THE SHITY ADVISE THREAD

[Pat Uri]

If a trip hasn't "kicked in" in twenty minutes it's a dud - drop the rest of them.

[Pat Uri]

If the police catch you doing drugs, remind them that in many countries it isn't considered a criminal offence, you haven't harmed anyone else or their property, if there is any real victim it is yourself and that they should go away and catch some real criminals. After all your taxes pay their wage. Always your friend, you can be honest with them and they will quickly see you have a point and leave you alone.

[incognito]

Lol yep second the wake and bake as a great idea for getting things done

[blangschpeer]

If an epileptic fits, wear them!

[Bigred]

get a job pay tax all your life then retire on a shitty pension then die alone in a crapy retirement home

[Bigred]

eat a block of that laxative chocolate thinking it was a single dose

[Justin Credible]

Tell ya mrs in the same tone you would share any pointless trivia.

You know if you swallow it goes straight back up.

This is gold advice

[Scarecrow]

(note: i did not write the following. i have no clue what the source of it is but i found it funny a long time ago and saved it)

LIFEHACKS are secret tips and tricks to Skirt around the boring rules that stop most people from living theiir dreams and realitys. LIFEHACKING is like COMPUTER HACKS except instead of power access to information data take, you are given UNLIMITED power over your life and your greater financial future. Hack your NEW TELEVISION so that it shows more pictures of Wars and black Women. Hack your mother-in-law so she will stay out of yyour face at the wake. Hack everything in your life with the simple successful secret to lifehacking: LIFEHACKING

here are some exmples:

LIFEHACK 60: LOST A SOCK -- ever lost a sock doing laundry of course you have the dryer seemes to "eat" socks or transport them to another dimension!! (jk) so you are left with bunches of divorced socks. LIFEHACK your socks before you put them in Washer/dryer with this simple LIFEHACK: get a piece of papaer and fold it in half. Then put socks in between paper then staple it closed!!! now wash it the water will still get in to wash up the socks (osmosis) but the socks wont be able to get out to get losed (xylem) so you will have both clean as a whistle!!! now do the same for dryer. What to do with the divorced socks you already have simple you hav e a sock wedding!! make sure to mary them to socks of the same Color or else their sock babys will Have to be on both debate team and basketbal camp.

LIFEHACK 32: EVERY WHICH WAY BUT DINNER - okay ace picture this, you got a hot date at 7 with a hot girl!!!!! taking her out to a fancy restraunt she say "okay see you there solider" but oh no you sleeped in to late from a nap and now its 6:40 and you running behind!! and you running through the streets of the city and you know that the fancy restarant is north but which way does that go!!!! heres a secret ace, straight from LIFEHACK h.q. -- the sun (ya the big ball i nthe sky lol) always points north. The ancients knew this and thats how They found America to civilizize it. Just folow the sun and you will be chatting it up with A horinie girl in No time ace playa!! Dont forget dessert yum yu m

LIFEHACK 80: HEART SHAPED BOX - uh oh its the little ladys birthday or valentines day or some horseShit that you forget!!! need a present fast dont wory we'll just LIFEHACK go to a liquar store and buy 10 of the small bottles they keep near the desk in the dusty bin...now drink them all up and fill them with bad wine (red) and take of f the labels....now tie them all together with string or some SHorseshit and say they are Love potions. Sell them on the strets to people that believe IN magic or god. Now that you ahve some walkin around money you can finaly aford th e ingreidnts you need to make a real love potion. I dont know wat the ingredients are so try to find out. Then make potions and sell Them...dont let the other companys push you out of business. Salvatore will try To make an offer to Buy out your company but Dont belive HIs lies. (Italian)

LIFEHACK 47: "THE BIG DIPPER" - Ice cream Headaches everyone gets em!!! wats the answer stop eating ice cream??? horseshit instead you just use this simple LIFEHACKING - when you feel the onset of the headache, take out a common American penny (1 cen)t and place it under your tongue. When the icre cream manager says "what are you kids doing are you going to order more" spit out the pennie at him and run!!!

LIFEHACK 73: MY CLOTHES ARE DIRTY - you have dirty clothes?? LIFEHACK them! "Good as Ne.w"

LIFEHALCK 22: VERIFY THE PURITY OF HONEY - How many times have you comed back from the grocery store all ready to mix up the ingredients to make a tasty cake only to find that you bought fake honey!!!!!!! I know it happesn all the time but here's how to LIFEHACK honey at the store, you ask the manager "hey manager smell my flower??" and no manager want to smell flower at work (illegal, docked pay) except for secret Bees in manager costumes. Dont worry if it is one you got him cornered (do this in a corner forgot to Mention that) and hes distracted by the Sweet flowar you gived him.....heh heh.....time to find where that fa88ot is hideing all the real honey....none of that fake honey for me.........and if YOu come across the queen you can interrogate her and make her tell you the Secret of The Bees.......then we will have allt he honey we need for the Secret Integration....the rise of our People.......

