Seldom Posted March 27, 2012 reading, TOOL NEWSLETTER MAY 2011, E.V. Undaunted by the recent prediction of the apocalypse on Saturday, May 21st, 2011 by ‘fringe’ radio evangelist Harold Camping, members of TOOL (again, despite the impending doom!) continued to write new material for their next recording. Before continuing with a progress report (and special announcement), I would first like to personally give kudos to the guys for (unanimously!) not succumbing to all the media-driven fear surrounding Christ’s return during Oprah’s last days. But as for Mr. Camping and his crestfallen flock of gas-wasting puppet underlings, shame on all of you for frightening ‘the people down the street’, especially for scaring little girls and Scott Stapp half to death with your “end of the world” baloney! What the hell were you thinking! – you lethargic liver spot hoping to smuggle scrotal pearls into the promised land!.. Just like all those prophets of doom with their mothballed Raptures, we ‘the beer drinking public’ have a good mind to deal with Mr. Camping hickory stick fashion! If not taking turns kicking him with galoshes in his bony shin, then at least let’s give the gibbering skid-mark a black dunce cap and put him on the ducking stool! Jesus Christ on a unicycle, somebody slip some geriatric pharmaton in this chap’s Jell-O cake before terrified believers start committing suicide. What’s that you are saying: The old codger isn’t to blame. He’s just another poor misguided soul… Well, suppose the reports are true that he renewed his radio contract just days prior to his Judgement Day prediction (date)? Then would it be okay to dip his rectal suppositories in Tabasco sauce… as well as to verbally crucify all the idiots that he took (extorted?) money from? And now what’s this latest prediction for world annihilation in October by this dawdling teratoid? Can’t you just see this flabbergasted fossil (still taking donations!) with a Bible and bottle of strawberry Ensure, re-calculating on his Panasonic 850 with quivering brittle brown-flecked fingers looking like some disgusting appetizer from the Claim-Jumper! False! Inaccurate! False! (At least those guys from “Jars of Clay” are still here. It would have sucked to climb out of the rubble and see just their cloths lying there). As most of us know, the actual date for the apocalypse is December 21, 2012. That’s December 21, scrotum-face! Even dead elephants know that! Haven’t you read Daniel Pinchbeck? Even a box of doorknobs knows that! The return of Quetzalcoatl, not a catastrophe you shale in your shoes shit for brains! (Note: Readers of this website will recall a trip to the Yucatan where Adam, after buying his guide a Coke, was personally shown the tell-tale Maya calendar stele at Coba.) All right, moving forward. No matter how many new TOOL tunes are currently complete, I will personally guarantee that the new CD will be released on MAY 22, 2012 (or MAY 15, 2012). And unlike that old f**k rattling the shingles with his cauliflower and mini-Cheddars flatulence, my calculation is not based on some preposterous coded Biblical numerology. Instead, it comes from a credible source who, himself, obtained the information via trance-contact (which was written down on a scratch pad) from an interplanetary avatar (and sector commander) named ZEMKLA JR. from the city of Farlon on the planet Selo (in the Bernard’s Star System). Thus having been contacted, SEMKLA JR. traveled to the earth in a vortex device (equipped with “anti-God controls”) that he called “an extra Gamma-traversing spheroid” (whose sighting was officially listed by a general at Luke Air Force Base as “a supersonic flight of Canadian geese.”) After first warning of the dangers of indole poisons (pork, spinach, bleached flour, etc.), and demonstrating the amazing power of a Temkla pencil, Zemkla (who resembled a “Missouri Mexican wearing what looked like an astral tennis outfit, and was accompanied by beautiful women who appeared like they just stepped out of a Greek painting”), revealed the all-important date, afterwards uttering “Ino Pazis Gnurum.” Go ahead and listen to the alzur agents if you want (wearing their black dunce caps), but I’ll bet anyone a crystal glass of Plobium and 100 green trading disks that the date is correct. Feel free to spread the word anyway you want: Billboards, posters, digital bus displays, or smoke signal apps on your iPhone… In fact, braving Maricopa Sheriff Joe Arpaio (who I’m sure would love to put any interplanetary avatar resembling a Missouri Mexican into a pink jumpsuit!), tomorrow I’m going to drive to the “BELL” portal in Sedona, Arizona with hopes of meeting ZEMKLA JR. for myself. I’m going to this extra trouble in order to double-check the calculation of the TOOL CD release date (but don’t ask me what color his socks were, if a Javelina Decimator leaves a mess behind, or how many bolts are in the vortex device!). If, like Mr. Camping, I’m “just a little off”, come MAY 23rd, I don’t want to have to hole up in some Motel 6 with mobs of angry ToolArmy members banging on the door. POST SCRIPT: In a possible tangential and/or MIB encounter, shortly after finishing the newsletter, while eating at a local TACO BELL, I noticed an elderly fellow with a strange flashlight stuffed into his back pocket STANDING IN LINE. When it was HIS TURN TO ORDER, he told the woman at the counter that he was going to go outside a smoke a cigarette. He then asked what would be the latest time that he could return and order a “delicious bean burrito?” After leaving to smoke the cigarette (I assume), he returned and ordered FOR HIMSELF two bean burritos – one with NO ONIONS, the other with EXTRA ONIONS. He then turned to the person standing behind him and asked if he was a Mexican American? The reason he wanted to know (so he said) was that he wanted to learn the correct way to say “Hola”… Honestly. For a minute I thought he was going to say, “I BE ZEMKLA JR…” http://www.toolband....x.php?t=1&id=59 also http://en.wikipedia....release_in_2012 ? 