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ZefSide95

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About ZefSide95

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    Psychonaut

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    Australia

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    Melbourne

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  1. ZefSide95

    Youtube vids

    Epic speech is epic. I think I know this off by heart now
  2. ZefSide95

    Post your track of the day

    Cartman makes me laugh a bit too much I think! “Whaaaales”.
  3. ZefSide95

    PTSD 2018

    Yep, a big part of it is I already had very bad anxiety.. When I get really panicky I sometimes talk to myself as if I were an adult talking to a child, because essentially the fear is my inner-child thinking it’s literally going to die. It doesn’t help that my mother says things like “if you want to stay alive you will pack a bag and call the ambulance..” In other words “you will die if..” It feels like it’s embedded in the cells of my body now though, and I don’t know how to get it out. I can stop it being added to though by changing my environment. Re the “you are going to die” (the philosophical concept not mum’s neurosis!):
  4. ZefSide95

    PTSD 2018

    Thanks.. That sounds very much like Jungian psychology, which I love and have studied formally a bit. Yeah mine’s “undiagnosed” but a couple of doctors have said I seem traumatised. I like what George Carlin says here about terms like PTSD. Such a clever guy
  5. ZefSide95

    Live A Life That Matters

    I say just live your truth.. Find things that are meaningful to you, take things to the limit, go all the way
  6. ZefSide95

    PTSD 2018

    Yeah I mean if you can do things in moderation, all good, but alcoholism is rife in Oz. I can’t get it atm cos I’m on a phone, but I’ve got some info on alcohol written by a doctor whose life’s work is detox/rehab.. It’s one hell of a drug basically, in terms of the number of neurotransmitters it affects. Shamanic cultures were/are able to use things moderately and with respect. We tend not to.
  7. ZefSide95

    Post your track of the day

    I get a bit excited when I get an email about this!
  8. ZefSide95

    Youtube vids

  9. ZefSide95

    PTSD 2018

    Well see I’m not really using that much of anything.. Compared to my alcoholic days I’m really straight. People think alcohol is ok because it’s legal and socially acceptable. Hell, in this country beer is cheaper than Coke (cola haha). I’ve spoken to a GP about this and she said the alcohol lobby is very powerful.. You just have to look at the advertising to see just how much freedom the industry has. Even the dockets you get at the supermarket have offers at the bottom — “buy one bottle of Scotch and get one free”. Meanwhile, cigarettes are locked in this filing cabinet thing and buying a pack is a bit like some shady drug deal from the boot of a car. Not to mention the pricing. The difference between the attitude toward alcohol/cigarettes in Australia is a huge bug bear of mine because alcohol is what landed me in ICU for a week in 2008 with pancreatic necrosis. But yeah I really think any drugs I’m using atm are secondary/symptomatic of the trauma. If you ever end up in hospital though, NEVER tell them you use anything illicit because you’ll be written-off. Of all the dealings I had in 2018 with hospital/police/fire brigade, the hospital was the worst. The cops have always been assholes (mind you, Australia is becoming a police state more and more) but the hospital wasn’t too bad ten years ago. Now it’s like hell on earth. I went there for a physical thing but ended up having huge panic attacks and had to beg this doctor like some kind of junky for 10mg of Valium, but he was quite happy to give me Zyprexa (anti-psychotic), which I suspect was a factor in why I was there in the first place! I told them that but noone took any notice. Again, benzos are completely demonised, while they give out anti-psychotics and anti-depressants like candy. The medical profession is probably the #1 factor in this whole PTSD thing. /rant
  10. ZefSide95

    Post your track of the day

    https://youtu.be/WtJDCSoIVPk
  11. ZefSide95

    PTSD 2018

    Thanks for your thoughtful replies I will re-read when able..
  12. ZefSide95

    PTSD 2018

    Thank you The hardest thing with mum is she already lost one child to drugs.. But rather than improve her relationship with me, it’s worsened it if anything. I was always the “problem” child (was a bad alcoholic but have finally got to the point I don’t even enjoy the effect) and my bro more “normal”. He was sneaking around though, using H occasionally (and had various other chemicals in his blood). Anyway, it’s as if she’s hardened her heart even more in case something happens to me as well. She was already cold but now she’s just nasty. I’ve cut off communication and I’m planning on moving to the Riverland SA, where my daughter is. I don’t know if I’ll ever reconcile with her now. I am self-medicating - not with booze but with stuff I know isn’t helping and I’d rather not say. I need a better environment before I can deal with it. I despise where I am at the moment. Mushrooms are on my list actually.. I think being in a peaceful place will go a long way to helping though. Yes, just talking to people who think outside the box re mental health is helpful. Thanks x
  13. ZefSide95

    PTSD 2018

    This isn’t very “chill” and I probably should read through the suicide/mental health thing.. I don’t mind if admin want to put it in there — I just have to write this and it’s hard. I’m on another forum which is mental health oriented — I get severe anxiety/panic.. I think we should start calling these things by their “real” names though. Fear. But 2018 has taken it to another level I think. It’s some sort of PTSD (which was originally shell-shock). So I’ll summarise the major things that happened: —June: Health scare and trip to hospital Emergency. Experience so bad I feel like I’d rather lie at home and die. —September: Police arrest over (very) minor drug use and possession. Ridiculously unfair and first police involvement since I was 16 (I’m 45). —November: House fire. This was so frightening I can’t write much. Meantime, my mother has become increasingly cold and when I mentioned suicidal thoughts she told me to “hurry up and make your will then.” My brother ODed on heroin in 2014. My dad is decent but lives in the city (1.5 hours away) and has his own — more “pleasant” life. There’s been other things but those are most tangible. The reason I decided to post here about this is I don’t want a psychiatrist/psychologist (been there too many times), I don’t want anti-depressants (been on and off SSRIs for 20 years).. I want ideas that suit how I feel about this thing — like my soul hurts Music has helped me a lot, for example. Poetry has helped. Things that are meaningful to me. But I’m open to anything other than the mainstream medical profession. Thanks
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