Think it's over?...

[Illustro]

Me'n my GF had a pretty up'n down relationship the last year or so...long story short, we had a 'summer love' a few summers ago now, and due to the different universities we study at, have been in a long distance relationship since. It's been tough, a massive roller coaster ride...tears, tantrums, semi-break ups, cheating (both of us); all the fun stuff...thought she was worth it, but I'm worn right down now, it simply pains me to keep this up. I've been more and more of an asshole to her, which I hate, but I just can't help but be so frustrated. Part of me really fucking loves her for some fundamental and rare qualities, another part has serious doubts about her, and another is completely tired of the drama of being long-distance. ...I think I finally turned her off, she sent a really sweet, but annoyingly naive email nearly two months ago, I took nearly a week to send her a short grumpy reply. Since then I've only heard a couple times from her (after me prompting her, and she usually emails me once a day), she was super positive and happy in her short replies...but almost too happy. She disabled her FB page around the same time also. ...So I assume we're off, she just doesn't want to say it. About 1/4 of me is kinda sad that it may be over, but the rest is totally ecstatic...feels like I've dropped such a massive burden! Never thought I'd be so sincerely happy over it; its strange, the feeling is almost spiritual, feels like a massive storm cloud that's been darkening my world for the last two years is gone. But, I don't wanna rock her boat any more, just wanna let our relationship fade away, let her move on gently; so that means I don't wanna email her and bluntly ask if we're over (or is that a really bad 'guy mistake?'). So, before I move on fully in my head, would y'all think that given the circumstances, we're unofficially broken up?

[incognito]

There's always three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth. Sounds like you've made your mind up that it's an unhealthy relationship Nd that your looking to move forward.

[altenate]

They are very wise words Incog in relation to the 3 sides!! I so can relate to that.

[incognito]

In my experience arriving at that truth is the journey in which real growth, self development and realisation can be achieved, it's easier said than done of course, but as they say, the truth will set you free.

[Scarecrow]

i wouldn't say "unofficially broken up" just yet, but I'd agree that it sounds like it's getting to the point where the best move is for both of you to just move on.

[bogfrog]

Ummm yeah i would clarify it with her. Its likely to be mutural is you say she's stopped contacting you, but i think its pretty important to actually speak to her and tell her that you dont feel its working out for either of you, so its only right that you part ways for good and both have an opportunity to find what you're really looking for.

I can see your logic trying to avoid un-necessary drama but personally i would be really hurt if someone 'mentally broke up' with me without having the courage to tell me that was the case.

Atleast then you can both move on clearly understanding where you're both at.

I wanna say i'm glad for you becuase you say you feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders, but remember that you can feel sad too, don't get stuck to the idea that she meant nothing to you because no matter how dysfunctional you were as a couple, you were still an important part of each other's journey thus far, and that needs to be respected and not bluffed off as a waste of time.

We learn more from the situations that go pear shaped and drive us half mad than the easy parts of life.

All the best brother. Catch up soon.

Edited June 1, 2013 by bogfrog

[Illustro]

Incog: now I think about it, I really have grown so much from this experience, especially as she was my first serious long-term GF. I've grown in too many ways to list, but I guess the key one's sadly kinda cynical, is that love really is just an emotion; I am amazed at how much I thought I loved her but how well...easily...this emotion blanched. Kinda feel embarrassed at myself for letting my emotions deceive me. I always so strongly believed and pined for 'the one'; this girl totally wasn't it, knew it from the beginning, yet somehow I spent over a year trying to convince myself otherwise.

Bog: I think you're right. I'd split up with her right now if I knew she'd be OK, but she's homesick in a foreign city and at least until recently, she was ridiculously in love with me. She's got no family or BFF support over there, I'm just scared she might do something crazy if she's not prepared for the finality and actuality of it. Given that information, still think I should break it now? Ooh yeah, I am definitely sad, no denying, there's things about her I'll always love and miss, the fact she was really into my crazy plant collection being one. And she taught me a lot. I will always cherish what we shared, I won't ever try and discount it, I'm really not that kinda guy. But the relief was real, and I think it actually stems from this, from myself being too emotionally involved; I invest myself emotionally into everything way too much for me to handle sometimes. I think about things way more than I should.

