The Perals of Self-Mastery

[No_One]

Just want to share what's currently renting my mind. Please scrutinise, criticise, comment, etc. so I can evict these thoughts and turn them into memories.

I'm just going to ramble to make communicating these thoughts a little less formal - pardon the lack of fluency.

The more I've dug the more I've found. The stockpile of treasures I've found in my time grows and grows. Every now and then I have to melt my pile down to get a more concise collection of treasure. This is what this is: a melting down of newly found treasures.

Ever since I can remember I've hated being the spectator, when everyone was watching something being down I was thinking how do I do that? I don't know for sure why my mind started operating that way but I think it has something to do with wanting the attention that the people being watched were getting.

Anyway, this is where I have traced my explorative tendencies back to.

I've always been a digger, I can't force myself to stop looking for this thing that I'm looking for.

I have found an amount of treasure to date that would more than satisfy most. When is enough treasure enough though? When it all boils down isn't all the treasure I've already accumulated exactly the same as the holy grail just in different forms? Why keep looking for the holy grail when I'll probably just end up with a big pile of stuff that is technically the same as the holy grail but due to this idea I possess concerning the existence of "a" holy grail this pile i've accrued will never be as satisfying as finding the particular thing I'm looking for?

What is it that makes me even look for this piece of treasure? Why can't I be content and not worry about what I haven't discovered yet? Why do I need to always be exploring?

They say the world is made for those without self-awareness, how do you survive these times if you have self-awareness? Is awareness a blessing or a curse? The more things you've taught yourself to pay attention to the more work you have to do to make sense of all your picking up on - isn't this a hinderance in a world that promotes close-mindedness, focus, long attention spans, etc.?

Hypersensitivity, The Burnt-Child Syndrome, Dissociative Identity Disorder - these are the major players when it comes to the labels used to describe the core of my personal dilemma.

Perceived injustices as a child led to what I would say retrospectively was an over-examination of reality, this resulted in an unnacceptance of tried and true methods and begun my pursuit for my own version of truth.

This early adopted rebellious streak was masked at all times by a self constructed persona. This persona made of the elements expected in me by others allowed a certain level of participation in society but my true self was always at idol below the surface making most experiences relatively shallow.

I'm at a point where I want to be more efficient/productive/harmonious but I have a plethora of old habits that need changing. I can see that this is going to be about finding a sweet spot between my individual reality and the collective reality, currently interactions in the temporal realm need a high level of excitement to get me interested, I always find myself lost in my thoughts with a handful of cliche's at the tip of my tongue ready to make it look like I'm fully in the moment.

Without trying to sound arrogant - and I say this with quite a degree of uncertainty, but I feel my beings choice to isolate itself from the perceived injustices of the temporal realm and dissociate into the realm of my imagination forced me to learn the workings of reality to a higher level than most people I have met throughout my life. Wether this thought is accurate or not doesn't matter at the moment because it's there.

Whenever I meet someone or catch up with someone after a period of time - instead of sizing up muscles etc. I find myself sizing up something else, something that is hard to explain in words, it's more of a sensual intuitive vibrational sizing up than anything else, it's almost like it's a guage I use for something - a sizing up of each others models of reality, the one with the best model should lead a better life. This part of myself makes life unsatisfying most of the time as my "aliveness" is mostly at idol, this "aliveness" grows as the intensity of various situations grows. Post any attempt to "know thy self" I romanced Cannabis for a while and found that it turned off my hypersensitivity/awareness, I could do things that would normally seem boring with a new found level of inspiration - this would have been good but things got messy when all I wanted to do were the things that I used to find boring and not the things I knew I could do using my natural abilities.

I feel most alive when my senses are experiencing reality the way I perceive them when I am in my dissociated realm. More often than not the way I perceive reality in the dissociated realm is typical of an Idealist. Herein lies my achilles heal, I want consensual reality to be the way I have seen it while in my dissociated realm but the red-tape laden temporal realm remains a stubborn enemy.

Starting to lose it so I'll stop it there.

There's a lot of shit going on there, it's not very articulate or detailed but......

Please, help me think about what's going on.

Peace,

Shiva

[IndigoNative]

For me the happiest and saddest thing in life is knowing that life doesn't last, as a aboriginal I treausure everyday as the first day and remember that everyday could be my last.

Eternity is a long time.

[BlackDragon]

Shiva, your word skill is much higher than mine, but ill attempt to input a little as im a in a bit of a mind pickle at the moment also.

