Ace Posted March 15, 2007 (edited) I dont know if anyone has made a Jokes Thread before (I had a search, but no results), so here you go, please add any funnies here and enjoy! If there is already something in place, Mods feel free to add this to an old post. Edited August 22, 2007 by Ace Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ace Posted March 15, 2007 Ephraimitis Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. Bob asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants. His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
husk Posted March 15, 2007 haahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!! love it! shroomy, you better step up to the plate now! x Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
husk Posted March 15, 2007 (edited) ok fine i'll go. three friends are sitting on a rock on the edge of a large pond tripping off their little red faces. one of them says, inbetween uncontrollable fits of utter hilarity and pain, " if we went and got our swimmers....... put them on and went for a swim......we'd be swimming!......" the three friends all laugh so hard they nearly fall in the water! the end x Edited March 15, 2007 by husk Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
husk Posted March 15, 2007 i guess you had to be there! man i suck. x Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ace Posted March 15, 2007 Husk, have you been tripping lately?? Sounds like a true story, not a joke Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
husk Posted March 15, 2007 sorry man, i'll happily edit those. x peace Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
husk Posted March 15, 2007 nah screw it. here's one! i think i made it up too, can u tell? an overworked tailor who is late for his first date in 7 years screeches to a halt out side her house. he gets out, smooths his clothes and grabs the bouquet from the passenger seat and hurries up the pathway to her door. he rings the bell and wipes the sweat from his brow. the door opens. the tailor's pleasant expression fades to a mournful frown as he looks down. "sorry, i forgot your address". pow! x Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
husk Posted March 15, 2007 hmm mmm *coughs* ^ ^ bump Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ace Posted March 15, 2007 Thats some top quality crappy jokes right there champ! Keep em coming - the corny, the pickle-tickling, the boat-floating, the outragous, the truly spectacular - whatever you got Its time to LARF! To LAFF! To Wet-Ones-Pants! To Split-Ones-Sides! To ... Yadda Yadda! To ... omfg, you get the bloody point! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Amulte Posted March 15, 2007 ROFLMAO, nice husk i used to want to be a comedian but people kept on laughin at me... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dodie Posted March 15, 2007 I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. The moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ace Posted March 15, 2007 BAHAHAHAHA!!! Wasnt sure where that one was going - but the punch line is a killer! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
foolsbreath Posted March 15, 2007 Women's New Bum Size Survey Results of a new survey about women and how they feel about their bums. The results are very interesting: * 85% of women think their bum is too fat. * 10% of women think their bum is too skinny. * The other 5% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
goldfinger Posted March 15, 2007 Why do women wear make-up and perfume???? Wait for it Cause there ugly and they stink.... hahahhahahhaha Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
goldfinger Posted March 15, 2007 Got another one Why do women get periods??? Because they deserve them hehehhe Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Μορφέας Posted March 15, 2007 bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight? BritneySpears14: Aight. bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah. BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja. bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat. BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up. bloodninja: Me too baby. BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest. bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman. BritneySpears14: Hey... bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 Cock of the Infinite. BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it. bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness. BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous. bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands. bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1, 000, 000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid. BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****. bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal. bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him. bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now. bloodninja: