Jokes for the very stressed.

[devance]

I learned this one from Letterman.

He was coughing.

And then coughed some more after a station break.

Then brought up his hand to his mouth and taken away and when he opened his hand, there was a live canary.

Bird flu.

[xShiva.spacetechnology]

am i ment to laugh? because im not going to.

[devance]

I guess one have see a nightclub act to enjoy it.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/arti...in_page_id=1965

Perhaps I have humor thats not very well expressed.

'n the 1895 book, the human race has evolved into two distinct species, the highly intelligent and wealthy Eloi and the frightening, animalistic Morlock who are destined to work underground to keep the Eloi happy.'

[xShiva.spacetechnology]

Letterman and his fans are that subhuman species!

[mu!]

Letterman rocks.

Back to you Dave!

Thanks Alan!

Whats not to laugh about? its riotous

[Sparkster]

Letterman and his fans are that subhuman species!

I like Letterman.

Leno on the other hand....

[chilli]

Perhaps I have humor thats not very well expressed.

Haha, I feel your pain bro!

Has anyone seen when the Vines smash up the set on Letterman's show? It was cool, and Dave was all casual and just cracked up. The audience seems to love it. Paulie looked a bit disturbed though... the drummer of the band has the funniest reaction by far!

Here it is on youtube:

 

Yeah, rock'n'roll babaay!

Edited October 28, 2007 by IllegalBrain

[incognito]

best joke i ever heard after 10 years as a barman....

KNOCK KNOCK?

whos there?

INTERUPTING COW

interupting co-

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

its all in thedelivery, and this guy really had the head for it, and really caught me off guard, and i near had an epileptic fit i was laughingso hard. none of the other barstaff thought it was very funny.

[blangschpeer]

Heard about the suicide bomber love doll?

Apparently it blows itself up

[The Dude]

Heard about the suicide bomber love doll?

Apparently it blows itself up

cuz im slow and that took me about 3 re-takes to get this joke is awesome, and cuz its so politically incorrect.

[Jonny Deformed]

what is the difference between a acne and a catholic priest?

Acne doesn't come on kids faces before puberty...

*drumfill

[Legba]

A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!!

A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?"

"No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs".

"But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?"

"No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs".

"But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs.

After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?"

"No" replies the old man, "I am God."

"But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber,

"Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!"

"You look tired my son" said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?"

"Oh yes" replied the bomber "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you".

The bomber sits down and God says

"You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?"

"Oh yes please" replies the bomber "I am most thirsty, thank you".

With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts

"Oi, Mohammed, two coffees over here... and make it perfect this time!"

[Psiloman]

I have a joke ,but its not for the easily offended, so if you are "religiously sensitive" please dont read Further.

--------------------------

Jesus after seeing where world is heading comes back to Earth ,United States of America taking with him all his Apostles.

"My children,my beloved students, we have gathered here to save the youth! I have heard that there are some substances that plague the healthy living of children.They are killing many of them....What are they?"

Paul steps up "They are called Drugs,beloved Jesus"

Jesus says "Please ,all of you,go to every corner of the Earth and bring to me those vile poisons so we can see them ,and then decide what we can do about them.THINK OF THE CHILDREN!"

So the Apostles leave and start returning after 2-3 weeks...

Knock Knock!

"Who is it?" Says Jesus

"Its Paul my lord, and i bring 6 kilos of Afghani opium"

"So this is the vile poison opium!!!! Put it on the table ,Paul" says Jesus

Knock Knock!

"Who is it?" Says Jesus

"Its Peter! Im bringing 5 kilos of Cannabis,My Saviour!"

"Ah another poison! On the table!"

Knock Knock!

"Who is it?" Says Jesus!

"Its Matthew!!! Oh Lord, you should see this ,i brink 3000 tablets of Extacy and 50 sheets of acid!"

"Oh Matthew! On the table,this destroys the youths brains!"

Knock Knock!

"Who is it?" Says Jesus"

"Its Judas, OPEN UP, ITS THE DEA WITH ME!"

[devance]

A Christmas festival.

a book yhat can give on giving.

http://rs273cg.rapidshare.com/files/779392...vival.Guide.rar

'K. Circulation

It would be inaccurate to say that zomhies have no heart. It would not

he inaccurate, however, to say that they find no use for it. The circulatory

system of the undead is little more than a network of useless tubes

filled with congealed hlood. The same applies to the lymphatic system

as well as all other bodily fluids. Although this mutation would appear

to give the undead one more advantage over humanity, it has actually

proved to he a godsend. The lack of fluid mass prevents easy transmission

of the virus. Were this not true, hand-to-hand combat would

he nearly impossible, as the defending human would almost certainly

he splattered with hlood andlor other fluids.

L. Reproduction

Zombies are sterile creatures. Their sexual organs are necrotic and

impotent. Attempts have been made to fertilize zombie eggs with

The Zombie Sunrival Guide 13

human sperm and vice versa. None has been succcssful. The undead

have also shown no signs of sexual desire, either for their own

species or for the living. Until research can prove otherwise, humanity's

greatest fear-the dead reproducing the dead-is a comforting

impossibility.:

Not for the timid but perhaps a happy christmax gift for the more irritable than myself.

[devance]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_Legend

Just as well.

