Hi there

[hoot]

Hello,

I had a chat with a psych fellow at the acute mental health facility this morning. He believes that I am borderline schizophrenic, perhaps a couple of steps over. I would appreciate your input on the matter, fully understanding that anything stated is not of professional opinion. I will continue to seek help from a trained psychologist, albeit once I find one that I do not consider an arrogant wanker. Please bear with me, for what is a complex subject I will attempt to include all important information, yet not waffle on excessively. I will approach the subject as objectively as possible.

I believe that my current problems arise due to a lack of GABA, although I have always had my fair share of missing marbles. Recently my partner has been diagnosed with coeliac's disease and I have become a vegetarian. This has cut out a large portion of foods that contain necessary precursors, although I still eat a number of eggs and potatoes I am making an assumption that this may not be enough. I was prescribed diazepam (also anti-psych meds and anti-depressants, I refused these prescriptions) however have great reservations regarding this medication. I was given 5 x 5mg pills to last until I could get the prescription filled and am considering destroying the prescription and then taking the five pills to see how they affect me. I have a highly addictive personality and am concerned that I might like them a bit too much, I don't feel like adding an addiction to benzo's on top of the issues I already have. If the effects are positive and in a direction where I would like to see my mental health improve I would look into a more positive way to get this particular system back in balance.

I believe the driving point for the diagnosis is the little voice in my head that seems to be a separate entity to myself. It tells me things I shouldn't know, and is never wrong. It's slightly beyond the edge of my normal awareness and thought patterns, only just loud enough to hear. It's almost a guiding hand that has my best interests at heart. Sometimes it will tell me things of no great importance, perhaps just to re-enforce its existence. I am getting better at hearing it too, at an exponential rate. Personally I don't think that I am crazy at all, at least not because of this. I have started relaying things to my partner so when these things come to pass I can be reassured that they are not a delusion. However, I also believe that our thoughts construct reality, herein I am concerned with this little voice as it may not be something separate from me but a slightly different and currently subconscious facet of my mind. One that is actually creating small segments of reality for me. I have little to no control over my mind, and if it is my subconscious influencing reality then I need to gain greater control over my thought patterns before something disastrous slips through. For example, if my Father was involved in an accident and the little voice told me before I was informed mental preparations could be made and the psychological blow lessened, hence beneficial. However if my subconscious was off creating realities without my permission, well I would have caused harm on myself, and my Dad.

There are a number of other issues as well. At any time if I can hear or see people laughing I always feel that it is directed at me in a derogatory fashion. I feel that people are watching me, sometimes they stare. If someone has had a bad day and are not in a good mood I feel that this is because of me. I do not feel safe around people, I always worry that they will be violent either physically or verbally towards me. The first three points listed I can appreciate neutrally, being aware that it is in my head. This does not alter the feeling though, and it is the feeling that causes stress. The fourth is partially because I live in Brisbane and the people here just don't have a nice vibe. I don't wear shoes around, but beyond this there is nothing that I would find out of the ordinary about myself. Apparently I am a lot like Sheldon from the Big Bang, to the point that the other night when I was out drinking random people made a point of mentioning it. Who knows, maybe people are just staring because they're to shy to ask for an autograph. These problems I see to be the root of a lot of my mental health issues. As they are mostly anxiety based I see this as a major sign suggesting low GABA levels.

For all the anxiety that people cause me they are also the source of anger. Living in Brisbane it is all to easy to see people treating each other like shit. I know that there are just as many people out there doing good things, but I never see them over the number of inconsiderate pieces of shit that treat their fellow man with no respect, and certainly no love. I have always done my best to treat everyone I meet with kindness and for a large part people have reciprocated. However that does not stop me from wallowing in self pity from the anxiety mentioned above and then like a roller-coaster blind pointless outbursts of anger (contained within my head, as is the anxiety) wishing violence on pricks pushing past old people to get on a train first, or abusing strangers after a few to many drinks. Even in typing this and thinking about the issue I have worked myself up.

I think that the combination of these two eventually wears me down to rather deep states of depression about where my life is and where it's going. I have no mental or physical energy to complete things throughout the day, or to even be bothered starting them. So countless jobs pile up, culminating to where I am now. A pile of jobs so bloody high that I don't know where to start, or can't start. I know it's as simple as start somewhere, but for some reason I can't. This is something that I find odd. I know to just start somewhere, but I can't. I watch myself do this and I don't know why it is.

