SAB family advice needed

[nut]

Having been about as happy as I have ever been recently i thought something had to come along and make life interesting again and it has. Someone iam very close to has just told me they, with much information missing that they are possibly terminally ill. She has had a cough for at least a month which has been getting progressively worse. She has been making jokes about it being a cat allergie and that she was prob going to die from it before I get back to see her midyear, often due to the fact I would tell her to see a doctor. Well three days ago what started out as me thinking she was joking again was a conversation that ended with her telling me she went to the doctor end of January and she has a problem with her lungs. She refuses to tell me what the details are and if I insist she gets upset and angry. She says she has been advised to quit work and go back to live with her mum. So doing what comes natural i go on an alcohol and then some bender which I havnt in months and by last night she is trying to console me(a failure on my part considering the situation) but still won't tell how she is sick and when asked when she will

get better becam very upset. How do I deal with this? I feel I need to know the specifics, that it's unfair she won't be honest with me but I also feel iam not supporting her by not respecting her wishes and the way in which she wants to deal with it. this all has totally pulled the rug from under me, I can see she is doing her best to go on with her life as usual but said last night she will leave work soon. She did say I should just get on with my life and leave her to deal with things, I said I wouldn't and her relief was visible. She has told me only her family and myself know this, she has told no friends. How the fuck do I deal with this. I feel a bit strange posting this and it's not exactly chill but I'm on here everyday and respect the people's views here immensely. I don't even want to add this but iam some what concerned about my own mental state and have to seriously perform at uni this year with 0 fuck ups. Damn I feel selfish for having to think that way.....

[Idon'tstudydinosaurs]

Woah man, heavy stuff, I feel for you.

Take a break from uni, that will be detrimental to your outcomes, and you won't need the extra stress.

Give her space but at the same time show her that you're there for her.

Stay postive, I know it may be a long shot but people have recovered from what doctors call terminal many times. It is rare, but it does happen.

Sending you positive vibes.

[Anodyne]

I went through something like your friend I think... got some bad news re: my health and responded by totally withdrawing, don't want to talk/think about it, don't want to be a burden on my friends/family. Eventually you reach a point where you just accept that your life is different now, that maybe you can't eat the foods you used to, or go on hikes, or maybe those 10-year plans start to seem a bit optimistic. And maybe, just maybe, you will need some help. This can take a while, so be patient. In my case, I'm very independent & very stubborn so I waited a long time, until I physically couldn't take care of myself before asking for help. But most people aren't as stupid as me about this stuff. I would just let your friend know that you're there, you're not going anywhere, and that it's ok to ask you for help. If that goes down ok, maybe point out that you could help a bit better if you knew the full story - that she doesn't need to worry about upsetting you with bad news - it can't be worse than what you've imagined! But do also remember & respect the fact that this is probably a lot for her to take in, and it might be easier if she doesn't have to spend all her time thinking & talking about it, and can just digest the news in small pieces, at her own pace.

You obviously care a lot for her, and I hope that she accepts your help & support. Even if she keeps it from everyone else, it's important to have at least one person who you can be honest with. Just one person who, when they ask "are you okay?", you feel comfortable saying "no, I'm really not". If you do go through this with her, remember that you will need to support each other - it can't only go one way. This will be hard for you both, and you need to be able to rely on her to help you when you need it as well. You might shrink from putting any extra burdens on her, but just remember that this is probably the same thing that's keeping her from confiding in you right now. If you don't think this can work, then maybe you'll be better off stepping back & letting her family take over. Or at the very least, make sure you have someone else that you can turn to if things get tough - a friend or a psychologist or a drinking buddy or an online support group or whatever - just keep in mind that you will probably need some kind of support too. You're not being selfish for considering your own needs - if you're not coping, then you can't help her either - so it's in both your interests really.

You don't need to put your life on hold to help her, but if you're not going to be able to focus on uni work anyway, then just defer & spend the year doing something less demanding. Uni admin should be fine with that.

Best wishes to you both.

[Getafix]

Don't quit uni if you feel you can deal with it and her/your situation at the same time.

Maybe quitting uni will make her feel even worse about telling you as she see's the impact on your life even though you know that impact is insignificant compared to what is impacting her life.

Spend every free minute with her and assess your uni situation down the line when you really understand the scope of where her health is at.

Just be available emotionally.... always

I have been there.

Getafix

[Evil Genius]

Very sorry to hear that. Quitting Uni is something that might stay forever so try as long as possible to keep it up. Besides that, I am hardly in the position to give any advice because I dont know what the underlying disease is. You know, I feel like you should keep asking until you get a definite answer to the question what the actual health problem is. So yeah, try to get an answer about what disease it is. There are countless Lung Diseases, like COPD, Tuberculosis, Morbus Wegener and and and. So yeah, I am a positive person and maybe it´s not what you think it is so try to tell her how difficult this situation is for you and ask her as friendly as possible to let you know what you are up to. If you are really close to her, it affects your life as well and I feel like there is nothing that good friends or family can´t talk about.

Edited February 27, 2015 by Evil Genius

[watertrade]

I don't know how to deal with stuff like this very well but with the uni it's important that you let them know what is going on. the gp at the uni would be a good place to start. They also may refer you on to other support services at the uni which i would recommend. It's important to get support before things start going wrong. especially if you want to have a good academic record. If you want to help your friend with whatever issues she may have (& it might not be as by bad as you think) you will need to have your head together. Census date is coming up so you may need to decide what you want to do with uni pretty soon too.

I had a friend who was told pretty much the same thing by her gp while at uni, she was getting sick quite often. It turned out she wasn't coping very well with the lifestyle we had chosen and she didn't feel comfortable telling us that we were part of the problem. It was a fair call though.

Good luck

[nut]

Thank you all, I really appreciate the input. A lot. I will try the business as usual thing for the moment. Uni i hope will be a needed diversion but I think it's possible I might go part time. I've never been a part of any other online community and over the last 5 odd years have looked to this place for information, entertainment and advice often on a daily basis. This place is amazing. Thank you again.