys and girls do.

I fell in (what I thought was) love, and the girl said she did, but then started calling me by her first byfriends name. and talking about marrige, and going psychotic. neurotic, depressive, hypocondriac. whole thing falls apart. At the end it got really sick and twisted, bad head games. fear and loathing style.

<So, yeah, I won't post the nasty details, not conducive to the story really, suffice to say, I ate irregually, my main protein source was beer, and a "good meal" was when I stole the occasional block of chocolate from the supermarket... we really fucked eachother over six ways from the proverbial. She decides to move to sydney with the guy she picked up to spite me. Funny thing is, we've been talking recently, and getting on really happily. just friends, but strange none-the-less. >

Just before she moves to sydney, she re-introduces me to a guy who I'd meet at a canberra doof a couple of years previously. wow, this dude. over fifty, makes most hardcore acidheads look like school kids, lived in india for 15 years, can read and write sanskrit, and wow... eats SO much acid... i digress.

He offers me some work, fixing stuff, building some stuff, yeah cool, potter around, do some stuff, print some art, fucking sick.

We go doofing.... argh! psytrance... nasty!! bad memories of earthcore. I sit in the car for 24 hours smoking bongs, freekinthefuckout. Argue with the girlfriend. make a fool of myself. Again...meh.

She leaves, I've got no job, no money, no house. no potential, no future, not much of a past. Few friends, more enemies, several drug habits and a rapidly retreating prospect of making it to the end of 2005 alive. FUCK YEAH!!! LETS GET SMASHED!!!

Go to another doof, paranoid, anti-social... wow, this is starting to become normal... wheres my happy kandi-kid personality gone?!? Meh , i'll eat some acid, that'll fix it.

I have my first salvia trip ever at this party... I wake up from it with the distinct impression of having been told something...important, and kind of chilling... but, what?

Some of my krsna friends crew decide to give me a room... ? Still don't know why, but i'll be eternally grateful. I proceed to, well.... get high. Strangely enough, my REAL trip starts about here. BE WARNED: Hari Krishnas are a dangerous bunch if you value the rational approch to reality

Next episode - the awakening 05.

(blah, that took a while to manifest. sorry. The bits the title refers to are next tho, it'll all make sense by the morning.... or, more realistically, next week some time... )

Edited November 7, 2006 by themagicmushroom

[themagicmushroom]

I do have to apologise about the spits and spurts that this text will manifest in, I'm a bad writer and a worse typer, (the above took me an hour and a half) but I want to share this. When I find the words, the good bits will start to appear, but please bear with me. Theres a taoist saying; "the instant a man says something, he has missed the mark" and it can sometimes be hard to do battle with old truisms...

Love.

Mikee.

[transDiMenTional]

good read. I look forward to more. look after yourself man

[nabraxas]

yeah geezer, excellent stuff, such honesty is really refreshing & confronting.

look forward to reading more.

[phloom]

Yeah man, respekt.....

quote: "arguments about who gets the last nitrous bulb. paranoia. rediculous social games and power-plays. Paranoia"

Is reality shifting, or are the bulbs no good any more?!!

You are one of the new beat poets dude.

[themagicmushroom]

thx so much for the positive responses more soon.

M.

[themagicmushroom]

So, I rock up to earthcore, the temp is 45 degrees in the shade. The sky is burning, you can't see more that 200 metres due to the heat-waves. We have a beer and bed down for the night, except, I can't sleep... I'M AT EARTHCORE!!! So, I stay up, do a little speed in the morning to stay up and party. someone shouts some acid, I go for a swim and go toe-to-toe (well head to head) with a log. Dive right into it. Mmm water. Mmm concussion. Mmm drowning.... get out, go back to camp, hole up in a tent and start smoking meth. The next night comes round, and I'm lying there, tweaking out, listening to the randoms I'm camped with talk cod-shit.

"...sensient were cool..."

"...so fucken munted..."

"...way better trippers..."

"...I reckon mikee and gabe are arse buddies..."

"...wanna get some food..."

"...wheres that dickhead..."

Now, my best friend has gotten paranoid that I'm into him, (everyone thinks I'm a fag at this stage) and won't talk to me, the suns rising, the temp is rising, the anger is rising.... "who the fuck do these people think they are? call me a fag, fucks I'll fucking kill them all, motherfuckers..." blah, blah, fuckity blah blah blah. Cut a long story short, the whole ordeal ends with me screaming at a stunned campsite "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!?! ALL I'M DOING HERE IS TRYING TO MAKE SOME FRIENDS" and running off crying into the bush.