Much of what you have said has effected me in the past and still to this day. I find the objectiveness of our worlds(ethno enlightened or just not a sheep like follower) has always struggled within its own realms of saftey. Its a part of being self aware i think....

I too find myself endlesly chasing treasures and grails.

I think in human life this chase or struggle is reflected in almost everyone, yet not everyone can recognise it, or they choose not to feel it.

I think as highly emotional people(myself definatley and perhaps yourself) we struggle to truely be happy(what is happy?) in a sense, and our chase of treasures is our own way to dealing and rewarding ourselves. Its our own set up and reward system.... thesedays its rare to get a pat on the back, our chase/reward system forms our own acceptance internally perhaps.. we do need a little comforting now and then o spose..

Ive found, like you said, catching up with old mates a major marker of my mindset and my space now and here. Sometimes things should just be left in the past, we have grown as a beings individually, and i have learnt to accept that other do so in their own time or sometimes not at all. Its hard to understand but i think its part of also growing older. You/we realise not everyone is the same internally, and you cannot expect the same of others to be reciprocated as you would expect, again we are setting ourselves up for a fall or reward.. your heart knows there is no reward here trying to replay old times as you may like to so the fall is inevitable as a learning guide for our own future and growth..

Im not sure if any of this is making sense as its like explaining a symphony of reflective and educational emotions all crashing at once, im just trying to single out a little of the melody that ive managed to decypher

Your not alone, thats all i know.

BD.

Edited March 30, 2007 by BlackDragon

[paradox]

your certainly not alone!

[No_One]

Im not sure if any of this is making sense as its like explaining a symphony of reflective and educational emotions all crashing at once, im just trying to single out a little of the melody that ive managed to decypher

That's the style I wanted for this post - trying to find the harmony in this noise I have going on at the moment. Just dump all you can onto it and the clarity will come.

I think as highly emotional people(myself definatley and perhaps yourself) we struggle to truely be happy(what is happy?) in a sense, and our chase of treasures is our own way to dealing and rewarding ourselves.

Happy is satisfaction to me, it's hard to be satisfied when you're aware of things outside of a box though, I don't really want to be happy I just want to use my time here well. Until I know how I work and who I am I'm just killing time till I do - the norm seems to be work how we tell you to work, be who we tell you to be and give your time to us. It hurts when I try to motivate myself to yield, it's too hard to deny the truth once you've seen it.

Slip of the tongue there, I don't claim to have seen the truth - maybe just "seen through the lie" is a better way to put it.

Edited March 30, 2007 by Shiva

[BlackDragon]

Happy is satisfaction to me, it's hard to be satisfied when you're aware of things outside of a box though, I don't really want to be happy I just want to use my time here well.

I dont think i have ever been truely satisfied.

I believe the time used thinking of what lies outside of the box is all important to our time here and now, it actually makes us who we are, and makes us different. Our place or awareness outside of the box is immesurable. The chaos that comes along with this open space is something that we can only learn to listen to, swim through and run from... i dont think we can ever fully decypher our role on earth. Our role may eventually be laid out open, or we may have to wade through the noise, some may decypher a small message that will grow within us. Even if we dont know what it means yet, it will continue to guide us or propell us toward a new light in one way or another.

Until I know how I work and who I am I'm just killing time till I do - the norm seems to be work how we tell you to work, be who we tell you to be and give your time to us. It hurts when I try to motivate myself to yield, it's too hard to deny the truth once you've seen it.

Its like a glimpse of what the world should be like, yet you can only live in the world you create for yourself. Through persistance and growth, crazy thoughts and awkward times, life, your/our life will be as you want, its just not right here right now. We can always wonder what is and work toward it, even if we dont complete the journey in our lifetime, the path has been opened by someone so some other may stumble on and follow the given trail, and im in no doubt, that the second being to do so will olny lenghten that road/ perhaps diverting it in a way, but nevertheless, progress through the noise has been made.

I may have used the word you alot here, not meaning you as in pointing the finger you, i mean we/you, a collective being.

Peace BD.

[reptyle]

The constant search for treasures is useful in the sense that it indicates a wish to escape from the ignorance that maintains the seemingly contradictory world and gives the classifications which are used to "size up" the people you meet. the search can begin to progress once you realise that everyone except you knows whats going on but they just wont let you in on the secret of your own progress. With this in mind the only actions and thoughts it feels "healthy" to express are ones which aid or ease the lives of the other, and in an equal and opposite reactionary style the things you teach to others in turn get taught to you, and the exponential learning curve continues.

