TRAGEDY STRIKES!!!!!!!!!

[Chemical Shaman]

TGOF DELETED

TGOD DELETED

THERE AREN'T ANY WORDS THAT CAN DESCRIBE MY ANGER EXCEPT FOR MAYBE FURIOUS, OR FUCKING FURIOUS!!!!!! YEAH THAT WOULD WORK!!!!!!

WHAT TEH HELL KIND OF FUCKED UP WORL DO WE LIVE IN WHEN GOOD HEARTED PEOPLE LIKE TGOF JUST GET DELETED ALL OVER THE SHOP LIKE IT'S TESTICLE TUESDAY OR SOME SHIT.

THIS IS A FREAKIN OUTRAGE.

APALLING

[gem]

Author Topic: I AM THE GOD OF FUCK

The God of Fuck

unregistered posted 30 December 2001 18:46

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's right you filthy bitches!!!!

I have surpassed Chemical Shamanism and I have now transcended into the realm of holiness, the trinity of fuck! I am the father of fuck, the son of fuck and I am the holy fuck!!!!

The Chemical Shaman is no more, he has been deleted. Over 450 posts gone in the blink of an eye because it would have taken "a while" to make a backup.

Everything that made Chemical Shaman is now gone, make way for THE GOD OF FUCK!

With this new title also comes new responsibilities.

Prepare to see an:

80% increase in profanity

20% increase in nudity (im naked right now and "touching it")

36% increase in shenanigans

I have also put into place some new forum rules

Immunity

From today onwards it is a sin to ban the god of fuck from the forums. Doing so may well jeopardise your afterlife. You could be sent to hell to shove pineapples up the ass of Hitler (along with satori!). Banning the God of Fuck will be considered the most obscene act of blasphemy possible.

Allegiance

From today onwards in order to become a member of these boards you must first pledge allegiance to the god of fuck. If you are not prepared to do this you may not visit these boards. This includes YOU Torsten.

Consideration

It has occurred to me how inconsiderate you sons of bitches really are. You are only posting for yourselves and other people like yourselves paying little or no attention to the 3 major disability groups i.e. the Blind, the Illiterates and the French. From today onwards I expect to see multi posting formats put into place. If you make a post that you can read you better be damn sure that everyone else can read it too. Failing to do so will be a sin.

All of my posts after this one will be made available to the blind, the illiterate and the French.

Masturbation

From today onwards if you are going to masturbate you must do so over me. You are to print out a picture of the god of fuck and stare directly into my eyes as you masturbate. If you are married or defacto then mutual masturbation is advised. However you must both be wearing your "God of Fuck" masks which will be made available soon. This means that by masturbating over Veronica (yes I mean you shroomy) you are committing a sin. Punnishable by the "Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich". If you are one who enjoys masturbating in public (I know I do) you are required to carry a wallet-sized photo at all times.

BBQ

On the third Sunday of every month I will be holding a BBQ at my house. If you live in Victoria you are required to come. This is absolutely compulsory. If you are one of those sicko vegan freaks I will be providing several sticks of celery. If you do not live in Victoria you will be required to go to the following locations.

NSW: Shroomys House

QLD: The house of Rekowski

More locations to be released soon.

Please note: If you are attending BBQ's at Shroomys house please respect his rules and don't be "titty grabbing" his wife. He has very little tolerance for such things.

Please also note that these events are compulsory and failure to show up will result in me coming to your house and beating the living shit out of you.

Name Changes

The following people are to change their names to those listed below

Shroomy-Reverend Shroomy

Congratulations, you are now a reverend for the church of fuck.

Waterdragon- High Priest water dragon

(alternatively High Priest H2O Dragon)

Nozzle Boy- You will be known as the Chemical Jesus. As of today you are my right hand man, like unto my son. Your duties will be very important, for example crucifixion etc.

Darcy- You are to be known as Dr Love.

Please change your name immediately.

Tithing

As with all good religions comes a tithe.

From this day forth you will be required to send to me 10% of any drugs you purchase.

For example if you purchase a gram of cannabis you will be required to send me 100mg of cannabis.

If you buy a trip you will be required to send me 10-15micrograms of LSD (yes I will be measuring)

It is advised that if you are purchasing pills you do so 10 at a time as it will make measuring easier. If you do not pay tithe you will be sent to hell where use of drugs is strictly prohibited.

