Tøn

This kind of thing blows my mind. I was prescribed quetiapine recently (which I refuse to take until I am confident that my condition wasn't drug-induced, the psych was saying 'we'll start you on this, then change to something with less side effects in a month and look into mood stabilisers' etc etc, which caused me to freak right the fuck out, in my eyes he was saying 'don't worry kid, we'll have you on a pension in no time!') Anyway. The upshot was, up until recently I was a forklift driver right? Walking away from that mindfuck of an occupation already has me feeling better... But yeah, let alone trying to drive to and from work (45 to an hour each way in ridiculously heavy traffic,) I was then supposed to go and drive this 3-ton machine, and if I fucked up (which is VERY VERY EASY when you're working under intense pressure all day every day,) it would automatically not just be my fault, but I'd be legally liable? I seriously felt like I was in this fucking double bind situation, like, if I weren't such an obstinate hippie, I would have started taking those pills and automatically become a rolling liability. Especially once the psych ramped the cocktail up for real, introducing lithium/sodium valproate or whatever evil shit I was supposed to take... Makes me wonder how many people there are driving around on combos of meds that should automatically disqualify them from operating anything more technically complex than a pair of safety scissors. I don't mean to cause offense to anyone who has no choice but to take psychiatric medication. Who knows, maybe it'll have to be me one day. Fucking hope not. (Classic Tøn post-- sorta on topic, mostly not. I'm getting better I swear )

Ah-hah! I found it! This!! This is what it's like to make noise:

Dude, this is fucking awesome It's hard being into the whole noise thing eh, it's like, 'wanna listen to something I'm working on?' and the answer is invariably 'oh god make it stop' There's a lot of stereo field fuckery which is often absent in the experimental stuff I hear, it's like... Folding inwards on my brain or something, like the sound's coming in at an angle. Masterful.

One of the ideas the leading hand was kicking around with me when I was working on a farm was supplying herbalists-- apparently this can be quite lucrative, with relatively minimal input.

....Aaaaand I have spent the last few weeks recovering from a drug-induced psychosis, and/or manic episode. Reading back on my last few posts here made me go *nod* hmmmm, yeah. I wasn't headed in a good direction. To be honest I'm gunning for psychosis, 'cus at leas then the treatment is more or less 'don't take drugs idjit' So I'm being a good boy, wholefood diet, hydration, exercise, canned the deity visualisation-style meditation, got a trial shift as a cook on Saturday. Finances are up the crap but *eh* it's just money. I've certainly been in worse financial situations... Correlating with other episodes which I can clearly see were much less spiritual and more delusional than I was able to accept ;) The alternative is the box of Seroquel I have sitting in a drawer, waiting for me should I make any more smart decisions like 'continuing to smoke cannabis (siiiigh and the psilo thing) when Ganesh and Lakshmi both told me to stop.

Interesting. I asked psilo last night if I should return to vegetarianism and the answer was YES before I could finish asking. I continued... 'Vegan?' and there was a pause... 'In time' There was a big non-verbal space in the pause which was something along the lines of 'you have a lot of work to do before you can sustain a plant-based diet, don't worry about it for now' So I will listen. Mainly because it was clear that I am welcome in that space, but I am not to return before addressing my physical and mental health in a lot of ways. It was like, 'Address this and this, stop doing x and y. We (After years of trying to rationalise it, I give up. Psilo speaks as 'we' to me *shrug*) want you to stop. We can't help you, you have to do that yourself, but when you do, you will be mentally and physically prepared for complete immersion.' (non-relevant) I guess I'm just trying to find ways to info-dump some of the things that occured to me, but I think the most profound experience was finding my childhood self within me, red in the face from holding his breath and clenching his fists. I let him scream and claw at me until he was done, cried throughout it, cried tears of joy afterwards, held him in my arms and told him that he/I is loved and a good person and etc etc. I could feel his/my presence in the room, actually feel the space that he occupied. Thinking about it is bringing me close to tears again. Anyway. To answer your question, yes. Absolutely. But I had to learn to listen. Yisss, I sound completely deranged,.. But have never felt more sane