There are a few things that still get my serotonin pumping. One day I hope to have a large block of land in QLD or NNSW where I could build a simple shed, study permaculture and lead a simple life away from the stresses, unnecessary trappings and people of modern life. There is something horribly wrong in the world and I don't want to be a part of it. On that note I refuse to believe that our government has our best interests at heart, or big companies are really trying to do the right thing. Maybe they are, at the end of the day society is bursting at the seams. When it does a lot of people are going to die from starvation, disease and violence. If governments and big corps were not here to hold things together that stuff would be happening right now. I've started to waffle, though that line of thought is something that I would like to pursue further with you in another thread, at another time.

I post this with great apprehension as I am worried that I will be judged for what I have said, or the way I have said it as a lot of communication is lost if not talking in person. I value my time on this board, and although I may not post often I read a lot. If I have offended you in anyway please accept a pre-emptive apology.

tl;dr

I lick windows

[Evil Genius]

Hi Hoot, welcome around. I find your post very honest and im sure that it will cause a very interesting discussion around here. bye Eg

[random]

Apologies, I need to delete my post in respect for my family member who I had mentioned in this post, he's since passed away and I need to remove my mention of him as a result I will delete my entire post.

Rest in peace my big son, no more suffering brother but you left us too soon. Love you always

Edited April 13, 2011 by meeka

[∂an]

hi hoot, welcome! thanks for sharing your experiences, I'm sure many people here can relate to some extent to what your going through.

sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time in Brisbane mate. I can understand what you mean about Brisbane being an unfriendly place at times, there is a bit of a conservative/redneck streak amongst the people. But I found West End to be a great mecca of alternative culture and attitudes... you certainly wouldn't be out of place walking down Boundary St without any shoes, probably 10% of the locals do! There is a strong community vibe with the saturday markets, festivals, and friendly locals that is difficult to find elsewhere in the city.

Although I haven't gone through schizophrenia, I have had quite severe depression and anxiety in the past. In my experience I had to remove myself from the environment that was causing me the stress, namely my job and sharehouse I was living in. Along with regular exercise and a healthy diet, a healthy sleep pattern began to resume and the anxiety started to diminish. For me good natural sleep (ie without sleeping tablets, weed, booze, kava etc) was the key to my recovery. seems to be something about deep REM sleep really healing and re-energising your soul. the world can seem a dark and twisted place when you aren't getting enough quality sleep... everything and everyone seems pitted against you.

hang in there mate, try and stay positive and the world around you will respond accordingly.

[qualia]

i got diagnosed as having schizophrenia once, the doctor ill-prescribed some meds which had a serious adverse reaction, and i developed an instant distrust of western doctors. i spent a few years dealing with psychosis, paranoia, hallucinations etc. but then i moved across the other side of town and and everything dies down a little. still had delusions and hearing voice through walls plotting against me, but no telepathy, spirit manifestation etc. now about five years on everythings died down to quite an acceptable level. so why write this? it seems ones environment may more of an affect on your psyche than you may give it credit for. before you get locked into a virtually never-ending cycle of western pharmaceutical dependance i'd suggest getting to a place where you feel much more relaxed and happy. also i started getting deeply into zen thought (chinese and japanese) which helped with the paranoia, but that was more personal awareness stuff which may not apply to you. however by all means if you feel absolutely unable to or you feel you may be a danger to yourself or others then seek some help. one thing you don't want to is harm someone as a result of delusional thought because that can't be reversed. of course YMMV, i spent a good few years being fucked up before i finally became normal again.

Edited March 29, 2011 by qualia

[poisonshroom]

I agree with what qualia has said about environment. I have a friend who is schizophrenic (I was with him when it very suddenly became apparent) and his case was quite severe. After he moved between really isolated locations with family and then to brisbane he was in quite a bad way (no apparent improvement), he was shooting up anything he could and getting into some really bad situations. He moved back here to townsville, but still took drugs and he ended up in the psyche ward. While he was there he was at his absolute worst - delusional, had strange rituals, thought people were tring to break into his mind etc, he was an absolute mess. After they let him out and he moved in with his old friends and got off the drugs (illicit ones) he was almost completely normal again, his weight returned to normal, and he actually smiles again and to anyone else he would seem like nothing is or was wrong.

