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ZefSide95

PTSD 2018

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This isn’t very “chill” and I probably should read through the suicide/mental health thing.. I don’t mind if admin want to put it in there — I just have to write this and it’s hard.

 

I’m on another forum which is mental health oriented — I get severe anxiety/panic.. I think we should start calling these things by their “real” names though. Fear. But 2018 has taken it to another level I think. It’s some sort of PTSD (which was originally shell-shock).

 

So I’ll summarise the major things that happened:

 

—June: Health scare and trip to hospital Emergency. Experience so bad I feel like I’d rather lie at home and die.

 

—September: Police arrest over (very) minor drug use and possession. Ridiculously unfair and first police involvement since I was 16 (I’m 45).

 

—November: House fire. This was so frightening I can’t write much.

 

 

Meantime, my mother has become increasingly cold and when I mentioned suicidal thoughts she told me to “hurry up and make your will then.” My brother ODed on heroin in 2014.

 

My dad is decent but lives in the city (1.5 hours away) and has his own — more “pleasant” life. There’s been other things but those are most tangible.

 

The reason I decided to post here about this is I don’t want a psychiatrist/psychologist (been there too many times), I don’t want anti-depressants (been on and off SSRIs for 20 years).. I want ideas that suit how I feel about this thing — like my soul hurts :(

 

Music has helped me a lot, for example. Poetry has helped. Things that are meaningful to me. But I’m open to anything other than the mainstream medical profession.

 

Thanks :unsure:

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The mother wound can be one of the hardest ones to deal with, people can be so cold and seem like they have no heart some times. I am not making excuses for her or your dad but sometimes people have their own shit to deal with and don't have much else left to give afterwards. Even to their own children. 

 

Also, are you self medicating with anything? Mushrooms can sometimes help with PTSD for example (but could also make it worse), but the majority of clinical studies involving that the participants also went through some sort of therapy too, which is pretty much out of the question here in Aus.

 

I know it might not be much but we will always be here to talk to if you need it.

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1 hour ago, Caster said:

The mother wound can be one of the hardest ones to deal with, people can be so cold and seem like they have no heart some times. I am not making excuses for her or your dad but sometimes people have their own shit to deal with and don't have much else left to give afterwards. Even to their own children. 

 

Also, are you self medicating with anything? Mushrooms can sometimes help with PTSD for example (but could also make it worse), but the majority of clinical studies involving that the participants also went through some sort of therapy too, which is pretty much out of the question here in Aus.

 

I know it might not be much but we will always be here to talk to if you need it.

 

Thank you :) The hardest thing with mum is she already lost one child to drugs.. But rather than improve her relationship with me, it’s worsened it if anything. I was always the “problem” child (was a bad alcoholic but have finally got to the point I don’t even enjoy the effect) and my bro more “normal”. He was sneaking around though, using H occasionally (and had various other chemicals in his blood).

 

Anyway, it’s as if she’s hardened her heart even more in case something happens to me as well. She was already cold but now she’s just nasty. I’ve cut off communication and I’m planning on moving to the Riverland SA, where my daughter is. I don’t know if I’ll ever reconcile with her now.

 

I am self-medicating - not with booze but with stuff I know isn’t helping and I’d rather not say. I need a better environment before I can deal with it. I despise where I am at the moment. Mushrooms are on my list actually.. I think being in a peaceful place will go a long way to helping though.

 

Yes, just talking to people who think outside the box re mental health is helpful.

 

Thanks x

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I didn’t mean to pry with the self medicating comment, Sorry if that came across as a bit rude. :) what I was trying to ask was if you were currently using any sort of psycadelics. 

 

sometimes when a relationship gets toxic like that especially with family members the only thing you can do is cut them off unfortunately. I’ve had friends who have been in psychologically abusive relationships with parents, even reconnecting with them after long periods to still suffer the same fate. obviously I don’t know your situation, but Sometimes it’s all you can do. If it helps your own mental health and self worth just do it. 

 

Im only recently introduced to psycadelics but from what I’ve read and heard about them so far  makes me believe that they have real potential to heal and help people so they’re absolutely worth a try. If you’re pre disposed to other psychological conditions it’s always best to start at very low doses and work your way up.

 

Absolutely with what you’re saying about being in a better place before you try them. Set and setting as they say. If you do psycadelics in a bad headspace or environment I reckon you’re much more likely to end up having a bad time. 

 

Dont take anything I say as gospel, I don’t know that much :)

 

 

Edited by Caster
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No matter what one has gone through if ya here than you have the strength to be here, draw upon that strength in which is proven by your being here, identify it and embrace it. 

we are creating narratives every moment, what is is but all we really got is interpretations, what is is one thing tho our interpretation of it is endless and infinite and we can choose the spin or story or I should say the way in which our story is narrated. 

