Finding out your ex-fiance is having a kid to another man.

[LikeAshesWeFade]

Hey guys.. not sure if this belongs in the bitches, gripes thread, but I thought I'd see if there's any others that may possibly be in a similar situation. Anyhow..

9mths ago my fiance took my 4yr old daughter and left me.. due to the fact she thought I was a mad scientist. When really I was just studying stuff on wikipedia on how I could add to my SSRI medication and potentially eleviate my depression by finding a research chemical that was an NDRI, therefore making a TRI (triple reuptake inhibitor). I (unfortunetly) came across MDPV.. back when it was legal. Anyway things got realllll messy after that and yeh.. that's a whole different story for another day.

So I lost the plot a bit after she left me and got stuck in a rather horrific world of rc's and bioassaying.. Eventually causing neurotoxicity and leaving me completely lost for months. After this abuse I managed to get myself clean and sober, but then the dreams started. About my ex-fiance and my daughter. They happen every night and have done ever since then.. I guess I've gotten used to them now but it's always left a thought in the back of my mind as if there's some sort of unfinished business between us and that one day we'll be together again.

Well last week every single bit of hope I had.. was crushed. I found out that she was 5wks pregnant to some dropkick jobless drug dealer. It absolutely shattered me to pieces.. now all I can think about is that bloke, who has now replaced me and is living a happy, wonderful life. It becomes totally unbearable to even think about at times and usually leads to an anxiety attack.. making me throw my guts up. I am wondering.. is there anybody else in a similar situation? Anyone who has just lost their family and cannot seem to climb over the hill and rebuild a new life and family? I thought by now I would be long over the loss of my family but man.. it just gets worse everyday. I have periods of feeling fine about it but now that I know she's starting a new family, I just cannot get it out of my head.

[IndianDreaming]

Mate, that doesn't sound very flash, I think most people would find that one hard to come to terms with. Conversing about it on here is a great step to get some advice though. Have you tried any other avenues of counselling or chatting with people face to face? Even a great mate to bitch too can do wonders to get it out of your head and give you some respite to help you relax and get yourself in order.

I can only suggest you get a good amount of sleep each night, talk with friends or maybe a councelor, eat well and keep your spirits high. Although it seems impossible when you're standing at the base of a hill - its the little steps that get you to the top.

[LikeAshesWeFade]

Yeah I have had a chat with a few councellors but when I get talking about the rc abuse, they tend to become more interested in what the fuck a research chemical is haha. Bastards! That's one thing I've found with talking to psychiatrists/psychologists and councellors. They have absolutely no idea about research chems and when you speak about them they can offer no advice lol. Which is why I had to dig myself out of that hole! Definitely keeping the chin high, gotta stay strong for the daughter.

Seeing the little one every wednesday night and every weekend is really helping, as she's such a daddy's girl, she always wants to be here with me! I would love to find a new partner and eventually start a new family but I don't want to burden anyone with my issues such as the dreams etc.. I'm kinda hoping they just eventually fade away and stay as memories. As that is one thing I'm always going to be left with, the memories of past scenes and places we went as a family.

Edited July 11, 2012 by LikeAshesWeFade

[mr b.caapi]

When a bone is broken it always heals stronger.

Sorry to hear of your dilemma man, but 6 months from now im sure you will be happy and stronger from it. look on the bright side, you still have the product of your love together. Your little girl. cherish her man, they grow up too fast.

[LikeAshesWeFade]

Too true dude! Too true! They sure do grow up fast.. its unbelievable! Thanks for that chief.

Edited July 11, 2012 by LikeAshesWeFade

[IndianDreaming]

Yeah - I can't imagine many counselors having the slightest idea about rc's! The best counselors are old hats that've been there 'n' done that. Glad you managed to get over that hump though, thats a hard one. Using your brain to change your brain always is a bit experimental and can take a bit of work to back track to where you want to be.

Dreams are really full on sometimes hey... I've found when I'm stressed or haven't been able to express myself when I'm awake I'll have wild dreams. Seems to be our boddy/minds way of flogging over the issues when they're difficult to think about whilst you're awake.

I wouldn't worry so much about burdening others with your troubles - everyone has a story, and theres plenty of fish out there that love to hear a good yarn! Sometimes getting out there and amongst it can give you the fresh perspective you've been chasing.

Sounds like you've got a lovely daughter m8 - congrats!

[LikeAshesWeFade]

Yeah I've been looking around for atleast an ex-addict, so they can relate to the hole you get stuck in. Thats a really good way of looking at it hey.. about the dreams. Its definitely as if the body is going through your thoughts while you sleep, to either deal with things or atleast review them. I've definitely gotta get out n amongst it all again and start to mingle lol oasis active just aint cuttin the cheese for me! It's full of freaks and birds with their heads lost up their ass!

Cheers bud, yeah my daughter is an angel hey.. love her to bloody bits!