You seem to have identified where the problems are arising from, and i would agree that modifying your environment (moving to a nicer neighbourhood anddoing the things you enjoy doing) will help a lot. Also if you use illicit drugs I would suggest ceasing that right away, it never has a good outcome. The reason I felt I should comment is that what you have described is almost exactly the same as what my friend went through early on, but in his case it was very suddenly (literally overnight) made extremely bad by taking drugs.

The best advice I can give you is to try not to let it get to you, because as soon as you do, you can lose control. I would also suggest getting multiple professional opinions, because one doctor may give you a handful of pills to take (which doesnt seem completely necessary in your case) while another may have a more proactive and conservative approach that you may take to better than being zonked out on pharmaceuticals.

Hang in there mate, thanks for posting

[Sheather]

Hi Hoot! I look forward to reading this thread in full, but for now, welcome, and excellent tl;dr.

[Zen Peddler]

For all the anxiety that people cause me they are also the source of anger. Living in Brisbane it is all to easy to see people treating each other like shit. I know that there are just as many people out there doing good things, but I never see them over the number of inconsiderate pieces of shit that treat their fellow man with no respect, and certainly no love. I have always done my best to treat everyone I meet with kindness and for a large part people have reciprocated.

That is the point. There is something very wrong with Australian society in particular and all over Australia ive seen this kind of thing nowdays. Its probably why I like travelling to civilised placed from time to time.

You sound quite sane mate - more sane than the majority of self-serving mortgage payers that project their feelings of frustration and meaninglessness on other people as rage. Dont fear them, feel sorry for them mate.

Mental illness is really when emotional hurdles or perhaps moods or delusions affect you to the point where they are making you unhappy and unable to live a meaningful life. Most people have some kind of anxiety otherwise you wouldnt bother getting up or going to work. It just expresses itself in different ways. A severe illness on the other hand like Schizophrenia pretty much stops you from functioning.

My advice, hold on to yur dream, do your best to be singleminded in its pursuit and dont buy into other people's tension and anger.

[hoot]

Hello,

.:. Greencavefloat .:.

What I am concerned about is the number of times simple misunderstandings have escalated into arguments for no real reason. I am worried that such a misunderstanding may tarnish whatever my reputation at SAB may be. I have spent heaps of time trying to talk to people in my social circle about the issues that I find important, most often met with blank stares or a comment that I think to much and should just let it go. I'm well aware that I think to much but life isn't as simple as switching off and turning on the television. I refuse to delude myself into thinking this is the case, and one of the reasons I have turned to these fora for advice is people here seem in much the same vein. So instead of talking any longer I will endeavour to lead my life true to myself, hopefully thus leading by example. I have taken your advice on writing more, I lashed out and started another thread on investment. If there is sufficient interest (interest - investment, ho ho) in it I will go further and start a blag. I await the extended reply to eluded to in you post. Thankyou.

Evil Genius

Thankyou for the kind welcome.

meeka

The Doctor never explicitly stated what he thought my problem to be, however on account of the questions that he asked I hazard a guess towards paranoid schizophrenia. I don't think I am crazy, the concerns that led me to seeing a specialist was the rough few weeks I had leading up to the weekend just passed. I am lucky in my ability to remain somewhat lucid and objective about my situation, but on the weekend noticed how quickly that lucidity may slip away and I think if that happens it is a very steep slope I may not be able to retrieve myself from. Thankyou for your advice.

kalika

On your recommendation I have made plans to go for a wander through the West End markets this Saturday with no shoes on, I hope to purchase myself a nice hat. I have also suffered from severe depression many years ago, I was prescribed SSRI's and they only made the problem worse. On top of that there were severe physical side effects and so I stopped taking the medication immediately. Your comments on sleep, diet and exercise are something that I will be pursuing over the next few weeks after watching the effects that these different things have on my thoughts and mind. Thankyou for your kind words.

qualia

This is my major concern, as stated I don't think I'm crazy. I am aware that all evidence points towards a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I feel that there are better ways than prescribed medication. May I ask, was the psychosis you dealt with brought on in part by the misdiagnosis and medication? And do you believe the telepathy and spirit manifestation was a delusion caused from psychosis or that they were real? I can feel the difference in my mental state as soon as I cross the border to NNSW. Although this may be because I have not spent the amount of time down there as I have in QLD and hence am not yet as judgemental. Thankyou for your time.

poisonshroom

I have done my fair share of illicit substances in the past. I think they have opened a lot of doors in my perception of reality, some may have been better left closed. To look back along my life there has always been something different in the way I function and think so I do not account any of my current problems to past habits. It has been quite a few years since I have taken anything, even the diazepam I was given remains unopened. I do drink to a degree, lately perhaps a bit in excess. I understand that my mind is on shaky ground at the moment and certainly have no intentions of taking anything to test the water. I am currently in the process of tracking down a psychologist with the more proactive approach you mentioned. At the very least one that I can trust. Thankyou for your encouragement.

