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Why is it that a person who can beat a woman, hit her, punch her and do it over and over, over the years think that he is good and that his violence is all her fault?

Why is it that someone can hide this kind of thing and be taken for a real good guy, and then when the woman he treated this way leaves him everyone thinks, "oh that poor man" and nobody ever even asks her a thing, because they think that he is so great that she must be bad or screwed up to leave him...?

dishonest people suck so much, what is worse is violent, dishonest and unstable people, who people think are great because of how they hide their history and personality

to me a man who hits or beats a woman is no better than a rapist

but a lot of people seem to think that this sort of person makes a great person, because they can be soft spoken and charming.

it is funny how ignorant people are, how fucked up their priorities and sympathies actually are

a little ass kissing goes a long, long way

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word.

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You are right when you say that people always think "oh that poor man" and in my experience they don't see the side of him at home that hits and belittles the woman in his life.

On the other hand you have to wonder what goes through a womans head that justifies taking this man back into her life.

I have watched the police drag men off after bashing a woman and then within days she has allowed him back into her life.

After a week or two of good behaviour they get smacked around again.

I can't understand why a woman thinks this is acceptable and why they think they deserve it.

I have had several heated arguments with my man and he has never raised a hand to me he walks away until he cools down.

So I see it as a cowardly act as well.

I have also seen couples where the woman is the aggressor, if you are going to physically attack someone bigger and stronger then you well you deserve everything you get

I dare say we all know a couple where there is violence from both partners that is a bit different and I don't think you are talking about that.

Edited by SallyD
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I dare say we all know a couple where there is violence from both partners that is a bit different and I don't think you are talking about that.

One of the things I am hating on is how a person can blame their own actions on another person, violence in particular. Intolerance and oppression too though.

The concept that somehow there is a viable excuse for domestic violence disgusts me...

and what of the woman who fails to leave out of fear?

If the image is of a stable couple then nobody has a fucking clue why it lasted, then if someone comes along who helps the woman find the courage to leave the person who she is not happy with then that person is viewed as wrecking a relationship, even hated, for actually helping someone.

Sometimes the right thing isn't seen as right, and what is seen as right is just a shallow image, which conceals so much.

Edited by Archaea
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My partners step dad is exactly like that towards her mum. It is so wrong that some men get 'pride' out of hitting and belittling a woman.. Generally most of these cowards will never stand up to another man the same size or bigger than them, as they are piss weak and have to hit their partner to feel 'tough' and respected.

It is just like belting a harmless animal until it is so petrified of you it won't leave your side, until one day you go too far and it runs away. Some assholes seem to get inside a females mind and manipulate it into thinking their life will be useless without them and they will have nothing. They just need to be shown the light at the end and that life can be anything they want it to be. Nobody can control anybody.

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it is funny how ignorant people are, how fucked up their priorities and sympathies actually are

Sally and myself live in an area where domestic violence is a daily occurrence, we see women attack men, men attack women, children getting bashed and groups of children bashing adults way too often. Many of the assaults also involve weapons where we live.

Sally didn't make any excuses for violence she just pointed out a fact. In a tough area you learn to fight back or you will get seriously hurt or even killed.

I really think you've taken her comments out of context.

It was no excuse for for domestic violence, just what we see every day.

The image of a stable couple is rare where there is violence in my experience, there are always signs, people just choose to ignore them.

We had sympathy for our neighbour who was being repeatedly getting bashed by her de facto. She would call the police and have him arrested and then a few days later he'd be back and start bashing her again within weeks.

The second last time she took a restraining order out against him an 3 days later he was living back at her house. He almost killed her the last time.

We had sympathy for her the first ten or so times but she kept inviting him back because "she loved him" even though he bashed the crap out of her and her children.

Sally grew up in a house with a drunken stepdad who bashed her mum and family and her mum kept letting him come back because she loved him.

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I spent almost eighteen months in a very abusive relationship. It started about 1 month into the relationship. I threatened to leave on many occasions, but she would always find a way of making me stay. This usually involved her threatening to kill herself. After she fell pregnant it became much worse. Now there were two lives at stake when she threatened suicide. She would also threaten that if I left I would never see my son. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if she was serious about suicide, but I didn't want to risk it. I also didn't want to leave a defenseless child in the care of someone like that, and thought it was better that I was around to keep an eye on things. I was being punched and bitten on a daily basis. Anything she could do to hurt me physically or emotionally, she would. She often held a knife at my throat in order to get her way on something.

For some reason, I still cared about her, but I don't think I would have still been there had it not been for the child. I really did not know how to deal with the situation, and there really aren't a lot of resources out there for men in that situation.

