Jokes!

[paradox]

why do women wear makeup & perfume?

cause they're ugly & they stink

[etherealdrifter]

a drifter walks into a desert deserted bar and sits down next to a solemn looking dude.

They both acknowledge each other's existence with a solitary raising of an eyebrow

the drifter says"

Oi, give me and my new friend a round of tequila y cerveza mas fina ....por favor senor.

The dirty ol bartender slides the drinks towards the drifter ...

"err he re for you sir and....the donkey to yous left senor.

What!

the drifter looks at the bar tender then at the loner sitting next to him and after a while, shrugs his shoulders at the bar tender but stares him down a vicious nasty look .

Rounds of beer and tequila keep coming out as each hombre keep shouting each a round......but each time the drink goes to the loner sitting next to the drifter ,the bar tender calls him donkey.

Finally after countless rounds and some marching powder courage- the drifter says to the loner

"hey mang, har ju just going to sit dare and let this bendejo speak to ju like dis??!!

the loner at the end of the bar just sighed and exhaled...

heehaw heehaw heehawalway's calls me that.

[Bigred]

[Bigred]

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

[bℓσωηG]

Q. what do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? A. well hung

[irabionist]

How did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing a seatbelt. (lol sorry)

[Sallubrious]

I was going to post this in PH's thread -swap/energy exchange but I've already degraded that thread enough so I'll post it here.

Is anyone old enough to remember the old pre-internet days when people would put personal ads in the local newspaper to try to score a root.

One time for a joke I put this in the Newspaper and got almost 20 replies

Bald headed, chain smoking, toothless, myopic dwarf with bad breath B.O. and drink problem seeks tall blonde with GSOH

[bℓσωηG]

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women’s deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you’re fucking ugly!

[cactuscarl]

Ow Dianna jokes we're going there are we

What was the last thing on the radio when she died

Her brains

What was the last thing that went through her mind

The dashboard

[cactuscarl]

What has four legs and has a dick half way up its back

A police mans horse

[swampjrass]

How do you separate the men from the boys in Queensland ....

With a crowbar

[Halcyon Daze]

What did Dodi Fayed say when he left the party with princess Diana?

"Who wants to come with me and Di?"

Edited October 19, 2013 by Halcyon Daze

[Sallubrious]

A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent

1 Bar of soap

3 individual servings of yogurt

2 oranges

1 stick of women’s deodorant.

She then goes to the check out line.

Cashier: Oh, you must be single

Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?

Cashier: No, you’re fucking ugly!

I went into a local fruitshop one time and the fruito was the kind of bloke that could take the piss in such a manner that no-one would would ever take offence.

One time I was in the shop and a woman came in and bought a cucumber a banana and a zuccini, when she took it the register to pay for it he asked her.

So hubbies working away again ?

[Halcyon Daze]

A Melbourne radio station conducted a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing public moment in a listener’s life. Here are the final four...

4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy & started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust & annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye & said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy’s Willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity & walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t make time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend & I were frozen on the spot in a state of shocked embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' & replied in a business like tone, his voice booming back over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you knock in with a hammer?

...& the winner is... 1st Place.
This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand & asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that’s correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books & without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue & not in the back of your throat'.

[_Cursive]

What's the difference between onions and whores?

I cry when I cut onions.

[~shameless~]

I'm gonna have a go, (iv had a few bear wit me)

Fridge, woman, microwave, oven

What's the odd one out?

The microwave

The others leak when their fucked

[_Cursive]

2 pregnant ladies are knitting jumpers. One says to the other,
"I hope mines a boy, I'm using blue wool".

The other replies,
"I hope mines a spastic, I fucked the arms up".

[_Cursive]

How many A.D.D kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let's go ride our bikes!

[Bigred]

Q How do you make Tony Abbott taller

A give him a Viagra

[_Cursive]

A man walks up to his wife with a sheep under his arms. He says, "Honey, this the pig I've been fucking when you're not around".
The wife replies, "That's not a pig, that's a sheep!"
The man replies, "I was talking to the sheep".

Edited November 4, 2013 by JT_NZ

[Nemisty]

Whats better than eating a madarin?

Eating amanda out.

[etherealdrifter]

what did the key wee say to the jew

hebrew

[Sallubrious]

An old woman with dementia rings her son in a state of distress.

She tells him that she is upset because she can't finish her new jigsaw puzzle which is ridiculously difficult.

Her son asks what is the puzzle supposed to be when it's finished and she tells him that there is a chicken on the box.

OK I see says the son, put the kettle on and make yourself a nice cup of tea and I'll come over.

So the mother makes the tea and when the son arrives she asks

What should we do now ?

Drink the tea and then we'll put all the corn flakes back in the box.

[Bigred]

I was going to post this in PH's thread -swap/energy exchange but I've already degraded that thread enough so I'll post it here.

Is anyone old enough to remember the old pre-internet days when people would put personal ads in the local newspaper to try to score a root.

One time for a joke I put this in the Newspaper and got almost 20 replies

Bald headed, chain smoking, toothless, myopic dwarf with bad breath B.O. and drink problem seeks tall blonde with GSOH

My mate played a joke on me so i thought i pay him back

I used to live on russel island and i put a ad up at the ferry saying

sensitive Swedish massage

done by young cute male

guaranteed happy ending

50 h/r incalls 70 hr out calls

sorry ladies MEN ONLY

call day or night

Within 2 hours of me putting it up he got his first call .He got a lot of calls lmfao

it sent him crazy

he seemed to have a lot more money after that (joking)

[gtarman]