Mood Swings... from ecstatic to terminal

[CβL]

Hey friends, I've been having particularly brutal mood swings lately. A week or so ago I'd been rising into an ecstatic mood, and I had 3 ecstatic days in the week. Projects were ending, I was talking to a few girls and had a date and I was making good progress with guitar. Wednesday night I could barely sleep from all the oxytocin. Yesterday my whole year project was completed in its entirety. After that, went and hung with a friend and some of his friends, and had a few puffs of a pre-rolled "incence joint", and talked in the park. I had zero tolerance (while I assume they all had more than that), and was basically lost for words after it kicked it. I was extremely out of it.

At some point in the conversation (that I was really just a listener to), I had a revelation - that I had been "listening" wrong most of the time for my entire life. To put it in arbitrarily simple words that don't really portray what I felt - I realized that just because we all speak "English" doesn't mean we all speak the same. While I had realized this before, this time it was particularly endearing to me, because I felt this utterly indescribable feeling that I could just "accept" things the way they are, and just listen to them.

At this time, a policeman came, and everything seemed to slow down at this point. My friends had been drinking alcohol, and we still had a half a litre of vodka or so. He informed us of a liquor ban in the area (we knew, but played ignorance). This conversation felt so grave, yet it was meandering too. Then he did what felt like the kindest thing possible, and just told us that if we moved outside of this park, to a little further away, we would be outside of the ban, and that he was worried about us being in a park that can be dangerous.

All these thoughts swirled in my head. But I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so humbled. Like I'd been given a free bone by the universe. "There's more to it son - open your heart to the way things and people are, and join in."

I was holding back tears, and I was just so overwhelmed by all these ideas that I had to excuse myself. I thanked them for this. At this point I started the walk back home. I started crying while I was walking - not just tears, but full on crying. This type of crying felt primal and amazing, but completely different to every other time I've ever cried. It felt like I had opened up something that had been closed for so long. Like I had advanced a level in maturity, and become more human. It wasn't from sadness, but from being so humbled. All the time, I listened to the sounds around me - it was only knowing that I had to focus to listen, which precludes crying - that put pause to it. I realized I had been feeling hatred towards sounds of the city every other day. Each time I heard a car accelerate, a little bit of resentment welled up. But not today, I just accepted the sound for what it was. It was the most sublime feeling I've experienced in a long time.

It was the most powerful, utterly incredible, extremely emotional and exhilirating moment in a long time. All the way home, I opened my head to new ideas. I began to think about artificial intelligence, mappings of the objects around me to sound dimensions, robotic vision. It's about 9kms of terrain back to my house, which I walked. The day before I'd walked 10kms up hills as well, and so my back was a little bit sore. I learned how to rest my back. I learned how to minimize the shear forces in my joints while I walked on the tilted pavements. The entire time, I was focused, and at peace.

I got home, and fell asleep.

Today I wake up, and I felt a perceptible slide in my mood... All day the sliding slid. And slowly but surely, I'm back to feeling fearful, lonely and sad.

So I made this topic to see if anyone has some advice for me. I think I need it.

Edited September 22, 2012 by CβL

[Sallubrious]

Maybe it's just the universe letting you know all is well.

Without the down the up would have no context or perspective.

Yin-yang and all that jazz

What you lose on the turns you gain on the roundabouts

[qualia]

i had a longer reply but then i lost it. so i'll shorten it. i've been experiencing these sorts of extremes of emotion for some time, from suicidal depression to the most exhilarating ecstasy where you just have boundless energy and everything is fantastic. it's been happening for some years now so when depression hits i can more or less rationalise it now that it will pass and things will be normal again in time (although that wasn't the case at the start of this year). just continue, thats all i can say. continue on your mundane things and live as you've lived in the past and your moods will come and go, life will become shit but then life will get better, and on and on it goes. at least that's my experience, yours might be similar or different.

[Halif]

I think Qualia has nailed it in saying "just continue". It can sound like a platitude - even an insult - when you're really low and someone says "hang in there", but that's about the long and short of it.

