Relationship Troubles

[divinersage]

Ok so ive been dating this girl for about a year ( i know it doesn't seem very long to you older forum heads, but at 16 it is!)

everything was going absolutely great for the first 11 months, we got on amazingly never fought about anything, the only issue i guess we had

was that we didnt get to see eachother a whole lot due to school and other commitments, but that was never a real worry for either of us it just made the time we spent together more special.

but then things changed.

one of her best friends ( also a good friend of mine ) who was a guy was really into her and she had no interest in him, but somehow this put alot of strain on our relationship and she ended up having a bit of a break-down one weekend. Things where shaky from then on no-matter how much i tried to re-assure her. A week or so after the break-down she started acting very distant and withdrawn. It seemed she didn't want to see me anymore and when i did see her she wouldn't really talk to me, i mean she talked but she didn't "talk", hope that makes sense its the only way i can derscribe it.

She then told me she wanted to go on a break, to be honest i was pretty upset and dissapointed in myself but not as bad as i would have predicted.

it was after we where on this "break" that she started to want to see me more and was alot more emotinally and "physically" open with me.

It seemed like nothing had changed and everything was back to normal. this continued for 3 more days and she said she loved me and all that, im not wanting to get to corny on you guys. I thought i had it set! i was going to ask her out the next day. That night she got very drunk at a party and got with another guy.

she said over a message that she had made a mistake and shed talk about it to me tommorow.

i saw her the next day after hearing the whole story from my best mate Pete, She never told me what happened but just out of the blue said

sorry. I wasnt sure if this was the appology i deserved, but i was desperate for her back so i forgave her and we got even closer and more "intimate" that day. I asked her out again before i left her house and she said yes. I was stoked!

Since then things had been going pretty well for atleast a fort-night. But i was very un-easy about the fact that we never really discussed our problems through that period and everytime i try to she becomes very defensive and un-willing to talk.

Last night i told her that i had tried MDMA when she asked and she got angry and refused to talk anymore.

she wouldnt reply-to/answer my phone calls or texts and im thinking this could be the final straw.

ive battled with myself almost every night trying to decide what to do but i just cant figure it out.

is it worth ending this relationship that is causing me to be overly anxious,stressed and quite frankly depressed,

or should i try and piece things together?

please dont tell me to follow my heart or just do what seems right because ive tried and i myself have no answer to this problem!

thanks for reading, especially if you read through the whole thing.

i know its probably a very juvenile thing to post about but hey i am a teenager!

Cheers, DivinerSage

[mark80]

Just follow your heart dude,

jks.

I know whats its like.

Just tell her I did mdma and i am sorry that it hurt you, if it makes you feel betetr i won't do it again.

No matter what ppl say i still beileve that even if you love someone occasionally you wnat to get something else, or if something else presents itself you wanna try out it. At 16 you think you found the one - i know i did, I used to sing love songs out the window to her (not that she would ever here them)

I don't think it really matters that she had someone else, porblems only arise if they start to develop feelings. Your porbably syaing thats not true, but when you get older you'll discover the mysterious thing called a one night stand. You'll see that you can have fun with someone for a night and the next day not have a second thought.

Abouyt her not talking to you. Just find anice quite time in your room and giver her a big hug (as she lies on your arm) and stroke her hair, spooning position works great. Than just sit silently and than just tell her that you really love her and you don't want it to end, and she should tell you what bothers her so you can try and fix it or not make the smae mistakes again.

If you do break up you'll be dpressed and anxious for a while.

But eventaully it will go away enough for you to function. Than try someone else whilst you look back at all the things you did worng and don't make them again. It will take many many tries at relationships but eventaully you will find that one that puts up with you enough to settle down.

if you give it your best and still doesn't work just tell yourself i had dman good go with her but we just weren't right time to start fishing again. Just don't loose yourself respect by chasing her.

