Jokes.

[2b]

Got this idea from over at EBA . Just a place to post jokes as i seem to get a stream of e-mail jokes and some are good.

 

quote:

---

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

 

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was

 

lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

 

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

 

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

 

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

 

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

---

[Chemical Shaman]

Ok this is my favourite ever joke

What did the boy with no arms and no legs get for christmas?

[Chemical Shaman]

Cancer.

[mescalito]

LOL

I thought you were gunna say astro-jax :D

[Salviador]

Q:How many lawyers does it take to wallpaper a room?

A: Depends how thinly you slice them

[MrBumpy]

CS : I love that joke.

Normally I like jokes that are deliberately offensive.

eg,

Q. Whats the opposite of CHristopher Reeves?

A. Christopher Walken

Q. Whats the difference between a black baby and a white baby

A. 5 minutes in a microwave

Q. Why does the midwife bring hot water during a child birth?

A. Incase it's a stillborn, they can make soup

Q. Whats the difference between a cup full of placenta and a cup full of gravel

A. You can't gargle placenta

Q. Why did the girl fall off the swing

A. She had no arms

I know heaps of them.. especially ones involving dead babies

-bumpy

[devils_cactus]

I know heaps of them jokes too...

Q: Why couldn't Johnny go out to play?

A: His tounge was stapled to the verandah

etc, etc

[faustus]

i suppose i should be the one to cross the line...

q: what's the worst thing about fucking a three year old?

a: cleaning the blood off your clown suit

BTW has anyone checked out the bill hicks DVD, definitely a must get

[Chemical Shaman]

that clown suit one is my second favourite.

I've got the Bill Hicks DVD, awesome stuff, haven't watched it all yet though.

Q. What's the difference between an apple and a 3 year old kid?

A.I don't cum on my apples before i eat them.

[nabraxas]

i used to be a necrophiliac

--until some rotten cunt split on me.

[2b]

 

quote:

---

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson One

 

Two engineering students were riding across campus when one said, "Where did

 

you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my

 

own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike

 

to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The

 

second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably

 

wouldn't have fit."

 

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Two

 

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half

 

empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Three

 

A rabbi, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a

 

particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these

 

guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I

 

don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The rabbi said, "Hey, here

 

comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi

 

George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,

 

aren't they?"

 

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters.

 

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we

 

always let them play for free any time."

 

The group was silent for a moment. The rabbi said, "That's so sad. I think I

 

will say a special prayer for them tonight."

 

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist

 

buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said,

 

"Why can't these guys play at night?"

 

Comprehending Engineers (Consultants) - Lesson Four

 

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things

 

mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily

 

retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly

 

impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar

 

machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to

 

work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer

 

who had solved so any of their problems in the past. The engineer

 

reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine..

 

At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular

 

component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is". The

 

part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company

 

received bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded

 

an itemised accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One

 

chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it, $49,999.

 

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Five

 

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

 

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

 

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Six

 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible

 

designers of the human body.

 

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

 

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has

 

many thousands of electrical connections."

 

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic

 

waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

Comprehending Engineers - Lesson Seven

 

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers

 

believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

 

Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Eight

 

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was

 

better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he

 

enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring

 

relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of

 

the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."

 

"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each

 

assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab

 

and get some work done."

 

Comprehending Engineers- Lesson Nine

 

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and

 

said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over,

 

picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and

 

said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will

 

stay with you for one week."

 

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it

 

to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back

 

into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the

 

engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful

 

princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why

 

won't you kiss me?"

 

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a

 

girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

 

---

[jasemateau]

you can always count on the americans to do the

RIGHT THING!!!!.

once they've exhuasted the alternatives.

winston churchill.

is not a joke i know but it is amusing none the less

[2b]

A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish. Off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky seven. Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge!" The bloke says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp. 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead." The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden, he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong?" asks the Indian girl. The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe this, but I've just won a new car!"

[Zu]

Q. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a bikie?

A. Someone who knocks on your door and tells you to fuck off.

[Dirty Old Man]

Q. Whats the difference between a anal sex and a microwave oven?

A. Microwave doesn't brown your meat.

Q. Whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A. Fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

Q. Whats better than winning a special olympics gold medal?

A. Not being retarded.

Q. Whats the easiest way to cook vegetables?

A. Pull them out of their wheelchair before you put them in the oven.

Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?

