Monogamy - what is it good for?

Anodyne · July 29, 2005

This is something I've been thinking about for years now - and I just wanted to get an idea of what others think about it. Can you only love one person at once? And if you do love someone, should you have any say over what (& who) they do? Does monogamy make people happy, or do they just stick with it because it's socially acceptable, and easier than confronting their own jealousy? I'll post my thoughts on the topic later - I want to see what other people have to say first.

And please, if you have any problems with the range of options I've given in the poll, or just have something you'd like to add to your response, please post about it.

(I've posted the same poll over at EBA)

Anodyne · July 29, 2005

quote:

(I've posted the same poll over at EBA)

Actually, there's one more option on this poll - but they're pretty much the same.

Torsten · July 29, 2005

I think opinions often change depending on life stages and partners. I was in a 3 way relationship and it worked for a while, but then not at all. Didn't stop the fact I loved two people equally though. I've always been in open relationships where the only condition was to tell each other everything about external exploits. I think this latter point reduces or eliminates jealousy.

But for the last few years neither Daniel nor I have felt anything other than monogamy as appropriate. Don't know if it will stay that way, but that's just the phase we are in at the moment.

I think if weren't so hung up about monogamy in our society then we would probably have a lot more honesty in relationships and less break ups.

Other than for sexually transmitted diseases there seems little point in monogamy. Mind you since the arrival of HIV this has been quite a convincing reason.

devance · July 29, 2005

I think it somebody says.

Males run like dogs after a bus {women} before their age forty.

After forty the women run after us.

Darklight · July 29, 2005

Anodyne:
Can you only love one person at once?

Course you can, IMO. Check the fine print... oh, there is no fine print

And if you do love someone, should you have any say over what (& who) they do?

Absolutely not. Why would you want to control someone you respect and love? Of course, and again IMO when in any kind of relationship you should react with kindness and consideration for the other person, which might well include taking their feelings into consideration

Does monogamy make people happy, or do they just stick with it because it's socially acceptable,

Are we talking theoretical monogamy here or real monogamy. Most people theoretically agree with monogamy but practice falls short of the reality. What people think is a very very different field to what it is they actually do

I reckon monogamy makes some people happy, and some of those actually manage to live by their own standards and beliefs. Ditto for any of the other zillion type of relationship structures that are out there in the world.

I'm nearly 40 and in my first strictly monogamous relationship. The fact that its the happiest I've ever been isn't directly linked to monogamy at all, that's a decision we both made and respect. At this point in my life with my work being so busy I feel I can best offer my wonderful partner my attention by focussing on her rather than the whole drama of shuffling around multiple responsibilities and prioritising my time between partners blah blah. I'm as happy as the proverbial with this choice; earlier in my life it wouldn't have suited me a bit, but now it's very right

One of the things you don't hear about non-monogamous relationships too often is that they can be fairly heavy on the administrative side, specially if you're going for the polyfidelity bit. It can be hard maintaining a really worthwhile sex life as promised in the brochures when you have to run around co-ordinating who picks kids up from school, who is having a crisis, who is seeing so-and-so off to the airport and trying to work out what part you should play in the argument one of your partners is having with another one where while you're not directly involved a fourth person is directly attributing to you anyhow

Monogamy can be a poor cover for overt control, diminishing emotional creativity and causing emotional laziness, fostering an environment of deceit and double standards. But so can any bad relationship in any form... one of the disadvantages of non-monogamy IMO is that it is bloody time consuming, and the complex options of language and form gives some people a lot more space to behave like absolute jerks and justify it in the most bizarre and complex and awfully high falutin' ways

Shit, it's hard enough finding one decent person, and time consuming enough making sure your own life and relationship runs as smoothly as possible. The addition of an extra person or persons exponentially increases the chances that things will be difficult. Which isn't to say they will, but its definitely worth consideration

Horses for courses I suppose, people's needs and priorities change over time. Why limit yourself to a single structure based on yet another flailing paradigm? To me, fidelity in a relationship isn't as important as being able to trust and respect my partner as well as love them- and being able to discuss issues evenly and fairly when they arise

Rev · July 29, 2005

quote:

Shit, it's hard enough finding one decent person, and time consuming enough making sure your own life and relationship runs as smoothly as possible.

too fkn true boss

When i was a young lad i was torn between crushes on

people i didnt truly know and screwing anything that stayed still long enough, u know the desire to taste very flavour of special favour n all that

when i actually wanted a real relationship i realise ist very hard to find somebody whos both interesting and malleable (cos youve got to grow together somewhat)

i got lucky.

I look around and see that most young females i meet are just not interesting to me on the intellectual and philosphical level and that most older females are too inflexible to want to take on board my crazy ideas. Its a generalisation but it comes close.