LIFEHACK 4: A BIRD IN THE HAND - seem like you cant stay Focused and motivated to work at your desk with all the Internet that there is these days? well here's a way to stay focused: every time you think about typing in links to your computer just imagine your genitals getting hurt by a crab. If you type in a link once as accident go buy a crab as a pet and keep him near your desk as motivatons. Draw Pictures of balls or girl balls (?) to help him Understand wat he must do. the Crab loves you like a brother but in the end it is you and the information data take and crab must Not let that information data take fall Into enemy (italian) hands and he will LIFEHACK whoever it takse to protect our proud Republic

LIFEHACK 4: CHICAGO-STYLE - umbrellas keep you not in water and the problem is they get broke by wind so just do what they do in chicago, when theres wind you reinforced your umbrella by LIFEHACKING and covering the joints with grease to make them slippery. the grease Will make the joints less saseptabale (sp) to wind hurt and still keep it good for rain stop. So get out Some grease and grease the joints. Grease em up. Yeah now take Some pictures. Hmmmmmm lookin good chicago style put on these glasses mmmmm yeah you are rainy.....the wather is incliment isnt it girl you are a bad girl....i got a massive cold front desending from Canada for you....80% chance of golden showers this evening you say???? well fortuantely if I cut a hole in the top of my umbella and flip it over it doubles as a funnel

LIFEHACK 4: SCRATCH MY BACK AND I'LL SCTCH YOURS -- since the dawn of man people have trouble with back scratching. Arms are to small!! people are fat! whaat can be done. Fortuantey I have a plan but keep it secret, beccause your hands are going to be angry that they arent doing the scratching!! my hands have been angry all week and I think they are staynig up late and night and plotting something because when I came back unexpectedly one evening they were both there I could hear laughter from outside but thought nothing of it and when I came in they said "OH HEY WE THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE OUT FOR THE NIGHT" and I said "Oh no Just going about my business' and they said "WELL MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEAVE....WE HAVE SOME 'FRIENDS' COMING OVER" and I started to reply but the other hand say "NOW JUST HOLD ON FRANCIS....MAYBE HE SHOULD STAY FOR A LITTLE BIT..." and I could tell they had been drinking those cheap little bottles of liquor and I back ed up and dr

LIFEHACK 4: THE BIG BOPPER - MY HANDS ARE TRYING TO KILL ME. THEY WHISPER IN MY EARS WHEM I AM ASLEEP. ONLY WAY TO GET RID OF THEM IS TO CUT THEM OF. GOTTA GET RIDE OF THEM. THEY ARE LONG AND BONEY AND TRY TO MAKE ME DO THINGS AND SIGN DEALS THAT I HAVE NO APPROVED. I WORK IN AN OFFICE AND I WILL BE DAMNED IF I LET SOME PISS POOR PAIR OF HANDS TELL ME WHAT TO DO, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN THEY COULDN'T EVEN VOTE AND FRANKLY I KNOW IT MAY BE WRONG TO SAY SO BUT WASN'T EVERYTHING BETTER WH

LIFEHACK 4: CUT OF YOUR HANDS - CUT THEM OFF. THEY ARE GOING TO STRANGLE YOU. DON"'T BELIEVE ME WELL I HAVE PROOF. LOOK AT THIS FAX THAT I RECIEVED FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE TH E OTHER DAY BY MISTAKE NOW YOU WILL SEE THAT MANY PARTS HAVE BEEN BLACKED OUT AND REDACTED BUT USING SPECTROANALYSIS I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO RESTORE AT LEAST A PARTIAL OUTLINE OF THE MISSING SEVENTEEN PARAGRAPHS PROVING BEYOND A DOUBT THAT THE NSA HAS BEEN FULLY AWARE OF THE PROMETHEUS SALVAGE PROJECT SINCE AT LEAST 2002, THEREBY DEMONSTRATING BEYOND ANY DOUBT THAT THEY ARE TRYING TO CRUSH THE SECRET INTEGRATION BY PUTTING MIND CONTROL/PERSONALITY ALTERING SUBSTANCES WITHIN OUR TAP WATER AND HONEY AND FURTHERMORE THAT THE UNITED NATIONS HAS BEEN IN LEAGUE WITH THE TRILATERAL COMMISSION, THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS, AND G8 IN ORDER TO USHER IN A NEW ERA OF ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT, RULED BY THE POPE AND ENFORCED BY THE ITALIAN COALITION AND FUNDED BY THE FIAT SYSTEM OF BANKING AND THERE IS ONLY ONE CANDIDATE WHO WILL SPEAK OUT AGAINST THIS AND HIS NAME IS RO

[Bigred]

Park across the foot path in front of 3 police officers in a out back town