Jump to content
The Corroboree
Chiral

relationships and the good/bad decisions we make...love is blind...?

Recommended Posts

I haven't had the best of luck with relationships in the past and when I was young ie : 15-16 yrs old I used to always say to myself I would never ever marry as I'm too self absorbed and enjoy my own time too much....some 30 years later I find myself having been married twice...once for 10 years and now my second one has been 2 torrid years of misunderstandings and cultural lockups. How did this happen...was I so blinded by love or lust that I simply let these women ride all over me or is it companion mentality. One should never really look back and criticise their own decisions as it's not very beneficial to your current situation but I feel I have made a couple of fairly big choices that I can't imagine ever having made when I was younger...what happened as it all seems like a blur now. I have barely met any partner that has half the interests I have and in particular now we have basically nothing in common...how the hell did this happen...I was on the rebound from a first marriage and my decision making was probably blurred by a lack of sex and copious amounts of alcohol. Why do we need partners as I'm quite sure I'd be happy on my own but ever since I was 15 I've had a partner and have hardly ever been single I think the longest time I was single for was about 12 months when in the UK.

H.

Edited by Hunab Ku

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude, you sound like your having a bad day/week. I was ready to get divorced last week, but thankfully my wife understands that it was just a phase of low self esteem i'm going through. Of course, I could be completely wrong in my diagnosis - it's happened before. :wink:

as to why I have a partner in the first place, i'd have to say:

* I like a little security and consistency in my life.

* I like to do something and then feel appreciated.

* I like my private time, but I don't want to be alone.

* I have no idea.

Hope things pick up for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

jerking off 9 times out 10 orgasms just looses its appeal. Plus they make me feel happpy to know that when i leave work i am not just coming to a house i'm coming to a home. knowing tehre is someone who will be there when i need help or a cuddle. Plus during winter they are nice to cuddle :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

one thing that annoys me no ends is girls always drift off into being consumeristic sheople...they believe anything on Yahoo news tells them and they always refer to things find out with..."I read some article in this or that magazine" or "I heard on the news".....GRRRRR...stop reading/watching that mindless shit... can't you see you are being brainwashed.

The lack of respect and constant fighting in this relationship is driving me insane..particularly when we argue over something and she shuts down talking to me at all for 3 days....it drives me insane as she never wants to communicate any emotional type subjects, so it becomes a nightmare for me to heal or deal with shit...I love getting it all out and talking about it but it seems as though she hasn't been raised to talk openly about relationship problems.

H.

Edited by Hunab Ku

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I thats called being passive aggressive. Ignoring you etc.

Funnily I share a fairly similar story to your's Hunab... left home young, moved in with mates, surfing etc -

Partners, why do we have em? Dunno man, I've had a few now. Three long term ones and heading for marrige - we are engaged. Luckily my partner now shares and interest in healing and plants so is pretty chilled out... although (and at some stage she may read this so hi :worship: ) there are times when I go wtf I should just get a place of my own and do my thing.

It seems to be fairly common among the male species, (enter here on gender stuff thunderideal!) the need to, at times, just go within and not talk so much.

Also as I'm sure many have said to you, there is just no fucking point trying to understand women... you never will bro, just yesum i.e. yes mam no mam.... biting the tounge also works I'm told by a foaf lol

sleep on it, if it doesn't become clear in the morning sleep on it again for three days....

p.s go norma!!!!

mz

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
girls always drift off into being consumeristic sheople...they believe anything on Yahoo news tells them and they always refer to things find out with..."I read some article in this or that magazine" or "I heard on the news".....GRRRRR...stop reading/watching that mindless shit... can't you see you are being brainwashed.

I suck at relationships so cant help much with working out reoccuring arguments but i will say that thinking you are somehow 'more' on the right path in life then another, is not a good foundation for exchange.

