fruit and nuts

[spooge]

Okies, so recently I had what is called a psychotic break, this is the result of eating too much drugs, compounded with stress and fear.

I've spent the last few weeks recovering, all drugs are gone from my life and premises.
It's been very difficult as I was using so many types of drugs.
I've not had a smoke for nearly a week, having been a daily mega smoker for 20 years it's quite incredible the difference.

I abused the sacred and I have paid the price


I would like to apologise to this forum for my behaviour during my melt down, I really did some stoopid things.

I would like to apologise to Incognito and Bullit
These two people are far more worthy of any reputation than I.
They were right and I am wrong.

I would like to thank all who have helped me and who are helping me.
It's really quite amazing the assistance I've received.

A huge thanks to T for making this forum the great place it is.
Also of course the moderation team.



Mental illness cost money, n lots of it, so unfortunatly I'm liquidating a part of my cactus collection to pay off my debts, this is being done with Cheezelburger on eBay, so get in there over the next few months as there will be some bargains listed.

When I have fixed everyone up on here I have some nice auctions planned for seeds and prints and swabs I have, as I'm not setting up a web site now I've a lot of excess stuff to offload to my friends old and new on here.



Lots has been going on here that I have missed, this is really the best forum in the world.
I love you all and will be back, brighter and healthy n drug free.

Lol n they got rid of abbot during my absence, nice

NB- we have edited the title only

Edited December 3, 2015 by olive

[BedOSpines]

Good to hear you getting through it mate, 8 months off the ciggys myself. Will be looking for those bargins

[Maxofoz]

Glad you've taken the harder road and are dealing with your demons, rather than let them control you and head into a downward spiral. An new outlook and a different perspective can only be a positive thing. I hope you find the inner peace your looking for.

[Conv3rgence]

I had one of these a couple of years ago, don't be hard in yourself. I also quit smoking as a result, and it saves a lot of money for sure. Seeing the other lost souls in the mental hospital and hearing their stories, made me realize I wasnt that fucked up after all. I hope you heal, the only advice I have is that the 'insanity' part is unimportant. The problem is the fear, and how this gets magnified by drugs and lack of sleep/nutrition. If you can conquer the fear, a little insanity can be an ally. Most of the famous people from history that i admire were batshit crazy, but they made it their strength. If your experience was anything like mine, then its actually a healing process. Sometimes things need to be broken before they can be fixed.

[☽Ţ ҉ĥϋηϠ₡яღ☯ॐ€ðяئॐ♡Pϟiℓℴϟℴ]

big hugs and love ya too m8

[tarenna]

Hang in there Olive and good on you for striving to deal with this stuff. I hope the future is up and up.

[Etho]

Good on you Olive, drug culture can sometimes take a real hold unexpectedly, good luck with the recovery. I'll be staying tuned for the auction when your up to it

[stonewolf]

This is no doubt too nosey but would you care to elaborate on 'a lot of drugs '?

Not all drugs being equal and all.

The only time I've ever felt mentally unwell was after a 5 day amphetamine binge when I started seeing things and panicking.

Didn't feel quite right for months after that.

Good luck with getting better.

[Slocombe]

Glad to hear you've turned a corner Olive. It was evident from some of your posts that you were under an enormous amount of stress

[Cue]

Proper sleep, exercise and nutrition are essential for anyone to maintain mental health.

One issue with narcotics, including (my favorites) caffeine and nicotine, is that they rob of you vitamins such as B complex.

Also, get some sunshine. Because we get vitamins A,D and K from the sun.

 

Edited November 2, 2015 by Cue

[Fenris]

Kudos, I hope the road to recovery is a smooth one.

Edited November 2, 2015 by Fenris

[Strontium Dawg]

Welcome back man, get well.

[paradox]

Its hard having one of these damn crazy human brains sometimes eh, I wish you luck with a positive recovery back to health man but unfortunately both incog & bullit have now left the forum so most probably won't benefit from your timely & heartfelt apology

[Subaeruginosin]

Welcome to the dark side, brother!