 

In no way am I trying to diminish that which has happened but when one looks back upon things are we seeing what was or are we seeing our spin on it, our narrative, I believe there is a little secret there, in that we can limit ourselves to one story, what if you can go back within your mind re witness a situation and gain a different  perspective, travel through time in our minds and if able to gain a different perspective we may be able to alter our current view and thus change our current emotional status and hence create or be part of a different future then what would have been other wise. 

 

I may just be speaking goo goo but another thing in which aids me is embracing impermanence, all no matter what is impermanent, this can at times make me euphoric that this very moment is sweet (no matter the circumstance) and fleeting,  a symphony of consciousness swimming within this amazing physical experience. creators and co creators of every moment, and no matter how intense and for what duration is inevitably impermanent (ah sweet relief of the fact)

 

And the more emotion and physical experience we have the more enriched our personal experience is and the more we have to share with others on the journey, and a greater spectrum we have experienced. Don't be fooled by those who appear to have it sweet, anyone can have it sweet if we direct the narrative in a way in which we can self realize our strength and the beauty of our own experience, sometimes a deep pain can be a beautiful thing, if the height of pain and height of joy were on a pie chart there at the opposite ends of the chart yet they touch, I believe there can be a euphoric beauty in pain. 

 

After all that I don't want to appear insensitive or to seem to not acknowledge all in which you have been through and most certainly it is quite a lot, just see that if you are here speaking of it you are strong man, reality is all you have read here is just black and white squiggles, I just hope they might be interpreted in a way that may be useful or at least aid in your/our future narrative, thing is that once I read your post my future is forever altered and if you read this so is yours (creators and co creators) that's the power we each have and with a broader spectrum of experience and a narrative that aids you to go with it you have great power and influence on others in which may be experiencing difficulties and hardship. 

 

I hope this makes some sense ? all in all it a magical thing just to be able to feel and experience, I am hoping you all the best and hoping you may always have not what you want but what you need and the sight to see that if you are here you indeed have all you need : )

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45 minutes ago, Caster said:

I didn’t mean to pry with the self medicating comment, Sorry if that came across as a bit rude. :) what I was trying to ask was if you were currently using any sort of psycadelics. 

 

sometimes when a relationship gets toxic like that especially with family members the only thing you can do is cut them off unfortunately. I’ve had friends who have been in psychologically abusive relationships with parents, even reconnecting with them after long periods to still suffer the same fate. obviously I don’t know your situation, but Sometimes it’s all you can do. If it helps your own mental health and self worth just do it. 

 

Im only recently introduced to psycadelics but from what I’ve read and heard about them so far  makes me believe that they have real potential to heal and help people so they’re absolutely worth a try. If you’re pre disposed to other psychological conditions it’s always best to start at very low doses and work your way up.

 

Absolutely with what you’re saying about being in a better place before you try them. Set and setting as they say. If you do psycadelics in a bad headspace or environment I reckon you’re much more likely to end up having a bad time. 

 

Dont take anything I say as gospel, I don’t know that much :)

 

 

 

44 minutes ago, bardo said:

No matter what one has gone through if ya here than you have the strength to be here, draw upon that strength in which is proven by your being here, identify it and embrace it. 

we are creating narratives every moment, what is is but all we really got is interpretations, what is is one thing tho our interpretation of it is endless and infinite and we can choose the spin or story or I should say the way in which our story is narrated. 

 

In no way am I trying to diminish that which has happened but when one looks back upon things are we seeing what was or are we seeing our spin on it, our narrative, I believe there is a little secret there, in that we can limit ourselves to one story, what if you can go back within your mind re witness a situation and gain a different  perspective, travel through time in our minds and if able to gain a different perspective we may be able to alter our current view and thus change our current emotional status and hence create or be part of a different future then what would have been other wise. 

 

I may just be speaking goo goo but another thing in which aids me is embracing impermanence, all no matter what is impermanent, this can at times make me euphoric that this very moment is sweet (no matter the circumstance) and fleeting,  a symphony of consciousness swimming within this amazing physical experience. creators and co creators of every moment, and no matter how intense and for what duration is inevitably impermanent (ah sweet relief of the fact)

 

And the more emotion and physical experience we have the more enriched our personal experience is and the more we have to share with others on the journey, and a greater spectrum we have experienced. Don't be fooled by those who appear to have it sweet, anyone can have it sweet if we direct the narrative in a way in which we can self realize our strength and the beauty of our own experience, sometimes a deep pain can be a beautiful thing, if the height of pain and height of joy were on a pie chart there at the opposite ends of the chart yet they touch, I believe there can be a euphoric beauty in pain. 