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Distracted Posted March 27, 2012 They're such trolls. It's awesome. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Foo Posted March 27, 2012 my 2 cents: Maynard is a tool 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Seldom Posted March 28, 2012 good call , my friend's waiting on a vinyl of copy Koloss (thank you student staretup scholarship) Meshuggah are kings of industry proto-emo! Bahhh! TOOL were my first and for sure most intense, unbeatable live band that i've experienced, imo some of the most technically proficient music there is at the moment. when i was younger they were kind of my entry point into psychedelia. and 2/3/5 and 2/3/2 time signatures ftw. the awesomeness of their music is indelibly scorched into the fabric of my brain. i love em. i hope it's true. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cactuscarl Posted March 28, 2012 Yay new tool album can't wait. I seen them at bdo last year the sound wasn't the best but it was still awesome my 2 cents: Maynard is a tool that is blasphemy maynard is a god 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jonstn Posted March 28, 2012 Saw a bit of TOOL at last years BDO, wasn't very impressed, but that was probably because we just finished watching rammstien do the most epic performance I have ever seen, so much fire, so many explosions, fuck it was good. So so fucking good. 2 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FancyPants Posted March 28, 2012 my 2 cents: Maynard is a tool I think when someone's staunchly and unashamedly anti-pop, it's a bit hard not for it not to come across as major toolage. BUT (IMHO of course) I think ALL the guys are fucking legends in their own rights as musicians. I don't give much of a damn what they're like personally; the band is about their music, not their hobbies and bedside manners. The band brings together all their respective genius into one excruciatingly mind-bogglingly amazing blend of talents to make in my opinion one of the top five best bands ever for various reasons. Aenima is such a pivotal album which I relate to more and more as I grow older which I find fascinating. I felt connected to it at 14, and at 30 I'm still finding I relate to it on more and more levels; how the fuck does that happen?? Their (more particularly Maynard's) journey from the release of opiate abuse into the mind-expansion of psychedelics and the progression into psychedelics as having potential for abuse as well as depression issues parlayed with phenomenally sounding music is on par with the greatest natural euphoriants I've ever come across. I really hope they're not pulling our legs with this (the bastards ), and this time I'm damn well going to one of the Tool concerts, not just at BDO which I was a bit disappointed at the sound of last year, at least I got to enjoy them with Lucy this time. I was totally pissed off wrecked that I didn't get to go to the sole concert just because my last partner chucked a hissy fit that he couldn't take the time off work to come with me. Fucking arsehole. If Tool's last concert were playing in coldest Siberia in the dead of winter I would sell my left tit in order to get there. 4 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dosileflynn Posted March 28, 2012 keep in mind Lateralus was " being released this year " for 5 years. having said that i can't wait for a new tool album personally. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted March 28, 2012 Last tool concert isaw was very lack luster. So much so many fans left before end of concert, many swearing to withdraw support completely. Maynard had several tantrums on stage an repeatedly fucked up the vocals. His heart doesn't seem tow be in it, tool just being a fat paycheck to subsidise his winery IMO. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chnt Posted March 28, 2012 actually marcel emocore developed during the 80's, this scene influenced the second wave which started the fashion trend which peaked during the 00's, then exploded into tiny pieces that merged with other fashion trends like indie and pop punk and what ever pop trends that will sell. i dont know exactly when tool started but i think that this was after the first wave had started. i agree with this lack luster business... perhaps it was due to following rammstein, perhaps it was due to performing basically the same set as their previous bdo, fuck knows, it was very anti-climactic following rammstein, i thoroughly enjoyed the previous appearance. as for this new album, will it follow their recent trend? hopefully not, and i dont think it will, but will it compare to previous work? who knows... 