Stalking

I am hereby banning my stalker from stalking me. I know you are reading this you sick fucko and I want you to know that every time you fuck with me and every time you fuck with my family it only makes me stronger. Why don't you get a hobby you demented bitch? My patience is wearing thin!

Sending of Virus's

You know who you are motherfucker. If you email me another virus I am going to beat the living shit out of you. Do you think I am so goddamn stupid that I don’t have virus protection???? Do you also think I am stupid enough to just go opening up mysterious attachments willy nilly? Get fucked punk, you cannot hurt me. I can and will hurt you though!!!!

Heaven and Hell

Did you know that in the Christians heaven it is illegal to take drugs, you cant buy em anywhere, not even from that seedy looking dude on that cloud next to moses's house. Also did you know that in heaven bitches don't shave their legs? You got chicks walking around with hair so thick you could brush it!!! NOT IN MY HEAVEN BABY!!!

It's real simple, you follow the rules you go to heaven. My heaven is very similar to Hugh Heffners "PlayBoy Mansion" except theres more drugs and the girlies are better.

You can literally walk up to a tree and pick an MDMA apple from a branch. The drugs are plentiful and pure, there's plenty of things to do, there’s no gospel fucking hymns, no harps, no guilt, it's a blissful paradise. All I ask is you follow my rules and I’ll see you in the afterlife!!!

Price of admission

This rule is simple. If you read my posts you reply to my posts. Even if it's just one word I don't care. If you don't like this rule then don't read my posts. If I find out you are breaking this rule I will be sending the Chemical Jesus to beat the living shit out of you. That boy's got a nasty head stomp manoeuvre you has to be seen to be believed.

Quotes

From today onwards you are all to create signature files to attach to your posts. In this signature file must be a quote from the god of fuck. Some examples are

-------------------------------

"The bitches need my inches"

-The God of Fuck

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"I'd rather slurp rancid tuna salad out of mulga's unwashed asshole"

-The God of Fuck

-------------------------------

"I'll bring home the Turkey if you bring home the Bacon."

-The God of Fuck

--------------------------------

"Tom is gay"

-The God of Fuck

--------------------------------

This is the format that they must be in. The ONLY format.

You may also use complete sentences if you like

I.e.

------------------------------

"It wasn't until the road ahead of me exploded into an astonishing array of fractals that I decided to close my eyes and let god take the wheel."

-The God of Fuck

-------------------------------

Amen

All emails sent to my inbox must end with AMEN.

simple enough

Tom is gay

This isn't a rule. Im just letting you know.

Sodomy

Under my new religion sodomy is not a sin. Infact it is encouraged as often as possible.

Christmas Cards

It's been quite a few years for me now but im bringing this move back into play. Every year you are required to take photo's of yourself doing something illegal and then make them into Christmas Cards and mail them to your local police station. You are to address them to "Officer Pigfucker" "Sergent ass-jammer" etc. This will make the dang police furious beyond belief and will provide an unimaginable amount of laughs for yourself.

Example.

(**how do I insert the photo??**)

Pineapple Doughnut

Im hungry , somebody get me a pineapple doughnut.

Social Interaction

If you live in Victoria you will be required to meet up with me every so often for a night of havoc. These nights will be called "Shenanigan nights" and may include the taking of narcotics. Bring a friend.

Backups

To prevent such a travesty from happening again you are all to make backups of my posts. If we ever see a repeat of the recent events you will have something to remember me by.

Photo Albums

If you invite me to your house for Christmas lunch and you think I would derive immense enjoyment from looking at an album full of fuckwits that I have never met and know nothing about, you are sorely mistaken. I couldn't give a shit about seeing photos of your drunken cousins making fuckwits of themselves , I have no desire to sit there for hours while you tell me the story behind every single fucking photo in your album. You are a fucken dumbass if you think otherwise. Shove your photo albums up your ass.

Dogs

If you have one of those stupid annoying horny dogs that have to fuckin start with the leg humping as soon as a stranger walks through the door, don’t invite me to your house for Christmas lunch. If your dog comes anywhere near me I will kick that little fuck in it's head. If you have to, give your dog a goddamn hand job before I come over. Such sacrilege will not be tolerated.