Baby? ---------------------------------------------------------- bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you. j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u. bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure. j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go. j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck. bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory. j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on. j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt. bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts. j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game. bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass. j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious. bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass. bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet. j_gurli3: thats it. bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn. bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now. ---------------------------------------------------------- BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready? eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready. BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee. eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies. BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you. BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique. eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat. BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again. eminemBNJA: Oh **** BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up. eminemBNJA: Oh **** eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something Bloodninja: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch. Sarah19fca: mmmm, okay. Bloodninja: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll. Sarah19fca: Yeah I like it rough. Bloodninja: I smack you thick booty. Sarah19fca: Oh yeah, that feels good. Bloodninja: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh. Bloodninja: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm. Sarah19fca: you like that? Bloodninja: I peel some bananas. Sarah19fca: Oh, what are you gonna do with those? Bloodninja: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark. Sarah19fca: Peanuts? Bloodninja: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh. Sarah19fca: What are you talking about? Bloodninja: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats. Sarah19fca: This is stupid. Bloodninja: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer. Bloodninja: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold? Bloodninja: Yeeaahhhh. Sarah19fca: /ignore Bloodninja: Its cool stone cold she was a bitch anyway. Bloodninja: We get on harleys and ride into the sunset. ---------------------------------------------------------- Bloodninja: Wanna cyber? DirtyKate: OK, but don't tell anybody DirtyKate: Who are you? Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm. DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car.. Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order DirtyKate: Haha! OK DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce. Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want? DirtyKate: I want everything, baby! Bloodninja: Is this a delivery? DirtyKate: Umm...Yes DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower... Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house. **pause** DirtyKate: I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up! Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza. Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though **pause** DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now. Bloodninja: How did you know? Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table. Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven DirtyKate: Oooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom? DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself. Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door.... DirtyKate: What the ****? DirtyKate: You perverted piece of **** DirtyKate: **** ---------------------------------------------------------- Bloodninja: Wanna cyber? MommyMelissa: Sure, you into vegetables? Bloodninja: What like gardening an ****? MommyMelissa: Yeah, something like that. Bloodninja: Nuthin turns me on more, check this out Bloodninja: You bend over to harvest your radishes. (pause) MommyMelissa: is that it? Bloodninja: You water your tomato patch. Bloodninja: Are you ready for my fresh produce? MommyMelissa: I was thinking of like, sexual acts INVOLVING vegetables... Can you make it a little more sexy for me? (pause) Bloodninja: I touch you on your lettuce, you massage my spinach... Sexily. Bloodninja: I ride your buttocks, like they were amber waves of grains. MommyMelissa: Grain doesn't really turn me on... I was thinking more along the lines of carrots and zucchinis. Bloodninja: my zucchinis carresses your carrots. Bloodninja: Damn baby your right, this **** is HOT. MommyMelissa: ... Bloodninja: My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love. MommyMelissa: What the **** is this madlibs? I'm outta here. Bloodninja: Yah, well I already unleashed my cauliflower, all over your olives, and up in your eyes. Now you can't see. Bitch. MommyMelissa: whatever sweet17: Hi bloodninja: hello bloodninja: who is this? sweet17: just a someone? bloodninja: A someone I know? sweet17: nope bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me? sweet17: well sorrrrrry sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you