The Last Man on Earth

Main article: The Last Man on Earth (1964 film)

In 1964, Vincent Price starred as Dr. Robert Morgan (rather than "Neville") in The Last Man on Earth (the original title of this Italian production was L'Ultimo Uomo Della Terra). Matheson wrote the screenplay for this adaptation, but later rewrites were changed because he did not wish his name to appear in the credits; as a result, Matheson is credited under the pseudonym "Logan Swanson

Synopsis

In the year 1968, every day is the same for Dr. Robert Morgan (Vincent Price). He wakes up, gathers his weapons and then literally goes vampire hunting. Morgan lives in a world where everyone else has been infected by a new disease that turns them into vampire-like creatures. They cannot stand sunlight, fear mirrors, and are repelled by garlic. They would kill Morgan if they could, but fortunately, they are weak and not too smart. At night, Morgan locks himself inside his house listening to jazz on the hi-fi, and in the morning, he kills as many vampires as he can, destroying the bodies.

Morgan's psychological disposition is a significant element in the movie, and his struggles with despair imbue the character with intensity and gravitas. He is an ordinary, flawed man trying to deal with an extraordinary catastrophe. It also explores the loneliness of being by himself, excitement and hope of finding others, and disappointment over still finding himself alone.

Flashbacks are used to explain how his daughter succumbed to the plague, and then his wife. Instead of taking his wife to the same public burn pit used to dispose of his daughter's corpse, Morgan buried his wife without the knowledge of the authorities. Morgan becomes aware of the need to kill the plague victims with a wooden stake when his wife returns to his home and attacks.

Much of the story is devoted to Morgan's struggles to understand the plague that has infected everyone around him, and the movie details the progress of his discoveries. He offers scientific basis for such symptoms as aversion to garlic, craving of fresh blood, and resistance to bullets but vulnerability to stakes and sunlight. The aversion to mirrors and crosses is classified as psychological. This represents one of the first attempts in popular culture to explain vampirism scientifically, something that has become more common in vampire stories since. Morgan hypothesizes that he is immune to the bacteria because he was bitten by an infected vampire bat when he was stationed in Panama, which introduced diluted plague into his blood.

One day, a dog appears in the neighborhood. Morgan chases after the dog but does not catch it. Some time later, the dog appears wounded at Morgan's doorstep. Morgan takes the dog into his home and treats its wounds, looking forward to enjoying the company of his new companion. He quickly discovers that it too has become infected with the plague. Morgan is later seen burying the dog, which he has impaled with a wooden stake.

While out on his daily activities, Morgan spots a woman in the distance. Ruth is terrified of Morgan at first sight, and runs from him. Morgan convinces her to return to his home. (In an apparent conflict with this earlier scene, Ruth later comments that he dragged her back to his house). Morgan is suspicious of her true nature. Ruth becomes ill when Morgan waves garlic in her face, but claims that she has a weak stomach.

Morgan's suspicion that Ruth is infected is confirmed when he discovers her attempting to inject herself with a combination of blood and vaccine that holds the disease at bay. Ruth then tells him that she is part of a group of people like her--infected but under treatment--and was sent to spy on Morgan. The vaccine allows the people to function normally with the drug in the bloodstream, but once it wears off, the virus begins to take over the body again. Ruth explains that her people know more about the disease than Morgan, have developed the vaccine, and are planning to rebuild society as they destroy the remaining vampires.

Ruth's people are afraid of Morgan because they do not know who he is or how he is able to stay immune to the disease without vaccination. To them, he is a super-human which is why he is a legend among them, he is shrouded in mystery. He is dangerous to them as he is the only normal human that is not affected by the disease. They do not know how he is able to walk in the daylight and kill the vampires at no danger of getting sick.

While Ruth is unconscious, Morgan transfuses his own blood into Ruth. She is immediately cured, and Morgan sees hope that he and Ruth can cure the rest of her people. However, now that night has fallen, Ruth's people attack. Ruth initially draws a gun on Morgan, but surrenders it to him. Morgan takes the gun and flees his home while the attackers slay the vampires gathered around Morgan's home.

Ruth's people spot Morgan and chase him. He exchanges gunfire with them, and picks up tear gas grenades from an armory along the way. While the tear gas slows his pursuers somewhat, Morgan is wounded by gunfire and retreats into a church. Despite Ruth's protests to let Morgan live, he is finally impaled on the altar by a spear thrown by one of Ruth's people. With his dying breaths, Morgan makes a dramatic exit with the quote, "Freaks! You're all Freaks!" and declares that he was the last true man on earth.

[edit] Differences from the Novel

The protagonist of the novel is named Robert Neville, not Robert Morgan. The movie also changed Neville/Morgan's profession from plant worker to medical researcher, perhaps in order to account for his knowledge of the disease's nature later in the movie. This change has also been maintained in the subsequent adaptations of the novel starring Charlton Heston (The Omega Man) and Will Smith (I Am Legend).

The novel implied that the vampire plague resulted from environmental destruction resulting from nuclear wars. The origin of the disease was not explained in Last Man on Earth, and was altered in the subsequent adaptations.

[edit] Cast

* Vincent Price as Dr. Robert Morgan

* Franca Bettoia as Ruth Collins, an infected individual

* Emma Danieli as Virginia Morgan, the deceased wife of Robert Morgan

* Giacomo Rossi-Stuart as Ben Cortman

* Umberto Raho as Dr. Mercer

* Christi Courtland as Kathy Morgan

* Antonio Corevi as the Governor

* Ettore Ribotta as the TV Reporter

* Rolando De Rossi

* Carolyn De Fonseca dubbed for Ruth Collins' voice in the English release of the film. She was uncredited.

* Giuseppe Mattei as the leader of the survivors. He was also uncred

New Years days coming up.

http://games.katz.cd/download/1661666/Game...ificial-Girl-2/

'The player assumes the role of a young male on an island, populated with a number of idyllic locations typical to the genre (such as the beach, a hot spring, a school, a lab/office, a temple, and a castle's church and dungeon.) Accompanying the player is a cute girl, who provides a number of different social and increasingly erotic actions for the player.'

I assume that not necessary.