[Fenris]

Im more than twice your age and I still know nothing about relationships but anyway Ill throw in my 2c worth.

It sounds to me like she is playing mind games, working out how much control she has in the relationship. Either that or she's having second thoughts about having a steady bf.

Do you deserve to be treated this way by someone you love? Probably not.

You are going to need to play the game better than her to stay in the game. If you come on all needy she will probably dump your ass.

Tell her you are unsettled by everything that has gone on and think it would be in your best interest to take a break to sort some stuff out. Make it all about you. If she thinks your not that into her anymore, Id place $10 on her wanting you back a lot more. If she doesn't care then her cards are on the table and you need to be happy that you didn't continue to persue someone who was busy dicking you around.

Maybe that is a bit harsh but people are strange and teenage girls take the cake. I remember when my sister was that age, what a nightmare.

Its not the end of the world whichever way this ends up, just get yourself a good hobby like plants or something

Chin up, stay strong and don't hand over your control.

That probably wasn't ever worth 2c

[naja naja]

If she ain't into MDxx, finds sum1 who is.

[faustus]

If she ain't into MDxx, finds sum1 who is.

LOL... yeah, talk about a mismatch in lifestyles. that said, i've been in very meaningful relationships with girls who didn't take any drugs at all.

[JDanger]

LOL... yeah, talk about a mismatch in lifestyles. that said, i've been in very meaningful relationships with girls who didn't take any drugs at all.

I've been in a relationship now for around 18 months now (much longer, in an on/off high-school kinda way--how cute). I had originally gotten my lady to adventure with me a few times--MDxx, trips, weed, etc. We had some wonderful experiences, but she was never really into it. These days, she does nothing of the sort (bar an occasional drink, mostly reluctantly), yet we manage to have a deep connection that manages to withstand all sorts of things, including my own substance use and her fondness of the company of other boys.

While she doesn't tend to connect physically with them (as far as I know), she gets her kicks out of their company and whatever emotional attachment/interraction happens. It mostly ends with the boys developing a crush and her slinking away like a cat. Despite her commitment to me, I still get jealous and sometimes confused, but everything is always resolved with a good and thorough discussion about what's going on, even if it takes a few days/weeks of awkwardness and emotional repression to get to it.

My point is this: be as open as you humanly can, both with yourself, and with her. If she has problems with your experimentation (and I assume you do it in the spirit of self exploration and development), find out why and then try to explain why you want to do it. If she wants to be a close-minded hoe about it, then you may have yourself a reason to move on, as long as you're convinced she's getting in the way of your development. You can't really be honest with her unless you're honest with yourself, and you can't really do that unless you know yourself in the first place.

To conclude, just talk. Spooning is also good. And assert yourself, but don't be too self important, because she also needs to see she can influence you. It's super tricky and super annoying to get the right balance, but it can happen. Trial and error, friend. And try not worrying about the other boys thing. Sometimes girls get bored. Compromise has it's place, but don't sell your soul (or BOTH your nuts) for it.

[Torsten]

The problem with MDxx [or anything else really] isn't whether both partners like it, but rather whether both can be tolerant of each others preference. Personally I couldn't see myself having a relationship with someone who can't trip - not because of the fact that it involves drugs, but rather because trippers are more aware of what goes on in their heads. So I am a bit intolerant in that respect, but that is a bit different to drugs as a lifestyle choice.

As for the rest of it, probability dictates that at 16 it is very unlikely that she is THE ONE. So try and work it out, but keep in mind that you will get more opportunities and that this is just a learning phase. Oh yeah, and never confuse drunk one night stands with love - no matter which side of it you are on

[divinersage]

thanks everbody for their input!

just to clear a few things up im no into MDxx at all just tried it once and quite frankly, im not a fan.

id rather stick to my depressants!

im not naive enough to think she "THE ONE" and i guess your all telling me variations of what ive been trying to tell myself.

im too much of a push-over and shes probably not worth the hassle/stress.

im going to call her tonight ( if she answers my calls ) and just be as open about everything as i can.

that way im hoping even it the relationship falls apart, ive done everything i could, and i guess ive learnt a whole lot from the experience.

anyway thanks again guys, ill keep you posted!