Is it equally as bad to start a sentence with "I read on SAB the other day...."?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so sick of the using me as cash machine too and having very short memories for example...they tell me they wanna study such and such...I say okay that's cool...it means I'll have to fork out the 800 bucks for the course and more for the books...once course is completed they decide they no longer have an interest in that subject anymore... uzi.gif WTF...next one...can I buy this book it will help me get this or that job...mmmm okay but it's expensive...at 125 bucks...okay if you want it I'll get it for you...just make sure you use it and don't let the little get hold of it....a week later right in front of her our baby is tearing pages out of said book while she ignores it and plays marjhong on the brand new Mac that I bought her. She never used the book or the course to get any job or for any valid reason actually....grrrrr.

H.

Edited by Hunab Ku

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

hang in there bud, sounds like a trying time.

It seems to be fairly common among the male species, (enter here on gender stuff thunderideal!) the need to, at times, just go within and not talk so much.

lol

yerr okay, women don't really want advice they want an exchange... sometimes true of men too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
[snip]

for example...they tell me they wanna study such and such...I say okay that's cool...it means I'll have to fork out the 800 bucks for the course and more for the books...once course is completed they decide they no longer have an interest in that subject anymore... :uzi: WTF...next one...can I buy this book it will help me get this or that job...mmmm okay but it's expensive...okay if you want it I'll get it for you...

[snip]

end rant.

H.

It is not a good thing for a single man to get caught in the 'provider' role. IME women treat you much nicer (eg. give you free reign to do whatever you want), when they look at you as the guy who gives them great sex.

I have a group of 'friends with benefits'(FWB), and none of them would ask for money for anything. It's OK to spend money on your sexual partners, but make sure it is not a trade-off for sex. My FWB's know I have other partners, so they don't give me any dramas or grief, because they know I have other options, and will just walk out when they get annoying.

It's not really in a males advantage to be monogamous, but the benefits for women are great.

Could be I have a major personality flaw, but my longest exclusive relationship has been six months...my longest FWB is still going great at 12 years.

my 2 cents

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
for example...they tell me they wanna study such and such...I say okay that's cool...it means I'll have to fork out the 800 bucks for the course and more for the books...once course is completed they decide they no longer have an interest in that subject anymore... :uzi: WTF...next one...can I buy this book it will help me get this or that job...mmmm okay but it's expensive...okay if you want it I'll get it for you...make sure you use it then and don't let the little one get hold of it as you know what kids are like...2 weeks later at the feet of said person who wanted the book a 2 year old is tearing pages out of 125 dollar book right in front of said person who wanted said book for career...GRRRRRR....

I feel your pain H, I paid off an 8K debt so a GF could go to uni, I looked after the rent for years while eating rice and lentils just to get through. All the difficult emotional and financial pressure I was under was not really appreciated and my needs were not reciporicated. We broke up 3 months before she finnished studying. We are good friends now and I don't expect anything from her.

What can you do but live and learn, and hopefully not make the same mistake twice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
IME women treat you much nicer (eg. give you free reign to do whatever you want), when they look at you as the guy who gives them great sex.

LOL - I wish it was that easy.

Having gone through somewhat of a role reversal in the last year it's funny (and annoying) to hear the wife complain about having to pay this bill and that bill when I've done it for 15 years plus.

At the end of the day its easy to find fault with people when you're in a shitty mood, but, and this sounds simplistic, you've got to try and look at the positive traits. eg. Negative: The wife might not be an 'intellectual'. Positive: I don't have to answer to some smart-arse bitch. Winning arguments (although noone really wins) can be a piece of cake.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Having gone through somewhat of a role reversal in the last year it's funny (and annoying) to hear the wife complain about having to pay this bill and that bill when I've done it for 15 years plus.

yeah fuck whats that all about...I spent 16 hrs a day working my ring out and providing everything and more for us and her family and now there is a role reversal they bitch and moan everyday...the money they make is their money but the money I make is ours... :wacko:

geeeze talk about a whinger I am...fuck man.

end rant.

