Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

[Μορφέας]

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. "I am sterile"

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue -

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story -

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

[Korky]

"LEGEND...LEGEND...DEAD SET LEGEND!"

Man i was smiling the whole way down the page, i have always been shit scared of a chick sabotaging her contraception (or if crazy enough even mine).

great story, thanks for sharing, even in an over populated planet biology still overpowers morals.

Edited March 13, 2007 by endogenous

[Μορφέας]

lol my x told me she was knocked up and let me worry my soul into a pit of depression when i was 17 for 2 weeks before she said she lied to teach me a lesson...

....oh the anger, my blood boiled

Edited March 12, 2007 by tepa

[Korky]

i know the pain, i too was 17 and still at high school and my GF at the time had missed her period by two weeks and FUCK i was beside myself what a turning point that could have bee seeing i doubt i will ever have children now (through choice).

man your X pulled a move, did you stay with her after that?

[Fenris]

Epic story. Wise beyond your years.

[Μορφέας]

man your X pulled a move, did you stay with her after that?

Haha... i thought it was love... 2 years more we were together, ayyeee i still miss her, or at least having someone to love

as far from being Wise beyond your years. that choice was

Edited March 13, 2007 by tepa

[Ace]

Man, that is fucking OUTSTANDING!!!!!! I cant believe you managed to keep cool the whole way through!!! You are my god!

[nabraxas]

personally i think this seems pretty low.

yes the girl should have been honest w/you, but then you weren't exactly open & honest w/her, if you'd told her from the start about your vasectomy the situation would never have arisen.

the way you seem to take pleasure & pride in the whole sorry affair strikes me as throughly misogynistic.

[Ace]

Nabs, if you found out your missus was cheating on you - you'd be pissed. Like any other bloke/sheila. To have something like that, that completely proves she was the one who made the cockup, when she is accusing you - and to be able to pull it all off with such charisma - how could you possibly not be proud of it?

I truly congatulate Tepa on his skills and patients here - its something everybody who has ever been cheated on wishes they could do, but didnt manage at the time.

Once again - very nice work

edit - if you'd told her from the start about your vasectomy the situation would never have arisen.

Whats to say she still wouldnt be cheating behind his back? What would you do if she ended up preggers anyway? You'd be so pissed, but you couldnt do anything other than leave in an angry mess. He was lucky that he pulled it off and that it went down like it did. No doubt, in the future, when he find someone that truly looks like he should settle down with, he should be honest and open, but this chick seemed a bit odd from the start, as he said.

Edited March 16, 2007 by Ace

[apothecary]

This story definitely isn't written by Tepa.

It's plain to see from the very first paragraph of this rather predictable story that nabraxas is right.

Ace, in all likelihood you are congratulating a fictional figure. Probably written vicariously by some bitter guy who wished he got a vasectomy.

[goldfinger]

This story definitely isn't written by Tepa.

It's plain to see from the very first paragraph of this rather predictable story that nabraxas is right.

Ace, in all likelihood you are congratulating a fictional figure. Probably written vicariously by some bitter guy who wished he got a vasectomy.

I concur great story excellent reading. But it just lacks the realism. It just reads to good to be true. I dont think many ppl would be able to pull that off. But a great story nonetheless.

I immensly enjoyed it.

goldfinger

[Ace]

Oh well - fictional or not - it certainly put a smile on my dial!

I prolly should have thought it wouldnt be true Silly old me

[Μορφέας]

lol No this wasnt me its just a story thats been passed around, who knows maybe it has some truthful roots to it from some point in time.

personally i think this seems pretty low.

Lol fair enough, Iv found n recon women to can be very coniving bitches at heart,

personally i think she got what she desearved.

Edited March 16, 2007 by tepa

[MORG]

Exhibit A of why we have no women left on this forum