Don't believe all the hype... once you cross over, theirs no easy way back.

[J Smith]

Good luck mate

[gtarman]

Welcome to the dark side, brother!

Don't believe all the hype... once you cross over, theirs no easy way back.

That doesn't strike me as a particularly helpful or supportive thing to say subbo. I don't mean to invalidate or discount your experience or to have a dig or start an argument, just saying that it might not really be what somebody in Olive's position needs to hear is all.

Time, healthy habits and sobriety can work wonders, and human brains are pretty resilient and good at bouncing back to equilibrium when given the chance and the right conditions.

Hope you're okay Olive, keep up the work you need to get better, seeing doctors, eating right, getting sunlight, socialising and exercising. A couple of books that I've personally found helpful in terms of supporting my brain's health through lifestyle factors (which can be used in addition to - not as a replacement for - proper medical care) are: The Brain Diet (by Alan Logan), The Depression Cure (by Stephen Illardi, written about depression but I suspect would be beneficial for overall mental health) and Spark (by John Ratey). You might find those useful - if you don't want to read the whole books and would like my limited notes on them instead shoot me a PM.

Be well mate

Edited November 5, 2015 by gtarman

[pinegapcontrol]

welcome to the club. The world is a vampire. fuck pleasantries, subby im sorry but you seem like a whinging bitch, based on other posts not just this one. things will never be the same ol but there is well and truly hope. just a new kind of hope, it can be a rocky road but it is a road, not a cliff. im pissed. listening to baby bitch so forgive me.

Edited November 6, 2015 by pinegapcontrol

[pinegapcontrol]

Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, thats how the light gets in.

[pinegapcontrol]

raise your seeds man!!! its the most satisfying part of cacti growing there is, nice and chill man, set and relax for a bit, mozy out and check them each day, its fun man, i cannae recommend it enough. gee im doing well with spelling tonight.

[pinegapcontrol]

 

[spooge]

Oops, double post.

Edited November 21, 2015 by olive

[spooge]

Though I read this thread and cringe a bit, not at the replies - at the op, I thought it best that I should reply.

And reply as candid as possible, some of what's below may be considered self incriminating, though I've nothing to hide.

THANK YOU for the supportive and considerate replies.

Logging in and reading the encouraging responses kinda lifted my spirits and galvanised my resolve during some very dark days.

The Corroboree really is a very unique and special forum of which their is no match.

THANK YOU.

It's 6 weeks now since I last drugged.

Having spent the last 2 weeks of October as a shivering, sweating, bed ridden mess who could only eat mushed veggies and drink rehydration fluids, experiencing the pain of withdrawal like I never had before, I'm very glad to write I am now 'illicit' drug free.

By smoking I meant cannabis, not tobacco, I stopped smoking tobacco 4 years ago after being a pack a day then a pouch every week smoker for close on 20 years, though I've been known to have the very rare ciggy since stopping smoking, this was one of the hardest things I have done. After trying many times to stop I ended up going to the docs who prescribed Champix. This is a drug that defiantly helped me stop, also it can be very dangerous and has been known to really fuck some people up. I detected early on whilst taking this drug that it was changing me in ways so I halved the dose and only took half a pill a day instead of the prescribed dosage.

This being the case I had a 'double' supply and took the Champix for a year instead of the 6 month limit.

I feel now that this has altered me in a way, wether beneficial or not the side affects have been worth it to kick the tobacco habit.

After being a full time cannabis smoker for 20 something years I can honestly say having stopped for 6 weeks now is wonderful.

The clarity of thought and dealing with my issues instead of masking them with lung full of numbing smoke has been the magnificent.

I have issues with anxiety and used cannabis to quell and mask these issues, self medicating seemed beneficial when it was really harming me, having stopped now I can see this in a way I havnt been able to before.

Along with cannabis I have been a binger on many other substances over a 20ish year period, at times dependant on certain things and have reduced my life down to a suitcase many a time. After numerous low paid jobs and quite a few years on and off the doll in my mid 20's I woke up and got a tertiary education and cleaned myself up enough to have a career and full time job, still I would go on binges and waste myself on the weekends with a host of drugs and substances, searching for something that was there all the time, I just had to see it.

