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OpticalLight

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Posts posted by OpticalLight

  1. Posted

    Update... how is the situation now...?

    My first wife lost her long term first boyfriend (6 years) to suicide, he blew his own head off with a double barrel whilst sitting in his room listening to Janes addiction...it really had a permanent impact on the shape of her emotions for the rest of her life I feel. Very difficult to talk about, lots of self blame and doubt, seemingly no reason for him to do it either, although he had threatened to a couple of times, no one took it serious, as she and him were leading the rocker come surly goth life and abusing crystal meth and mecaline a lot, most around them assumed they where just two typical late teens early 20' year olds working their way through their youth.

    When she talked about it with me I felt a sharp cold line through the conversations, a sense of confusion and self loathing radiated through her, she could never convince herself it wasn't her fault, the following years of recovery consisted of tattoo's nipple piercings, fucking anyone and anything and abusing drugs and stealing...then we met.

     

    Woah, Chiral that must have been tough.

    Around the middle of 2003 I broke up with a guy I'd been seeing for about a year, after he told me he slept with his neighbour. Shortly afterwards he took some painkillers and tried to jump off of a bridge. People stopped him thank goodness. He was depressed about quite a few things that were going on in his life. I only found out about his attempt afterwards. We're still friends now and he's a fairly happy fellow. I know that he is responsible for his own actions... but I'm very glad his attempt failed.

    So the situation now.

    I've spoken to one of my ex's close friends and they didn't know it was this bad. They were aware that he was depressed, but they are also annoyed with him because they don't think he is listening to them. They believe that he will only heed my advice now. I think my ex has been trying not to worry them too much.

    He has lost a lot of weight and lost 2kg in the past month. One of his friends has refused to see him because his health has deteriorated to the point where that friend doesn't want to see him like that. His mum has threatened to check him into a psych ward if he doesn't get better. This would be terrible for him as he has spent so much time in the past trying to advice people that those sort of places aren't always ideal solutions.

    He has genuinely been actively trying to help himself. He eats healthy and still exercises. He has tried dating other women. He's gone to hypnosis classes, counsellors, relationship counsellors; and even started attending a friend's church three times a week... Nothing has helped, and he's grown tired of attending church.

    That call the other day was him at his wits end.

    He's been having panic attacks and has been waking up in the early hours of the mornings in cold sweats shaking. It's bad.

  2. Posted

    OL, I think you're a great person, sending all positive vibes I can gather from the warm mediterranean, hope some reach oz!

    The best are yet to come!

     

    Thank you mutant, I appreciate all positive vibes you've sent this way. The warm mediterranean sounds like bliss, it's about 10 degrees outside, brrrrrrr...

    I hope so.

  3. Posted · Edited by OpticalLight

    Im reluctant to post in threads like this but have one thing to say

    You have to be 100% honest with him & yourself, if he thinks there is any hope you will take him back & is depressed he will cling to that hope & fantasize about you rescuing him from depression & himself.

     

    I am taking the time to really think all this through.

    Thank you to the people who replied to this thread.

  5. Posted

    Yes suicide is selfish! If they stopped and thought about someone besides themselves, they'd realise this. So many people have hard lives, does a boyfriend or girlfriend breakup justify ending your life?! Or blaming that for getting off-track? And to ring you with an ultimatum... fuck me if that isn't the most selfish act out there i dunno what would trump it!!!

     

    Nah I wasn't posting because I was talking to friends back in Brisbane.

    Yeah I still think it's selfish. But isn't everything selfish anyway. There was some interesting comments about selfishness etc in another thread on addiction, here.

  6. Posted

    OL

    1. collect your centrelink benefits, who knows how long you will be unemployed or whatever? its your right as an australian, and i know they're a pain to deal with, but its worth it when you have money in the bank.

    2. you shouldn't need to change your phone plan ???? keep the plan, get your provider to give you a new number.