(Curtain closes on a campsite full of stunned ravers, an emotional mess and a reputation as a wingy little girl. Nice.)

4.

[complex]

thanks for sharing, im not sure if i was meant to enjoy reading it.. but i did.

I do have to apologise about the spits and spurts that this text will manifest in, I'm a bad writer and a worse typer

I actually liked the style in which you wrote, writing in a 'cleaner' style would not have really suited it.

[Guest onemind]

No offense but why is this copyright? Do you think someone would pay to read this crap?

[Hagakure]

onemind, did you know that engine oil is an excellent fertiliser for your p.viridis?

[MORG]

Yeah dude. The "no offence" and smiley don't exactly make that statement silky.

A bit of unnecessary negativity.

[Guest onemind]

hehe, *rushes off to buy engine oil*

Sorry guys, just didnt think we should encourage this type of thing.

Whateva makes you tingle i guess.

[Northern Gnome]

Did anyone else ever get the feeling they were being 'watched' when they were a kid? Like their life was a setup? Like the whole damn thing was orcestrated by someone else?

Ever see that move The Truman Show[/b}? That is what it is about.

[Hagakure]

Sorry guys, just didnt think we should encourage this type of thing.

heaven forbid encouraging creativity

[Guest onemind]

ok, forget i mentioned it..

*slinks off to another thread*

[Tripitaka]

Sorry guys, just didnt think we should encourage this type of thing.

You're kidding right!!! this type of thing!! You mean SELF EXPRESSION!! Dude, who are you again??

Can a mod clean this up so it flows again. Sorry TMM, some people actually enjoy creativity. Onemind, don't expect any input from me again regarding your questions.

I wonder how many times, Kerouac, Miller, Burroughs et al. heard those sentiments?

[Guest onemind]

Didn't mean to offend really. Would be happy for mods to remove my comments.

[mescalito]

You can edit your own posts too dude!

[Guest onemind]

I thought of that but it seems i have been quoted

Now i am being black mailed with knowledge.

My bad

[apothecary]

Just as a small infobyte onemind,

Any work created is automatically copyright and owned by the author.

Why would he want to copyright? It's his right. His writing could be no better than an album about eating shit and it'd still be copyright.

Nice read. I don't usually come into this subforum but when I do I usually leave impressed (you didn't let me down).

[transDiMenTional]

I wonder how many times, Kerouac, Miller, Burroughs et al. heard those sentiments?

my thoughts exactly! keep at it Mikee

[wandjina]

Bring it on Mikee...your writing is honest, raw and edgy...I likee

But remember that you can't please everyone, and that's OK

Grow a heart and some tact unkind, I mean onemind

[Guest onemind]

wonder how many times, Kerouac, Miller, Burroughs et al. heard those sentiments?

my thoughts exactly! keep at it Mikee

I've read Kerouac, and this is no Kerouac and you all know it. If i am not allowed to speak my mind and have to lie about things then why would i bother with an open forum?

I am all for creativity, just not found of the subject matter. I can read this stuff in the diaries of thousands of rural australians who dropped out of highschool and ended up in a psych ward.

This forum is for using plants for their beneficial purposes, not for escaping reality or dealing with your mental problems. Its not a matter of me growing a heart, it is a matter of you growing a brain.

If you dont want to share your knowledge with me, dont. I could care less.

Edited October 17, 2006 by onemind

[wandjina]

This forum is for using plants for their beneficial purposes, not for escaping reality or dealing with your mental problems. Its not a matter of me growing a heart, it is a matter of you growing a brain.

Who are you to say what the forums are for? Or what defines reality, escapism or mental problems?

How arrogant!

You can jam it mate, don't expect us to tolerate this nasty shit.

If you can't express yourself without being a cocky arsehole then you won't last long here...

[sobriquet]

Just noticed this thread today.

Great read. Raw and the style is very suiting to the content.

I've always wanted the creative side in myself to come out and I haven't yet found the outlet. I've tried painting and writing but I'm not great at either.

I'm keen to read the rest of the stuff as it flows.

I know the feeling of orchestrated life, I've felt it myself - the hidden hand, that directs one from door to door in one's life. I'm also a bit of a loner in that I have no close friends at all and it's been like that ever since I can remember from childhood. Schizoid or schizotypal, not sure but I can really relate to some of what you write.

Cheers.