Jonny Deformed Posted March 15, 2007 (edited) Two sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says: "Fuck its hot in here". The other one turns and says: "AH FUCK A TALKING SAUSAGE!!" Edited March 15, 2007 by JD. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jonny Deformed Posted March 15, 2007 Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs? A cripple in a house fire. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Μορφέας Posted March 16, 2007 http://www.dr-joe.net/shemale/Shemale.htm# http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=3e0_1173614039 Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Coschi Posted March 16, 2007 One stands out... please no offence intented to any woman whatsoever, joke is funny that's it! "what's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?" ... .. ... "einstein's cock" SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ace Posted March 16, 2007 Damn, Einstein lived such a cool life! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
inpsyght Posted March 16, 2007 (edited) . Edited February 7, 2012 by inpsyght Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
whit3rabbit Posted March 17, 2007 (edited) oh fuck tepa that is hilarious! HILARIOUS! A blonde joke I heard today A blonde was driving along a country road when she sees another blonde in the middle of a field of wheat rowing a boat. She pulls over and looks at the blonde in the boat for a while before calling out 'Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of all that wheat?' The blonde in the boat yells back 'Because its an ocean of wheat!' The blonde on the side of the road then says 'Its blonde's like you that make a bad name for the rest of us' To this the blonde in the boat just shrugs, so the first blonde yells at her 'If I could swim, I'd come over there and kick your ass!' Dead baby jokes: Whats worse than twelve dead babies stapled to a tree? One dead baby stapled to twelve trees. Whats worse than a pile of dead babies? One alive at the bottom having to eat its way out. Whats small and blue and sits at the bottom of a pool? A dead baby Whats small and green and sits at the bottom of a pool? Same baby a week later. Whats black, white and red, and can't turn around in an elevator? A nun with a javelin through her head. Edited March 17, 2007 by whit3rabbit Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
foolsbreath Posted March 20, 2007 First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body Covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. "For an example….”, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The student's freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, 'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention". Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
calyx Posted March 20, 2007 IQ TEST In what way is a man tightrope walking between two skyscrapers the same as man getting a headjob off a toothless 90year old granny? They are both thinking "dont look down, just dooooont look down" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ENtiTY Posted March 21, 2007 Ahhhhh whit3rabit... don't have kids! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dirty Old Man Posted March 22, 2007 If I told you I liked mushrooms, would you think I was a fun guy? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ENtiTY Posted March 23, 2007 Ok here's one fitting for a plant forum A husband and his wife newly married go to Byron bay for there honeymoon, that night they consumate their marrige. Next mourning the husband tells his wife "I'm just going to get the local paper, honeysuckle" The wife thinks a minute... honeysuckle? Why did he call me honeysuckle? Any way the husband comes back and walks through the front door... BANG! His wife smacks him on the head with a frying pan! The husband exclaims "Oooooww... WTF you do that for ya bitch!! The wife says "You called me honeysuckle you bastard!!" Husband complains "But babe the honeysuckle flower is the sweetist smelling flower in the world!" Wife replies "Don't give me that crap" she yells. She picks up his gardening book, looks up honeysuckle and reads "Honeysuckle: no good in beds but roots well against walls and fences" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dodie Posted April 15, 2007 God sits down Adam & Eve "Now I've almost completed you too, but I have two parts left over" "The first I call a penis, It enables you to urinate standing up, on bushes, walls, whichever you please" Adam jumps up "I want that! give it to me!" God gives Adam the penis and shortly after Adam starts pissing on everything. God then says "So Eve you get what I call the brain" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ThunderIdeal Posted April 15, 2007 "listen stan, there's a reason god made our penises like little hoses" my joke is in poorer taste than any of those baby jokes. how do you know when somebody is a pirate? because they just arrrrr Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
penguin Posted April 15, 2007 lol thunderideal you shoulda been shot at birth but i do have a worse one 2 peanuts were walking down a dark alley... and 1 got asalted... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
immanuel Posted April 15, 2007 (edited) HAHAHAHAHAHA. That peanut joke brings back some memories. heres one i heard a while ago. al gore is out on his daily morning run when he comes across a little kid with a box. he runs over to the kid and asks whats in the box, the kid replies "kittens which were only just born", and al gore asks what sort, the kid says "democrats" and al gore says "ohhh, how cute". a few days later al gore is out on his jog again, but this time with bill clinton, he comes across the kid again, and expecting the kid to have the same reply tells bill clinton to watch, they both run over to the kid and al says "look in the box bill, look at all those cute kittens, key kid tell bill what kind of kittens that are", the boy replies "theyre republicans". confused al asks why they changed from democrats to republicans and the kid says "their eyes are open now." hee hee hee. meh best i got. Edited April 15, 2007 by mardybum Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
foolsbreath Posted April 26, 2007 This made me chuckle untitled.bmp untitled.bmp untitled.bmp Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Μορφέας Posted May 23, 2007 (edited) double post Edited May 23, 2007 by Tepa Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Μορφέας Posted May 23, 2007 The Card Game Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Monk Posted May 23, 2007 Why don't elephants wear tampons? Would you if you had to put them in with your nose? Thank you, I'll be here all week. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
devance Posted May 24, 2007 Two tournament poker player who just lost come out of the game and someone says, I been following the game but why did you still with having a red flush and a black flush loss The red flush guy says 'I was beaten by a full house, the black flush guy says I just throw in my hand, got buffed. ---------------------- Think the joke might need some rounding on the edges, but original. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ThunderIdeal Posted May 25, 2007 what's brown and lumpy and hangs in a tree? a monkey's miscarriage. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fenris Posted May 28, 2007 For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain. The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers accordingly. Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference. MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES Name _____________________________ Nickname__________________________ Gang Name________________________ 1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold? 2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit? 3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need? 4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out? Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money? 5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ? 6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked? MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS Name___________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________ (If longer please continue on a separate sheet) School _______________________________________________ Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________ 1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now? 2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what? 3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds? 4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost? 5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Μορφέας Posted June 1, 2007 (edited) lol nice ace heres one for the ladies 'blow it in her face and she will follow you anywhere' Edited June 1, 2007 by Tepa Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