Hahahah, has your life just turned into a constant assessment of potential kancho targets? I've been having a lot of fun with my mental health! Yay for complex PTSD! Thankfully I'm starting to find more and more opportunities to move towards what I feel will help me thrive rather than exist... I just got home from doing sound for the local ukulele festival, which was freaking BRILLIANT fun, largely positive reception except for a couple of artists with shitty pickups and mic technique roasting me from afar for not turning them up to the point of feedback. Ahh well. I'm working on the theory that a lot of mental health problems stem from, or are exacerbated by, a lack of community involvement. This is partially through what I've learned about cultures with low mental illness rates- everybody has a place and belongs, people look after each other, the youth belong to a vast family which is their tribe, so if their parents are shit cunts the blow is absorbed by the love they receive from their peers. I'm also informed by my time living close to the city and how downright afraid everybody is of everybody else. Also had a professional development session for an arts festival I'll be performing at later in the year, another Big Thing for me. It's the first time I've acknowledged myself as an artist and exhibited as such. I asked my supervisor if I can drop down to 4 days a week. Here's hoping. I'm adamant that being less involved in the cooked logic of a huge multi-national corporation will do really bloody good things for me. Also, any reduction in time spent in a warehouse in winter is a GOOD THING, last winter was just painful.

^ That's a momentous achievement! Is this through the practice of meditation and/or contemplation of dhamma?

And I mean done!

Phwoooooar, Einsterzende Neubaten! Probably won't make it to Tassie for that but still!!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boong-Ga_Boong-Ga

I'm also curious as to why brug/datura/etc is so popular, surely it can't be a widely-used entheogen?? Is it to do with the wonder of cultivating something so devastatingly powerful? Reminds me of the time I WWOOFED at a conference centre which turned out to be owned by some serious Christians. They had a guest chalet out the back which had Brugmansia growing in an arch over the front door. One of the flowers was hanging at head height right in front of the door. I didn't have the balls to ask why they deliberately grew a plant associated with witchcraft/Satanism/Hinduism, I wish I did now

Keeeen

Has anyone had any inclination towards this kind of practice as a result of their work with entheogens or their life path in general? Following 12+ years of abject alcoholism and polysubstance abuse, I was introduced to an ashram by a friend. Whilst I am no longer involved with the place, I must say that it was instrumental in allowing me to become and stay sober, as without the practice of meditation and subsequent fascination with Hindu philosophy I would never have been able to catch enough of a mental break to get the hell away from that state of being. The first ashram retreat I attended was a week-long exposition of the yoga-sutras of Patanjali. No other retreat or event I attended ever went as deep into any kind of actual philosophy as this one. Long story short, the instruction offered up is that one should practise meditation intensively and follow a series of ethical and behavioural observances in order to keep the mind pure and focused on the acquisition of a lasting state of non-dual thought and experience. Over the years I have become more and more intent on practicing these principles to the best of my ability, whilst staying in touch with reality and society as a whole. Whilst I definitely want to piss off into the bush indefinitely, I lack the survival skills and general know-how. The middle path I have come up with is to work towards dedicating a good chunk of time towards permaculture etc etc when I can find an appropriate venue, create a bush-temple kind of vibe in order to satisfy my desire for the forest-dwellin' lifestyle I so crave, and figure out ways to remain involved in the community so I don't go off the deep end. I am curious as to how many people have felt drawn towards a similar kind of practice in whatever modality they have an affinity with? I think the pivotal experience for me was that of ego-death in my late teens, which left me very lost for a long period of time. I have happily realised that the philosophies of Shaivism and advaita vedanta quite neatly describe the disconcerting experience I had all that time ago, and make me feel that there is a peer group out there for me somewhere, even if they're all engaged in their meditations in the deepest forests of India Any other eremetic types or aspirants around here? I imagine that, given the underlying theme of shamanism and the amount of permie/sustainability types logging on, I might be in luck

I've been waiting for this to become available at the library; my interest has been piqued suitably. It seems like a decent, non-dogmatic approach to connecting with the earth, without cultural appropriation or that nauseating New-Age gloss: https://www.amazon.com/Ecomysticism-Profound-Experience-Nature-Spiritual/dp/1591431182

As usual, your posts are incredible. I didn't make my way through all of what's above, but that passage and those following it caught my eye. I'm taking a similar approach to my own adventures in recovery/re-integration. Thankfully my psychologist works in a similar manner; in our last session we discussed step three, more specifically, learning to identify when I'm living from one of those fractured parts, trying to ascertain what triggers what and working towards complete inegration of my mind and body. The challenge for me lies in doing this work whilst holding a full-time job; I really wanted to slow down a bit and be closer to nature for this process but I've found myself guided again and again to working 'in the world,' in an industrial estate no less, as a basis for learning I guess, to be able to hold onto my core values and live through the changes of personality whilst being engaged with society. As it stands, spirituality has definitely been an unexpected ally in the process of withdrawing, and remaining abstinent from alcohol and chemicals- and then being able to work with what was left over from that, being core trauma and all the stuff I simply couldn't go near beforehand. I'm having more and more memories which used to be disturbing, but are now just helpful. 'Ahh yeah, I remember that. That's why this happens. You are safe now-' employing visualisations, direct requests of spirit to dissolve the psychic bile that arises when I hit something particularly nasty. Interestingly enough, I've been instructed to temper that side of my being at times as it tends to become all-encompassing, draws me into one of those splinter-aspects of my being and becomes destructive. Admittedly that's resulted in a bit of a void for me, trying to figure out what constitutes healthy spirituality and what constitutes religious obsession. Anyway, just rambling. Thanks for posting this stuff, as I say it's pretty heavy (sometimes I'm too fatigued to get it to make sense,) but very welcome. It's good to know someone else is out there tearing through this shit as well.