Slut

Gomoas now has my esteemed permission to post his story "slut" in the psychedelic expressions forum. Any interference or feminist bullshit will result in being smitten. Trust me you don't want to feel my smite , it aint pretty.

Rules

These rules can be ammended and added to at any given moment so keep on your toes bitches!!

Profanity

If you are going to be a part of the church of fuck you must learn to speak like the god of fuck. Profanity no longer exists. Words such as "nigga" and "homo" are now common speak and must be integrated into every day conversation , like unto myself.

Examples

Wassup you nigga loving homo?

(Hello , what are you up to on this fine day)

Fuck all, you low life piece of shit assjammer

(Not much really)

Wanna skank up and head to the two one for fun?

(Would you like to accompany me and some fine ladies to the local night club establishment for some drinking and dancing.)

You bet your juicy ass

(Yes that would be dandy)

Tom is gay

Incase you'd forgotten , I thought i'd throw in a little reminder.

Confessions

Pretty soon I will be setting up a 24hour confession line. You may call this line and confess your sins directly to the god of fuck. You better make sure they're damn juicy. Start sinning now so you have something decent to confess. In the meantime you can just email your confessions to me. Please be as descriptive as possible.

Fiona Horne Bashing

It has been brought to my attention that there has been a considerable amount of Fiona Horne bashing in the last few days. This is to stop immediately. If any of you filthy bitches were 1/10th the beautiful person she was this world would be a better place. Any further negative remarks directed towards her will result in you feeling my wrath. You don't want to feel my wrath.

Freedom

On 9am monday morning I want you to call your boss and tell him that you are writing his name on your balls with lipstick. Happiness will only come from freedom. Set yourself free. Please disregard this if you actually enjoy your job or if you are unemployed.

FAQ

QYou have got to be the biggest dickhead in the entire universe.

AThat's not a question fucko.Next.

QIf I live in Victoria and don't show up to one of your fuckwit BBQ's how do you plan to beat the living shit out of me if you don't know where I live?

AThat’s simple, first I hack Torstens server to get everybodys i.p addresses, then I call your isp and demand that they give me your home address, phone number, credit card details and any other personal information they may have on you. They probably wont take me seriously until I tell them that I am the great god of fuck, then they will be dishing out the info like it's going out of fashion.

QIs Tom really gay?

AYes

QYou masturbate a lot don't you?

AMore than you could possibly imagine.

QAm I allowed to contribute more than one tenth to the great god of fuck?

AYou can be as generous as you like

QCan I suck your cock?

AYes.

QWhen you say that Tom is gay, what exactly do you mean by that?

AI mean that he is a homosexual.

QI am overwhelmingly upset at the great loss incurred when Chemical Shaman was deleted from my life with the move to another server. I have not been able to get out of bed or go to work or feed my family, can you give me some ideas as to how I might overcome this tragic loss?

AYes I have prepared a "Top 5" list which I have titled "How to overcome unimaginable loss"

1.Cocaine

2.DragonBallZ (series 1-7)

3.Shenanigans

4.Naked Ladies

5.Prayer

QI'm not sure i can hold the position of Dr. Love, great God Of Fuck. My limited intake of recreational drugs would not be enough to keep this title.

AThis decision is based purely on sex appeal alone and has little or nothing to do with drug intake. Grrrrrr

QIsn't it "virii" ? If we're gonna be letting the illiterate in on the act, we may as well get them started on the right foot.

ANO, I despise the word virii as much as I despise all those cock-eaters that use the word Denis' instead of Denis's.

eg. Let's go and fuck Denis' ass

Let's go and fuck Denis's ass

You see what I mean , anyone caught using such RIDICULOUS grammar will be sent straight to hell.

QDear God of Fuck , how do you justify your over indulgence in masturbation if you are supposed to be the god of fuck.

