tripsis Posted March 11, 2011 Scientists Baffled By Man's Incredible Ability To Fuck Up Every Time March 7, 2011 | ISSUE 47•10 Researchers say they currently have no answers as to how Collins could be so fucking inept. BALTIMORE—Neurologists at Johns Hopkins University confirmed Monday they remain completely baffled by Rockville, MD resident Erik Collins, a man who possesses an extraordinary and previously undocumented ability to fuck everything up. According to Dr. William Moore, head of a research team studying exactly how Collins manages to drop the goddamn ball every single time, the 32-year-old sales associate represents a major conundrum for modern science. "We've never seen these cognitive abilities in a human subject before," said Moore, adding that Collins invariably misses important appointments, fails to call loved ones on their birthdays, and runs out of gas at busy intersections. "Probability dictates that even the biggest fuckups should occasionally get things right, if only by accident. But not Erik. We observed him making breakfast in 72 experimental trials, and 72 times he ended up with an inedible gray mush." "Seriously, how does anyone screw up toast?" Moore added. In their attempt to study the brain mechanisms required to perform such simple tasks with so little competence, researchers were unable to use standard neuroimaging techniques, as Collins inadvertently destroyed the lab's $250,000 MRI machine by using a handheld video-game device during a routine cortical diagnostic. As a result, Moore's team opted for an observational approach and eventually discovered that Collins was capable of fucking things up even when he appeared to be doing nothing: Seated passively in a chair, he would forget to shift his weight to keep his limbs from falling asleep, or accidentally bite his tongue really hard, wincing from the unexpected pain. "Our theory is that Erik approaches fucking up unconsciously, his mind automatically creating a fractal model of screwing the pooch that is not unlike the infinite images contained within facing mirrors," Moore said. "If Erik has to make a withdrawal at an ATM, for example, he begins with a simple fuckup, such as accidentally selecting the Chinese language option. Then, instead of starting from the beginning the way an average individual would, he instinctively plows forward, creating concentric rings of fucking-it-up within his original mistake until eventually the machine has confiscated his debit card and his account has been frozen—and that's just the beginning of a weeks-long mega-fuckup that continues once he attempts to call his bank." Collins reportedly first came to the scientific community's attention late last year when, in a simple attempt to download pornography from the Internet, he somehow managed to crash a highly secure server in Fermilab's particle physics department. After using powerful computer models to map the enormously complex series of fuckups necessary for a person to have accomplished this, researchers obtained the address of Collins' Maryland home, and later tracked him down in an emergency room to which he had just been admitted following a lawn- mowing mishap. Where this one man's massive clusterfucks originate is still a mystery, but scientists have hypothesized that each individual fuckup may compound itself exponentially, expanding in every conceivable direction until a given situation is no longer salvageable. Moore said this phenomenon is most evident when Collins interacts with women, his intricate and novel behavioral patterns simultaneously evoking rage, confusion, revulsion, and indignation. "Have you ever seen anything like it?" a visibly bemused Moore said while showing reporters a video in which Collins, attempting to impress a woman in a bar, chokes on his drink, spits up in her face, and then pokes her in the eye while trying to dry her off with her own scarf. "Unbelievable." Moore admitted that it might be years before neurologists unravel the full workings of Collins' brain, due in large part to delays caused by their subject's inability to arrive at the facility without getting lost several times and having to repeatedly call for directions. Despite all the attention his unique cognitive attributes have garnered, Collins, for his part, remains humble. According to the fuckup savant, his exceptional aptitude doesn't make him feel particularly special or different. "I don't know, okay? I just do it somehow," Collins said. "Now can you please call the janitor or a locksmith or do something to get me out of here?" Source. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
random Posted March 11, 2011 The weirdest thing i've read all year My non-scientific approach would be to suggest he's cursed or something Seriously though, how odd. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ballzac Posted March 11, 2011 Isn't it a bit early for April fools articles? Gave me a good laugh though. :D Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tripsis Posted March 11, 2011 There was reason this was posted in the chill forum instead. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ThunderIdeal Posted March 11, 2011 the onion, a satirical newspaper which most web nerds know well by now. ya live n learn. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
random Posted March 11, 2011 At the age of 30 I had to have the saying *man in the boat* explained to me... As if thats any consolation to the extent of my naivety... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tripsis Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) The first time I read an article by the Onion, I thought it was real too. Well for about the first half anyway. Edit: had to look up "man in the boat" too. Edited March 11, 2011 by tripsis Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
random Posted March 11, 2011 (edited) mwahahaha Well I guess being female n all, it isn't that hard to believe that a man could be so accident prone and able to fuck up so badly *off to google image search 'man in the boat'* Edited March 11, 2011 by meeka Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tripsis Posted March 11, 2011 Of course, it wouldn't have been half as believable if it was a woman in the article, eh? I decided to follow suit with the google image search. Started out tame enough, but by the end they were half fisting images! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
random Posted March 11, 2011 I had *safe search* enabled, so I was protected from debauchery Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tripsis Posted March 11, 2011 Wasn't a bad idea.... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sonny Jim Posted March 11, 2011 "man in the boat" I have never heard of it being called that. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zen Peddler Posted March 11, 2011 Thew poor cunt is too much like me... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WoodDragon Posted March 14, 2011 Some mothers do 'ave 'em... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
qualia Posted March 14, 2011 classic onion, i came home blind drunk on saturday night sometime, when i awoke the next day i found out i'd managed to completely fuck up my television reception, all i can get is snow and white noise, the only memory i have is pulling my tv off its wall perch, and dragging it all across the lounge room, seems there's a little eric collins in all of us Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Perdix Posted March 19, 2011 Rumour has it I must post or be deleted and this thread seemed to be the safest place to drop the first pebble in the pond. I now dream of being authorised to access my own profile... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hutch Posted March 19, 2011 Had no idea what "man in the boat" either.....can't see it myself .............she wont let me but seriously, I had to turn safe search off to look as well and this is what I found...I will only link to it just in case you are having tea.... http://simplyfrogg.com/myspace-comments/index180.shtml ouch...... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