    ----------------

    it sounds like a difficult situation. the above advice is straightforward stuff but i'll only venture one thought regarding the complex issues with your ex. when you desperately want to be with somebody, even the slightest hope is enough to hold onto. you haven't cut him out of your life (he has your number), so by the sound of it he will continue clinging to that hope, and that false hope won't help him.

    i know you've already told him no. are you sure the answer is no? if the answer IS no, then perhaps the best thing for him is to either terminate all communication, or be prepared to give some of your energy to his recovery. this has more or less been said by others.

    namaste

     

    I am going to do the claim again today.

    The phone plan, that's tricky. It's in his name, only his name. Because of the privacy act the phone company will not discuss anything with me. There's a few options, I'll have to look into it.

    I don't think I'm going to comment on the complex issues any more.

  7. Posted

    If someone wants to go hell bad, how selfish is it of the family to force them to continue out of guilt for them

     

    because there might be even the slightest possibility that given time, that person might have the chance to be happy/happy again?

    because every one is selfish anyway

  8. Posted

    Sorry optical, that last comment wasn't directed at you in anyway, I can see how it looked like it was.

    I was kind of being a smart arse, by saying you'd probably be the sort of person to steal some blokes girlfriend to have that opinion.

    But I should of kept my opinions to myself, really sorry.

    Peace

     

    don't worry about it, it's fine

  9. Posted · Edited by OpticalLight

    OL I was raised in a similar style to you, life is hard in an alcoholics world, when alcohol is more important than family, bad things get overlooked and it is the innocent that always suffer,

     

    Thanks, it's good to acknowledge that it really was hard. Australia may have a big drinking culture, and I definitely really enjoy drinking myself; but this was not healthy. Once my dad cut a hole in the floor of his bedroom so that he could come home and put his drink under the house, then go up into his room, push a sofa aside and then collect his reward. He also modified furniture, ie cut the bottom out of the bottom drawer of a set of drawers; so he could stand his whiskey up... At the same time you gotta admire the determination and creativity of the guy. Also my mum isn't a drinker and did nag him a lot, (which has at times driven me to try and block her out with substances), but then again she was the one bringing in the only income. But then again she showed him no emotions and they slept in different rooms. But then again he pawned his wedding ring and stole my mums jewellery and money so he could have sex with prostitutes and date a stripper... and took me to the strip club too because my mum paid him to look after me! WTF!! (I only found out from my brother a couple of years ago that he was actually dating her. I was really young too so I wasn't really aware of what was going on, at least he had the decency to not do anything directly in front of me... no he just let me sit in the bar where all the strippers were dancing... WTF again!) And there were pictures of naked women all over the bathroom wall at our house... the guy must have been really fucking deprived of sex and emotional affection, but also a real fucking idiot! It's never simple is it!! How those two stayed together! They did at least keep telling me they both loved me. Staying together for the kid/s...maybe not the best idea...

    I think jabez has a valid argument

     

    I think so too.

    But I don't think my ex is trying to intentionally manipulate me. Although I found out that there weren't any letters beside his bed, and he didn't have a rope; but when he was asked twice if he was serious, once he replied yes and once he replied in-between. He said he didn't know what he was going to do afterwards. He admitted that there was some manipulation, but not intentional.

    He is surrounded by family.

  10. Posted

    Cool song, thanks, had never heard this 'till now. I agree with EG, it is selfish but at the sametime I think he would change it if he knew how, so sort-of selfish but not selfish.

     

    It is a cool song! "Sort-of selfish but not selfish", pretty much sums it up.

  11. Posted

    Hi Optical Light, you absolutely did the right thing. You just cant tolerate such a selfish behaviour. Break ups are hard but some guys have to learn that they cant act like a spoiled brat everytime they dont get what they want. bye Eg

     

    Hi Eg, it feels like I did the right thing in that particular call and the call I had to make afterwards; but the part where I said "do whatever you have to fucking do", hmmm, maybe not so ... but in the heat of the moment, that's what I said. I'm selfish, he's selfish; I think we'll just leave it at that. Break ups are hard, harder on the side which got broken up with though.