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Alice Posted March 28, 2012 Last tool concert isaw was very lack luster. So much so many fans left before end of concert, many swearing to withdraw support completely. Maynard had several tantrums on stage an repeatedly fucked up the vocals. His heart doesn't seem tow be in it, tool just being a fat paycheck to subsidise his winery IMO. Seriously? The most recent concert of theirs that I saw (10000 days, Sydney) they got a standing ovation for what seemed like 10 minutes (would have been more than 5, and 5 mins is a long time to clap!). No Shit, almost every single person in that you could see in the thousands of seats was standing up to clap. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FancyPants Posted March 28, 2012 At BDO (I went to the Sydney one) I think the problem was definitely sound. The vocals were changed up a bit as they are for most concerts (whether or not this is pulled off successfully or not depends entirely on the band/vocalist/sound) but it was the sound that let them down. Just like I thought for Queens Of The Stone Age at Soundwave. I think the Homebush sound crew really need to pull their heads together to get the sound together for every headliner band up there in an outside arena as large as that. Rammstein I agree did sound better sound-wise than Tool, but I think that just comes down to the engineers'/crews' settings rather than Maynard and Josh Homme just sounding less than spectacular. I'm friends with one of the sound engineers who did the lesser stages at BDO so I can't even ask him wtf they were thinking this year Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tipz Posted March 28, 2012 How many here also listen to puscifer and a perfect circle ( both fronted by M.J.K ) The album V is for vagina from puscifer is brilliant ( IMHO ) and some of APC's work is genius too. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FancyPants Posted March 28, 2012 I didn't totally dig Puscifer, but I haven't listened in ages and only listened twice. So needs moar chances. Loved APC mer de noms and thirteenth step; HATED emotive. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tipz Posted March 28, 2012 for those that have not heard puscifer. ( and fancy pants - id sell one of my testicles i reckon ;) - that would have to get us backstage passes wouldn't it ? ) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted March 28, 2012 I will admit aenima is a hard album to beat. I saw them twice when they where touring it. Phenomenal. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted March 28, 2012 Aaascually it was an apc thirteenth step. Concert I was talking about. Maynard was a complete cock. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
tipz Posted March 28, 2012 why was he a cock nito ? I only know of his music and not his persona ? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted March 29, 2012 (edited) He warned b4 he came out not to smoke or take pics Or video. He got up crowd 3 or four times for smoking and taking his photo. Performed most songs with face to back wall I shadow as he wouldn't look crowd in the eye as he stated if people continued. How very proxy, thought I, on the ten g or what's ever he got for the night. People work much harder for 100 all day long. Maynard = softcock Dont get me started on thom yorke. Or Ben Harper, he actually abused me public ally the c87t Edited March 29, 2012 by incognito Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jonstn Posted March 29, 2012 Kanye and soundgarden got 1mil for each BDO they preformed at this year, or so I read. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
paradox Posted March 29, 2012 sorry incog but you have to explain more about ben harper! that apc gig does sound a bit lame, but i know with tool their live shows are often so much about the whole experience.. the visuals & the music, rather than them being rock star personalities on stage.. i kind of dig the way he's not all like 'look at me, look at me' on stage & often gets into it without him being the main centre of focus... but having hissy fits about photos & smoking seems pretty lame when people pay a lot of money to come see them & when many of those people really care about the band, some almost worship them/him & those are the people who have made him rich & put him in that position. but i have also seen interviews with maynard where he explains things that are important to him, like that in our culture how everything is recorded & it really detracts from the chemistry of the live experience cause it doesn't translate on film so so many people get an inaccurate idea of what they're trying to do & then never come to a show & find out.. maybe that explains it... but he's kind of shooting himself in the foot if he carries on like a dick at a show. 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Psylo Posted March 30, 2012 Tool: proto-emo. You are dead to me. For the TOOL fans, here's something on a similar avant-prog vein: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
incognito Posted March 30, 2012 I would pay to see Marcel's tool. I wonder if it has a moustache? 1 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