At my worst points I either self-medicated myself to oblivion, or when that was not an option, realised that I had two most simple options: continue, or don't continue. If you go with the first, you get to see the good side again - because it always comes back. Some people experience life in waves and the more times you get through a rough patch, the more you can come to realise that it is transient and will be finished sooner or later.

How long have you had these ups and downs? Do you think it was related to the smoke you had? Has drug use ever triggered off experiences like that for you before?

Anyway, hope you're feeling better. Take care and "just continue". Surf the waves.

[bogfrog]

Hey mate, we fall into these strange patterns of happy and sad. i think the important thing here is to be aware that all will pass on in natural rythms, nothing will stay the same so there is no way you can't work to make your life a predominantly. enjoyable experience .

you just gotta work at it, day by day, by day and so on and so forth.

every time a uncomfortable, angry, lonely, worrying thought comes along, try and shake it, worrying won't change much, but actively choosing to alter your behaviour can. plants can really be the best company for those funnyoff-setting moods. Get busy with some weeding and watering.

when creative ideas arise, write them down, save them in a notebook for moments when you need something to stimulate / distract your mind.

day by day

[planthelper]

cBl, i can very much relate to your story.

that the copper was so nice, got remebered by your subconsious mind, because it happend at times in your childhood, by an other authorety figure.

humble tears are the most powerfull thing i know, and what goes up must come down, specialy if you had a smoke, and don't smoke often.

you probably used up a lot of feelgood hormones with this experience, and your body reacted by down regulating the very same, which resulted into your depressive state.

i guess you had a shit dream or something else negative happend to you, which you are not aware of. i think we can rule out that you get depressed without a reasons.

i suggest, not to "ride the estatic wave" for long, learn to keep the ups shorter and more controlled, and the downs will be not as down either.

keep the downs shorter aswell, and less severe, you can try this by, wearing uplifting clothes, when you down,and under dress when you are up.

reward youreselfe when down, but don't reward youreselfe when you are up, i hope you get my drift.

moodswings are a normal thing, only low grade people make fun of you for your moodswings.

a very good diet will help aswell, walking a lot (as you stated) is good, but don't exhaust youreselfe, exhaustion can lead to anxiety and other negativety.

when you depressed, use the depression as a tool which shows you, the things you have to change in life, aswell apreciate how the depressed state, gives you very deep insights into your being.

all the best, mate, you are lucky because you love nature!

Edited September 23, 2012 by planthelper

[CβL]

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone here for taking the time to write a reply. I really appreciate your thoughts and wisdom, and I will try and incorporate them over the coming days. I'll write some more once I get a chance to think.

[Rabaelthazar]

The fact you had a really profound series on thoughts the day before could have been a direct result on the down mood the next day.

Are you normally depressed of just kinda normal at your lows? You didn't really specify in your post. If you get depression, I'm probably not the best advisor... the post above will be better.

If you're not normally depressed though, I think I can dig on what you're saying. I've found myself a number of times in my life having an experience or a thought that has just made the puzzle pieces fit that little bit better, explained the universe just a little bit more. (both on and off substances)

When I have such a profound moment, I am filled with nothing but absolute optimism and certain that my new found knowledge is going to help me get over some of my bad habits, or be more tolerant of people or something like that but then when I next immerse myself into the world of other people, I find that despite my knew knowledge, things are still as ignorant as they were yesterday and that's kinda hard to stay positive about. For me.... things kinda suck for a little while but then something will come up, maybe after a fe days or a week where my new understanding really helps and, fuck, that feels good.

So... if you're like that at all... just keep an eye out for the situation where you can utilise what you've learned. It'll come.

[IndianDreaming]

When you're given a glimpse of an exciting new outlook on the world, it can be a bit depressing to feel the sink back down to 'normal'. I think the key to being able to maintain a managable level of emotions is to keep reminding yourself of what you found amazing, and the insights you had. You need to merge these thoughts and feelings into your previous 'normal' - which takes time. Writing down the things you saw/felt/experienced can help remind you of that wonderful place you visited. Keep reminding yourself that you are capable of seeing/feeling/experiencing the world that way whenever you want, but you need to bridge the gap between where you are now, and where you want to be.