[cactuscarl]

You might find out in a few months this could be a good thing to help you move on. You can't move forward while living in the past I had so much trouble getting over my ex (my first love) and constantly held out hope our paths would cross again witch almost drove me insane and stopped me wanting to meet anyone new and kept me distant when i did. The best advice i was given in your situation was keep busy or go out at least then you don't have time to think and stress for hours on end

Ps the dreams will fade over time although i must admit two years on and she is still present in one here and there but now its not depressing just kinda annoying

[IndianDreaming]

Yeah - The online dating game is a world of its own!

Do you get to festivals at all? I reckon the people at festivals are really open and embracing. There's such a huge diversity of people there that it doesn't take long to find yourself in deep conversation with someone who's on your wavelength. I also love real earthy girls, that aren't prissy or hung up on $200 bottles of wine or $700 pairs of shoes, and at festivals they're everywhere! YMMV but there's often plenty of people that've come a gutza or travelled the world a couple of times that can really get you motivated/inspired.

On the dreams thing, I read here on SAB somewhere that chinese medicine takes dreams really seriously and uses them to aid diagnoses etc... I'm a dreamer and couldn't live with out mine - I often look forward to bed to see what's going on in my life. I guess you're aware of whats bothering you though, so i can see it'd be a pain in the arse being constantly reminded while you're trying to get a good rest.

If it's your thing, check out a coupla festivals, I really like them, even if it's just to get out and about.

[Evil Genius]

Sorry to hear Ashes. This is the type of stuff that actually hurts more than the separation itself. The only right thing you can do now is to live as well and sober as you can, you know? Make something out of your life and be the man she really misses when she´s totally depressed because she´s stuck with her five kids and her methcooking husband in a trailer.

Please let us know if theres anything we can do for you or drop me a pm if your having a very bad time and dont know what to do.

[dionysus]

perhaps shrinks would better respond to the term 'designer drug' is that seems to have been what 'research chemical' replaced. i know i would preffer the ample money i spend on a doctor to go towards being treated, not explaining what 25t-nBOME is

i can't offer much specific help, but as others have said, if you need any indescriminate support feel free to drop a PM

[LikeAshesWeFade]

I definitely gotta check out some fests for sure! I not long ago went to an indie gig and my god... never seen more attractive, down to earth girls in my entire life! Chinese medicine sounds interesting for sure! Thanks for the advice EG thats the way I like to look at things.. try and be the man she misses when she's stuck with some ass muncher. She's sure as hell gone backwards with her life and will one day realise that she'll never again, find anyone with half the brain I have. You guys on here are farrr more open minded and genuine than some of my best mates. It's great to know there's people out there willing to have a chat when times are tough!

Edited July 11, 2012 by LikeAshesWeFade

[Zen Peddler]

That's one thing I've found with talking to psychiatrists/psychologists and councellors. They have absolutely no idea about research chems and when you speak about them they can offer no advice lol. Which is why I had to dig myself out of that hole! Definitely keeping the chin high, gotta stay strong for the daughter

 

The first mistake many people make when dealing with the medical profession at any level is the presumption of competance. Spend time with them and trust me you soon realise even the most highly regarded doctor or associate professor of medicine is a human just like you, prone to making judgments based on more than just measurable parameters and who rarely spend time outside work upgrading their knowledge. It is also a profession dominated by conservative thinkers. If more gastrologists had been less quick to shoot down the two researchers who first linked stomach ulcers with a specific bacterial infection in the early 80s, people might have been receiving better treatments a lot earlier. But egos delayed that until the very late 90s.

Anyway off topic. This may or may not be helpful:

Had a very bad breakup way back in 96 where my missus was banging a bloke that everyone in our group knew and everyone knew they were banging like rabbits except dopey old me for months before I found out. So when i found out my ego took a bashing. No kids involved and in hindsight the dude did me a major fucking favour although at the time I didnt see it that way at all. I fell into a depression and slept for a week then drank for two. it took me a while to get over the shock because for some reason I didnt see it coming. But the way I thought about it then it was like devastating. Looking back now it means nothing to me at all and I dont even care. So in these situations your perspective can be quite warped and may change very quickly.

But its one of many lessons ive learnt in life. We all often spend time fighting fate when we have very little control over it.

[PositiveHAL]

hey there, thanks for sharing,

i just wanted to echo what others have said, basically take a good long break from drugs (...and yes pot and alcohol are drugs), eat healthy and excercise lots, also get plenty of sleep at regular times (this will help your bodies rhythms to sync up)

As for getting back with your ex, it really sounds like she has moved on either by choice or simply by the circumstance of falling pregnant (and all the drama that will come with that) and although it might not seem like it, you may be better off distancing yourself from her, and concentrating on your own health and of course your daughter

[LikeAshesWeFade]

Thanks for that zen! I can't imagine the pain u'd go threw finding out your partner was cheating on you..

Your right aswell ND, taking a break from mind altering substances is definitely the first and the best step anyone can take! Especially alcohol! Spending time with my daughter I've found is one of the best things for me and it shows me that either way, she's gonna be there for me no matter what!

[Zen Peddler]

Thanks for that zen! I can't imagine the pain u'd go threw finding out your partner was cheating on you..

 

I had cheated on her a few times earlier on so I wasnt guiltless LOL

[LikeAshesWeFade]

ahahahahahah

[solomon]

Similar situation here bro,

well similar in that my ex is having a good time and living life to the fullest and im feeling shit and left behind. Because I fucked up things due to drugs etc if Im going to be honest.

Can't imagine how heavy it must be with your kid involved.. even more reason to be the best dad you can, hard when there is love thats not returned.

hit me up via pm if you wanna chat, im sure you can tell from this thread there are others who have been in a similar situ

peace

[incognito]

Hey man, I'd like to post a lengthy reply but with just an iPhone it's such a hassle. Seems ur in excct same possy I was in 4 yrs ago. I'll pm my no. If u wanna chat. Crisis precipitate change. I know I'm a completely different person for it, and believe I am a better father and human being as a whole. Sometimes life needs to deliver a lesson with a sledgehammer to wake you the fuk up.

Check out if there's a dads in distress group in your area, they literally saved my life.

Owning

And accepting your part in the situation you are in is the hardest part. But I believe only once you have done that will the universe award you the grace to start making changes for the better. To become someone worthy of being called Dad.

It's something I strive to do. I really think it was the past holidays that my girl REALLY trusted me again. She told me I was her best friend. But yeah not just passingly. She looked me in the eye and held my hand and said it with the purity and honesty only a 7 yr old could. Was one of those zenesque moments when two souls acknowledge their place in the universe with each other.

I felt it deeply, and I'm so lucky. A REAL best Friends. I want her to feel as if she can tell me anything, and I will always love her unconditionally. The only thing I ever ask of her is

Good manners, and people always remark on what beautiful manners she has, which I believe will help her out in life.

Now I've just got to remain worthy of that position of best friend.

*just to put into context my ex fell pregnant to the guy she left me for a month after, so I know how much it hurts. But yeah I'm no longer angry or upset. If anything that was the place I pushed her.

My ex is with a new guy now who seems like a really nice guy (phew) who is awesome to my lil girl. I'm now good mates with her and everything is traveling just peachy. So dude, as bad as things seem right now, things can get better.

Edited July 12, 2012 by incognito

[incognito]

"whenever you have children, you always have family" Gustavo Fring.

[LikeAshesWeFade]

That was a fucking awesome post dude! Seriously! To know there's someone else out there who's been through a very similar situation.. it almost provides a sense of relief, knowing that things do eventually get better. Same with you centipede.. This whole thread has shown me that not only are others in similar situations.. but that sooo many people on here genuinely care and offer some really good advice!

Edited July 12, 2012 by LikeAshesWeFade

[theuserformallyknownasd00d]

chin up ashes! two of my mates are currently going through breakups involving other guys and children. the other night the 3 of us sat around and cried like little girls (i will ad we went through 1.8ltrs scotch!), even i was bawling and i have a lovely girlfriend! the guys have been different since though, alot more positive.

until we all spoke it out, they were embarrassed imo. but when men level it down, we can move forward with a much more positive vibe knowing we arent ball-less bastards! give incog a call, itd be the beez knees and he seems like an absolute champ!

all the best brother, life goes on, and your family will grow much bigger with time!!!

d00d

Edited July 12, 2012 by thed00dabides

[LikeAshesWeFade]

Thanks for that d00d, yeah sometimes it's good to let it all out and also speak with mates in similar situation. I think the hardest part to get over is the regret.. and that this new bloke has taken my place. I'm sure with time though it'll fade away and I'll have a family of my own. In the mean time.. aslong as I've got my daughter with me, I'm a happy man!

[incognito]

thats just pride fucking with you man.

mate the regret wont end. however in hindsight, it will assist in not making the same mistakes twice.

right now your in the fire. in hindsight i see this period as true alchemy.

we can only hope that the fire burns away those shit parts of our personality that assisted in getting us into this situation.

what you dont want to do is use your child as a crutch for your pain. what your kid really wants is a dad who is happy and healthy.

di wouldnt even think about future times man, the present is all there is, there is no future.

I really think its time to concentrate on yourself, and get better. possibilitys are endless for you right now. self pity is what WILL kill you if you go down that easy path.

i hope im not coming across as to harsh, but the last thing you need right now is sympathy. empathy yes but not sympathy. sympathy will have u with a rope in ur hand tomorrow.

[sethomopod]

LAWF,

Listen to Incognito.. the man knows what he is talking about..............

I wish I had time to elaborate, but Tiger beer has something'ed something'ed something'ed me drunk like................