[indigo264nm]

Its a shame you don't like the MDxx and she's so against it... nothing is more pleasurable than taking MDMA with a partner and talking\cuddling for hours hehe.

I remember when I was 16 and in an intense relationship - things eventually stopped working because both of us had serious issues (she had an eating disorder and had severe depression due to undiagnosed bipolar) and we kept feeding each others problems as opposed to making them better. Long story short she broke up with me and I got my heart broken... so then I decided to work on the issues that caused the relationship to end in the first place and did my best to change myself. This intense relationship only lasted 10 months. So after a month or so I decided that I should still try and keep the best friend even though she couldn't love me back, which was very hard for a while.

We remained friends (once I was finally able to be around her without feeling miserable) and then one day down the track she told me that if she knew I was going to turn into the person that I became she probably wouldn't have left me to which my reply was "I wouldn't have become the person I am now if you hadn't left me".

If she's that mad at you for trying MDMA then she obviously can't respect certain lifestyle choices and that is definitely a big issue.

So my advice is that if things haven't worked out, especially at your age (bare in mind I'm only 20, but I realise now how much growing up occurred over those 4 years), don't cling onto it.. bite the bullet, move on, and wait until you meet somebody better who doesn't cause you such heartache. I personally couldn't forgive the person for sleeping with somebody if 'on a break' and my partner feels the same way as a break should be a period of time where you need to be alone in order to reassess the relationship as opposed to an excuse to fuck somebody else..

I found that if I wanted to pursue a path of mind expansion and self development that being single was the best way, and then when you meet somebody special its time to settle down and integrate what you've learned into your life.

Hope my advice helped and good luck with whatever course of action you choose to take.

Edited July 17, 2008 by -=IndigoSunrise=-

[planthelper]

to me it looks like she is keeping some secrets, which make her feel bad and thats why she doesn't communicate.

relationships are often push and pull, the more one tries to assert an issue the more it could push the other person away.

but if you play it cool and lay low for a while or say, "thats ok with me, call me once in a while because i treasure your friendship" than the (ex) partner is all over you...

often we carry the patterns of how our parents acted into our relationships, so if there were allways up's and downs in the family, it's possible we almost seek out turbulent relationships aswell.

an other thing is that if you want something to change in your life, the person involved has to be in a vunerable ego state at that time, change is possible only with beeing vunerable.

[incognito]

You seem extremely mature and considerate for a 16yr old male!

im prolly the last person to give relationship advice,

however-in my experience once trust is out of the relationship, (i.e the cheating) u aernt left with a great deal.

nothing to do with ur problem but love this quote from indigo, seems from what u have said u havent done anyhting wrong, but i do love this quote-

so then I decided to work on the issues that caused the relationship to end in the first place and did my best to change myself.

this is a process i am going through myself.

anyways on with ur problem-

Last night i told her that i had tried MDMA when she asked and she got angry and refused to talk anymore.

could she just be looking for things to be pissed of at u about and put u on another emotional rollercoaster?

It seemed like nothing had changed and everything was back to normal. this continued for 3 more days and she said she loved me and all that, im not wanting to get to corny on you guys. I thought i had it set! i was going to ask her out the next day. That night she got very drunk at a party and got with another guy.

i wouldnt put up with that personally. fuck that. for me trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

some hide to chastise u for trying md when shes happy to 'be' with someone else.

sorry to say this but this behavior kinda comes with the age? im thinking ur emotionally mature beyond your years. But yeah sounds like this chick is a bit of a tornado and are u prepared to ride the emotional rollercoaster?

ive battled with myself almost every night trying to decide what to do but i just cant figure it out.