It's like gong to someone elses house thats really cool - you want to live there, because they have cool furniture and matching wall paper. When you get home and look at your ramshackle abode you feel crap. So grab a brush, paint your walls, and add the things you like into your life, whilst throwing out the things you don't need. A little mental housekeeping - or 'tending your mind garden' goes a long way.

Planthelpers comments on riding the wave are spot on too - keep it within your grasp, or else the gap to fill seems impossible.

[gem]

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone here for taking the time to write a reply. I really appreciate your thoughts and wisdom, and I will try and incorporate them over the coming days. I'll write some more once I get a chance to think.

 

I wish I'd seen this when you posted it CBL I hope you are feeling a bit better after a couple of days. I wanted to reply to this as I woke up chirpy as and have been all morning... one tiny thing and *bang* depressed (really my moods cycle so quickly from one pole to the other) - I'd just finished typing a post in the GC meet thread and was really happy, chatting to BF about the lovely peeps we met yesterday etc) then ... depressed. It seems *so* hard to climb out of the depression (let alone make sense of it.)

Sorry waffling and not actually giving you anything useful Need to re-read everyone's posts so I don't write the same things but I empathised *so* much with your post. With me it's the cycling of my bi-polar (way more rapid cycling than I've experienced since being diagnosed around 18/20yo). Being yanked off benzos after 12 years didn't help I guess

So the consensus so far seems to be the incense joint and a lot of built up emotions being released... I can see how that would make sense but your continuing low moods... sorry CBL, not very helpful, I know.

I sincerely hope you find yourself in a happier headspace soon. Take care of yourself.

[gem]

When you're given a glimpse of an exciting new outlook on the world, it can be a bit depressing to feel the sink back down to 'normal'. I think the key to being able to maintain a managable level of emotions is to keep reminding yourself of what you found amazing, and the insights you had. You need to merge these thoughts and feelings into your previous 'normal' - which takes time. Writing down the things you saw/felt/experienced can help remind you of that wonderful place you visited. Keep reminding yourself that you are capable of seeing/feeling/experiencing the world that way whenever you want, but you need to bridge the gap between where you are now, and where you want to be.

It's like gong to someone elses house thats really cool - you want to live there, because they have cool furniture and matching wall paper. When you get home and look at your ramshackle abode you feel crap. So grab a brush, paint your walls, and add the things you like into your life, whilst throwing out the things you don't need. A little mental housekeeping - or 'tending your mind garden' goes a long way.

Planthelpers comments on riding the wave are spot on too - keep it within your grasp, or else the gap to fill seems impossible.

 

Great post IndianDreaming, I'm going to try and follow the suggestions you gave CBL too.

[IndianDreaming]

Thanks Gem - I did read your post recently, I do hope you find some balance in your life as well. The integration of both extremes into each other can be tough, but like anything, once you get the hang of it, it comes naturally and you find yourself able to handle anything thrown your way. 'Integration' - that's the word I was looking for! You need to be able to integrate the new experiences in to your daily life. Little reminders along the way are a handy tool. Leave yourself a note on the fridge 'Smile' - you forget it's there till you see it and the stupidity of seeing it is sometimes enough to spark you up again. Here's one for both of you!

[Alchemica]

Your mood swings don't sound pathological to me but I'm not in a position to diagnose, nor come to conclusions for you. Have a read through things like:

Therapeutic Interventions: Spiritual Crises

Spiritual Emergency

The Differentiation of Psychosis and Spiritual Emergency

The natural psychedelic state of consciousness, as accessed through the process of self-actualization

See also:

Self Help in a Spiritual Emergency

Supporting Someone

Lifeline [NZ]

If you are up for a bit of adventure and have plenty of supporting friends, professional assistance as needed (GP etc) and time to explore your Self, consider taking the ride [results may vary...]:

See something like

"Components of a Spiritual Stage of Development

In the examination of my personal experience with a trauma preceding a new

stage of spiritual development, I observed a pattern of psychological phases that occur in

making the journey:

1. Spiritual Childhood

2. Crisis and Loss of Assumptive Integrity

3. Alchemy and the Dark Night

4. A New Vision

I observed that these phases do not necessarily happen sequentially, yet the pattern seems

important for transformation to take place. In each phase of this transformative process,

particular conditions, qualities, and circumstances serve as containers for encounters with

conscious and unconscious material." [1]

Please be careful and don't hesitate to get in contact here with us in the thread, or via PM.