bloodninja: why? sweet17: nevermind your an jerk bloodninja: Hey wait a minute sweet17: yes? bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid sweet17: paranoid? bloodninja: yes sweet17: of what? sweet17: me? bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding. sweet17: LOL bloodninja: Don't fucking laugh at me! bloodninja: This shit is serious! sweet17: What are you hiding from? bloodninja: The cops. sweet17: gimme a fucking break bloodninja: I'm serious. sweet17: I don't get it bloodninja: The cops are after me. sweet17: For what? bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states sweet17: For??? bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing. bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey. bloodninja: Hello? sweet17: You are fucking sick. bloodninja: Send me your picture. sweet17: why? bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them. sweet17: One of what? bloodninja: The cops. sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you bloodninja: Then send me your picture. sweet17: hold on bloodninja: Hurry up. bloodninja: Are you there? bloodninja: fuck you, cop! sweet17: Hey sorry sweet17: I had to do something for my mom. bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me. bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities. bloodninja: Weren't you!? sweet17: thats not it bloodninja: Then what? sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty bloodninja: Most cops aren't sweet17: IM NOT A FUCKING COP YOU DICKSHIT! bloodninja: Then send me the picture. sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail? bloodninja: Just send it through here. sweet17: alright *PIC* sweet17: Did you get it? bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking. sweet17: That was me back in may sweet17: I've lost weight since then. bloodninja: I hope so sweet17: what?!? sweet17: that hurt my feelings. bloodninja: Did it? sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now. bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture? sweet17: yes bloodninja: Alright let me find it. sweet17: kks bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC* sweet17: this isn't you. bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't! sweet17: You don't look like that. bloodninja: How the hell do you know? sweet17: cause your profile has another picture. bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake. bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops. sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy.... bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries. sweet17: Go fuck yourself bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week. sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture. sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me. sweet17: you hurt me. bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me? sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me! bloodninja: Why would I do that? sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap.. sweet17: FUCK YOU!!! bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs. sweet17: You're a fucking wanker! sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry. sweet17: No you aren't bloodninja: You're right. I'm not. bloodninja: HAARRRRR! sweet17: I'm done with you bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry. sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore bloodninja: Wait a sec bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot. bloodninja: Wanna start over? sweet17: No bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty sweet17: You'll what? bloodninja: You heard me. bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty. sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty? sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men. bloodninja: I get excited in different ways. sweet17: Like what? bloodninja: Do you really wanna know? sweet17: I don't know bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no. sweet17: I'm afraid to bloodninja: Why? sweet17: cause bloodninja: cause why? sweet17: well lets see sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you? bloodninja: Nope sweet17: well its strange to me bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to sweet17: I didn't say that bloodninja: So is that a yes? sweet17: I guess so. bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though. bloodninja: Are you willing? sweet17: What do you need me to do? bloodninja: I need you talk like a pirate. sweet17: ??? bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!" bloodninja: ok? bloodninja: Hello? sweet17: You can't be serious bloodninja: Oh yes I am! bloodninja: It's my fantasy. sweet17: this is retarded bloodninja: Do you want it or not? sweet17: Yes I want it. bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me? sweet17: sure bloodninja: Ok. Here we go. bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and being to massage your thighs. bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tounge brushing up against them bloodninja: I softly begin to tounge your wet kitty. bloodninja: I run my tounge up and down your smooth cunt. sweet17: mmmm yeah bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp. sweet17: Har bloodninja: You gotta