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Death as an Ally

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Have you had those moments, after a loss or something where life shifts quite dramatically that you want to share?


Lately, I've even had to set up my own 'Life Output Plant Box'. Slowly flowing things through it. Some of my Brahmi plants going to a 'Grow Free' box. Acacia's. When I'm struggling for sleep, I've been turning to midnight propagation of Delosperma's, Lobelia's. Salvia elegans etc - Plant's I've known and Loved going to new homes. Milly seed going out. Compiling up my experiences when life was a science experiment in life to try and help others.


Through Death, I've had these transcendent, hearty, connecting wholesome pretty 'endogenous' spiritual experiences that have sanctified life for me and given me some momentum and faith and passion and most import, love and empathy, caring more about what's important. It's slow to undo rigidity but it's a positive step. New lenses for how to live my life through expanding Heart. Love. Gratitude. Compassion. Passion, Contribution. Non-judgemental connection. In a step by step way.


Love was previously a shallow biological/psychological construct. Now it's the Divine Spiritual essence organising the Universe. I have respect for life that is quite profound. I want to do something with mine, at least keep growing positively. Not waste away without making more beneficial differences. I accept journeys of transformation etc, not so resonant with pathology constructs anymore. I see life as a journey of hard times, good times, growth through positive experiences, profound ones as well as pain, so much of life is about transformation, life is about alchemising the darkness that holds you back so you can be the best you, and learning. I see a natural healing 'emergence' that often unfolds, if we get out of the way.


I feel inspired to not be so half-hearted in my efforts, to put aside negativity, to push myself forward into hearty-expansive connecting community growth, take some healthy steps to explore new life experiences, treat myself gently with love and compassion, do the same to others, be gentle and loving and uplifting with words, even considering one day it would be nice to get some more education in mental health etc or something small so that I can guide people through these experiences compassionately.


It's compelled me to not isolate myself as ill and unworthy of friends etc, unworthy of people's time etc, I've seen a silver lining to feeling like life was always downward spirals, it's put me back into self-empowerment to make loving choices, stopped me thinking my voice is not worthy of talking to people etc, that I have nothing worth contributing to people's lives, to the community, to put loving presence and attention more into people, amplifying listening to people, connecting with people, finding out more about people, supporting their journey, learning - Life and Nature has taken on this Sacredness to me etc. Playing small in the world... not living a life that bringing any meaning, purpose or satisfaction.


I've found passion, adopted more open-hearted receptivity to people whereas before I had walls that blocked me in the flow of ever opening to someone. I was full forward, analysing, rigid etc Yang into life without receiving other's worlds, with ego-concepts of love, little deep gratitude, little humility etc - illness can leave you really fragmented and energetically offline.


I've made space to care about a You, as you are. Not to fix people, just compassionately love and encourage and support.


Found holiness, divinity in the simplest of things

Edited by Alchemica
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Hey Alchemica, first up i enjoy reading your well thought out and put together posts.  Thankyou.

Slighty off centre to your topic maybe and i ramble but here goes.  

I had until recently been studying nursing and i work in the hospital system.  Through years of learning and thinking about the body as a machine (and maybe the death of mum ) I gradually, insideously dissassociated from my previous beliefs.   I began to be very 2 dimensional about life seeing it only through a biomedical prism.  This culminated in me having thoughts about death and the hopelessness of exsistence almost constantly, like every minute or two, this went on for many months, maybe a year.  Constantly thinking im about to die.  

Before going to work the shutters would come down, i would feel like an army guy about to jump out of the trench ( knowing im fucked ).  Sometimes id have to stop driving to work and just sit for a time because i was so upset and so anxious.  

The night before things changed i remember lying in bed remembering when i was happiest.  Noticing that i had no belief system anymore where i once did.  My reality so fucking bleak.

The next morning my 3 yo son Joe and I found a dead Grey Goshawk out front of the house.  If you've never seen one they are pure white (grey ???) a truely stunning bird.  They're nearly extinct with only 120 pairs left.  Devastating!

Joe and I went to a nearby lake for a burial.  We have tassie aboriginal ancestors and i wanted share a smoking ceremony with little Joe.  I lit a fire either side of the bird and looked with my imagination through its eyes.  Thought about the decisions,the thoughts, understandings of the bird.  Then at the point of ignition of the gum leaves, where heat becomes flame, like a crack of light under a door i saw JOY just for a timeless moment. Something i hadnt seen or felt for years, I understood it as an inherent joy connecting all life. I had found a strand, a place to unravel some new beliefs from.  It was the earth and the natural world around me communicating with me.  Reassuring me.  I all of a sudden had a reference point a deep feeling of connection.

Some days later trying to sleep ( nightshift ) before work, the predictable heavyness decended on me.  I got up as i couldnt bear it.  After a while i lay back down and put hands on heart. Was then that something asked permission to come in.  Intuitively I said yes and 6 things, entities, spirits, something filled my body.  Tingling, restoring, filling me up. From out of nowhere Im back in the belief game.  All these anxieties reduced to just shitty memories.  Work isnt a problem, thoughts of dying gone. I no longer default think that everyone hates me.  Such a relief.  I feel very grateful, humbled, lucky, happy.  Joe still talks about that day often as it stands out as special to him too.  I vow to always work towards making my world a better place for birds, so atm im growing as many natives as i can propagate.  Learning as much as i can. And have quit studying nursing as its toxic for me.  I am better serving to heal others through healing the environment, rather than the acute, ambulance at the bottom of the cliff shit.

It wasnt long after discovering that the natural world as my guide that I found SAB and a whole heap of people who may feel similarly.  Blown away to have a sense of community and access to all this knowledge as well.  


Edited by Humbolt
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