Edited September 29, 2012 by Alchemica

[CβL]

Thanks again for your kind words everyone. It means a lot that you are trying to help me.

Here's sort of a merged reply to what you've written:

Well, I really dislike to use the word, but my father was diagnosed with bipolar. I still don't see how getting a label for my particular flavour of difference will help me in any manner other than being prescribed dangerous drugs, and giving myself an excuse. So I avoid the term, but I think that using it will help give an idea of close to how I feel.

The thing that's different for me, is that I feel this great responsibility to the world. I feel that by understanding that there's deep suffering; people starving, our ecosystems being poisoned, people's rights being rescinded and essentially being forced into slaving for the industrial society machine. I feel I must help. That my care, is as tenuous as my help. So if I don't help - then I don't really care. But I do care. Thus I must help. And I have to be honest to myself too. Thus I can't make a half-assed attempt and clear my conscience at that.

In terms of this profound moment, I think the thing that accelerated the slide afterwards was just how far I've let my thought patterns slip. Despite knowing that the further I let them slip, the harder it will be to bring them back, I let it happen. I think this is because sometimes I will feel like I'm just not cut out for the people I meet. Oftentimes I feel more in common with plants than people. To be truly honest, I really feel like I'm missing some kind of fulfilling emotional commitment, someone to cultivate love with, and I worry that I won't find this person. I'm just looking for someone who 'gets' me. Am I supposed to settle when it doesn't feel quite right?

I have been into personal development since about 2009 or so. I haven't got the idea of 'balance' figured out quite yet though, so sometimes I'll focus too much on one thing and ruin other things. I can't even begin to list the times where I've almost or have, messed things up from being too unbalanced. The major one this year was learning and practicing music instead of studying for my degree. I think that this is probably because I'm quite unorganized in terms of daily life. As time allows this year, I'll be learning how to be organized so that I have more quality time.

Integration - it was my favourite word of 2010. Thanks for reminding me.

I would class a large part of my problem as being a spiritual crisis. I'm on year four of my engineering degree, and I've almost fucked it up just at the last moment. I don't think it's cool to do such little work, and last-minute everything. I just let it happen. I feel like a trainwreck observer, rather than watching. I rationally know though, that I am wrong, that I always have the control over these things. But... for some reason, I just let it slide. If there's been one thing I've failed at harder than anything in my entire life - it's sticking to my word that I will try my best at uni. This is where I sometimes do stick to my word, but burn out like a charred moth and then do nothing for the next week.

Lastly - please don't worry about me doing something rash like that.

If I ever got to the point where I felt I couldn't handle it, I would just run away and hide in the forest for a few weeks (actually - the forests I have chosen are the Waitakeres or the Ureweras). I appreciate my life way too much to end it abruptly.

Post-lastly, thanks once again for your help. I really needed some help lately.

Most importantly, an amazingly kind forum member (who with permission, I will name), sent me the most kindest things. Lots of kind thought went into it, and that's what I really appreciate. I promise that I'll use them as an opportunity to turn things around.

[tedzr]

Ur smart bro, keep at it and try to get the final part of ur degree finished cos it will prob mean more in 10 years if u don't have it than vice versa. Those tears feel great hey, its good to let it out. Its totally early 21st c masculine too, apparently chicks dig emotion. Who would have thought.You've got stuff going on inside, its ok. Don't we all..

[bogfrog]

The thing that's different for me, is that I feel this great responsibility to the world. I feel that by understanding that there's deep suffering; people starving, our ecosystems being poisoned, people's rights being rescinded and essentially being forced into slaving for the industrial society machine. I feel I must help. That my care, is as tenuous as my help. So if I don't help - then I don't really care. But I do care. Thus I must help. And I have to be honest to myself too. Thus I can't make a half-assed attempt and clear my conscience at that.