The situation came to a head when I discovered a whole lot of things including the fact that the kid possibly wasn't mine. Her reaction when I confronted her was to get violent, but this time I stood up for myself. Now I know that I wasn't just defending myself when I hit her. I was enraged. The abuse I had suffered for months I had basically put up with because of her lies. Yes, I have to live with the fact that I hit a pregnant woman, but it's not something I feel any guilt about. I was in a situation where something like that was inevitable. The only reason I was in that situation in the first place was a misguided care for that child. Put in that same situation, I don't think I could handle it any better today. The difference is, that I'm now smart enough not to get into a situation like that in the first place.

So, call me a "rapist" if you like. If you have been in the situation I was in and handled it better, then my hat goes off to you.

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Put in that same situation, I don't think I could handle it any better today. The difference is, that I'm now smart enough not to get into a situation like that in the first place.

The beauty of hindsight.

Hope all has worked out for you mate. Sounds like a nightmare.

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Well, that was about 7 years ago now. Virtually forgotten now, but I'll never forget the experience. I know first hand that domestic violence is not always the man's fault, and I get a little upset when people make the issue black and white. I've currently been in a wonderful relationship with my wonderful girlfriend for about 6 years, so yeah, it has worked out for me :) There's still one loose end though...

I gave up trying to find out if the kid was mine or not. I tried for months to organise a paternity test (through a lawyer) but she never turned up to any appointments. One day she came to my house and was bashing on my door yelling and screaming. I didn't answer the door (in fact, I called the cops) because I would have been in violation of a frivolous intervention order if I did. She was after 'child support' as far as I could tell. I can't help thinking that if she thinks the kid is mine she would have gotten the paternity test done so that she could get money. So...this makes me think the kid probably isn't mine. However, the possibility remains that he is mine.

If he comes looking for me when he's old enough, then I'll be happy to get a paternity test done. In the mean time, I don't think it would really help to have the paternity test done at the moment, either for him or me, so if she suddenly had a change of heart and wanted the test, I think I would refuse.

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If there's one thing people fear, it is awareness of self-hate. Many of them do anything they can to avoid it...

Really glad that things have gotten better for you, ballzac. Nobody needs that sort of shit in their life.

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I spent almost eighteen months in a very abusive relationship. It started about 1 month into the relationship.

To me that says it all. 17 months in a relationship that you should have ended only 30 days in.

You have excuses that she did this or she did that, that you felt this or that, but when it comes down to it the relationship was deeply flawed and not likely healthy for either of you.

I am glad you are smart enough now to stay out of a dysfunctional relationship.

I think it is incredibly foolish and stupid to take the approach that you can make it work in a fucked up relationship, it is wise that you saw through it.

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I've seen women act crazy and self destructive to get out of bad relationships, the man not realizing that she is only like that because of the relationship itself.

It isn't like she tried to push you off a roof and you were too stupid to realize that the relationship was unhealthy for both of you.

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To me that says it all. 17 months in a relationship that you should have ended only 30 days in.

He should have ended it on the day of the first problem?

I've seen women act crazy and self destructive to get out of bad relationships, the man not realizing that she is only like that because of the relationship itself.

It isn't like she tried to push you off a roof and you were too stupid to realize that the relationship was unhealthy for both of you.

Are you trying to be supportive here? Because if not, you just changed your tune in a record of two minutes...

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He should have ended it on the day of the first problem?

Did I say or write that?

Did he?

He said that the abuse started a month into the relationship. I implied that he should have quit then. What part of that makes you think I said he should have left at the first sign of problems? I don't get it, where does it say that?

so what, are you implying he should have left at the second problem? The 3rd? after 4 months of it? After a year of it?

Why not leave when it becomes clear that the relationship is abusive? Did he not imply that was a month into a relationship that lasted over a year?

What would you suggest? Pretending we can change other people or that others will change for us?

Are you trying to be supportive here? Because if not, you just changed your tune in a record of two minutes...

I was just saying that it isn't good to stay in a relationship that is recognized as abusive.

Do you have a different opinion?

Feel free to share what you think if you want, or just comment about my comments and see how that works for you.

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I have never been in an abusive relationship so can't comment on that side of things. But from my experience with relationships there is always a little turmoil at the beginning when you are both sorting out your differences. You both either (1)compromise and develop a loving supportive relationship or (2) break up and leave each other. In the type of relationship that Archaea speaks of (3)the couple stay together for whatever reason and maintain the destructive relationship in the long term. Even going so far as to hide the real nature of the bond.

It takes some time to work out which of these bonds will unfold. In my opinion Ballzac's destructive relationship falls into the second category. It just takes longer to see what is happening without the gift of hindsight. What happened to Ballzac could happen to the best of us. That's life and from the sounds of it he wont be falling for that trap again. Lesson learnt.

