Jokes Thread

[Legba]

A drunk man, who smelled like beer, sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked. "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living; being with cheap, wicked women; too much alcohol; contempt for your fellow man; sleeping around with prostitutes; and lack of bathing."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does...".

[devance]

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don�t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck�n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don�t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn�t help mutter, "Oh fuck�" The priest said, "That�s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".

'One day a nun got into a cab. The cab driver, noticing she was a nun, and asked her if she would ever have sex. After she had thought about it for a while she said "Well, yeah I would have sex with a man if he had never been married, did not have any kids and went to church every Sunday." So the cab driver said "What do you know, I don't have any kids, never been married and I go to church every Sunday!" So he asked her if she would have sex with him and she agreed as long as he would take her from behind. So they had sex and afterward the cab driver said "Ha ha, I have six kids, I've been married three times and I've never been to church a day in my life!!" And the nun pulled off her mask and said "Ha ha, I'm a man going to a costume party!"'

There a old one of when God created Adam and Eve.

Adam said how come I have a penis and God said its easier to pee.

Eve said its not easier to pee and God said but more fun.

[devance]

'President Bush said Tuesday the nation's troubled financial system is "basically sound" and urged lawmakers to quickly enact legislation to prop up mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. He also called on the Democratic-run Congress to follow his example and lift a ban on offshore drilling to help increase domestic oil production"

Thats the best joke.

[rahli]

Never wear a seal hat to seaworld

[Yawning Man]

hahahaha ^^^^ rahli that is classic. Have you ever seen takeshi's castle? Great show, funny as hell!

[rahli]

hahahaha ^^^^ rahli that is classic. Have you ever seen takeshi's castle? Great show, funny as hell!

Thats what you get for ripping the piss out of baby seals (they don't go clubbing).

No I have't seen it but I trust that anything dragged into this world by Beat Takeshi would be worth a watch.

Edited July 19, 2008 by rahli

[paradox]

heard this one the other day, funniest one i've heard in ages.....well i thought so anyway.

sorry to any girls reading...it's a little bit wrong

what smells worse than an anchovie?

an anchovies cunt!

[faustus]

one for the men:

Q: why do women have orgasms?

A: so they can have one more thing to moan about.

and one for the women:

Q: why does it take 300 million sperm to fertilise one egg?

A: because they refuse to stop and ask for directions

[Legba]

Six retired blokes are playing poker at George's house when Burt loses $1000 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

George asks, "Who's going to go and tell his wife?"

They cut the pack, lowest card loses. Harry draws a two and loses. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, and not to make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet - discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me," he says.

He goes over to Burt's house and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Harry answers, "Your husband just lost $1000 and is afraid to come home. He's has asked me to come and apologise."

"You tell him I said drop dead!" says the wife.

"Ok, I'll go tell him," says Harry.

[devance]

A auss bought a new home in the U.S. in Montana.

He asks the sheriff if theres any trouble around to worry about.

The sheriff says, not at all your next house is 7 miles away.

And they don't like company.

Later in the day, a guy shows up from the next house saying theres going to be party.

He says theres going to be drugs.

Wild sex.

Gambling.

And bad fight or too.

The Aus says Ok.

But what should I wear.

The U.S. guy says anything you want to theres only going me there.

[Legba]

A couple celebrate their 50th anniversary. The wife was asked if they had many arguments over that time. "Yes, only once I remember..." the wife says.

"We were riding a horse cart home from the wedding when a horse suddenly stumbled. My husband said that's one. After a mile or two, the horse stumbled again. My husband said that's two, then took a rifle out and shot the horse. I started to scream and yelled, 'why the hell did he have to shoot such a nice horse?' My husband said that's one..."

[Torsten]

Mundi, legba and genesis, your jokes are clearly racist and we don't condone racism here even if disguised as humour.

Legba, I am surprised - your joke would have been just as funny and entirely non-racist if you had not specified the race. makes me wonder why you bothered putting that in there.

All racist and sexist jokes will be deleted. I'll be a bit more lenient on sexist jokes if you keep them balanced like twix did.

[Chiral]

A woman finds herself unable to get pregnant..so she see's her GP and the GP say's ok take these 3 ball bearings when you get home with a cup of tea and everything will be ok.

So the woman does and resumes her life as per normal.

15 yrs later her 13yr old son comes running into the kitchen shouting MOM...MOM...MOM...!!! what she says whats the matter..? son replies..I was takin a whizz and a ball bearing fell out of my doodle..!

Heheheh the mother chuckles..its allright son never mind it wont happen again, now run along and play outside. Ok mom..child skips off content to play.

Next week Mother is watching TV and her peace is disturbed by her 14 yr old son running into the lounge screaming MOM..MOM..MOM..!...what is it she says to him..? I was takin a whizz and a ball bearing fell out of my doodle..!

Heheheh the mother chuckles..its allright son never mind it wont happen again, now run along and play outside. Ok mom..child skips off content to play.

the following day her 15 yr old son comes running into the Den squealing mummy mummy mummy....hehehe the mother chuckles...yes yes I know you where doing a whizz and a ball bearing fell out of your doodle...

NO NO NO....not at all...Mummy I was having a wank and I think I've shot the cat...!

H.

[devance]

x

Edited December 27, 2008 by devance

[devance]

Two archeologists were on a dig in a remote South American jungle site under a newly uncovered pyrimid.

As removing one block of solid stone they saw that it contained metal and glass originating from much longer the civilization they were exploring.

The Scotsman was tired an left the careful chipping to his Australian partner.

In the morning the scotsman was awoken by a cry.

His Australian comrade shouting' Its nothing but a lousy Auss empty aluminum beer can that somehow became embedded in lava. We will never be famous.''.

Calming his partner down and getting him to rest the scotsman started to carefully excavate around the remaining glass showing..

Suddenly the Auss heard a great cry and jumping up saw the scotsman holding a excavated Scotch whiskey bottle.

The Auss says, 'Isn't this great we have discovered evidence of time travel'.

Weeping the scotsman says, 'But the bottle is empty".

The Auss said"What did you excpect after drinking my last beer?'

Edited December 27, 2008 by devance

[Legba]

David received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was

fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive.

Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to improve the parrot's attitude and was

constantly saying polite words, playing soft music,

anything he could think of to try and set a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled

back. He shook the bird and the bird just became more angry

and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David

shoved the parrot into the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and

scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for

half a minute.

David became frightened that he might have hurt the bird

and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly

stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I do

believe I may have offended you with my rude language

and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my

behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your

forgiveness."

David was astonished at the parrot's change in attitude

and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change

when the parrot continued,

“May I ask what the turkey did?"

[J Smith]

Two fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.

Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!”

[Legba]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to

put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the

mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had

nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye

contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to

my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against

it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;

they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and

solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[PD.]

The coroner just released the findings on Jett Travoltas death, apparently he had a Saturday night fever which prevented him from AH AH AH AH stayin alive, stayin alive.

[farmeroz]

Nice one PD.

[Sassy]

Here's one for the kiddies,

Why are turds rounded at each end ?

So your ass doesn't slam shut.

And , one for the ladies .

How many lesbians does it take to change a lightglobe ?

Don't even joke about it .

[gromit]

my favourite joke of all time

you've probably heard it, but for those who haven't;

I went to the zoo the other day.. and the only animal they had there was a dog...

It was a Shitzu.

[indigo264nm]

Hadn't been told a joke by somebody in ages and a mate called me up today for a chat and told me one so I figured I'd post it... Its pretty terrible but IMHO that tends to make jokes funnier .

----

A guy goes out to a carnival with his mate, and amongst the festivities he notices a fortune telling tent and decides to check it out - his mate waits outside. So he sits down, pays the lady some money, and she reaches for the deck of tarot cards. She pauses, closes her eyes and tunes into the spirit world, shuffles the cards and puts three cards face down.

She flips over the first one. Pauses, and says "hmm interesting.... it appears that you will have a very intense romantic relationship this year which will begin to unfold within the next month". The man is satisified and asks her to flip the next card.

So she flips over the second one, and once again pauses and says "You will not be very financially well off this year, but at the same time you will gain an appreciation for money and how to manage it". The man is once again satisfied with that answer and asks her to continue.

So she flips over the third card, and this time instead a huge smile appears on her face. She begins laughing hysterically. The man demands an answer, but she refuses can keeps laughing. He starts to get irritated and once again demands to know what the card means, but she just ignores him and continues laughing.

So the man gets fed up, punches her in the face and walks out.

His friend greets him and asks what the outcome of it all was.....

...The man replied:

"I got to strike a happy medium".