...

sometimes I will feel like I'm just not cut out for the people I meet. Oftentimes I feel more in common with plants than people. To be truly honest, I really feel like I'm missing some kind of fulfilling emotional commitment, someone to cultivate love with, and I worry that I won't find this person. I'm just looking for someone who 'gets' me. Am I supposed to settle when it doesn't feel quite right

...

If I ever got to the point where I felt I couldn't handle it, I would just run away and hide in the forest for a few weeks (actually - the forests I have chosen are the Waitakeres or the Ureweras

Well heres my 3 cents.

Firstly i think that feeling like that can really be a positive thing.

I suppose i feel more fear than responsibity in regard to the sense that the world is crumbling under the boot of corruption and greed.

But to feel responsibity, you can turn that around to be your driving force, your power.

If you understand how its all much so bigger than we are, you can accept a very special role to play in the scheme of things, because you feel both your insignificance and your importance combined together.

Only you make your choices and only you can make the sort of difference that u feel u need to.

And as for not feeling good enough for the people you meet, remember that everyone is on a journey and they can only carry so much with them at one time.

To let new, more beneficial behaviour and thought processes into your way of being, you must let go of your baggage, out-dated ideas and long held resentment.

When you have engaged with this process for long enough, your life should spontaneously begin to reconstitute itself. And that will be the time for a woman to come into your life, to lead you further on this journey.

And NO! Don't settle when it doesnt feel right. Wanting it to work wont change a thing if you arent the right people for each other.

And lastly, i find it quite funny that one of your two 'forests of choice' is the Ureweras.

I have always dreamt of hiding in the Ureweras if things went really wrong.

You never know, might c u there during armagedon ;-)

And yes, i agree with the above comment on 21st century masculinity, chicks DO dig men who are in touch with their emotions, which is something that could really make a difference for the emotional IQ's of future generations, which can only be a good thing.

[Halif]

hey CBL (sorry, didn't put the symbol in there )

For what it's worth, reading your posts here and the responses given lifts my spirits, because I can see that there are people around who really CARE about EVERYTHING. This thread should be front page news. NEWSFLASH: THERE ARE MANY COMPASSIONATE HUMAN BEINGS ON EARTH!

It probably wouldn't sell as many copies as an article with shots of Prince William's Wife's melons (and to be honest, which one I'd buy would depend on how I felt on the day), but it'd make for a nice change and a good reminder that while there are many issues of imbalance in the world, there are many people who are aware of them and want to help bring back the harmony.

[whitewind]

If there's been one thing I've failed at harder than anything in my entire life - it's sticking to my word that I will try my best at uni. This is where I sometimes do stick to my word, but burn out like a charred moth and then do nothing for the next week.

 

I disagree. Even if you spectacularly "fail" your course, you have still tried your best, and are simply trying to complete your course under extremely demanding emotional circumstances. It's difficult, I "failed" at something I really wanted to achieve quite recently, and had a huge emotional crash - especially as I didn't expect to fail. However, when I took stock and looked back, I realised that I had easily achieved what I had set out to achieve, only at the start my expectations weren't so high - I had just built up the goals higher and higher until basically, I had a bit of bad luck and it was all over. I wasn't prepared for it, that was the worst of it, I sort of tried to engage with "what-ifs" but for various reasons my partner and I just didn't engage fully and just carried on regardless. After 4 years, I bet you don't have an alternative plan (hence the dreams about escape into the woods). You feel trapped, and terrified of failure.

Well, it will soon be over. You won't fail, you have the courage to carry on, and probably even have a second attempt at that engineering degree if you can't get it now. If you fail, fuckit, make a backup plan of coming to Aus to visit everyone at SAB and the farm at Mullum. No-one here will think you're a failure; if we do, then that means we all are, so that's cool, right?

You could even start up a business being a Shaman, complete failure (death!) and recovery is prime requisite for helping other people on the path to self-enlightenment!

As far as worrying about mental health, don't. You don't sound bi-polar, you sounds like someone who is pressuring themselves (with external forces contributing) and are reaching an endpoint, equilibrium will resume. If stress gets too much, the very best thing you can do is remove yourself from it - it's not failure, it's an extremely sensible response to something you may be unable to control. Take a step back and look. If you can't do it now, do it as soon as your course is over.