H.

Edited by Hunab Ku

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When it comes down to it its probably just the sex. Otherwise really do you think most blokes would live with a woman if they were just getting companionship and food. I suppose some men may have a partner because they cant be stuffed or dont know how to look after their children. The reality is most of the time i get my companionship and humour and sport and little bits and pieces from my friends but really i cant be stuffed rooting them. Its just not cool and who the frig would want to do that anyway (respect to any homosexuals reading this thats totally your own choice).

At the end of the day you want the package and the main biological reason that male and female partnerships are the foundation and rock of society is procreation and the urge for sex.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry, I have a lot to say but don't know how to say it. I'm young, so I guess I haven't really had the experience you guys have had, but it seems most of you have a pretty poor idea of what it's like to have a relationship with a woman. Your with them because you love them, it really should be that simple. Of course you need the love back, otherwise, what' the point? The trick is you need an equal understanding and good communication, if these aren't there, living with each other is going to be a problem. Women are so vastly different from men, they react to things differently, think about sentences differently, everything, and as such you need to talk to them differently when there is an issue in the air, well, let me rephrase that, you both need to understand that you don't see things the same way, communicate that and then meet on a level field. It's hard work, but not really. Excuse me for sounding like a kleeshay (spelling?) but if you really love the woman, and she loves you back, you should really enjoy being with them. The reason I feel we have partners is we all have a need to have a companion, it's in our DNA. It's not all about the sex, it's about the companionship. There's nothing better to me than having someone to cuddle, kiss, love me back and wake up next to. Sure, as guys we like out alone time, when were down we close off to the world for a while, we want praise for things we do, we need to communicate that to the women, because they simply DON'T KNOW unless you tell them, just as we don't understand their many ways and things they like to talk about. I really don't know where else I am going with this, There was probably more I wanted to say, but eh. I've said most of it.

So yeah, my 2 cents.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I suck at relationships so cant help much with working out reoccuring arguments but i will say that thinking you are somehow 'more' on the right path in life then another, is not a good foundation for exchange.

i really agree this.(especially the i suck at relationships bit)

Good luck with everything Hunab, the grass can always seem greener on the other side, especially when one can dabble. especially when one eats bumber loads of "lactarius". Ordinary life can 'appear' very mundane. there lies the hole. Do you REALLY wanna be trippin 24/7? I imagine/know how hard that can be on family life, would be worse than living with an alccy i reckon.

Really consider what you have.

Think hard if you can live without it.

no idea ehere ur relationship is at , hope everything works out.

That is probably way to personal

i say this only because i was in a (maybee i dunno) situation, and lost my family, under similar conditions.

taking large, regular doses of psychadelics can distort your perception of reality, and can make everything else in ur life seem quite 'boring' and ;'mundane'.

'

The way down is a lot further than the high, when you realise the truth in the saying that 'you never knew what you had, until it was gone'.

Good luck, all im sayin is to have a LONG HARD THINK.

edit-

geeeze talk about a whinger I am...fuck man.

end rant.

H.

fuken oath! :P

didnt you say you where english??? :wink:

Edited by incognito

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with the sentiments of both posts above. My wife is everything.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

eexpee how old are you? Because you are 100% on the money!!!

A partner isn't to satisfy your sexual needs, thats a healthy side effect.

A partner is someone to love and care for. And they do the same in return. End of story.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have had 3 major relationships, and haven't spent a lot of my adult life single. I am in a headspace at the moment where I am thinking - 'do I really need a girlfriend'. I notice that I have this instinct where I subconsciously assess just about every women as a potential partner and I was determined to turn it off. I feel it wasn't going to do me any good, on any level, even if my goal was to find a partner. I found the way to turn it off. You set a vision for yourself. A vision you create of your future. The ideal future. In that vision, I do see a family. Only there are a lot of specifics to that family. These specifics instantly rule out a very large percentage of the population, so now I don't assess just 'anyone' as a potential partner. Sounds simple but it was a huge revelation for me.