Drug addiction is not a disease.

Drug addiction is a state of mind, the brain trains itself to accept and enjoy the grow or the chase, the drugging and the self loathing, these repeated patterns are enforced by the brain as it would much rather be releasing dopamine and other cushy chems than dealing with reality. Synapses are reinforced by drug taking and after a while the brain has trained itself to not draw any pleasure from what was once considered normal and pleasurable, it relies only on what it has been taught and if one is drugging all the time this becomes normal to the brain. To this end there becomes no alternative for the drug addicted person, the only thing that matters is getting wasted and ensuring there is enough drugs to get wasted again and again and again.

My drug journey started out as a spiritual quest, searching for the answers as I felt disenfranchised and alienated.

I know now their is no solace in drug taking, I know now that it is harmful and habit forming, that my brain needs retraining so it enjoys reality and not a dream world that's addled with substance abuse.

This is me, I am not casting aspersions on others who choose to seek and search, we are all on our own quest, how we each individually deal with this is our own choice untill our brains decide for us.

Food is a wonderful, gardening is awesome, sunshine and health is what it's all about.

Functioning normally and not relying on a quick fix.

Dealing with issues as they come along and not letting them all add up in a surmountable heap that cannot be faced.

Relationship, love and harmony.

Ridding oneself of old baggage, moving on and being happy, a genuine happy, not a false bliss that wares off leaving nothing but the feeling of wanting more.

The ability to recognise the pain, the anguish and the hurt.

All essential mechanisms that are being addressed instead of denied.

I still have a few issues to deal with.

And are approaching these in a mature and sober way.

Time and energy, levelness and clarity are all aiding me in the repairing of myself and those around me that I have 'harmed' during my downward spiral.

I've no qualms in acknowledging that I have been mentally ill.

Now I am on a government subsidised mental health plan, this I have instigated myself as I recognise the need to address the issues and causes of why my brain and I chose to do the the things we have.

This is not easy, I'm very lucky to have support of friends and a loving partner that are helping me through this time.

I havnt stopped taking drugs for them or you, I am doing this for myself as I aknowledge the harm that continued drugging has done to others and myself. Mental illness is in my family, be it genetic or environmental it is there, I denied this and treated it like its not going to happen to me, but it did wether self inflicted or wether it was predestined it has happened and having to accept this is not an easy thing to do.

Acceptance is the first step to healing, followed by enabling oneself to carry the load and deal with the issues and ups and downs of living today whilst also considering the past and most importantly the future. For me drugs are not the answer, they were the problem.

6 weeks is early days yet, there's a long road ahead, thankfully the road ends and a new beginning awaits, I can see the sun at the end and that where I'm headed, to a glorious sun drenched garden that's warm with all the good things and not cold with addiction.

Once again wonderfull Corroboree I love you dearly and am here for you as you have been here for me, clean, strong and dedicated.

[coolname]

That is really good news man. Things can only get better from here

I don't know what else to say other than I am so happy for you ☺

[gtarman]

Great to hear you're on the mend Olive, and especially that you've acknowledged that you need help - doing that is usually really hard in Western cultures that tell you asking for help is weak - on the contrary, asking for help makes us stronger. It took me a long time to realize that, but my life has become immeasurably richer since I stopped trying to shoulder everything on my own.

And good on you with re:seeing a psychologist under the mental healthcare plan. My only advice on that is that if you don't feel a psychologist is right for you, you can always keep looking until you find one who is. Word of mouth from trusted friends and people on your wavelength is usually a good way to find one. And seeing a good psychologist can make such a big difference to your life.

Best of luck mate!

[wert]

olive best wishes mate.

I hope you have a speedy recovery.

when I had my breakdown it took nearly 3 years to come back and to be brutally honest I'm still not quite back yet but the journey has made me such a better person.

I will follow the road of recovery with you.

you seem like a really nice guy. it's unfortunate these things happen to decent people.

be happy mate you deserve it.

wert.