A. megasorearse

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

A. lickalotapuss

I pretty much know an offensive or inapropriate joke for every minority group or occasion.

[nabraxas]

what do you call a 3 year old w/her legs open?

Kinder Suprise

[Darklight]

eeew yuk.

Congratulations you lot, youse have succeeded in grossing out the moderator

[2b]

The 213 Things Skippy is No Longer Allowed to Do in the U.S. Army

Once upon a time, there was a SPC Schwarz stationed with the Army in the Balkans. SPC Schwarz was either very clever or very bored; but probably both, since he managed to attempt or be warned about 213 things he wasn't allowed to do. He collected those things into a hilarious list and posted them to the web. The site hadn't been updated in a couple of years and has since gone away; but the list is classic, so I saved it. A couple favorites: 43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. and 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working.

2. My proper military title is 'Specialist Schwarz' not 'Princess Anastasia'.

3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.

4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.

5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.

6. Not allowed to play 'Pulp Fiction' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.

7. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters.

9. Not allowed to title any product 'Get Over it'.

10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on Government time.

11. Not allowed to join the communist party.

12. Not allowed to join any militia.

13. Not allowed to form any militia.

14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.

15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to 'Sic Brass!'

16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my 'Sampson like powers'.

17. God may not contradict any of my orders.

18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous 'Barbie Girl Dance' while on duty.

19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right.

20. Must not taunt the French any more.

21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS.

22. Must never call an SAS a 'Wanker'.

23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack.

24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true.

25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one.

26. Never tell a German soldier that 'We kicked your ass in World War 2!'

27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).

28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times).

29. The Irish MPs are not after 'Me frosted lucky charms'.

30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash.

31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.

32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.

34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody.

35. Not allowed to sing 'High Speed Dirt' by Megadeth during airborne operations. ('See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker')

36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over).

37. Our medic is called 'Sgt Larwasa', not 'Dr. Feelgood'.

38. Our supply Sgt is 'Sgt Watkins' not 'Sugar Daddy'.

39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.

40. I do not have super-powers.

41. 'Keep on Trucking' is *not* a psychological warfare message.

42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.

43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.

44. I am not the atheist chaplain.

45. I am not allowed to 'Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddies little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undies'.

46. I am not authorized to fire officers.

47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states.

48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.

49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for 'magic beans'.

50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.

51. Not allowed to quote 'Dr Seuss' on military operations.

52. Not allowed to yell 'Take that Cobra' at the rifle range.

53. Not allowed to quote 'Full Metal Jacket ' at the rifle range.

54. 'Napalm sticks to kids' is *not* a motivational phrase.

55. An order to 'Put Kiwi on my boots' does *not* involve fruit.

56. An order to 'Make my Boots black and shiny' does not involve electrical tape.

57. The proper response to a lawful order is not 'Why?'

58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid.

59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command.

60. 'The Giant Space Ants' are not at the top of my chain of command.

61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean 'I have been promoted three more times than you'.

62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.

63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority.

64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay.

65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.

66. There is no 'Anti-Mime' campaign in Bosnia.

67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot.

68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to 'Block out the space mind control lasers'.

69. May not pretend to be a facist stormtrooper, while on duty.

70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication.

71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command.

72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty.

73. No military functions are to be performed 'Skyclad'.

74. Woad is not camouflage makeup.

75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command.

76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is *not* a cadence.

77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

78. I may not call block my chain of command.

79. I am neither the king nor queen of cheese.

80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.

81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.

82. May not form any press gangs.

83. Must not start any SITREP (Situation Report) with "I recently had an experience I just had to write you about...."

84. Must not use military vehicles to 'Squish' things.

85. Not allowed to make any Psychological Warfare products depicting the infamous Ft. Bragg sniper incident.

86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the 'field of honor'.

87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as 'Mom'.

89. Must not refer to the Commander as 'Dad'.

90. Inflatable sheep do *not* need to be displayed during a room inspection.

91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad.

92. When asked to give a few words at a military ceremony 'Romper Bomper Stomper Boo' is probably not appropriate.

93. Nerve gas is not funny.

94. Crucifixes do not ward off officers, and I should not test that.

95. I am not in need of a more suitable host body.

96. 'Redneck Zombies' is not a military training aid.