is it worth ending this relationship that is causing me to be overly anxious,stressed and quite frankly depressed,

or should i try and piece things together?

oh man! ur to young to be doing this to yourself! nothings worth that, especially at 16.

sounds pretty shithouse, sounds a bit beyond repair, maybee put sometime into doing things YOU like and lookin after yourself, as you havent really highlighted where uve erred in the reltationship, she just sounds like a twisted chick!!

i guess if u were serious about resolving the issues and getting ur relationship back on track, and she was as well, u could try relationship councilling at such places as interrelate etc-

wonder if they council 16 yr old couples? its an option.

last but not least im gonna give u my old-fart advice-

ur only young man, there will probably be many more breakups, is this ur first relationship? first relationship breakups are always very very hard, if u are getting depressed, go get urself some councilling, most of all make sure u talk about it, to ur mum, dad whoever, dont bottle shit up.

download this song-

artist-puscifer song-momma sed

[divinersage]

thanks for your advice and to all others in the thread! yeah i know its a shame im not a fan of MDxx maybe its because my friends hyped it up to much and maybe it was a weak pill?

she didnt sleep with another guy but according to my best friend she was acting "promiscuos" to every guy there and ended up kissing and i dont want to know what else could have occured. sure i was angry confused and felt pretty worthless after it happened, but thanks to you guys and a few good mates im pretty over that.

update: talked to her on the phone for a while and on MSN she says shes not angry at me anymore and now that ive kind of distanced myself from her just as alot of you seasoned veterans have hypothesised she seems to want me alot more!

girls are weird lol

anyway im not really certain on what to do :S

should i just try and make it work for a while because i can?

or break it off simply because i can?

so confused

need one of these to help me decide!!

[divinersage]

sorry i was typing my response whilst you where typing yours incognito and i missed it!

ive made my fair share of mistakes in this relationship for sure! im not claiming to be perfect, ive put drugs ( is MJ really a drug? ) ahead of her plenty of times which was a big mistake but i was pretty stoned outta my mind at the time and my decision making skills where at an all time low.

and yes this is my first serious relationship, and i agree its god-damn hurtful!

its probably at about this time your regretting calling me mature for a 16 year old, feel free to rettract that statement.

anyway all you guys as a collective have made this whole ordeal a lot easier!

thanks SAB!!!!

many thanks, DivinerSage

[incognito]

lol at a bong helpin u to decide!

excuse me im like a born again.

i wouldnt keep going on with it, give it some distance, do and get involved with other things.

if she really loves u she will make it known, with the hindsight that she cant treat u like a piece of shit and still have u bathing her with attention.

U go chasing after her she will know that she can fuck with ur head as much as she wants and still have u licking at her heals like some slobbering labarador.

[Suprnova]

Hehe awww shucks,

well at 17 I dunno i'd be much in the same vote as you dude ;-D,

in the words of eminem "Bitches they come they go, saturday through monday, monday through sunday yo". I think more importantly at 16-17 it's a time of experimentation and discovery :D But in my eyes girls are from venus and boys are from mars. It's very hard if not impossible to make a true bond at this age, if anything aim for the older girlys man ;-)

pce,

[indigo264nm]

Hehe awww shucks,

well at 17 I dunno i'd be much in the same vote as you dude ;-D,

in the words of eminem "Bitches they come they go, saturday through monday, monday through sunday yo". I think more importantly at 16-17 it's a time of experimentation and discovery :D But in my eyes girls are from venus and boys are from mars. It's very hard if not impossible to make a true bond at this age, if anything aim for the older girlys man ;-)

pce,

And in the words of Jay-Z:

I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain't one.

[divinersage]

haha lol at both quotes!

we had a brief chat and i suggested just being friends and she said yes.

went over to her house today begging myself not to show any emotional attachment

but alas my will is weak! I'm thinking the only way to cut it off properly is to not see her for a while.

or shamelessly crack onto to any and every girl i come across till i totally destroy all

self-respect and my ego becomes large enough to blanket my emotions.

ennnnnnnnnnd vent.

wow that felt good!

