tripsis Posted July 16, 2011 I Tell Ya, Until I've Had My Morning Coffee, I Am Just A Rapist By Brett Simmons June 17, 2010 | ISSUE 46•24 If you're anything like me, mornings are the worst. Dragging my sorry bottom out of bed is about the hardest thing in the world, and once I do stumble downstairs, I'm already dreaming about getting back under the covers. I'm groggy, I'm cranky, and, until I get that first precious sip of piping hot coffee, I'm a total rapist. Like I always say, "Just hand over the coffee and nobody gets sexually assaulted!" Here's a little friendly advice: Do not try to talk to me before I've had my 16 ounces of Brain Juice. I'll just mumble something unintelligible, rape you, and probably shoot you the dirtiest look you've ever seen, to boot. I can't help it! But all it takes is one whiff of that first pot brewing, and I swear, it's like the clouds part, the sun comes out, and I don't feel like raping quite so much. That's when I give a Hallelujah and thank God, because the coffee's on its way and I do not want to spend any more time in a federal penitentiary! Most days, I'm not even a functioning human being without my morning mug of French roast. I'm all "leave me alone, back off, rape, rape, rape, rape, rape, I haven't had my coffee yet." Come to think of it, my dad was a pretty big coffee drinker, too. I remember waking up early with my brothers and sisters to watch Saturday cartoons until Pops, like a mean old bear, came barreling down the stairs, growling for his coffee. And when he did, boy, you'd better believe we steered clear of him. Otherwise we'd get the raping of our lives! The thing is, I'm actually a pretty pleasant guy once I get past those morning mopeys. Talk to me any other time of day, and you'd never guess I'm someone who, without his cup of joe, will rape you repeatedly and without warning. But what can I say? I guess I'm just addicted to my daily dose of brew and a rapist. Lucky for me, the folks at my office are very understanding. It's quite the running joke among my coworkers, actually. "Whatever you do, don't get between Brett and his coffee, because he'll rape you if you do! He's literally raped everyone who's ever done that!" It's true. My trusty java is the only thing that separates me from people who walk around like angry zombies and serially rape anyone within a quarter-mile radius. You might say, "Brett, why don't you just give up coffee altogether?" I've tried. Believe me, I've tried. Once. It lasted all of three hours and God knows how many rapes. In fact, I think it even made things worse! Just ask my poor assistant Lacy. And my project manager Dan. And the entire sales staff, everyone at the supermarket, several joggers, three dogs, and that UPS driver. Criminy, I almost tore that guy a new one! But, hey, nobody's perfect. I just make sure to keep a jumbo travel mug with me at all times, carry lots of pepper spray, and never order coffee from a drive-thru for various logistical reasons. It's a tough world out there, and if you need a little extra kick to get going in the morning, so be it. I certainly won't judge. Although I will probably rape you. Source. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted July 16, 2011 Good boy. Spam goes in the chill space section. Hilariously well-timed title ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tripsis Posted July 16, 2011 Do you make yourself feel better by being condescending? You must. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted July 16, 2011 Keep cutting & pasting the stuff that matters, brother - if that's what you want to contribute to others. I'm just happy to see this trash in the appropriate section. Just take the compliment, for christ's sake. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tripsis Posted July 16, 2011 You don't win arguments through being condescending and/or insulting, you win with well made points, something you obviously are yet to learn. As I said, if you need to have a whinge about where I posted that other article, go find a moderator to harass. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted July 16, 2011 Yes, precious. Whatever you say. Keep those high-calibre articles coming, I'm learning so much today. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheather Posted July 16, 2011 Psylo Dread if he's put it in Chill Space why are you being a condescending twat? So what he put something trivial in news, he isn't now. Just take the compliment, for christ's sake. That was NOT a compliment. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted July 16, 2011 Where is your girlfriend right now, Mr Forgiveness? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mycophage Posted July 16, 2011 OP amusing, boring troll annoying. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tripsis Posted July 16, 2011 Where is your girlfriend right now, Mr Forgiveness? Is that a reference to Sheather's girlfriend who cheated on him? Or are you just trying to insult both of us simultaneously? You accuse me of not being to admit I'm in the wrong, yet look at yourself. Hypocritical, condescending, insulting and clearly being a dick for the sake of it, yet someone other than me points out you're being a twat and you just lash out at them. Just try to relax a little. Deep breaths remember? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted July 16, 2011 Is that a reference to Sheather's girlfriend who cheated on him? Or are you just trying to insult both of us simultaneously? You accuse me of not being to admit I'm in the wrong, yet look at yourself. Hypocritical, condescending, insulting and clearly being a dick for the sake of it, yet someone other than me points out you're being a twat and you just lash out at them. Just try to relax a little. Deep breaths remember? Ease up there, little man. Sheather to me: Concescending twat Me to Sheather: Mr Forgiveness Despite your disability with the written word, surely even you can observe that my response was the lesser of two evils? Oh wait, you're one who favours insults instead of salient points, I shouldn't expect you to understand the comparison of comments. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tripsis Posted July 16, 2011 That's rich coming from you Mr. Hypocrite. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted July 16, 2011 I *am* a hypocryte. Although it's interesting that you will say that (three times in a day) as if it's some ultimate insult, only after I have suggested that your double standards are cause for self reflection. Nice MO, little Man. A very compelling counter-strike I know you are, but what am I. worked in your young days, so why fix what ain't broke, hey. I *am* also condescending. Admission of one's foibles is a character trait borne of strength, and you could learn a lot through an understanding of your own humility, if it ever managed to seep through that shield of faux-literate arrogant persona you go to pains to project. Anyway, I'll save my words to you for the next thought-provoking cut & paste thread you are so often insistent on sharing. We truly cannot escape trashy media, no matter where we choose to spend time on the internet. You can have the last word on this one also, if you wish. The end. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted July 16, 2011 but what we all wanna know is, who has the biggest penis? pictures guys. only way to settle this. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sheather Posted July 16, 2011 Ease up there, little man.Sheather to me: Concescending twat Me to Sheather: Mr Forgiveness Despite your disability with the written word, surely even you can observe that my response was the lesser of two evils? Yours is definitely the lesser of two evils IF you take everything out of context. Congratulations on your passing the "Basic manipulation of the English Language" course. I see there you're also almost through your masters degree in "Smug Sense of Superiority: How to acquire and retain." Admission of one's foibles is a character trait borne of strength I disagree with this. Admitting your foibles only shows that you can look at yourself objectively. Working towards their elimination is borne from strength. It's hardly a good character trait to be able to say "I'm a cunt" if you go around being a cunt to everyone. and you could learn a lot through an understanding of your own humility This, I also have quarrel with. An understanding of your humility could already be at hand, you have no knowledge of it. He may not choose to express humility to those he sees as undeserving of respect (rightly so, it would seem). Humility is a characteristic that should be expressed when in the presence of those who deserve it, not every idiot that starts talking to you. I think it is you with the "faux-literate, arrogant persona". And it seems you, also, are going to pains to project it. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted July 16, 2011 to many words, not enough penis. psylo +1 sheather 0 tripsis 0 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted July 16, 2011 to many words, not enough penis. psylo +1 sheather 0 tripsis 0 Quick, lock the thread while I'm in front Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Marcel Posted July 16, 2011 While you guys were making love all day, I was out digging in the garden. Incog: please give me a few points for my greatness. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted July 16, 2011 unless you where digging with your penis please stay out of this. you will get hurt. or at least lose an eye. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted July 16, 2011 While you guys were making love all day, I was out digging in the garden. Incog: please give me a few points for my greatness. In between my comments, I had a dental appointment, so my day wasn't entirelt futile (though none too pleasant as gardening). With a face that's still numb and a retarded dribble when I try to speak, I have to let out my angst somehow ! How are you anyway, Marcel ? I was thinking of you today. Will PM you shortly. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted July 16, 2011 unless you where digging with your penis please stay out of this. you will get hurt. or at least lose an eye. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted July 16, 2011 now stop fighting! tripsis is actually a really nice guy!! chill, be friends!! OR else im just gonna have to get rough with you boys.you will no longer have to ponder the effects of being tied up and fed viagra. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tripsis Posted July 16, 2011 I really couldn't be bothered wasting any more time on someone like you Psylo. Your hypocrisy comes from your insulting accusations which are in fact exactly what you are doing and exactly what you are. I also suggest you cease flaming and stick to arguing without and constant flow of insults spewing out of your mouth. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted July 16, 2011 i am not feeling the love here tripsis!! i think yas have both gone a bit troppo i dunno if its the full-moon or yas r both sagittarians but fuck for the love of penis can yas just chill-out some,psylo stop being such a shit-stirrer, tripsis stop biting! its not worth the frustration bred. x Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