I hope the little man is ok. Even if he isn't your son. You can't wish for more on this earth than loving supportive parents.

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I agree.

Bad relationships suck for everybody, but some people don't care about anything but how it seems, to them as long as others don't see their dysfunction then they can pretend it isn't there. Sadly though this kind of thing prevents people from being happy, they think that

they will become happy if they just go through the motions, but it doesn't work like that.

If you have kids together then there is this whole thing where people think it is ok to maintain an abusive relationship for the kids, this is not a healthy thing though and can do more damage than splitting up can. You don't want the kids mislead as to what a healthy relationship looks, feels and sounds like.

I've met people who don't know what love is or what it feels like, but they think they have it because they have attachment and have affection and think that means they have love. Often they imitate the relationships they have seen and considered successful, but how thing seem is not often how they are. So people make themselves and others suffer and think that they are owed something for having invested so much time, effort and emotion into the relationship, they think to themselves " I gave X the best years of my life" not realizing that the opposite is true.

Love isn't an obligation or a duty. It isn't something that is forced or chosen, it isn't a decision that can be made.

It is funny how often giving up means staying together and courage means letting go.

Real love is very powerful, a good relationship cannot be broken.

A happy marriage is not something that falls apart.

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I spent almost eighteen months in a very abusive relationship. It started about 1 month into the relationship.

To me that says it all. 17 months in a relationship that you should have ended only 30 days in.

Did I say or write that?

Yes. Yes you did. If the trouble started about a month in, and you say it should have ended in 30 days, then that would indicate that you are, indeed explicitly, stating that he should have left at the very first sign of trouble.

Archae you talk as though you're somewhat of an expert about relationships, but all I can gather from what you've said is that you're extremely opinionated and biased. I know for a fact that you can change people, and that people will change for you. I also believe that you shouldn't up and leave at the first sign of violence. One occurrence does not mean that another is definitely on its way, at the least you can try to sort through this crap with your partner and leave if it becomes reasonably clear that nothing is going to change.

You also seem extremely aggressive.

The main thing I cannot understand about all this is that violence against women is the overriding concern. All of you go on about how it shouldn't be tolerated that men abuse their spouses when

"In 100 domestic violence situations approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men."

Nobody really finds that too troubling though do they? Is it because women are seen as weaker, even helpless? Ballzac has helped illustrate that this is the case, being personally involved in a relationship like that.

(Somehow I feel that I will regret saying a lot of this... Later)

Anyway. Just my 2c, I hope it doesn't spark anyone off or anything, this is a very highly strung thread imo.

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While I've never experienced this firsthand, my opinion is that the majority of abuse cases (either emotional or physical, committed by either man or woman) stem from fear of being left alone. Man beats woman so she feels worthless and doesn't want to go to other men, leaving him - to deal with the problems he doesn't want to face - alone. Woman emotionally belittles man because she thinks he'll leave her (just like her daddy left when she was a little girl) so she pushes him away first. Obviously not a blanket reason - NOT EXCUSE - but it seems to feel right for quite a few I've witnessed either publicly or with people I've known.

I used to think "how could he/she put up with that person?" but now I realise realistically I could never say what I'd do unless I were in that position myself, so I hold no judgement. When children are involved the story is different, but I still reserve judgement.

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i think, if the abuser is rich (like the violent tv stars), than it seems they can still get away with it.

and it feels the topic starter has a certain person in the visir. a repeat offender, probably dispalying extreem violence.

another thing to understand is that violence is a very strong form of interaction and as such, the victim often returns to the abuser, in short, no one can compete with this display of power, violence is unfortunately a strong movie.

i noticed in roll plays, that bitch slapping in a play full mannor, can have totaly different results,

some woman love it a lot, and go off on it, and others react deeply distubed on the other hand, i think that, when ever we react very strongly to something, it's probably because of a child hood trauma.

abuse against woman is not to be tolerated, and i think the situation is getting better,

there is though still one taboo subject around, and thats violence against men.

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i have been in a few abusive relationships, receiving end.

until last year being in one with the mother of my child, one night i thought she was putting our son at risk and i bitch slapped her a few times, she was hysterical and scaring me, i didnt want to call pigs on her. i was not thinking straight...

i ended up called the police but on myself for assault and going to court

over it all, she tried to get the charges dropped but because a child was involved she had no say. after i got bailed out i took myself to the local mental institution (James Fletcher) and spent a bit of time in there aswell just to be sure.

i am not a violent person, i find it revolting hence i reported myself to be punished for my actions, but i am also in no way a bad person because of my mistake. i admitted my wrong and did everything in my action to resolve it.

this is not justification for my actions but explaination to the situation leading up to it. people all to often judge on the actions ignoring the situation the individual was put in. which in alot of cases does have relevance.

anyway, just thought id add my experience. ive been wanting to get it out there so people can judge me .

