Jokes.

[Legba]

This Maori fulla goes to the doctor and tells him "I got a cun' o' a headache, ay". The doctor runs some tests and tells him he's gonna have ta remove his balls. The maori says "no way, bro" and walks out. 3 weeks later the headache is so bad that he decides to get the op. To cheer himself up after the op. he decides to go for a holiday to aussie. To build up some self esteem, he goes out 'n' buys some calvin cline briefs, an armani suit and some crocodile shoes. he goes back to nz where he sees an old mate. "hey bro, check out my new look,eh. croc shoes, armani suit, ck briefs...". His mate says "hey cuz, you can't wear briefs. us maoris have bigger balls than the average fulla. they'll give u a cun' o' a headache..."

[wandjina]

I'd post 'How to argue with cocky little boys', but won't waste my breath.

[2b]

Marriage! (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,

he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't

expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table

unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,

fishing, boozing and card playing when I want with my old mates and don't

you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there

will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...

whether you're here or not."

Marriage! (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding

anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage! (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and

storms out of the house. After some time he realises he was nasty and

decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many

rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the

phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage! (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so

proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite

of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS Time to go home

and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Marriage! (Part V) THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each

other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realised that the next day he would need his wife to wake

him at 5:00am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the

first to break

the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at

5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had

missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't

wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,

"It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[wandjina]

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but how the hell do they get in there?

What do you call a female peacock?

A peacunt.

What happened to the dyslexic devil-worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

Blonde Joke:

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a club in the suburbs. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mate! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!''

[wandjina]

just heard this one and had to share:

A guy walks into a pub, walks over to the bar and asks for a beer.

"'scuse me mate," says the barman,

"It's none of my business, but did you know that there's a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?"

"Yeah" he replies, "It's driving me nuts."

[incognito]

corny, but this joke cracked me up hardcore when i met cid,,think its all in the telling,,actually this joke sucks

Q:Knock knock

A:whos there?

Q:interupting cow

A:interupting cow wh--A:moooooo!!!

u gotta get behind it to make it work but fuck it cracks me up,gota intereupt their "whos there"

and drum them up a fiendish sounding moo,

call me weird,id hafta agree!!!!

cheers

jono :cool:

[incognito]

posted that crap joke twice..sorry,,

can just feel those tomatoes being pelted!!!lol

[ 02. June 2005, 08:43: Message edited by: jono ]

[wandjina]

i like it! (with big kev intonation)

[Agamemnon]

Q. Why does Michael Jackson now like 28 year olds?

A. Because there's twenty of them.

Did you hear about the sign that's been put up out the front of the beauty parlour where Chapelle Corby works?

It says "back in twenty"

[2b]

Thought i'd speed things up by just posting the link to the jpg:

here it is.

[ 24. June 2005, 07:15: Message edited by: 2b ]

[2b]

 

quote:

---

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

 

Today, there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.

 

This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

---

[2b]

 

quote:

---

Speaking English

 

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

 

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

 

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

 

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

 

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

 

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

 

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

 

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was

 

time to present the present.

 

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

 

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

 

10) I did not object to the object.

 

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

 

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

 

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

 

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

 

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

 

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

 

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

 

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

 

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

 

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

 

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

 

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

 

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in

 

pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in

 

France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are

 

meat. We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and

 

a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

 

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

 

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

 

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

 

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

 

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

 

People recite at a play and play at a recital?

 

Ship cargo by truck and send cargo by ship?

 

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

 

Your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

 

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

 

Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

 

And if a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

---

[2b]

 

quote:

---

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?" His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!

 

Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a down-load from my hard drive.

 

As soon as I was ready to up-load, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.

 

Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorised program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

 

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'!"

---

[2b]

 

quote:

---

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem in that he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.

 

However, he knew of an experiment treatment that might work if he werewilling to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis.

 

The man thought about if for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

 

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

 

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

 

With his eyes watering, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my arse!..."

---