 

After all that I don't want to appear insensitive or to seem to not acknowledge all in which you have been through and most certainly it is quite a lot, just see that if you are here speaking of it you are strong man, reality is all you have read here is just black and white squiggles, I just hope they might be interpreted in a way that may be useful or at least aid in your/our future narrative, thing is that once I read your post my future is forever altered and if you read this so is yours (creators and co creators) that's the power we each have and with a broader spectrum of experience and a narrative that aids you to go with it you have great power and influence on others in which may be experiencing difficulties and hardship. 

 

I hope this makes some sense ? all in all it a magical thing just to be able to feel and experience, I am hoping you all the best and hoping you may always have not what you want but what you need and the sight to see that if you are here you indeed have all you need : )

 

Thanks for your thoughtful replies :) I will re-read when able..

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I think facing whatever it is that's causing your pain is the only way to move forward without repeating the same patterns. Acceptance is very important. Everything is ok, if it's possible it's permissible. Don't worry about whether it's acceptable.

If you can dry yourself out so that you can safely drink harmalas every day for at least a week you will find help to see a way forward, but that's just the start of the work. There's no easy way but you already know that. We're here for you and with you, lots of us have been through the grinder.

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18 hours ago, Glaukus said:

I think facing whatever it is that's causing your pain is the only way to move forward without repeating the same patterns. Acceptance is very important. Everything is ok, if it's possible it's permissible. Don't worry about whether it's acceptable.

If you can dry yourself out so that you can safely drink harmalas every day for at least a week you will find help to see a way forward, but that's just the start of the work. There's no easy way but you already know that. We're here for you and with you, lots of us have been through the grinder.

 

Well see I’m not really using that much of anything.. Compared to my alcoholic days I’m really straight. People think alcohol is ok because it’s legal and socially acceptable. Hell, in this country beer is cheaper than Coke (cola haha). I’ve spoken to a GP about this and she said the alcohol lobby is very powerful.. You just have to look at the advertising to see just how much freedom the industry has. Even the dockets you get at the supermarket have offers at the bottom — “buy one bottle of Scotch and get one free”. Meanwhile, cigarettes are locked in this filing cabinet thing and buying a pack is a bit like some shady drug deal from the boot of a car. Not to mention the pricing. The difference between the attitude toward alcohol/cigarettes in Australia is a huge bug bear of mine because alcohol is what landed me in ICU for a week in 2008 with pancreatic necrosis.

 

But yeah I really think any drugs I’m using atm are secondary/symptomatic of the trauma. If you ever end up in hospital though, NEVER tell them you use anything illicit because you’ll be written-off. Of all the dealings I had in 2018 with hospital/police/fire brigade, the hospital was the worst. The cops have always been assholes (mind you, Australia is becoming a police state more and more) but the hospital wasn’t too bad ten years ago. Now it’s like hell on earth. I went there for a physical thing but ended up having huge panic attacks and had to beg this doctor like some kind of junky for 10mg of Valium, but he was quite happy to give me Zyprexa (anti-psychotic), which I suspect was a factor in why I was there in the first place! I told them that but noone took any notice. Again, benzos are completely demonised, while they give out anti-psychotics and anti-depressants like candy. The medical profession is probably the #1 factor in this whole PTSD thing.

 

/rant :)

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"Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, and which incorporates itself with the grapes to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy."

Benjamin Franklin

 

Image result for beer is proof that god wants man to be happy quote

 

 

P.S I don't know the validity of those quotes, I do think that all intoxicants, plants and inebriants etc have a place and can be utilized by man for aid, spiritual quests, healing, understanding and such, and that all one has done and going to do is in perfect precision to ones own journey, I also agree with glaukus, those Peruvian shamans where onto something and what it is may make one laugh and cry but at the same time can give peace and understanding that can make near darn anything 100% ok, like a glimpse of the possible beyond, like a dance with the non physical, a way in which shows the more hardship we endure the sweeter the relief, I believe pure unconditional love awaits each and every one of us, the more we lack this love here and now the sweeter it will be when it greats us. 

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This may not be helpful but maybe it will be. A few years ago I went through the worst period of my life, I won't go into the details, it's not important anyway.

Two things helped me more than anything else.

1. Everything that happens to you while you are alive is your responsibility. Maybe you didn't cause the things to happen, but whatever happens is your responsibility to deal with, and you have to take responsibility for it in order to deal with it.

2. You're going to die. We're all going to die. We are meant to die. There's no avoiding it. Once you fully comprehend this, your problems may not feel so big. I actually take a lot of comfort in this fact and it brings me peace to know that one day I most likely won't even be remembered at all.