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i have been in a few abusive relationships, receiving end.

until last year being in one with the mother of my child, one night i thought she was putting our son at risk and i bitch slapped her a few times, she was hysterical and scaring me, i didnt want to call pigs on her. i was not thinking straight...

i ended up called the police but on myself for assault and going to court

over it all, she tried to get the charges dropped but because a child was involved she had no say. after i got bailed out i took myself to the local mental institution (James Fletcher) and spent a bit of time in there aswell just to be sure.

i am not a violent person, i find it revolting hence i reported myself to be punished for my actions, but i am also in no way a bad person because of my mistake. i admitted my wrong and did everything in my action to resolve it.

this is not justification for my actions but explaination to the situation leading up to it. people all to often judge on the actions ignoring the situation the individual was put in. which in alot of cases does have relevance.

anyway, just thought id add my experience. ive been wanting to get it out there so people can judge me .

Fuck that's deep man

Things could have gone several different ways in that situation.

Domestic violence has to begin with one incident and then it spirals out of control, Good on you for taking some positive action before things really went sour.

It takes balls to be able to admit there's a problem and then act on it and do something to prevent a disaster.

Like a few others have said you never know how you're going to react until it happens to you, I don't know how I would have dealt with it.

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I know for a fact that you can change people, and that people will change for you. I also believe that you shouldn't up and leave at the first sign of violence. One occurrence does not mean that another is definitely on its way, at the least you can try to sort through this crap with your partner and leave if it becomes reasonably clear that nothing is going to change.

I am going to say i strongly disagree with all of the above and think that it reflects some wishful thinking.

People are wild animals, they can't be tamed or predicted and a bad sign is always a bad sign.

if you think that by the first sign of trouble is the same as the time it is clear that a relationship is abusive then I really don't care what opinion follows, to me by the time it is clear that the situation is abusive then the first sign of trouble is long past.

Nobody can take back what is done, abusive doesn't go away. Nobody should feel like they need to stick it out with someone who abused them.

Edited by Archaea
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Woman emotionally belittles man because she thinks he'll leave her (just like her daddy left when she was a little girl) so she pushes him away first.

Upbringing is definitely a major part of it. Here's another example:

Boy gets beaten throughout childhood by Father and/or Mother - Boy develops inner self-hate out of guilt - Boy becomes man while retaining self-hate - Man projects his self-hate onto others, hurting some of them in the process - Man ends up in the same kind of relationship he had with his parents - Man feels at home

People are wild animals, they can't be tamed or predicted and a bad sign is always a bad sign.

Not only does this sentence contradict itself, but it also goes against much of what you've previously said.

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I am going to say i strongly disagree with all of the above and think that it reflects some wishful thinking. People are wild animals, they can't be tamed or predicted and a bad sign is always a bad sign.

People are predictable if you know them. I will freely admit that I'm an optimist at times Archaea, but I wouldn't say it's entirely wishful thinking.

I and my partner are living proof that change is possible. We've had our differences, bad habits and such that grated the wrong way, and our relationship was threatened a few times when it all seemed a little too much to bear; but due to some simple changes (I won't say they were easy) we're happy, and our relationship has lasted more than 30 times longer than anybody would have guessed.

A bad sign is a difficulty. Difficulties can be overcome. You can give up at the first sign of adversity if you want, but while you're at it why don't you stick the noose around your neck? You don't get anywhere without trying to solve your problems.

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Archaea, When I first met my current girlfriend, I had only been out of the bad relationship with my ex for a few months. I had so much baggage, and I know I fucked up severely on several occasions. Not that I was ever physically abusive or anything, but my attitude wasn't making things easy, and it was really hard for me to trust her based on my previous experience. Luckily for both of us, my girlfriend had enough faith in me to give me the chance to show her that I'm not really like that, and that our relationship was worth working at. Perhaps it's not the norm, but I think people can change their current attitudes or behaviour if it is something that they want to change. Obviously you can't change someone if they don't want to change, or don't want the help.

You have excuses that she did this or she did that, that you felt this or that, but when it comes down to it the relationship was deeply flawed and not likely healthy for either of you.

I am glad you are smart enough now to stay out of a dysfunctional relationship.

I think it is incredibly foolish and stupid to take the approach that you can make it work in a fucked up relationship, it is wise that you saw through it.

I appreciate that you're acknowledging that I did the right thing by leaving, but I definitely see an imbalance in your perspective. In your first post you're opinion was very black and white about abusive relationships. That abusive men are no better than rapists etc. But then when you hear of a woman abusing a man, all of a sudden the "relationship is flawed". Perhaps you would have the same view if I was a woman in exactly the same situation, but from reading your posts here I suspect not.

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