  12. Posted

    Jabez I don't think that is what is being said but you are looking from one window and they are at another - you are both seeing the same story from a different angle and it communicates differnetly.

    OL I was raised in a similar style to you, life is hard in an alcoholics world, when alcohol is more important than family, bad things get overlooked and it is the innocent that always suffer, I think jabez has a valid argument - step away from the problem or you will get dragged down with your ex. Any involvement you have will be manipulated by your ex, in a selfish attempt to regain what is lost. If he succeeds, you wont be happy, but if you are still involved and he carries out his promise you wont be happy, If you step away to live your life, even if he does as he has said, you can seperate yourself from this and carry on in pursuit of your happiness. You cannot be accountable for his actions and you should not be abused with his promise of suicide. He is surrounded by family and they can look after him, if it wasn't you I am sure someone else would have copped this same abuse, How old is he <20???

     

    he is 24

  13. Posted · Edited by OpticalLight

    If we were just talking about friends, you'd have a good point. But this is a relationship, not to mention that from what I've read, the whole source of this poor blokes illness was the break up. There for lingering will just make things get worse, imo.

    Also, how's he being selfish? His clearly unwell. If people acted rationally and were a joy to talk to when they were severely depressed, then depression wouldn't even be an issue, would it?

    Fuck me, from what logic do people get the idea that a severely depressed person is just being selfish?

    An opinion of the one rooting his ex, I'm guessing!

     

    My mistake for posting this thread.

    Lingering is bad.

    Good point.

    I am not seeing anyone currently.

    Someone kill this thread.

    • Like 1

  16. Posted · Edited by OpticalLight

    Fair enough.

    But if you truly are at a point where you don't want the dramas anymore, why not change your phone number?

    I mean after 6 years or what ever you said, I personally don't think it would be to big of a sacrifice, just to get it over with and cut the line for good.

    I'm really not having a go at you and I probably shouldn't have said anything. But from being in a very seemingly similar situation (except on the other side) not so long ago, I look back and think, WTF, why would she sit there bitching and moaning about how awful it is to have be hearing about it. Yet not even bother to change her phone number?

    I mean he's probably just in a really dark place, which can make past times seem a lot better, than what they realistically were, he's just depressed, rather than trying to hurt you. If it was about hurting you, I doubt he'd be asking for ya to come back, yeah? If you don't want to know about it, just change your phone number.

    Peace

     

    Unfortunately it's not that simple. My phone isn't even in my name. I am broke and am in debt. I'm not even getting centrelink atm. I suppose I'll have to find $720 and try and get out of the plan. I will then have no internet access where I am moving to and then I will be paying for expensive phone calls.

    My problem is that I don't bitch and moan about anything. I normally keep quiet and try and bear the burden by myself. But I have every right to voice my opinion too.

    I was taught by my parents to be quiet and keep every thing to myself from a young age, my dad was an alcoholic, he would be off his face 4+/7 days each week, and it wasn't a nice sort of drunk.

    _____

    Edit - (I said it wasn't a nice sort of drunk, but that's actually not entirely true. My dad was a kind hearted person, and always treated me right. Maybe even a bit overprotective at times - he would always insist on walking me to the train station or bus stop on the way to school. [Which often lead to some awkward situations where he would be completely off his face and I would have to try and help him stay upright - which wasn't easy because he was tall, and some well to do stranger would be driving past and then stop to try and tell me to get away from that drunken old man - my parents had me later in life]. He was an intelligent and emotionally intelligent person, and I get my personality from him. We spent a lot of time together, playing sports and making things; and there were a lot of happy moments. My mum on the other hand wasn't really able to express her emotions that well, but I think that's just the culture she grew up in. She expressed her love in other ways, such as buying stuff. [Which sometimes pissed my dad off because he would accuse my mum of bribing me - as she had all the money]. Having said that, there were numerous nights were I would fall asleep to the sound of both of them verbally fighting - but my dad would try and ensure that I was asleep before this occurred.

    I really haven't thought about this sort of thing for a very long time, I don't normally think back that far.

    My dad always used to say, "you'll miss me when I'm gone" - and he was right, I really do.