I would think that between 24 and 30 is a good time to hook up if youre thinking of doin themonogamous family type deal

b4 24 i was too wild and after 30 ive noticed people get more set in their ways - they like their life and dont want to compromise

[ 29. July 2005, 10:44: Message edited by: Rev ]

-YT- · July 29, 2005

I look around and see that most young females i meet are just not interesting to me on the intellectual and philosphical level and that most older females are too inflexible to want to take on board my crazy ideas. [/QB]

Nice wording Rev

nabraxas · July 30, 2005

agree pretty much w/everything folks have said.

i think young people (under 25yrs say) have a need to "taste every flavour of special favour n all that"; it would have been hard for me to remain faithful to anyone for long---i used to fall in love/lust 'at the drop ov a hat' especially in spring

however as i got older i found my 'flings' were turning into relationships & starting to last. i found this situation to be alot more fulfilling---& a lot more heart wrenching when they ended.

i got lucky & met a wonderful Aussie gal. we've been married for over 10 years, & i love the idea ov us growing old together.

should you have any say over what (& who) they do? ---basically no, but if you find out they've developed a problem that they are unaware ov, or unwilling to admit to; then something should be done---i mean if you find your partner has developed a destructive addiction to booze, heroin, gambling etc.

i just quit smoking tobacco, & forced my wife to do so as well---she really didn't want to & we had some big fights. but now she's very grateful, because she doesn't goto bed wheezing or wake up coughing up black shit---which was what inspired me to give up--listening to her hacking cough---when friends heard it they would be appalled--"it's just my throat" she'd try & convince them/herself.

i realise i impinged on her rights as an individual, but it was done for her benefit, because i love her too much to see her coughing up black shit every day.

i think Americans call it "tough love".

gomaos · July 30, 2005

think it somebody says.

Males run like dogs after a bus {women} before their age forty.

After forty the women run after us.

well maybe if you got a house, money, nice car, something they want.

I find the opposite to be true.

When I was under 50, I was almost always in a relationship.

Afterwards: Null, zero.

Like in the Simpsons:

Old Abe gets plenty of flusies as long as he drives them around in a car...

when the car is taken off him, same thing: Nothing.

Damn flusies....

caludia · July 30, 2005

re: monogamy

personally, as a male, of course i have fantasies all the time of many women

but my wife has made it clear to me that she would be crushed if i ever acted on one of those fantasies.

therefore even though "playing around" does sound fun, i care for my wife way too much to hurt her like that.

maybe there are other kinds of women who don't mind having men playing around with other women. My wife said she was like that, initially.... but that soon changed

i am lucky, i can control my urges and i have other things that fascinate me in this world besides boobs. If i didn't have other fascinations, and if i had a dead end job and a feeling of worthlessness, i'd play around for sure, because i'd need the stimulation.

Stimulation comes in many forms - intellectual, sexual, whatever.

and i find stimulation in learning & in the Universe. So i'm lucky. Plus i love my wife.

nabraxas · July 30, 2005

also meant to add abit about 'swingers'.

i've known a few couples who were into the whole 'swapping' scene. very few were able to manage it. those that did -- ov the people i knew (i really need to stress that this is only from a group ov about 6 couples, so not really representative ov ALL swingers)-- seemed to have a very casual relationship---close, but not deep.

Rev · July 30, 2005

quote:

i am lucky, i can control my urges and i have other things that fascinate me in this world besides boobs. If i didn't have other fascinations, and if i had a dead end job and a feeling of worthlessness, i'd play around for sure, because i'd need the stimulation.

man i couldnt have said it better myself

oh.. and living in the country helps too...

The flatness of the surrounding landscape strongly

selects in favour of monogamy - unless you like toothless leatherskined old hilljillys

[ 01. August 2005, 09:42: Message edited by: Rev ]

wandjina · August 2, 2005

these posts are heartening...here i was feeling like an insecure freak for choosing the 'monogamy for me option' :rolleyes:

I strongly agree with you DL, multiple partners can be problematic, it seems easy for some people to overlook the practical side of these kind of arrangements. And I get a warm fuzzy feeling reading about the devotion and loyalty of the other respondants....ahhhh

Or are we just getting old? *LOL*

I can't really empathise though because for the first time in my life I can honestly say that i'm happy alone (well, not alone, I have a 5 yr old)...but I've never been so content being single.

And wouldn't you know it...potential partners coming out of the woodwork left right and centre.

Why is it that when you're feeling lonely and want a hug there's no one around, but when you don't really give a shit because you're happy with yourself...ha!

It's like when you give something up, say herb, and at the same time there's not been much around anyway. But wouldn't you know it, you get clean and then there's a glut.

C'est la vie

Anodyne · August 2, 2005

Dammit, I didn't realise I wouldn't be able to check the results - can the next person to vote please post what they are at the moment, so I don't have to skew the results by voting again?