do better than that! bloodninja: Your picture was really bad. sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke. bloodninja: I softly suck on your clit bringing it in and out of my mouth. bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose. bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity. sweet17: mmmmmm you are good bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I fuck harder bloodninja: going limp sweet17: HARRRRRRR bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands. bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth. bloodninja: going limp sweet17: this is stupid bloodninja: ...still limp bloodninja: Do it! sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your asshole. bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass. bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass. sweet17: WTF?!?!? bloodninja: They stink really bad. sweet17: OMG STOP!!! bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg. bloodninja: I ram it up your ass. sweet17: YOURE A FUCKING PYSCHO!! bloodninja: Then I pour hot carmel over your head. bloodninja: And turn you into a fucking candy apple... bloodninja: I kick you in the face! sweet17: FUCK YOU DICKHEAD!! bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin... bloodninja: Your parrot flys away. bloodninja: ...going limp again. bloodninja: Hello? bloodninja: Say it! bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you. Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? I can't find it. Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover. Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on. Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo! Sweetheart: "logged off" VictimX_27: Hi there! cheesedog: HEYA! VictimX_27: What u up 2? cheesedog: Nice English. cheesedog: Did you learn that on the short bus? VictimX_27: Get fucked cheesedog: I'm just joking relax VictimX_27: cheesedog: What's your name? VictimX_27: Whats yours? cheesedog: I asked you first. VictimX_27: I asked you second cheesedog: Did I time just warp to middle school? VictimX_27: huh cheesedog: Never mind. My name is Johnny cheesedog: Johnny Cheesedog VictimX_27: Thats not your real name cheesedog: Why isn't that my real name? VictimX_27: No one has the name Cheesedog as a last name cheesedog: Well I do. Whats wrong with it? VictimX_27: Nothin i suppose VictimX_27: Is that your real pic in that av? cheesedog: Yes it is VictimX_27: Very handsome cheesedog: Thanks VictimX_27: You kinda look like eminem cheesedog: Fuck you. VictimX_27: HEY! I meant that in a good way VictimX_27: I think eminem is hot! cheesedog: Oh. You think I'm hot? VictimX_27: Yeah cheesedog: What do you look like? cheesedog: Do you have a pic? VictimX_27: I don't show my picture to anyone cheesedog: Why not? VictimX_27: Cause I'm ugly cheesedog: I won't make fun of you VictimX_27: Its not that. I just don't like my looks cheesedog: So you have no self-esteem, huh? cheesedog: Is that what you're saying? VictimX_27: I just don't think I'm pretty cheesedog: Let me be the judge of that. VictimX_27: Nahhh cheesedog: Then describe yourself. VictimX_27: Why do u wanna know what I look like? cheesedog: Because I think you're nice cheesedog: I want to picture you in my head while I'm talking to you. VictimX_27: LMAO!! You don't want 2 picture me. Trust me cheesedog: Why not? VictimX_27: I told you. I'm ugly. cheesedog: Well... I think you're beautiful on the inside. VictimX_27: You don't even know me cheesedog: I'm a pretty good judge of character VictimX_27: Then why do u need 2 see me? cheesedog: I just wanted to know thats all cheesedog: If you aren't comfortable with it... thats fine. VictimX_27: You don't understand cheesedog: Is it that bad? VictimX_27: YESSSSS cheesedog: Ok then. I'm gonna picture you as Weezy from the Jeffersons. cheesedog: She is the bomb! cheesedog: She makes me hot just thinking about her! VictimX_27: Wheezy? cheesedog: Yep. Weezy. VictimX_27: Who is that? cheesedog: George's wife. VictimX_27: Who is george cheesedog: George Jefferson. From the Jeffersons. cheesedog: Are you fucking deaf? VictimX_27: Who are the Jeffersons? cheesedog: Oh lord. Here we go VictimX_27: wut? cheesedog: You don't know who the Jeffersons are? VictimX_27: Should I? cheesedog: Yes. VictimX_27: Well I don't. cheesedog: FISH DONT FRY IN THE KITCHEN! BEANS DONT BURN ON THE GREEEELL... VictimX_27: huhhh? cheesedog: TOOK A WHOOOOLE LOTTA LU UH VINNNN. JUST TO GET UP THAT HEEEELL VictimX_27: Wut the hell are you saying? cheesedog: Hold on a second cheesedog: Here you go. *PIC* VictimX_27: Thats her? cheesedog: Yep VictimX_27: I don't look anything like that cheesedog: SHUT UP! You're ruining my fantasy! VictimX_27: LOL. You're funny. cheesedog: What's funny? VictimX_27: u r cheesedog: I'm glad I entertain you VictimX_27: me 2 cheesedog: So if you don't look like Weezy, what do you look like? VictimX_27: u don't give up do u? cheesedog: Never VictimX_27: I'm the exact opposite of her cheesedog: ??? VictimX_27: I'm very white cheesedog: Thats cool, my white anti-soul sista' VictimX_27: LOL cheesedog: I can dig white chicks too, I guess. VictimX_27: I'm whiter than most cheesedog: really? VictimX_27: I'm an albino cheesedog: a what? VictimX_27: u don't know what that is? cheesedog: I've heard the word