That's pretty blunt I know. 

There's a good book that I recommend: "Fear" by Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Than. It's full of gentle advice that may help you with your PTSD. It teaches you that your worries and fears are not to be avoided, you talk to them and tell them that you will look after them and give them love, after all they are a part of you like all the other parts.

 

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I agree 100% with what you wrote glaukus 

40 minutes ago, Glaukus said:

You're going to die. We're all going to die. We are meant to die. There's no avoiding it. Once you fully comprehend this, your problems may not feel so big. I actually take a lot of comfort in this fact and it brings me peace to know that one day I most likely won't even be remembered at all.

Amen 

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On 17/01/2019 at 8:49 PM, bardo said:

"Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards, and which incorporates itself with the grapes to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy."

Benjamin Franklin

 

Image result for beer is proof that god wants man to be happy quote

 

 

P.S I don't know the validity of those quotes, I do think that all intoxicants, plants and inebriants etc have a place and can be utilized by man for aid, spiritual quests, healing, understanding and such, and that all one has done and going to do is in perfect precision to ones own journey, I also agree with glaukus, those Peruvian shamans where onto something and what it is may make one laugh and cry but at the same time can give peace and understanding that can make near darn anything 100% ok, like a glimpse of the possible beyond, like a dance with the non physical, a way in which shows the more hardship we endure the sweeter the relief, I believe pure unconditional love awaits each and every one of us, the more we lack this love here and now the sweeter it will be when it greats us. 

 

Yeah I mean if you can do things in moderation, all good, but alcoholism is rife in Oz. I can’t get it atm cos I’m on a phone, but I’ve got some info on alcohol written by a doctor whose life’s work is detox/rehab.. It’s one hell of a drug basically, in terms of the number of neurotransmitters it affects. Shamanic cultures were/are able to use things moderately and with respect. We tend not to.

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It’s nearly 2am and I can’t write on a proper keyboard so I’ll be extremely brief. I humbly suggest you have a look at Transpersonal Therapy which can take many forms with how it’s utilised for the client (art/music/body movement/counselling etc). It’s not even the Contemporary idea of Art Therapy - it’s so much more. But if it doesn’t call you, then it doesn’t call you :) I’m just offering something you may not have seen. 

 

Ive got PTSD (undiagnosed) from a police incident in April last year. 

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On 20/01/2019 at 2:02 AM, FancyPants said:

It’s nearly 2am and I can’t write on a proper keyboard so I’ll be extremely brief. I humbly suggest you have a look at Transpersonal Therapy which can take many forms with how it’s utilised for the client (art/music/body movement/counselling etc). It’s not even the Contemporary idea of Art Therapy - it’s so much more. But if it doesn’t call you, then it doesn’t call you :) I’m just offering something you may not have seen. 

 

Ive got PTSD (undiagnosed) from a police incident in April last year. 

 

Thanks.. That sounds very much like Jungian psychology, which I love and have studied formally a bit. 

 

Yeah mine’s “undiagnosed” but a couple of doctors have said I seem traumatised. I like what George Carlin says here about terms like PTSD. Such a clever guy :)

 

 

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On 17/01/2019 at 9:15 PM, Glaukus said:

This may not be helpful but maybe it will be. A few years ago I went through the worst period of my life, I won't go into the details, it's not important anyway.

Two things helped me more than anything else.

1. Everything that happens to you while you are alive is your responsibility. Maybe you didn't cause the things to happen, but whatever happens is your responsibility to deal with, and you have to take responsibility for it in order to deal with it.

2. You're going to die. We're all going to die. We are meant to die. There's no avoiding it. Once you fully comprehend this, your problems may not feel so big. I actually take a lot of comfort in this fact and it brings me peace to know that one day I most likely won't even be remembered at all.

That's pretty blunt I know. 

There's a good book that I recommend: "Fear" by Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Than. It's full of gentle advice that may help you with your PTSD. It teaches you that your worries and fears are not to be avoided, you talk to them and tell them that you will look after them and give them love, after all they are a part of you like all the other parts.

 

 

Yep, a big part of it is I already had very bad anxiety.. When I get really panicky I sometimes talk to myself as if I were an adult talking to a child, because essentially the fear is my inner-child thinking it’s literally going to die. It doesn’t help that my mother says things like “if you want to stay alive you will pack a bag and call the ambulance..” :rolleyes: In other words “you will die if..” It feels like it’s embedded in the cells of my body now though, and I don’t know how to get it out. I can stop it being added to though by changing my environment.

 

Re the “you are going to die” (the philosophical concept not mum’s neurosis!):

 

 

Edited by ZefSide95

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