Something else I notice now, when I look around me - is I have a lot of work to do before I am anywhere near that vision. I can do a lot of that work on my own. So now I have all the time in the world. The closer I get to building that vision, the more I will attract the kinds of people who fit the criteria that matches that vision anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Partners...why do we have them...?

So that we won't be alone. Duh.

Humans (like most monkeys) are meant to function in groups. We are not solitary animals.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have had 3 major relationships, and haven't spent a lot of my adult life single. I am in a headspace at the moment where I am thinking - 'do I really need a girlfriend'. I notice that I have this instinct where I subconsciously assess just about every women as a potential partner and I was determined to turn it off. I feel it wasn't going to do me any good, on any level, even if my goal was to find a partner. I found the way to turn it off. You set a vision for yourself. A vision you create of your future. The ideal future. In that vision, I do see a family. Only there are a lot of specifics to that family. These specifics instantly rule out a very large percentage of the population, so now I don't assess just 'anyone' as a potential partner. Sounds simple but it was a huge revelation for me.

Something else I notice now, when I look around me - is I have a lot of work to do before I am anywhere near that vision. I can do a lot of that work on my own. So now I have all the time in the world. The closer I get to building that vision, the more I will attract the kinds of people who fit the criteria that matches that vision anyway.

Nice post...that's the sort of mindset I wished I had when I was younger...I really hope you stick to your guns on this one and it all works out for you because in my experience...once you have a partner in the loop... your whole world changes, but theirs doesn't seem too....they mould and manipulate you into a product of their pleasing....

Teo that's pretty clever actually about the monkey theory...some of that is probably quite true.

H.

Edited by Hunab Ku

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nice post...that's the sort of mindset I wished I had when I was younger...I really hope you stick to your guns on this one and it all works out for you because in my experience...once you have a partner in the loop... your whole world changes, but theirs doesn't seem too....they mould and manipulate you into a product of their pleasing....

Whoa dude... sounds like your haven't had the best relationships. My partner accepts me for who I am.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Teo you are what 19...come see me when you are in your mid 40's and have had a couple of children and 2 marriages and countless long term relationships including one where my GF was killed in a car crash.

H.

Edited by Hunab Ku

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Cmon Hunab, that's unnecessarily patronising. His age is not relevant, and his comment is. I'm closer to your age and it was my first thought too. Many of the comments you have made through the thread indicate to me that your relationships have not reciprocated love and respect, or many of the other basics of a solid nurturing satisfying relationship. That's not to say that you are or aren't the cause... always two sides, and you're the only one with an honest insight to the answer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's just that the last 12 months have been hell and I'm having difficulty finding that sweet place we used to be at when we first met...and in my opinion age is relevant in this topic as experience has everything to do with long term relationships and marriage and children.

H.

Edited by Hunab Ku

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Depleting serotonin sure won't help...

I don't agree that you 'only need small amounts of respect'. You might feel right now that a little would be all you need, but it's important to all of us that the love and respect we offer is reciprocated in full. In simple terms: too much and we feel smothered, too little and we feel unloved. If you are getting too little there is a reason, perhaps a very complex reason(s) that has taken time to develop? You mention that you aren't lazy or selfish, and I don't disagree with you, but we all have different views of what that actually means. You might think you're doing all you can, and you probably are, because you haven't been told that tiny little (seemingly insignificant) thing you should be doing... because she 'will not communicate with me on any level about relationship issues'. Of course it's likely more complex than that on the surface. We all seem to take a very introverted view of situations like this and allow ourselves to become the focus, it's logical, but it's to our detriment. IMO you need to take time to get your mind straight and understand what's going on, then you can address some of those thoughts yourself, and maybe with your partner given time. If 'the last 12 months have been hell' for you, they have for those around you too, possibly more so.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×