before VictimX_27: I have no pigment in my skin, eyes or hair VictimX_27: So I'm all white cheesedog: This is bullshit VictimX_27: I'm serious! VictimX_27: You've never seen an albino before? cheesedog: No. Where do they live? Albinia? VictimX_27: No, we live all over. cheesedog: Then how come I've never seen any VictimX_27: Lucky I suppose cheesedog: Send me your picture. I wanna know what an albino looks like. VictimX_27: I'll send you a picture of one but not me cheesedog: Ok VictimX_27: Here u go *PIC* cheesedog: Whoa. Thats freaky VictimX_27: See why I don't send my picture out? cheesedog: there's nothing wrong with it. cheesedog: It doesn't make you ugly cheesedog: This chick is kind of hot actually. VictimX_27: Thank u cheesedog: No problem cheesedog: Her, not you. I don't know what you look like. VictimX_27: Are you gonna be on in 3 hours? cheesedog: Yes VictimX_27: I have to go to the mall with my sister VictimX_27: Will you be here when I get back? cheesedog: S ure. Then I'll sex you up. VictimX_27: Gee thanks. LOL cheesedog: I'm serious VictimX_27: We'll see. cheesedog: Yes we will. VictimX_27: Bye for now! cheesedog: Make sure you wear some sunscreen. VictimX_27: About 3 hours later... VictimX_27: HEY! cheesedog: Hello there VictimX_27: I'm back cheesedog: Have fun at the mall? VictimX_27: Yeah. I got some new shoes cheesedog: Interesting VictimX_27: Not really. Just shoes cheesedog: You ready to be sexed up now? VictimX_27: LOL cheesedog: Is that a yes? VictimX_27: Could be VictimX_27: cheesedog: HOT DAMN! cheesedog: I gently suck your nipples cheesedog: I feel them get hard then I jam my hand down your.. VictimX_27: WOAH! Slow down cowboy cheesedog: Why? VictimX_27: I'm not just gonna cyber with you if thats all you want cheesedog: What do you mean? VictimX_27: You're not going to ignore me later are you? cheesedog: Of course not. cheesedog: I like you. VictimX_27: I don't even know how old you are. cheesedog: I'm 27. Now.... cheesedog: I gently massage your breasts with my rough hands cheesedog: I roll your nipples between my fingers VictimX_27: WAIT! cheesedog: They get hard again... what? VictimX_27: Don't you wanna know anything about me first? VictimX_27: Like what I like? cheesedog: Oh yeah. Sure. Hurry up. VictimX_27: That didn't sound convincing. cheesedog: YES I WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW!!! VictimX_27: Now u r being a smartass VictimX_27: Just give me a minute cheesedog: ok VictimX_27: I'm back cheesedog: np VictimX_27: thank you cheesedog: So what do you like? VictimX_27: Ummmm being licked cheesedog: Where? VictimX_27: Everywhere cheesedog: Any place in particular? VictimX_27: uhhh yeah cheesedog: tell me VictimX_27: on my clit cheesedog: OK! cheesedog: NOW YOU'RE TALKIN! VictimX_27: I also like being done from behind cheesedog: Ooooooohhhh. cheesedog: Ok. Check this out. cheesedog: We're in an abandoned building. cheesedog: No is around. Its all quiet. VictimX_27: Uh huh cheesedog: I gently unbutton your pants and slide my hand across your clit cheesedog: You get all warm and juicy. cheesedog: I slip your panties down and continue to massage your pussy VictimX_27: oooohh mmmm cheesedog: I place my mouth on your pussy as I eat you from behind cheesedog: I wiggle my tounge around across your moist hole VictimX_27: yessss cheesedog: I cover your ears with my hands as I eat you. cheesedog: Egon and Ray sneak in from the back. cheesedog: *Powering up Proton packs* VictimX_27: ??? cheesedog: Then... Egon BLASTS your pasty white ass!! cheesedog: POW!! BZZZZZTTTTTPHTTTTTT!!! cheesedog: Winston and Peter set up the containment trap.... VictimX_27: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!!! cheesedog: You wiggle around in the proton streams buck naked cheesedog: The streams almost cross! Look out!! cheesedog: Peter smacks you across the chin with his gun cheesedog: They open the trap and it sucks your pale ass in! VictimX_27: This isn't funny johnny! cheesedog: SHUT UP! YOUR CAUGHT! cheesedog: **puts you in the containment area** cheesedog: Slimer is in there too.. VictimX_27: YOU ARE A FUCKING ASSHOLE! cheesedog: I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP! cheesedog: Now...Slimer sticks his green, slimey cock in your pigmentless ass. cheesedog: **HE SLIMES YOU!** VictimX_27: Never talk to me again! cheesedog: He cums all over your hair... but no one notices cause its the same color VictimX_27: FUCK YOUUUU cheesedog: He eats a powdered donut! VictimX_27: SHUT UP AND FUCK YOUUUU!!!!! cheesedog: o wait! It was your hand, you scary, white whore! VictimX_27: LEAVE ME ALONE!!! cheesedog: Chill out, Casper. You're trapped, I said. cheesedog: Slimer goes to lick your clit. cheesedog: But there is already slime on your it!! cheesedog: Slimer thinks you are a cheater and gets jealous!! cheesedog: HE RIPS YOUR WHITE TITS OFF! VictimX_27: FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! cheesedog: **Plays volleyball with them** VictimX_27: What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? .. A licker cabinet. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? .. A Klondyke. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? .... Militia Etheridge. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? .... Fur Traders. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? ... A Lickalotapuss. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ... Well Hung. Did you hear that Ellen De Generes drowned? ... She was found face down in Ricki Lake. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? .... Even the pool table doesn't have balls. What do you call lesbian twins? ... Lick-a-likes. What's the definition of confusion? .. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 government workers? 100 people that don't do dick. your computer screen should be cleaned each day! You probably don't realize it, but your computer screen should be cleaned each day. The cleaning should be on the inside of the glass as well as the outside. This is difficult to do so I am sending a cleaning device which should do the trick. Move the mouse around the screen to clean. Click the link to try this. http://www.25-88.com/clean_your_monitor/brush.swf Camel Toe Song http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1561138001869654530 LOL And for all the kiwis out there a great Dating site you will love http://www.adultsheepfinder.com/index.html Something to ponder.... http://www.scottmcleod.org/didyouknow.wmv takes a while to load but worth it, mind opener Q. How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2. One to screw in the lightbulb, and the other one to hold the penis.... Some Thoughts 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set 2. A day without sunshine is like......night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 6. Depression is like anger without enthusiasm. 7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 8. Support bacteria..........they're the only culture some people have. 9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory 10 Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 12. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, then raise my hand. 13. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 18. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder 20. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 21. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 22. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow. THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE 1) Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, because I was p*ssed. 2) I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. 3) Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. 4) Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face. 5) Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not. 6) I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face. 7) I love your smile, your face, and your eyes - Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 8) My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife Marrying you screwed up my life. 9) I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming. 10) My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way? 11) My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell". 12) What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. Q) What's the difference between Jew's and pizza's? A) pizza's don't scream when you put them in the oven! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
husk Posted March 15, 2007 (edited) hahahahahahhaahahahah!!!!!!!!! oh man...tepa are YOU bloodninja??? i hope so. x Edited March 15, 2007 by husk Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
botanika Posted March 15, 2007 George W Bush wakes up and his advisers read him the days news. 'more troops have been sent to iraq, the stock market is down and 2 brazillian people died in a flood'. George replies 'two brazillian people? Oh this is terrible! We must call a press conference!'. His advisers are stunned he would care so greatly but plan the public address. Bush speaks with deep regret about the huge loss to the nation while his advisers are still suprised at his compassion. Afterwards they ask him again why he called a press release and he responds 'its the least i can do for those poor people - but tell me, how many million is 2 brazillian?' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
goldfinger Posted March 15, 2007 good work tepa bloodninja is the shit hahhahahah Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ENtiTY Posted March 15, 2007 My screens verrrry clean on the inside Outside didn't get done very well... my GF slapped me before I could finish Hehe Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
onz Posted March 15, 2007 lol good fun. Tepa, sum of the funniest times I had were in the yahoo 8-ball Pool chatroom. I never bothered with the sexual stuff but. What did the right leg say to the left leg? "Don't talk to the one in the middle, he's a dick" Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits. There is no such thing as disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DocAzz Posted March 15, 2007 The fact that John Howard is a prime minister... And his only opposition for years was a fat man named Kim. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Μορφέας Posted March 15, 2007 my GF slapped me before I could finish LOL Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ace Posted March 15, 2007 Tepa - you are the funniest farker I've ever met! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites