Mens Business Garden

[Vertmorpheus]

I had the thought the other night while shaving (bane of my life, shaving, and mowing lawns..interesting theyre so similar) that what with the high fertility of hair, and the otherwise essentially clean nature of shaving water, if you kept your hairy shave water and used it to maintain a small planting, say in a big tub or two, or a lil green patch, of plants to use for your mens business... say a selection of herbs and whatnot to make your own aftershaves (I cant put alc on my face or it nearly comes off, and get less irritation NOT using shave creams n gels, etc).. say rosemary, a bay plant, compact juniper, mints, sages, etc... maybe use your whiskerwater to grow your better smelling half some flowers... I don't suffer from any late night tv style disorders so I don't know what you grow for those, but theyd definitely be an idea if applicable.

Just a thought, seems a shame to put in that much carefully meditative effort, just to chuck all that primo nitrogen and basically clean water down the drain. What with the hairs being so short and your face hardly being a source of fecal matters, etc, sounds like itd break down fast n clean with an effect similar to say blood n bone, hoof n horn, etc. Moreso once you chuck in some of your special yellow fertiliser!

Theres that too, as Leunig suggested... men who never take a leak outside on a lemon tree lead less pleasant lives, haha. Certainly a very tranquil act.

Any suggestions? Other than never again referring to late nite tv style disorders?

VM

Edited August 5, 2008 by Vertmorpheus

[apothecary]

From "Fight Club" by Chuck Palahunik (one of my favorite parts of the book is the description of this nefariously innocent garden)...

And while I'm at work, teams of space monkeys dig up the muddy lawn around the house and cut the dirt with Epsom salts to lower the acidity, and spade in loads of free steer manure from

the stockyards and bags of hair clippings from barber shops to ward off moles and mice and

boost the protein in the soil.

At any time of the night, space monkeys from some slaughterhouse come home with bags of

blood meal to boost the iron in the soil and bone meal to boost the phosphorus.

Teams of space monkeys plant basil and thyme and lettuce and starts of witch hazel and

eucalyptus and mock orange and mint in a kaleidoscope knot pattern. A rose window in every

shade of green. And other teams go out at night and kill the slugs and snails by candlelight.

Another team of space monkeys picks only the most perfect

leaves and juniper berries to boil for a natural dye. Comfrey because it's a natural disinfectant.

Violet leaves because they cure headaches and sweet woodruff because it gives soap a cutgrass

smell.

In the kitchen are bottles of 80-proof vodka to make the translucent rose geranium and brown

sugar soap and the patchouli soap, and I steal a bottle of vodka and spend my personal burial

money on cigarettes. Marla shows up. We talk about the plants. Marla and I walk on raked

gravel paths through the kaleidoscope green patterns of the garden, drinking and smoking.

We talk about her breasts. We talk about everything except Tyler Durden.

[Vertmorpheus]

Possibly Alliums to prevent CV problems (common in men, of course), something for prostate issues perhaps. Galangal and gingers for their ... energising abilities Cucumber, asparugus crowns or nettles for their urinary tract benefits. Things to help you relax and so be a better person/dad/partner/son. Loofah vine up the fence so your skin is more baby soft and less like an old suitcase?

Maybe a gourd vine for those ceremonial penis sheaths?

And maybe grow some pineapples from crowns, if you're the thoughtful kind

VM

[Vertmorpheus]

well theres nothing new under the sun... never read the book, oddly enough as I loved the movie for sure! man has the right idea though, but sounds like the two concepts (herbs and being male) were in cohabitation rather than collusion, haha.

My head leaks like a sieve and recieves like your drunken uncles old shortwave, more n more it spreads to this place which is a strange thing but to be expected, I guess. the rest of the household has to put up with it after all, you blokes that live in the tiny box in my study might as well too.

Was trying to remember witchhazel... I don't need any kind of clarifier, if anything I need to consciously boost oils in my skin most of the time.

Rose geranium, ya might have something there

VM

[Torsten]

people who can't handle alcohol after shaving often benefit from an antibacterial herbal creme. Rosemary is definitely a good start for this and Aloe vera would help if you have a tendency for rashes.

btw, have you tried shaving gel [rather than foam]? I think it is gilette and comes in a can. The aloe vera version in particular is good. I can't use foams at all and can shave maximum every second day or my face looks like gravelrash. The aloe shaving gel is by far the gentlest and pretty much the only thing I can use - or I wouldn't as I despise gilette.

When I lived in the bush I often shaved with just aloe gel straight from the leaf. They were probably the smoothest shaves ever.

For many years I used vodka as aftershave as normal aftershaves gave me bad rashes. When I found the gel I no longer needed an aftershave for some reason.

Let me guess, you've got lots of really dense bristly hair, but very soft skin?

[Conan Troutman]

better of using an after shave cream. Its more like a moisturizer, something with Aloe, Avacado and or Wheat germ

I find the gel is much better than the foam also...

[ThunderIdeal]

i like the idea of a sex specific medicinal garden, and it could be taken further to include nutritional foods, for instance don't men require higher amounts of zinc, women iron, and there must be others. i think there are claims of flaxseed helping with prostate.

i bet my hairbrush produces more hair than my trimmer, but would it have the same male vibrational energy causing bizarre phallus-like growths? for that matter does this garden enjoy old heavy metal? dare we bring tbm's into the discussion?

i dunno, if this kind of thing can actually make certain chi available or whatever, it probably does so without using cliches, so the whisker water may not (or may) be worth saving for the mens garden.

your shaving water is clean vert but usually it would contain shaving foam?? sorbolene is said to be better than aftershave.

edit: stupid touchpad things that laptops have.... palm always touches it as i'm typing. way annoying.

Edited August 6, 2008 by ThunderIdeal

[Vertmorpheus]

Yeah anything with that germ killing potentially really helps... for a few reasons a> handling a lot of organic matter, it gets into your skin and takes up residence more easily after b> doctor feeds you horse doses of antibiotics and bird flu meds for tick poisoning and it destroys your bodies entire microherd leaving it free for the picking! Aloe can be good after the shave, any aloe product in conjunction with a blade just slops around and I end up with twice the rash eventually!

Anything with alc, iso, butane, glycol, laurel sulfate etc... anything other than cold water or a light touch of rice bran or olive oil... makes me look as if I've been rubbed with fibreglass, or something. Nasty! Ditto razors with dodgy "lubricant strips"... I need a brandnew blade, cheap as shit, warm water on my skin then cold water on the rinse.. pat dry. Always pat dry, haha.

Was thinking of having a fiddle with soap aloe (saponaria?) and maybe yucca exts sometime...get the soap, without the dope, maybe. I shave yeah bout the same, every other day tops else the leprosy kicks in haha... usually once a week really. Try to time it before we go into town, but then sometimes it helps with making shopping a lil faster.

Even ultra top qual (well, so they say) brand name "extra sensitive" whatevers just cause me trouble... i look a lil scary, when hairy, but at least its doesnt look contagious! The worst thing I ever had was from this Kenzo "shave balm" stuff... it felt on my skin how a galangal ext. feels on the tongue, kept burning for HOURS no matter what I did, even trying to shift pH etc didnt help. nasty.

Its not too prickley, pretty soft as far as face fuzz goes, but its hellishly thick as only blackfella hair can be with the scales arrayed differently, n all... and I have skin like a 16 year old... no matter how much sun or soil it gets, my hands are the same they simply never callous or harden.. or nicotine stain, for some reason. its like I got an extra serve of collagen or elastin or whatever it is. Drives my gf nuts in a backwards kinnda way. Mum's always had the same thing... lots of blackfellas n hybrids get it actually, like our skin just isnt designed to have all its oils stripped on daily basis. If I soaped all over and washed my hair with shampoo, then used aftershave... I'd literally be almsot in tears AND look like a big ball of static electricity, haha. And I cant wear mud around, ppl would worry.

Hairs the same, cant shampoo it EVER so its herbal rinses n extra hot water, etc. Cursed to be finding more pimples now then I ever had in my entire teenage phase (stands to reason, I only live mainly on organically grown veg, legumes and megalitres of water a day) AND be finding grey strands in my mop, haha.

Basically try not to be descended from most of the more sensitive-skinned but ferociously-haired mobs around the world, if you can help it! Aim for..dunno...stable and kinda inbred English.. leave the mixing welsh n wirajuri for someone elses suffering, let alone norse n nanawal haha.

VM

[devance]

My toilet isn't up to par, so I just vomit or pee into the bathtub.

I do not put toilet paper in it as could plug it up.

Probably just tree roots plugging it up.

Seems be getting better.

That shaving thing as a alcohol gave a whole generation the idea that shaving had to have a second degree burn feel with a splash of Aqua Velva for a manly feel.

That was real con job.

Bay Rum smells good and will do the same thing in a shower, but ones smells good for the love making and generic cheap and no necessary to apply such after shaving.

[ThunderIdeal]

vert as if the shape of my nose and affinity for barefoot isn't enough, you're reinforcing my belief that i must have some aboriginal blood.

"That shaving thing as a alcohol gave a whole generation the idea that shaving had to have a second degree burn feel with a splash of Aqua Velva for a manly feel."

whatever you're trying to say exactly, i think you're on the right track. it's not manly to put on a womanish product after shaving, better to burn your face off... when in fact womanish products seem to make more sense. is it really that necessary to sterilise your face after shaving? has tea tree oil been investigated? it seems to make my skin ultra itchy after many repeat uses.

[devance]

The bay rum is isopropanol and was avalaible in supermarkets.

Just thought I mention, if a rum much more expensive.

But perhaps a niche opportunity.

A great oil for sex is what the female want..

So I bought the the generic stuff for a man but the female wanted a karma sutra oil.

Both got it and was the best decision.

Who develops the best karma sutra oil is going to be a millionare.

And who best but women, interested in entheogens.

But just perfume types of oils.

Galanga maybe, frankinsense?

[apothecary]

Another desert blooder here.

Same issues with shaving/shampooing/etc that you have vert.

I use ayurvedic soap to shave my Osama-beards.

[Vertmorpheus]

Iso burns shite out of me...its a two or three pronged thing, with most commercial products even the "sensitive" ones.. first, it gets into the microabrasions in my skin, burns, inflames..which leaves a rash, even moderate..which means next shave, it takes off more of the tops of those lil bumps..gets worse..in the meantime, its dehydrating injured tissue, stripping protective oils from my skin (im the only man on earth banned by his other half from thorough daily washing, and she has a very keen nose... I smell much worse when "sanitised" ) and the various sulfates and whatnot just irritate. Stupid idea.

Aftershave for me is EXTREMELY cold water, pat dry with a VERY clean towel, and sometimes even top up with very small amount of preferably very low viscosity but high weight oil... rice bran seems ideal, avo n whatnot are just a bit too greasy, ditto sorbolone...sorbolene literally will not every properly dissolve into or onto my skin, it just slops around and looks suspicious...if it DOES go in, it dries out superfast and sheds in flakes.

Which would be cool if I was one of those constantly itchy, eczematic types allergic to everything, but I'm simply not. I just have skin like a schoolgirl, against all probability.

Shave "gel" for me is warm, just blood warm, water, preferably very soft... our water here is bullshit hard, smells like bleach..nasty. tank water rocks, dont have any at the moment..no tank, kinda would help.

Scent wise, I always have plenty of oils n whatnot on hand... usually its a spice,a sweet and a higher note..say cinnamon, ylangylang and and touch of petitgrain, or similar. Not too heavy ever, but I do tend (when scrubbed up) to get that "I want your puppies" thing from women of a certain age in shopping centres

Dunno about scents being male or female, really... i mean yes, pepper is probably male and rose female..but i dont see either as being by default more applicable to either gender (or sex). Some lovely scents turn to crap on the skin, some women suit really spicey dark scents and some guys are nicer a lil fruity. The only commercial thing I can handle smelling like is Happiness by Clinique of all things.

Ti tree isnt considered safe for repeat use on broken skin, or any internal use course people do both and get away with it.. but it has a very strong almost solvent action I guess...itll certainly get nikko out of carpet, I can tell ya that much. That and most 'ti tree' like at woolies etc is at best 15 percent oil, the rest is I guess water, iso, DMSO, whatever they need to keep it clear. When using ti tree externally or if I need a skin fixer (for me or anyone) I take good quality aloe leaves, skin em, mash the pulp with a fork, add a wee drop of ti tree or thyme, mix like hell...looks dodgy, feels icky, works amazingly well for anything from spots to grazes, nappy rash and minor burns, mozzie bites... combines many good things in one.

IME, gardens LOVE old metal, anything past about 1997 can lead them into thinking theyre growing for skater kids though, so expect minimal flowering and fruitset if you subject them to say... linkin park I'd recommend Emperor for general plant growth, and most of lifes little problems. Or Dark Tranquility if you want more even, regular growth.

Yes, my water is clean, but even a bit of shave foam if bunged in with 20 other litres of random spare fluids shouldnt hurt too much... usual rules for water recycling apply, I guess. But least theres not the fecal thing to think about, haha. Unless youre a brown noser, I sposer.

VM

[Vertmorpheus]

haha, I hadn't though of it being a genetic leftover of other bullshit cold/bullshit hot backgrounds... maybe the original law against trimming hair was simply out of the ladies not being into the shaving rash in their nomadic menfolk, lol.

Hey, but at least whenyour skin isnt flaking out and your hair achieving fro like proportions, you can in a hurry, always just pinch some skin to get squeaks out of hinges, bikes and locks!

It's ok, I've been outbred again to some very sensible Old Country blood, might level out in the next gen, though the current new batch has the same hair as me in spite of being a fair blued eyed li lthing, hair like monofilament designed by Escher.

I like to watch Message Stick.. it reminds me I dont have some kind of disorder for not having sensible fair hair and bleached looking eyes... land of the Auburn Mop It has to be restrained for the safety of others, and once again in time of need you can pop out a few long strands for tying up plants, hasty grafts, etc.

Swiss Army Features. maybe its why Macgyver stuck with the mullet so long.

When I do need an occasional abrasive scrub, I use either plain oats or that Apricot stuff in a tube... st ives? Something like that... its like sandpaper for getting dead skin and gunk out but otherwise leaves a decent amount of moisture in the skin. And you smell like a muffin afterwards.

VM

oh and you just gave me the best idea Sina but more on that later.

Edited August 6, 2008 by Vertmorpheus

[devance]

Another way of getting a million.

When ones gets older a man first growth is noses hair.

A more disturbing idea is that it begins to start in the outside of the ears.[ Just a rumor].

So the cosmetic hair remover if good would interest alot of male buyers.

Should be a easy way to dissolve hair.

Its only protein.

Women use a hair removal product on the legs.

If they can do on legs I don't see why a gentler way can't be found for the nose.

For a male it wouldn't be cosmetic but necessary as the hairs grow at a fantastic rate.

Just not on top of the head which is the problem.

[ThunderIdeal]

fantastic rate... you crack me up sometimes man.

i am told that nostril waxing (every single nose hair ripped out in one unholy move) is no more painful than plucking a single hair.

fearful and skeptical yet hopeful.

well... im gonna lubricate some things with my forehead now.

[devance]

Wish I was joking.

Once a week with scissors.

Which isn't easy, that why in the past they had big beards it replaced the hair disappearing on the scalp [one of reasons the hats were invented].

So instead of a razor. A scissor was employed. Especially when close range eyesight starts to fail in older age.

Not in vogue at the present time but thats the reason.

I can grow a dignified beard and might have to.

But a captain Nemo of the Nautilius style and might soon have to wear a captains cap.