    I did have a happy childhood regardless, and I was sort of left to do my own thing which was good. I guess that's what made it so hard for me when my dad moved on; because the emotional support and encouragement I received from him disappeared. It also didn't help that when my friends and I were at the stage of starting to explore alcohol and other substances, that my mum would try and blame my friends for influencing me - as if I didn't have a mind of my own. I was actually anti-mind altering substances for quite awhile, and my friends were aware of this and it didn't matter to them either way. I think this made it difficult for me to relate to my mum when I was experiencing depression; as my mum put it down to me hanging out with my friends and taking drugs - I wasn't even taking anything then! I think it got to the point where my mum accused me and treated me like I was taking substances so much, that I thought fuck me - I may as well try them!

    _____

    I wasn't allowed to tell anyone, not teachers at school, not friends, I was rarely allowed to have friends over because my mum was afraid of people finding out.

    This happened my whole life up until I was 13. At which time he got so pissed that he was walking down the footpath with his golf club which he used for a walking stick, and there was a car parked across the driveway. He damaged the car with the golf club. Then there was a court case, then he vowed to stop drinking. Then they ran some health checks to try and get him off of the charges because of his mental health. Then they found out he had lung cancer, because fantastically he smoke 40 cigarettes a day as well. Then he only had a couple of months to live. Then he got worse. Then he was in a hospice. Then the alcohol wasn't working for him any more and I wished it still was. Then I would have to wheel him in his wheel chair out to the balcony so he could still have a smoke, and every bump the wheels went over he would be in utter agony. Then I turned 14. Then he died a couple of weeks later.

    What does this have to do with anything? I will bitch and moan however long I want to. I have every right too. I will not be quiet.

    And I will change my phone number. Tax time is coming up soon so that should help.

    I know he's hurting, he is in a really dark place. He is really depressed. I'm really sorry for hurting him. But when he sat me down and told me about the other women he's been with, why wasn't he sure then? Why did it have to come to this? Why aren't I allowed to have time to try and find myself when he made me so confused. This just doesn't help the situation, because I'm confused too.

    I contacted his friend and they are talking to him on phone.

    I'll change my number.

  17. Posted · Edited by OpticalLight

    You should either drop your life and dedicate all your time to getting him healthy again, all just wish him luck and completely walk away. Just kinda being there for him if your not planning on continuing the relationship is the only wrong thing you can do and will just make the problem worse in the end, imo.

     

    Well there's no way I'm going to drop my life, I've just started living my life. Now I'm going to be selfish. I need to be selfish. Or I'll never live for me.

    I hadn't been talking to him for a couple of months and then he called me in the early hours of the morning one day, and he said that calling me was a last resort, and then he explained how he'd been feeling, and that members of his family had recently passed away and that his cousin was in a bad mental state. at the time i was feeling pretty shit myself because i couldn't sleep and was having withdrawals from coming off of some anti-depressants. he said that he hadn't been sleeping and that all he needed was for me to stay on the phone with him until he fell asleep. but he never did, and all i wanted to do was go to sleep myself. i was trying to remain normal on the phone but he kept talking to me for hours and hours and in the end i swore at him and told him that i couldn't take it anymore. and then he said that he was going to stop this and that i shouldn't contact him

    the reason that i was trying to remain normal is that my ex is very anti pharmaceutical drugs and i didn't want to admit to him that i had taken them. i did sent him a text informing him though that i was withdrawing from them

    that was it until a couple of days ago he send me an email about all the good things he appreciates about me and that i'm the centre of his life. then he sent more emails, then he sent me a text wanting to remove the don't call me ban.

    he called me today from a blocked number. i can't ignore every single blocked number ever, my home phone is a private number and my mum doesn't understand how to turn call blocking off per call.

    i just feel sick

    trying not to feel sick

  18. Posted · Edited by OpticalLight

    i hope you dont feel guilty as to how you reacted. i dont know how i would have reacted but i too would be furious. do you feel he wants others to suffer as he is suffering.