Working under continual pressure is one of the big failures of our society, it creates tension which allows "work" to be done, it allows control by the owners of power and wealth, but it is extremely unhealthy for the individual and is NEVER seen in nature. Once the immediate stressor is over, all animals return to a relaxed state. Unless we are terminally ill, our external stressors should pass but we have set up society so that for us, they never do - there is the concern to succeed coupled with the need to continually make money to survive (for most of us, this is true). This is actually a sickness our society needs to deal with, but because we are constantly under pressure we never have the time to see it how it is.

That's why time out can be so therapeutic - I spent it at the foot of a mountain, working in a place I loved for people I respected and let everything else go. That's how life should be, and it corresponds quite strongly with that video I posted, the TED talk on how to reach 100 years. Low stress, good diet, strong community, continual physical work which is not too demanding.

[LikeAshesWeFade]

Man I swear.. no matter how many councellor's I visit in my lifetime. Nothing they say will ever connect with me the way this thread has! All of you guys have said amazing things to CBL and each one has connected with me in a way I've never felt before. I have suffered from a mood disorder my whole life but have never been diagnosed with anything.. just given the term Drug Induced Mood Disorder due to using Cannabis since I was 13. I have had maybe 20 - 30 different jobs, due to the fact that I start out on a high and then a few weeks after I become bored, and lack stimulation in the work place, so I become depressed and anxious. Making me change jobs or at worst just leave. I used to think it would get better as I got older but here I am, 27 and still experiencing the same severe anxiety and depression after a few wks/mths working at the same job. I still cannot put my finger on why my moods change so rapidly after working at one job for a period of time but I just keep thinking it's due to lack of stimulation (mentally) so I start to persue my interests.

I've been shunted into the drug-fucked and jobless category by my fathers side of the family but I don't let it affect me.. I just keep my chin high and know deep down, that sooner or later I will become exactly who I want to be in life and that I will be far more successful at being a father to my child than he ever was and I will end up in a career that I enjoy and don't live the sheepish, miserable life that he's lived. I too don't want to label myself with a particular illness and be fed more drugs. I am already on anti-psychotics which literally numb me to the emotions that I personally believe I need to get over hurdles in life.. Instead I just feel numb to the life I'm living and when I do become ecstactic I tend to "ride the high" more than I should, therefore when that high dissapears I feel completely down and out. Some of the advice given in this thread is going to stick with me and just from those few things said.. I am already looking at life in a different perspective.

I wish you the best CBL with your studies and also with everything that your experiencing. I can relate to exactly how your feeling dude.

Edited September 30, 2012 by LikeAshesWeFade

[bogfrog]

Wow, see what happens when you reach out CßL?

It seems that sharing is a profoundly powerful vehicle for healing, not just for the self, but for all involved.

Theres soo much we can learn from each other and i am completely humbled to have witnessed the blossoming of compassion and wisdom which has occurred here.

There may be hope for the human race after all!

[qualia]

i remember my last year in uni (engineering degree too!), it was so hard core. literally all i was reduced to for the final semester was work/sleep (not to mention the fact i was subsisting on austudy at the time, which made it even worse). but trust me putting in 6 months of effort now will just make it even better when it's all over and you find out you aced it all. if you give up now you'll regret it 100 times more next year when you have to repeat subjects to get your degree.

funny story, i did this one subject in my final semester, optimisation and control. god it was the worst taught subject ever, plus that it was basically two subjects in one so twice the amount of work than what i was used to, and the "lectures" consisted of the guy reading maths equations of slides. horrible. anyway i did so bad at it and i swear they passed me out of pity ("here's a ribbon for participating" kind of thing). anyway long story short i passed and managed to do better than i thought and got the h1 honours i was after. moral of the story is i guess that final year uni is designed to be a head fuck i think, just put in as much effort now as you can you'll thank yourself when it's all over.

[qualia]

oh and one last thing i wanted to say before but didn't, don't lose your sense of humour. i think one of the most important aspects to life is the ability to laugh at ourselves.