AI take it that in this example you are using the word FUCK as slang for sexual relations , well the answer to this one is simple. In 1985 the military were commissioned to conduct experimental surgery on my reproductive glands , I was paid $1.85 an hour for this work. Not many people realise but in a freak accident I was somehow the first Australian to receive penis enhancement surgery , that's right ladies my immense cock is the result of military experimentation. Also by pure mistake my ejaculate producing organs were somehow modified (we were working close to radioactive waste you see) and my ejaculate production was increased to 25 times that of a mere mortal. This means that I am currently pumping out an excess of 1 litre of semen every single day , no longer just for pleasure but also out of necessity. So you see while I still devote a great deal of time to fuck (sexual intercourse) I also masturbate for survival , it's hard work but I have little choice in the matter. If I was to just leave it be for a day you would find a room covered top to bottom with semen and a God of Fuck with an exploded torso sitting on the bed. I want you to picture this for a while , then make yourself a bowl of custard and picture it some more while you chow down. I also masturbate as it is the only time I get to fuck my ONE true love.

Qand if your self love involves actual fucking and you have indeed scored an own-goal please send the pictures to a forum that isn't this one.

A No problem

QI don't know that this "religion" really speaks to me.

My fellow ducks feel left out.

What about our language.

ADucks are not allowed in my heaven. All ducks go straight to hell. Fuckoff.

The God of Fuck has spoken!!!!!!!

Amen

click here to download an audio recording of this post

[This message has been edited by The God of Fuck (edited 31 December 2001).]

[Darklight]

*sigh* who set him off this time C'mon CS it's getting repetitive

[Guest VENDEJO]

Fuck, I laughed.

[Auxin]

Gem, your name is Tom isnt it?

[Guest Mesqualero]

Originally posted by Auxin:

Gem, your name is Tom isnt it?

*Nudges Gem in friendly manner* Hi Tom

hehehehehehehe Ahhh you gotta laugh

There No poking to be seen hehee

[This message has been edited by Mesqualero (edited 24 April 2002).]

[gomaos]

Hey Mesq, stop POKING Gem, she's married

[spiraleyes]

hey 'mot'

[Guest Mesqualero]

Nevermind

[This message has been edited by Mesqualero (edited 24 April 2002).]

[Pablo]

lol

[gomaos]

Originally posted by Mesqualero:

*Nudges Gem in friendly manner* Hi Tom

hehehehehehehe Ahhh you gotta laugh

There No poking to be seen hehee

Mamma mia mesqualero

you maka me looka lika fool, hey?

[This message has been edited by Mesqualero (edited 24 April 2002).]

[This message has been edited by gomaos (edited 24 April 2002).]

[Chemical Shaman]

Gems married now? sweet jeepers, i'll just poke the hubby too.

[gem]

WTF - I leave the forums alone for like a day to come back and find this??????

Auxin, no - Tom is someone else - CS mentions his name so many times 'cause he has an unrequited fixation on him.

And no CS - I'm not married - jesus - you want a JPEG of the supposed hubby?

Gomaos - Mesq is allowed to nudge me - he's just being cute.

I've gone all shy now - leave me alone, I much preferred being a voyuer on these forums - not a spectacle *blushing madly*

[gomaos]

Yeah I just made that up...clever, hey?

[gem]

Originally posted by gomaos:

Yeah I just made that up...clever, hey?

Clever??? You're just a devious trouble-maker Mr Gomaos!

[Guest Mesqualero]

Sorry Gomaos... yes a poke a nudge same diff eh???

I am not the perverted one unlike some ppl around here *eyes Chemical Shaman*

I am a Gentleman-child

[Chemical Shaman]

your the one groping gems titties man.

IF TGOF IS NOT GIVEN POSTING PRIVELEGES THEN SANTA WILL DIE!!!!!!!

I WILL KILL SANTA WITH CINDERBLOCKS!!!

[Guest Mesqualero]

Only in your deluded fantasies matey

[anubian lights]

TGOF was your perversional delusion of granduer shaman. Some of us here are vibrating for the next incarnation. You have wisdom in you, butt all you feel compelled to do is utter filth. Thats fucking so funny, it brightens my shit hole day.

I see Demons man. and you got one infiltrating your mind.

Bring on the Chemical Jesus

[Torsten]

Originally posted by Chemical Shaman:

IF TGOF IS NOT GIVEN POSTING PRIVELEGES THEN SANTA WILL DIE!!!!!!!

Careful there!!! Innihilating capitalist symbols will get you on the evergrowing list of terrorists.

Libya, North Korea, Melbourne - the axis of evil.

You're gonna have to be more imaginative to get a second identity

[anubian lights]

Torsten,you forgot the USA