     

    i just got off the phone from a counsellor, i feel a lot more together now. i told the counsellor how I reacted and apparently, i did the right thing? i told the counsellor what i said to my ex about calling him selfish ect - and the counsellor said something along the lines of "that's about right, whew you're making me teary", lol.

    does he want me to suffer as he is suffering ... I'm guessing yes.

  19. Posted · Edited by OpticalLight

    I see there was a topic started on this subject at the start of June, here. That thread with that topic name has since been closed. I really don't mind if this thread is closed either but I have to get this out first.

    I am in the process of moving to a state where I know hardly anyone.

    My ex-boyfriend of 6 and a half years just called me. since i broke up with him his mental health has deteriorated greatly. this person is normally a super fit, happy person. doesn't do drugs, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, super confident and very intelligent. but since February he's been a wreck, like waking up in the mornings at 3.30 as a quivering mess. shaking and..

    the point is, i am in sydney atm; and he is in brisbane.

    he just called me, and it was a suicide call. no it wasn't a fake suicide call. it was very real. he told me i had under 3 minutes to take him back or he would hang himself. he told me that the shaking and his mental health was not from him trying to get over me, he said it was from the realization that he wouldn't find someone like me again. he told me that he had written letters and placed them beside his bed and that i now had 30 seconds and that i could tell his family where to find him - in the park

    i screamed at him something along the lines - THAT IS SO FUCKING SELFISH, THAT IS THE MOST FUCKING SELFISH THING YOU CAN DO, ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND, THEN NO, DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO FUCKING DO

    and then i fumbled around with my phone desperately trying to call his mother. desperately hoping that she would pick up in time. she picked up and I was screaming at her to find him , she was saying that he's just been getting worse and worse, she was on the phone to me and she said we found him, just as the phone dropped out. perfect. found him how? just what I need. i called her back and she said his brother went and found him. he is physically okay.

    i really don't what to say, i have never felt so mad, helpless and terrified in my entire life. and it doesn't make me want to get back together with him, if anything it makes me even more furious!

    and now, i am going to call one of those numbers in that pdf in that other thread because i need to speak to a professional counsellor.

  22. Posted

    Freebies = free lemony gingery minty goodness drink, a heavy bag of mulch and some free seeds...

    I saw that store with the 12 for $15 deal, but the free bag of mulch kinda limited me to what I could carry!

    I did pick up a wormwood plant and a mullein plant though.

    Yeah I also didn't make it there until the afternoon. I did go to the cooking a curry demonstration and tried the fish curry which was goood. There was also a very hot prawn curry which I wasn't game enough to try - (I accidentally bought some sort of pasta bake that was coated in chilli when I was in Germany and on a strict budget. I sat there for about half an hour eating it...), but I did take a photo of the prawn curry and then proceeded to laugh at the people who tried it when they were looking for water. :P

  24. Posted

    LMAO @ optical...been there done that what a joke.

     

    Lol. Okay, so I'm going back to Centrelink tomorrow to talk to them about my back pay. I was in the line for centrelink a couple of weeks ago and someone lost it in the queue. I don't want to be "that" person, so I'm just going to go on a bit of a rant now, so I don't do it tomorrow. And I've already done this rant once today, but it does help to write this stuff down.

    I have given Centrelink a copy of my med cert three times. I photocopied the original. I gave them the original. They lost it on their system - the psychologist took a copy of the copy, promising that centrelink would leave me alone and that I wouldn't have to fill out any forms every two weeks. AND THEN, I had to go in there to fill out a form to get my pay because there was no medical cetificate on their system. SO THEY TOOK A PHOTOCOPY OF THE COPY AGAIN. Okay, maybe there is a problem with their documentation system!?!??! Three fucking times though. And what the fuck did they base their original calculations on!? I should most likely print out all of my bank statements again!

    And I have to go in there again because they fucked up by backpay. I have to go in there again.

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

    So from now on I will try and go to Centrelink on Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Thursdays; and in the mornings, when the probability of human error may be reduced?

    Okay. All done.

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