This was linked in the thread @manuel posted, I'm making my way through it slowly... http://www.dhammatalks.net/Books/Ajahn_Brahm_The_Jhanas.htm The description of nimitta is interesting, I have a relatively active visual aspect to my meditation, those stages describe what I see pretty damn accurately. I'm playing around with sustaining focus on phosphene activity as an object of focus at the moment, it gets pretty intense, though I guess that's the point- eventually being able to hold focus on the light until it becomes all-encompassing. Once again, the knowledge shared in this thread has come to mind a lot at work. A lot of what I'm doing at the moment is simply being able to hold myself in a relatively high-pressure environment without giving into rage or despair. I like what you said about service, @bardo-- I've started volunteering again recently, it's really enjoyable to connect with the greater community in the spirit of serving humanity. Sometimes I feel like the higher knowledge part ('those acts can only be perceived as negative when one chooses to view it as so,') eludes me but I've also come to the conclusion that I have to be at this point, learning these things, in order to consolidate that knowledge at a later date.

This is real interesting stuff. I passed up the opportunity to procure some Coleus recently, I felt it might be better to get a hold of in Spring as it seems guaranteed to die off in my climate over winter. Very interested in the dream potentiation aspects of this, also to see if I can get in early in order to pay humble respects to our future alien overlords EDIT: Maybe it's just a case of people having been using it wrong as to its' perceived inactivity? Ie. that it works in the sleep state predominantly as opposed to being a waking experience.

Incredible, thanks for posting

Ataraxia

...it rains after at least a month, and you can feel the environment opening up to receive the gift; birds everywhere... Observing the change in atmosphere in the hours preceding the storm, that kinda thing. ...you wake up and find a wee scorpion perfectly preserved and partially mummified by a daddy long legs in the bathroom ...you've eaten properly, all meals inclusive and mainly whole foods, for nearly a week... and feel more alive, more capable of facing the day and more inclined towards being a functioning member of society Those things. Good things they are.

Has anyone had any experience with Calea zacatechichi? I've started dreaming again (or remembering them,) due to abstinence from a certain plant which I have abused for way too long to have any meaningful relationship with; exploring these realms and techniques now actually seems viable to me, which is exciting!

Nice! I probably won't go (my aversion to the city is incredibly strong,) but it looks like a bit of fun. I find promotion to be a funny thing these days-- the sites I just checked out all referenced taking selfies with the cactii, boozing on, eating cactus-themed/based food etc... My cynical side is wondering what the underlying commercial motivation is, given that it's sprawled across Melbourne Central More boutique mexican restaurants charging $20 for tiny little tacos with stuff all in 'em? Or maybe it'll be a bunch of saucer-eyed city-dwellers freaking the fuck out over the big class cone thing over the shot tower and having the awful realisation that they've voluntarily penned themselves into an urban nightmare; that their spirit (and Spirit,) is mourning the loss of their connection with nature... Hell, I'd pay to see that :D Of note for me was reference to this joint called Cactus Country, which sounds more like my kinda thing. 10 acres of sprawling, spiny adventure awaits just outside o' Shepparton: http://cactuscountry.com.au/ EDIT: What exactly are 'Coachella-inspired tracks?' I'm aware that it's a festival, but what genre does 'Coachella-inspired' fall under? Sounds awful trendy

Awesome, thanks for that- that gives me a bit of confidence to proceed particularly the knowledge of being able to pull a plant out to inspect the roots, I've always been overly cautious in that regard. I had some T. peruvianus and T. pachanoi that grew about 3 inches in 3 years, and always attributed that to moving them around too much when I first got them. I guess that, even for seasoned horticulturalists, it's always just a process of experimentation eh? I must admit, I always feel terrible when I kill/retard plants inadvertantly so I'm a bit shy in that regard

I recall hearing that a datura/brugmansia flower placed under ones' pillow has a similar effect. Not keen personally, given my tendency to roll around while I'm asleep