97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator.

98. The proper response to a chemical weapon attack is not 'Tell my chain of command what I really think about them, and then poke holes in their masks.'

99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.

100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.

101. I am not allowed to mount a bayonet on a crew-served weapon.

102. Rodents are not entitled to burial with full military honors, even if they are "casualties of war".

103. My commander is not old enough to have fought in the civil war, and I should stop implying that he did.

104. Vodka, green food coloring, and a 'Cool Mint' Listerine® bottle is not a good combination.

105. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off of anyone under twelve.

106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's.

107. Must not mock command decisions in front of the press.

108. Should not taunt members of the press, even if they are really fat, exceptionally stupid, and working for UPI.

109. I am not authorized to change national policy in Eastern Europe.

110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.

111. I am not qualified to operate any US, German, Polish, or Russian Armored vehicles.

112. When saluting a 'leg' officer, an appropriate greeting is not "Airborne leads the wa- oh...sorry sir".

113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from 'Full Monty' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".

114. I cannot trade my CO to the Russians.

115. I should not speculate on the penis size of anyone who outranks me.

116. Crucifying mice - bad idea.

117. Must not use government equipment to bootleg pornography.

118. Burn pits for classified material are not revel fires - therefore it is wrong to dance naked around them.

119. I cannot arrest children for being rude.

120. An EO briefing is probably not the best place to unveil my newest off color joke.

121. I should not use government resources to 'waterproof' dirty magazines.

122. Radioactive material should not be stored in the barracks.

123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.

124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.

125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.

126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.

127. 'No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages' does not imply that a Jack Daniel's ® IV is acceptable.

128. "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.

129. The Microsoft ® 'Dancing Paperclip' is not authorized to countermand any orders.

130. 'I'm drunk' is a bad answer to any question posed by my commander.

131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.

132. The loudspeaker system is not a forum to voice my ideas.

133. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to replace the radio.

134. The loudspeaker system is not to be used to broadcast the soundtrack to a porno movie.

135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.

136. Shouting 'Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!' while out on a mission is bad.

137. Should not show up at the front gate wearing part of a Russian uniform, messily drunk.

138. Even if my commander did it.

139. Must not teach interpreters how to make "MRE" bombs.

140. I am not authorized to sell mineral rights.

141. Not allowed to use a broadsword to disprove 'The Pen is Mightier than the sword'.

142. 'Calvin-Ball' is not authorized PT.

143. I do not need to keep a 'range card' by my window.

144. 'K-Pot, LBE, and a thin coat of Break-free' is not an authorized uniform.

145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.

146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.

147. I should not threaten suicide with pop rocks and Coke ®.

148. Putting red 'Mike and Ike's' ® into a prescription medicine bottle, and then eating them all in a formation is not funny.

149. Must not create new DOD forms, then insist they be filled out.

150. On Sports Day PT, a wedgie is not considered a legal tackle.

151. The proper way to report to my Commander is 'Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir' not 'You can't prove a thing!'

152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light ® batteries.

153. I should not assign new privates to 'guard the flight line'.

154. Shouldn't treat 'piss-bottles' with extra-strength icy hot.

155. Teaching Albanian children to taunt other soldiers is not nice.

156. I will no longer perform 'lap-dances' while in uniform.

157. If I take the uniform off, in the course of the lap-dance, it still counts.

158. The revolution is not now.

159. When detained by MP's, I do not have a right to a strip search.

160. No part of the military uniform is edible.

161. Bodychecking General officers is not a good idea.

162. Past lives have absolutely no effect on the chain of command.

163. Take that hat off.

164. There is no such thing as a were-virgin.

165. I do not get 'that time of month'.

166. No, the pants are not optional.

167. Not allowed to operate a business out of the barracks.

168. Especially not a pornographic movie studio.

169. Not even if they *are* 'especially patriotic films'

170. Not allowed to 'defect' to OPFOR during training missions.

171. On training missions, try not to shoot down the General's helicopter.

172. 'A full magazine and some privacy' is not the way to help a potential suicide.

