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TommyChesnutt

Jokes!

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So a duck walks into a bar, and says to the barman,

"hey, you got any bread?"

The barman shakes his head no.

says the duck, "well, listen... what about, just some old, stale bread?"

The barman says "look, duck, i don't have any bread, capiche?"

The duck says "alright alright, look... how about some crumbs, or crusts, or dough -" "look duck -" says the barman,

"you ask me about bread one more time and i'm gonna shoot you in the face."

"okay." says the duck. "do you have a gun, then?"

"no i don't." says the barman.

"I see... so do you have any bread?"

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We need more jokes, guys !

Give me some of your good ones.. B)

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Tony Abbott is the Prime Minister-elect of Australia

edit: sorry just read that you wanted good ones

Edited by glimpse
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Why are all Liberal supporters like gay choirboys?

Because they asked to be fucked by the Abbott

Edited by whitewind

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ooo0o0oooo, BURN!!!, want some ice for that Abbott? lol

(made me laugh, anyways)

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two guys walked into a bar......the third guy ducked sorry

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting on a park bench when a liitle boy skipped past them whistling with joy.

The priest got a glimmer in his eye and looked towards the rabbi and said in an excited voice

Let's screw him

The rabbi looked back with a confused look on his face and asked

Out of what ?

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hahaha... ahhh that was good. ^

What did the deaf, dumb and blind paraplegic get for christmas?

...cancer.

(sorry)

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Why didn't the kitten drink the milk?

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.Because it's head was nailed to the floor :(

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Tim tom and tarren go on a cruise half way through the boat sinks but lucky they wash up on a desert island. They build a camp and catch some food and after a while they, you know start doing what come naturally ;-)

a few months pass and tarren starts to feel bad about what she's doing, you know having sex with Tim and tom so she kills herself. After a few months the boys move on and build there camp up better and you know start doing what come naturally ;-)

After a few months the boys feel bad about what they are doing

so they bury tarren

lol

Edited by cactuscarl
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Jana Wendt did a story for 60 minutes on the Indians of America.

When she arrived in the reservation she was greeted by a young man wearing a head band with a solitary feather poking up behind his head.
Intrigued she felt compelled to ask him what the feather represented. He looked a bit embarrassed but eventually he told her that it meant he'd had sex with 1 squaw.

Then she was introduced to an older middle aged Indian brave wearing a head dress that had 4 feathers protruding up behind his head.
To try and verify what the first Indian had told her about his feather she asked the man what the feathers meant.
He replied with a confused look on his face that he had slept with 4 different squaws.

Then she looked over at the village Chief and saw that his head dress had too many feathers for her to even estimate how many there might be.
So to be 100% certain she decided to ask the Chief when it came time to interview him.

The Chief replied with a direct no bullshit reply when asked what the feathers represent.
One feather - one fuck.
So Jana asked why he had so many feathers
Me fuck 'em all replied the Chief
Fat, skinny, short, tall - me fuck 'em all
Offended by his response Jana replied
You pig !

Pig, cow, horse, sheep - me fuck 'em all
Oh dear !
Replied a shocked Jana
No fuck deer - run too fast, cunt too high
No fuck deer.

Edited by SallyD
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An Irishman is on a game fishing holiday in the Pacific ocean when a freak wave from a distant cyclone capsizes the cruiser he is on killing everyone except himself.

After many hours at sea he was washed onto a beach of a small isolated island. Exhausted he dragged himself past the water line and fell asleep on the beach.

A few hours later he is woken by the native islanders standing around him and pointing spears at him. So he surrenders and is taken to see the Chief of the island.

The Chief tells him he has two choices, either he could chose to die now or partake in the test of the three huts and if he fails the test he would also be killed.

So naturally he chooses the test of the three huts. Then the Chief explained to him that the in each hut there is a task that must be completed and he has a time limit of 1 hour in each hut.

In the first hut there is a 1 gallon keg of rum and he must drink the entire contents of the keg.
In the second hut there is a lion with a rotten tooth and he must remove the tooth from the suffering beast.
In the third hut was the Chiefs daughter who was the most beautiful girl on the island. She says she has never been satisfied by a man. His task is to satisfy her womanly desires.