[mark80]

self-respect and my ego becomes large enough to blanket my emotions.

the funny thing is that it will for a little while until your ego breaks which doesn't tske much.

I know i went through it. After my breack up I was a fucking stud i ad 4 girls i could ring and fuck, funny thing is one by one they fell though untill your left by yourslef, than it really hurts. You not only have to deal with your breaxck up but a brokern ego as well.

About the older girl thing, its fun the ebst sex i ever had was witha 40 year old. (i was 18) man she could fuck. But as older girls in relationships i find doesn't work that well. although i will amdit i love older women sexy thirtys, relationships just don't work for me at least. your in 2 genreations, they often expect to much commitment and you most of the time can't afford to buy them what there used to. and no matter what they say it does matter.

[indigo264nm]

haha lol at both quotes!

we had a brief chat and i suggested just being friends and she said yes.

went over to her house today begging myself not to show any emotional attachment

but alas my will is weak! I'm thinking the only way to cut it off properly is to not see her for a while.

or shamelessly crack onto to any and every girl i come across till i totally destroy all

self-respect and my ego becomes large enough to blanket my emotions.

ennnnnnnnnnd vent.

wow that felt good!

I reckon you should give it a couple of weeks before you start hanging out with her as friends... worked for me in a similar situation. It'll obviously be hard to see her but it will get easier as time progresses.

Best wishes...

[divinersage]

@mark80, haha i think my ego must have broken last night, worst sleep ive had in so long, between feeling very upset and sorry for myself i was having dreams about the situation, id wake up from them and start feeling sorry for myself again!

but even i know that wont help the situation, i think im just going to have to tough it out and ignore her for a while.

i know it may seem harsh but if i dont ill continually become re-attached.

@Indigo, yeah mate i reckon you have it spot on. Only thing i'm really worried about is when she gets involved with other guys and how much of an impact its going to have on me. I'd say im probably a pretty jealous guy so im preparing for the worst.

[mark80]

just make sure you don't turn to booze to easy your troubles, which is very easy. I used to get drunk so i could sleep peacefully.

[divinersage]

nah booze isnt really a worry as it is pretty hard for me to get my hands on, MJ is what id tend to turn too. It gets me to sleep in an instant but waking up for school, now thats a different story.

[JDanger]

nah booze isnt really a worry as it is pretty hard for me to get my hands on, MJ is what id tend to turn too.

There is very little that's not funny about that statement. Drinking at school was where it was at for me.

It's probably a bit early for your situation to have drastically improved yet, but I hope all's going as well as it could.

Peace,

[divinersage]

haha ive never really tried drinking at school. I reckon it would be way more detectable than a bit of a smoke.

the situation is going ok ive come to terms with it, for now lol.

probably a blessing and a curse but it seems like im re-lapsing with glandjular fever which caused me to miss out on alot of school earlier in the year

and if i miss any more school this semester ive been told the only solution is to repeat year 11! mass bummer.

probably just going to goto my classes anyway and infect the whole school!

but anyway like i said a blessing and a curse, its extremely worrying for me but its taking the worry off her so its not all bad.

haha maybe i should just make a thread dedicated to the problems in my life and get SAB forumers to help me out with advice!

its awfully tempting but i wouldn't want to bring down the mood.

[indigo264nm]

Be sure to take care of yourself if you've got glandular fever...

I got glandular fever at the beginning of year 11, followed by CMV (virus with very similar symptoms) and I was unaware I had either of em until I'd already run myself into the ground by only sleeping a couple hours a night or not at all. My immune system went to shit and was constantly getting sinus infections and bronchitis (which my chronic bong habit wasn't helping) and eventually had to leave school because I was in such bad shape and needed some rest.

Took me years till the chronic fatigue started getting better.