173. I am not allowed to create new levels of security clearance.

174. Furby ® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, it's actually DOD policy).

175. We do not 'charge into battle, naked, like the Celts'.

176. Any device that can crawl across the table on medium, does not need to be brought into the office.

177. I am not to refer to a formation as 'the boxy rectangle thingie'.

178. I am not 'A lesbian trapped in a man's body'.

179. On Army documents, my race is not 'Other'.

180. Nor is it 'Secretariat, in the third'.

181. Pokémon® trainer is not an MOS.

182. There is no FM for 'wall-to-wall counseling'.

183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. ®

184. When operating a military vehicle I may *not* attempt something 'I saw in a cartoon'.

185. My name is not a killing word.

186. I am not the Emperor of anything.

187. Must not taunt officers in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, with cigarettes.

188. May not challenge officers to 'Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn'.

189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.

190. Must not make s'mores while on guard duty.

191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.

192. The proper response to a briefing is not 'That's what you think'.

193. The Masons, and Gray Aliens are not in our chain of command.

194. Shouldn't take incriminating photos of my chain of command.

195. Shouldn't use Photoshop ® to create incriminating photos of my chain of command.

196. I am not allowed to give tattoos.

197. I am not allowed to sing 'Henry the VIII I am' until verse 68 ever again.

198. Not allowed to lead a 'Coup' during training missions.

199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.

200. My chain of command is not interested in why I 'just happen' to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.

201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.

202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.

203. 'To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.

204. NEVER nail a stuffed bunny to a cross and put it up in front of the Battalion Headquarters sign as an "Easter Desecration."

205. Don't write up false gigs on a HMMWV PMCS. ("Broken clutch pedal", "Number three turbine has frequent flame-outs", "flux capacitor emits loud whine when engaged")

206. Not allowed to get shot.

207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)

208. Not allowed to play into the deluded fantasies of the civlians who are "hearing conversations" from the NSA, FBI, CIA and KGB due to the microchip the aliens implanted in their brain.

209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness *only*. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)

210. Must not make T-shirts up depciting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

211. Don't ask LTC Steele to sign my copy of Blackhawk Down.

212. Must not go on nine deployments in six years that require a security clearance that I don't have, even if the Army tells me repeatedly that I have one and I have no reason to question them.

213. Do not convince NCO's that their razorbumps are the result of microscopic parasites.

[2b]

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the p*ssing, mother fu*kin manager, you c*cksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-fu*kin manager of this b*stard place?'

'Yes sir I am,' replies the manager,'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.

'Fu*k off' replies the bloke 'and where's the fu*kin piano?'

'Pardon?' say's the manager.

'Fu*kin deaf as well, are we? You sniveling little piece of sh*t, show me your b*stard piano' 'Ah,' replies the manager,'you've come about the pianists job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'

'Of course I can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

'That's superb. What's it called?'

'I tried to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my d*ck,' replies the bloke. The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

'Magnificent.' Cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer.'

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager has ever heard,

'And what's this called?' asks the manager.

'As I fu*k you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he does not introduce any of his songs or talks to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid eyes on. She is wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out of the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.

The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice. 'Where's that b*stard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear,' Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out of your trousers and dripping semen on your shoes?'

The bloke replies. 'Know it? I fu*kin wrote it.'

[apothecary]

lmao

[waterdragon]

a gay fella strolls into a pub in downtown auckland, flounces up to the bar and asks a great big maori bloke seated there "would you like a blow job?"

the maori is staggered, regains his composure and punches the gay fella square in the face very hard, as he falls he cops an uppercut, he is then dragged by the hair and flung down the steps, on the footpath outside and bleeding heavily he is then treated to the mother of all kickings.

the maori storms back up the steps, clearly enraged, sits back down at the bar shaking his head in astonishment. the bar tender comes over and says "shit, what was all that about?" the maori replies -

"dunno bro, something about a job"

[2b]

Telephone conversation goes:

Hello, is this the police?

Yes it is. How can we help you?"

I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine

inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in greatnumbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is

kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they dont find any cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

Hey, Wazz. Did the cops come?"

Yeah!"

Did they chop up your firewood?"

Yep."

Happy Birthday", maaaaate!!!!

[Chemical Shaman]

Blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little blue sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Adrian]

Q.How many lines of text does it take to offend you?

A.Just these two, you fuc#ing geek, get a life.

[Manisobsolete]

An Aussie was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says. The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank bastard sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out. The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a f*ckin' crowbar from Bunnings