Thanks Yup, totes gotta catchup!

Thanks errone! This has actually helped me clear my head space more than I thought. Now to try and let her down gently.

[Scarecrow]

Incog: now I think about it, I really have grown so much from this experience, especially as she was my first serious long-term GF. I've grown in too many ways to list, but I guess the key one's sadly kinda cynical, is that love really is just an emotion; I am amazed at how much I thought I loved her but how well...easily...this emotion blanched. Kinda feel embarrassed at myself for letting my emotions deceive me. I always so strongly believed and pined for 'the one'; this girl totally wasn't it, knew it from the beginning, yet somehow I spent over a year trying to convince myself otherwise.

Bog: I think you're right. I'd split up with her right now if I knew she'd be OK, but she's homesick in a foreign city and at least until recently, she was ridiculously in love with me. She's got no family or BFF support over there, I'm just scared she might do something crazy if she's not prepared for the finality and actuality of it. Given that information, still think I should break it now? Ooh yeah, I am definitely sad, no denying, there's things about her I'll always love and miss, the fact she was really into my crazy plant collection being one. And she taught me a lot. I will always cherish what we shared, I won't ever try and discount it, I'm really not that kinda guy. But the relief was real, and I think it actually stems from this, from myself being too emotionally involved; I invest myself emotionally into everything way too much for me to handle sometimes. I think about things way more than I should.

Thanks Yup, totes gotta catchup!

Thanks errone! This has actually helped me clear my head space more than I thought. Now to try and let her down gently.

Might be a good idea to wait until she's a bit more settled and with friends/family to support her. Is she on holiday or something? It'd be just plain rude to ruin her holiday. Wait until she gets back I guess, just prepare yourself in the meantime.

[quarterflesh]

and my post mysteriously vanishes..................

[Scarecrow]

and my post mysteriously vanishes..................

 

[bogfrog]

Bog: I think you're right. I'd split up with her right now if I knew she'd be OK, but she's homesick in a foreign city and at least until recently, she was ridiculously in love with me. She's got no family or BFF support over there, I'm just scared she might do something crazy if she's not prepared for the finality and actuality of it. Given that information, still think I should break it now? Ooh yeah, I am definitely sad, no denying, there's things about her I'll always love and miss, the fact she was really into my crazy plant collection being one. And she taught me a lot. I will always cherish what we shared, I won't ever try and discount it, I'm really not that kinda guy. But the relief was real, and I think it actually stems from this, from myself being too emotionally involved; I invest myself emotionally into everything way too much for me to handle sometimes. I think about things way more than I should.

Thanks Yup, totes gotta catchup!

Thanks errone! This has actually helped me clear my head space more than I thought. Now to try and let her down gently.

Given that information... I feel contorted even just thinking about it :s

If you really dont think she is emotionally/ mentally stable enough to take it, maybe hold off a while.

I'm torn. And to be honest i'm probably not the best provider of advice given the difficult intricacies and issues of my own relationship, i see some definate parallels, anyway.

On one hand, she could be more adversely affected by not knowing than knowing, in that case she has no idea for the need to build or strengthen her other support systems and relationships, thinking she'll always have you there to comfort her.

Yet being dumped (apparently, it hasnt happened to me yet i've always been the dumper) really deeply hurts and affects your self esteem and your perception of who you are and what you are capable of.

Ideally the best outcome would be to find out she is feeling the same and then you can both part ways with ego and self esteem in tact.

I think the best thing is to just talk to her. Not with the intention to dropping it on her like a tonne of bricks but just to gauge her feelings and level of attatchment/commitment to you and proceed (with caution) from there.

Those kind of talks also lead people to jump to conclusions.. And if you're not 100% certain what you want or if she is ready to deal with it WATCH WHAT YOU SAY very VERY carefully. It is very, very hard to put the pieces back together when you have effectively broken someone's heart. Trust me i speak from experience on this one.

[bogfrog]

and my post mysteriously vanishes..................

Illustro triple posted by accident. Theres two more threads the same and your post is in one of them.