So he entered the first hut and a timer is started. 59 minutes later he staggers out of the hut & triumphantly tosses the empty keg towards the onlooking villagers to a round of applause and cheers ringing out around the island.

Then he cautiously opened the door of the second hut and stood in the doorway scratching his head & trembling visibly at the knees. After a while the Chief gave a grunt and a nod to two of the guards and the Irishman was prodded with spears and guided into the the second hut.

Then complete silence fell over the island for almost three minutes and the islanders were starting to think that the man must have fallen victim to the beast inside the hut.
All off a sudden there was an almighty roar and the Irishman exploded out of the hut in a cloud of dust and straw and other debris from inside the hut. He was traveling faster than his feet could carry him and after about 8 steps he fell over & slid face first to a grinding halt in dirt.

He got up, brushed himself off and started surveying the damage. His shirt was torn, he had cuts and scratches all over his face and body and one of his ears was gone.

Then he turned to the Chief and asked.
So where's this lady with the sore tooth?

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A pirate walks into a bar and fronts up to the barkeep.

"ARGGGHHH, a flagon orv ya finest Jamaican rum........and ye best be quick ya scurvy huggn,land lurvn varment"

the barkeep having been around the block a few times himself and not shy says to the ol'salty,

"Look here ya maggot, i don't mind your seaworthy banter.......but.........tell me ..........why the fuck do you have a rather ,large steering wheel jammed down the front of ye pantaloons?"

A forlorn look instantly befell the landlocked pirate and staring down at his groin he replied,

"Arrrgggghhhhhhh! eye eye......it's driving me nuts!"

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Bump

come on ppl there must be thousands of good joker out there lets hear some.

There is two blokes lost in the desert, starving and dehydrated they come across an oasis. They are greeted by armed guards and taken to the king. The king explains that to stay in his oasis they must each go out and pick ten of there favorite fruit from his garden and come back for "the test". The first guy comes back with a hand full of cherries, the chief then says he must stick them up his arse. The guy thinks this is an unusually request but fearing death if his banished he obliges. He gets about half of them up there when he suddenly pisses himself laughing. The chief surprised at his reaction asks what's so funny, he replies ha ha old mates out there picking pineapples.

Not the best I know but I've forgotten more joker than I remember. If you can do better lets hear it.

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How do you know when a moth farts?

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It flies straight for three seconds.

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Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

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Because it raises their spirits!

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One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying,"Fuck this," "Fuck that."

The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."

"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest."

Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Well tell him to get the fuck out and push!!!"

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I am done here, or I am going to get carried away :D

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How's about the Aussie lady who got into a fight with a Indian women and strached the dot of her head and won a falcon !

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What about shithouse humour ?

Are we too refined for that here ?

I can't help myself whenever I go into a freshly painted toilet, for some reason I'm compelled to do it - it's a sickness :innocent_n:

First you are going to need two different coloured pens or textas. You write the first verse on one day and then come back the next day or a few days later and write the retort below it with a different coloured pen.

The painters' work was all in vain

The shithouse poet has struck again

Shithouse poet you're out of luck

The painters here don't give a fuck

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Here are two jokes that I made up.

What does a prawn and a Chinese man squashed by a piano have in common?

They're both crushed asians/crustaceans (say it out loud).

Whats the difference between a white man committing murder and a black man committing murder?

About 10 years.

Edited by OPP
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The seven dwarves go to rome and while there they go to see the pop. when they get there the pop says what's troubling you my sons? Dopey pipes up and says I'm looking for a dwarf nun. The pop explains there are no dwarf nuns at the Vatican. Which starts the other dwarves giggling. dopey then asks well what about in Rome the pop replies sorry dopey no dwarf nuns in all of Rome, this starts all the other dwarves

laughing out loud. Then dopey says well what about Europe? The pop says look dopey there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world, this sends all the other dwarfs into hysterics. The pop confused by there laughter asks what's so funny? Through the laugher one dwarf manages to spit out ba ha ha dopey fucked a penguin.

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Why is the Ocean wet?

Because the Sea weed!

One of my favourites :D

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^^^ the worst joke ever told ^^^

How did the kiwi find the sheep in the long grass?

Pleasurable

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Q Why do women fake orgasms

A They think we care

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