Sheather

I was hoping someone would enjoy that! Thankyou for the welcome.

Zen Peddler BlueGreenie

May I ask where you mean by civilised places? Overseas or little hidden away secret townships where the people are still nice? I no longer get up and go to work, I quit my job nearly one year ago and have been unable to go back into employment as the very thought causes me anxiety. Originally my intentions were to take time off to renovate the house we live in yet now even this is in various stages of completion and in feeling lost and overwhelmed I cannot move forward. For all intents and purposes I have stopped functioning, I am seeking help now before my situation goes beyond a point of no return. I feel may not be far off. Thankyou for what you have said.

I will start over the next few days with a dietary change in which I will be eating only dhal and drinking only water. I expect that my body may have some adverse reactions at the outset however after some initial discomfort I hope from here to be able to see just how much my dietary intake effects my mind. From here I will then add things back into my diet, starting with the fruit and vegetables which I will miss immensely. I would start immediately but I would like to go out to dinner with my partner before I start. We're heading up to La Vida along Hastings St in Noosa this Sunday night, just to give them a quick rap they are an amazing restaurant with some of the most delectable and tantalising meals I've ever tasted. BAM! There it is! Surprise! I've been a bot this whole time. Lurking here for years, posting large blocks of text and waiting for my opportunity to strike.

Thankyou.

EDIT: Forgot to spell-check.

Edited March 31, 2011 by hoot

[dr dognutz]

hey hoot, hang in there buddy... i think your honesty is a real credit to you, and the way you write and word things blows me away! i can relate to alot of wat you said in your opening post and now i know that im not the only one.

sounds like we are on the same page bro

[qualia]

qualia

This is my major concern, as stated I don't think I'm crazy.

 

crazy doesn't exist. it's just something created to sell an idea of normal.

I am aware that all evidence points towards a chemical imbalance in my brain, but I feel that there are better ways than prescribed medication.

 

absolutely. which is why i didn't take any (actually the real reason is i think its another form of very potent mind control. but thats another story).

May I ask, was the psychosis you dealt with brought on in part by the misdiagnosis and medication? And do you believe the telepathy and spirit manifestation was a delusion caused from psychosis or that they were real?

 

misdiagnosis? nah, looking back i was very much a psycho. and i never took medication. after i fucked up the first time i decided the doctors weren't on my side. the delusions/hallucinations definitely weren't real. unless my lecturer really is from an ancient order of telepathic buddhists and i really am the chosen one.....

I can feel the difference in my mental state as soon as I cross the border to NNSW. Although this may be because I have not spent the amount of time down there as I have in QLD and hence am not yet as judgemental. Thankyou for your time.

 

yeah definitely get to a place that doesn't have so many negative vibes. the first place i was living was preston victoria, which was a bit rough at the time. was a nasty place with a lot of bad vibes which i think contributed immensely to my issues. but i should stress that at the time i was pretty much alone. i think if i had to function in any sort of relationship which required me to maintain some sense of "normal" then things would've deteriorated fairly rapidly. there wasn't a single place or a single person which wasn't incorporated in some way toward a plot to destroy me (even my close friends, which was the worst of it). i'd also like to say if i had started taking meds then i'd be definitely be on them to this day, and i can say for certain that these days i'm in a pretty good place, things have worked out and i think going to keep working out for some time. think more than twice if you want to start taking meds, because once you're on them you'll be on them for a while, if not forever. but again, if you need to function with someone who has an idea of "normal hoot" and can't handle the other one, then yeah try and sort things out however you need to.

[qualia]

oh and on the diet thing to you should start taking herbal medicine. I'm absolutely no expert but have been reading a bit about tcm lately and drinking some herbal teas which have been leaving me feeling great.

[Zen Peddler]

Preston eh? te friend of mine that developed schizophrenia lived there also for many years, before moving to even more depressing Kingsville.

[qualia]

lol. seems like theres some bad juju in that place,,