Fluss Posted December 14, 2012 Hello everybody! I had a wild discussion with my friends last night over a matter that's quite trivial but I'd like to get everybodys opinion on it. It is shortly summarized with me saying that I consciously choosing or retain myself from thinking of another woman who or whose man/husband i have enough respect for. Some very close friends and a role model of mine since long for example, and a old friend of mine, but in general all my _real_ female friends. Their side is shortly summarized with: Me not being able to tell the difference between a thought and reality, that the thought doesn't hurt anyone if it stays within yourself (i don't disagree with that) And that it's not a real genuine thought. I'm basically doing it because I see it as iv'e done something wrong (because they would be upset if they knew) the only thing that doesn't make it come out as wrong is they not knowing. They feel that nothing wrong is being made, because of the fact that the other one wont ever find out about it. Therefore wont ever be negatively affected by it. PLEASE tell me what you do/think about this, how high you value respect, how close one must be to you for you to not think about her and feel more then free to fill in other stuff. I value respect incredibly high and i think that might be why or that none of my friends have had an own girl for 4 years so.. maybe that's why, or that they don't have anyone in their life which they have enough respect for? I can look a man straighter in his eyes if I haven't, than if I would have fantasized about his wife at some point. You might understand why we discussed this for almost three hours last night. Excuse my - probably weird - way of expressing myself if something is unclear or so just shout it out since I'm not that familiar with writing in English. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bigred Posted December 14, 2012 it depends a lot on what is going on are you atracted to your partner , do you see it as a taboo , my ex had a bad habit of doing it , like say for instance her mum's new boyfriend she will want to fuck him straight away (she is one crazy bitch) and she would always talk about what sex would be like with other people and it really offended me i think about a lot of people but when im having sex i always think about that person Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ballzac Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) Interesting. I was discussing this exact topic with my girlfriend the other day. For me, it is not so much about respect. It just personally seems weird to me to think about the partner of a friend like that. It depends on who I am closer to though. If I have been friends with a guy for a while and then they meet a woman who they introduce to me, I do not even feel the slightest attraction to them, not even involuntarily. But I have had plenty of female friends who I've been attracted to, and if they meet a man and I become chummy with him, it will not bother me to still think about her sexually. I was actually expecting this thread to be about the ethics of thinking about others when you're having sex with your partner, which I think most people do. I definitely do that, but it doesn't diminish the attraction I feel towards my girlfriend. One of our friend's in particular I've wanted to root since we met her, and thoughts of her have provided plenty of 'help' over the past few years In fact, I have offered my services many times but she has always declined, though I did get her to show me her tits one time. ETA: They were really nice Edited December 15, 2012 by ballzac Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rabelais Posted December 15, 2012 The closer I am to a male friend, the less likely I am to think of their partner sexually, definitely. Not sure of the reasoning, and I wonder if my way of thinking is in the minority since it seems screwing friend's partners is a common occurance....or so it seems. On a side note, I remember reading about a study years ago where heterosexual men were asked what they fantasize about most while masturbating. It basically went that men mostly liked to fantasize of women who they know in everyday life, especially women with power eg, their boss, 8th grade teacher, doctor etc. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Bowser Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) Not sure of the ethical implications, but I think about others all the time. Sometimes I have to think of really old/decrepit or enormously fat chicks to keep from busting too quickly... More to the point... I think fantasizing about others when you're in the throws isn't a big deal unless you are calling your parter the wrong name or telling them after the fact "oh by the way, I was thinkin about defiling your best friend's ass, what do you think about that?" There are always those "open" relationships where partners are ok with seeing (sexing) other people. I imagine fantasizing about others in this case wouldn't be a big deal at all. Like Rabelias, I wouldn't fantasize about banging a close friend's partner though... just seems to be inviting jealousy and make things weird. I'd be more inclined to fantasizing about my partner's friend LOL or some chick from years ago I banged with the perfect tits/ass/legs/head/whatever or maybe just that hot chick never got down with Edited December 15, 2012 by Mr. Bowser 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Auxin Posted December 15, 2012 Mr. B's practice may have unintended consequences. He's training his mind to equate wizened old ladies with great sex. Tho I imagine his next girlfriend will be quite pleased. Personally I think fantasizing about girls you know is only bad if it manifests social problems, tension, or dissatisfaction with your real partner as a result. Being perceptive enough to be aware of any such problems as they begin to arise is the tricky bit, tho. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bogfrog Posted December 15, 2012 Their side is shortly summarized with: Me not being able to tell the difference between a thought and reality, that the thought doesn't hurt anyone if it stays within yourself (i don't disagree with that) And that it's not a real genuine thought. I'm basically doing it because I see it as iv'e done something wrong (because they would be upset if they knew) the only thing that doesn't make it come out as wrong is they not knowing. They feel that nothing wrong is being made, because of the fact that the other one wont ever find out about it. Therefore wont ever be negatively affected by it. Its hard not to consider it as some kind of thought-crime when you are the guilty party. Just don't convince yourself that you are a bad person over it, concious and unconcious minds wander, its likely just a sign of some unresolved and stagnated issues that are asking to be faced. Its good that you have made a commitment out of respect and your mates and their girls should appreciate it and feel more comfortable around you for it. I have never thought sexually of friends or friends partners while having sex but i have had some trips around groups of friends and sometimes i've let myself entertain ideas in my mind at the time. As your mates said it never hurts anyone if it stays in your mind but the problem is your behaviour inadvertadly changes and if you start subtlely flirting or anything while in a group of people who are all in a heightened state of awareness, its not just in your mind anymore and people can get hurt very easily. And all these different sources tell us that our thoughts create the reality we experience, so we actually do have to be careful about the way you think. A negative thought could likely hurt someone as much as a rude comment if they feel it instead of hear it. I think talking to your partner and being open and honest about the feelings you are having is the best path. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Bowser Posted December 15, 2012 Mr. B's practice may have unintended consequences. He's training his mind to equate wizened old ladies with great sex. Tho I imagine his next girlfriend will be quite pleased. I've always loved the cougars , especially Asian ones.... tho that looks alot like my last one with the great head Personally I think fantasizing about girls you know is only bad if it manifests social problems, tension, or dissatisfaction with your real partner as a result. Being perceptive enough to be aware of any such problems as they begin to arise is the tricky bit, tho. Agreed Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ballzac Posted December 15, 2012 I think fantasizing about others when you're in the throws isn't a big deal unless you are calling your parter the wrong name or telling them after the fact "oh by the way, I was thinkin about defiling your best friend's ass, what do you think about that?" Calling out the wrong name would be awkward unless you'd agreed on roleplay beforehand, but I have no problem letting my girlfriend know who I was thinking about, if she asks. I think the only problem may be when you're getting blowjobs, or other 'favours', because your partner is putting in all the hard work and someone else is getting the credit 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Bowser Posted December 15, 2012 Calling out the wrong name would be awkward unless you'd agreed on roleplay beforehand, but I have no problem letting my girlfriend know who I was thinking about, if she asks. Yea establishing hard/soft boundaries and safewords is always a good idea with roleplay and rough play. Your girl will ask? That's tits! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shortly Posted December 15, 2012 More to the point... I think fantasizing about others when you're in the throws isn't a big deal unless you are calling your parter the wrong name or telling them after the fact "oh by the way, I was thinkin about defiling your best friend's ass, what do you think about that?" There are always those "open" relationships where partners are ok with seeing (sexing) other people. I imagine fantasizing about others in this case wouldn't be a big deal at all. Nope its still poor form to be thinking about your girlfriend when your with your wife or vise versa. Its important to be with the partner your with. Unless of course your with them both. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ballzac Posted December 15, 2012 Its important to be with the partner your with. In what sense do you mean "important"? Some might argue that it's more fulfilling for the individual to be 'present' in everything they do in life, including sex. As far as ethics go though, if everyone's cool with everything, then I don't see a problem with any of it. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
quarterflesh Posted December 15, 2012 il root anything if it looks at me the right way. 3 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chilli Posted December 15, 2012 I have imagined rooting just about anything, but I generally don't imagine people I actually know during sex. Maybe some porn scene if I can tell it's over for her and I still don't feel close. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shortly Posted December 15, 2012 In what sense do you mean "important"? Some might argue that it's more fulfilling for the individual to be 'present' in everything they do in life, including sex. As far as ethics go though, if everyone's cool with everything, then I don't see a problem with any of it. If your not focused on someone else you are with your not giving them 100% when you are together, you might as well not be together if your not going to be with them when your together. I believe your right it is more fulfilling to be 'present' in everything one does always in life, but thats just my opinion. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
J Smith Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) what about thinking about yourself? Edited December 15, 2012 by madhouses visites Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bullit Posted December 15, 2012 (edited) hahahah yeah cool! well didnt have to think bout it coz i was doin it lol not ya wife or ''your girlfriends' just went and got it if ya know whatz i mean?? BUT NOW me married with many kids i love my wife and wank 4 her hahahaha crazy what ya think whenz horny Edited December 15, 2012 by bullit Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bigred Posted December 15, 2012 everybody has a wank bank mine is filled with all the awesome teen porn style of sex of my younger day's. I suppose when i get lonely and have a wank i use my wank bank, I think it would be next to impossible to wank over my partner every time i do it but she is the majority of what i think about she does it for me in the sack and it is pretty hard to think of someone else when im with her . She fully understands the male orgasm which i think plays a major part in this whole thinking of other people thing 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bullit Posted December 15, 2012 ya all fucken crazy hahahaha jokes!!!!!? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ballzac Posted December 15, 2012 she does it for me in the sack and it is pretty hard to think of someone else when im with her . There's also the fact that the actual visual experience is a large part of sex, so it's kind of pointless to close your eyes and think of someone else when you can actually open your eyes and watch your favourite person put your bits in their mouth 5 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bigred Posted December 15, 2012 she wont let me close my eyes, she always gets me to stare deep in here eyes which makes it very soulful. But i can see why some people think about others i have had been having a lot of women problems lately, my ex is one crazy bitch,!! But my new girlfriend is a rock star and for the first time in ages i have had a companion. She is very intelligent and we get along like a house on fire so on a primal level i would want to share my genetics with her and to be so comfortable make's it all the better . Imho if your constantly thinking of another person maybe you should not be in that relationship ,sex i believe is a major part of the relationship and being able to share that with someone special there in the moment , thinking of other people imho is offensive 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bullit Posted December 15, 2012 where tha girls at?? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ballzac Posted December 16, 2012 where tha girls at?? The title isn't exactly gender neutral, which might have put some off, but then again there must be some girls here who think of their friends' girlfriends/wives . I've always suspected that the main reason my girlfriend prefers it when I shave. Feeling facial hair down there must break the illusion Plus, I've seen her porn collection 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Distracted Posted December 16, 2012 Only the ones i slept with before. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chnt Posted December 16, 2012 good and bad, right and wrong, what does that mean? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