In terms of a dissociated self it can be beneficial to observe the self you are currently identifying with from outside of the actual body and as such direct the body around within the space being perceived from a multi focal view point. With this style of imaginative creation process it can become possible to direct several aspects within an environment, not simply the one body observer usually associated with. This method eventually becomes the non-dissociated state and only once you dissociate from the greater mind do you actually exist within a single defined form. With this in mind directing the flow towards the greatest goal for all aspects seems obvious as there is no idividuated entity with which to benefit. This technique is however not limited purely to loving beings and ignorance can also be a driving force, however within the microcosmic mind which is directing the force all actions performed also occur, in this way we reap what we sow and cause our own pleasure or pain, health or illness. The object is to connect with the higher mind and utilise this to increase health and releave suffering.

peace.

[botanika]

The more I've dug the more I've found. The stockpile of treasures I've found in my time grows and grows. Every now and then I have to melt my pile down to get a more concise collection of treasure. This is what this is: a melting down of newly found treasures.

I've always been a digger, I can't force myself to stop looking for this thing that I'm looking for.

I have found an amount of treasure to date that would more than satisfy most. When is enough treasure enough though? When it all boils down isn't all the treasure I've already accumulated exactly the same as the holy grail just in different forms? Why keep looking for the holy grail when I'll probably just end up with a big pile of stuff that is technically the same as the holy grail but due to this idea I possess concerning the existence of "a" holy grail this pile i've accrued will never be as satisfying as finding the particular thing I'm

looking for?

Is awareness a blessing or a curse?

I can see that this is going to be about finding a sweet spot between my individual reality and the collective reality, currently interactions in the temporal realm need a high level of excitement to get me interested, I always find myself lost in my thoughts with a handful of cliche's at the tip of my tongue ready to make it look like I'm fully in the moment.

You think about digging and searching - but dont forget about giving. 'The easiest way to help yourself is to help someone else'. There's not much in life that exceeds the satisfaction of being appreciated by others.

If you found what you were looking for, what else would there be left to search for? Like Rip Curl's 'the search'. There is no ultimate wave. It's about getting out there, turning up and making the most of the scene - even if the waves are not to your liking. Most of life's mysteries and secrets are right in front of us - but to notice where they are we sometimes have to explore everywhere else. I feel frustrated too sometimes in human flesh and bones - impatient even when I watch Howard and Bush on TV. But I know 'despite all my rage Im still just a rat in a cage' in the same way a sheep can't become a cow overnight and a dolphin can't run off and become a charttered accountant.

You were talking about how to see harmony through the noise - become clearer through the saturation. If you understand the noise and you understand what harmony is then all you have to do is 'EQ' your life - maybe you could think of your dreamworld as being live and the real world as being on record - controlled but the melody is still there. Sounds crazy but aren't we all just a bunch of energized wavelengths anyway? If your thinking musical analogies then rock n roll baby! Its dreams and real life rolled into one.

[komodo]

i resonate with a lot of that stuff shiva. especially the dissociative part. for me those 'temporal' difficulties are a mismatch with human social norms, something political more than physical (eating, sleeping, making a shelter, etc.) i have no difficulties with plants and non-human animals, or my own head.

from my perspective then; i deliberately and consciously rejected most of the social norms around me in early formative stages. i made up my own mind, gave no ground to a thought-form just because others did, and so gradually got very far from the communal reference points. like you, i have a social construct that assists in completing required social interactions, but its a presentation for convenience or for someone elses benefit, not really 'me'.

one way to see this is that in order not to enact some really horrible intentions rife in human collective consciousness, like greed, cruelty or violence, you have to get to the roots of the psychological matrix, and so all the nice leaf and flower parts of the social construct get pulled out with the evil thorny rootstock they are grafted on.

i think its valuable work, especially if you can transmit some of the new pattern youve created to others around you. id rather be unhappy but staying true to a new pattern of good intentions than capitulating to some deeply corrupted tribal consciousness of competition, exclusion, and harm, and perpetuating that. thats my reasoning, i hope its helpful.

[botanika]

Found this quote today: 'in plucking the fruit of memory one runs the risk of spoiling its bloom' Joseph Conrad, The Arrow of Gold